Trust and Technology

[kannon]

For me, accountability is an important part of a relationship. If I'm in a relationship, then I'm accountable to my partner. We might have shared financial, emotional, and physical responsibilities. I'm accountable financially, emotionally and physically, etc to my love. I would expect the same from my partner. If we are truly committed and trust each other then shared passwords, etc. should not be an issue. If you are questioning your partner then you should get out of the relationship, however it may not be your partner's indiscretions but your own insecurities.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

I started to respond to this the other day and changed my mind because I knew my view would be different from the majority. Well here it is anyway. I don't understand why it is that we are so careful about judging others when it comes to certain choices like, say, D/g or D/s lifestyles but when it comes to other relationship choices it's perfectly fine to point our fingers and call it creepy. To be sure, I would not share my personal passwords to social networking sites. Sharing other personal info I have done and might do in the future if the situation called for it. I just find the judgments to be really unnecessary. If 2 or 3 or 20 people agree to something and it works for them, it's not my place to say it's wrong. Conservatives go around calling everything different 'creepy.' There is nothing creepy in a consensual relationship imo. It only becomes creepy when somebody is being victimized.

I read and re-read everyone's responses here.

People in this thread were calling behaviors creepy.

No one is saying that particular individuals were creepy.

Everyone here is stating their own opinion, just as you are stating yours.

We can each have an opinion without it being called a judgment. I sit in judgment of no one but have a strong feeling about many issues.

Unless someone says that how I personally feel about something is wrong- anyone is free to have a different opinion than mine!

I actually try to have an open mind because if someone states a very good case for a perspective different than mine-it may change how I look or feel about a particular issue.

That is how I see this issue.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I read and re-read everyone's responses here.

People in this thread were calling behaviors creepy.

No one is saying that particular individuals were creepy.

Everyone here is stating their own opinion, just as you are stating yours.

We can each have an opinion without it being called a judgment. I sit in judgment of no one but have a strong feeling about many issues.

Unless someone says that how I personally feel about something is wrong- anyone is free to have a different opinion than mine!

I actually try to have an open mind because if someone states a very good case for a perspective different than mine-it may change how I look or feel about a particular issue.

That is how I see this issue.

Imagine telling a child that his or her behavior is creepy. What if you found your 4 year old child touching their genitalia and you told them that's creepy or demented. Whether his or her behavior is considered socially inappropriate, is it okay to belittle them? I don't think so. There have been a significant number of studies that show that punishment (e.g. denigration) fails to serve any positive outcomes. Conversely, punishment, and in this case humiliation, usually have negative outcomes.

[Angeltoes]

Anya, I've noticed you bicker quite a lot on this site, however I am excellent at ignoring that kind of childish behavior. My sweetheart replied again, so I'll have one last say and then I'm done.

Suppose we feel certain sexual behaviors are creepy? Let's say behaviors such as bondage or daddy/girl. How well do you think it would go over if we decided to start calling those practices creepy on this website? I mean, sure you could do that. You'd be perfectly entitled to call those behaviors creepy just like those who enjoy those things would be entitled to tell you to get a life, mind your own business and stop being so judgmental. And that's basically what I'm saying now. You may say password sharing is creepy behavior and I personally have my own opinions about your behavior, but I'll keep them to myself. I
f I made the effort I would not use words like creepy because as a thinking, sensitive adult I see no reason to offend you.

[Angeltoes]

Heck no, I certainly won't apologize. I spend too much time here anyway. I have no idea why this thread was resurrected...not too happy about that. But please do whatever you think fits. See ya.

[imperfect_cupcake]

my wife and I had one bank account. My bank kept fucking me around and I just closed my account and stuck it in hers. We shared her bank card. One card. It never caused a problem. I don't why it didn't, it just didn't. Niether of us gave a shit because my money was hers, and hers was mine. All of our money was needed to be pooled for all of the bills, there was almost nothing left over. I budgeted what we had and told her how much shared spending money we had for the week.
if I spent anything that cost more than £10 I asked if that was ok with her first - we had to, we were fucking broke. Sometimes we didn't have enough bus fare and had to walk places.

I knew her passwords to her email accounts because I had to respond on her behalf to some things, english was her second language and writing is my strong point. she often got me to take care of the home admin and her personal admin, which ment as I had to respond as her. I would never open the emails. I only wrote them.

She trusted me to do this and I never broke it till the very end when I new she had been with a work collegue, sexually. I went away for three days to get support from my friends and for her to think about the marriage. when I came home, her bike was gone. I went into her email and found out just how long it had been going on. six weeks. they had been planning it for six weeks. She had been open about her sleeping with someone else, but not that she had been plotting it. I also found out that she had been lying about me, telling this girl she was looking after a mentally ill wife.

I'm glad I read those emails. I helped me to pack a bag of her stuff and throw it outside instead of asking her to work on the marriage, which is what I was asking her to do. She broke my trust, she broke the trust of the marriage and I had NO qualms about setting myself straight with info she had been lying by omission.

I even wrote the new gf and informed her of the lies - from her account.

I then closed her email and told her so she could change the password.

I would only do it again under similar circumstances.

I don't have a passcode on my phone. I don't need one.
I have one for my laptop but I have given it to my flatmate and my best mate.
I gave it to my date when she was visiting so she could book a ticket.

My FWB and I used to be OVERJOYED when we found each other's facebook open and logged in. Cause I LOVE leaving posts like "I just found an old dildo on the street and have decorated it to hang in my front window. please make sure you have a good look next time you come by. I think it sets the living room off nicely"
HAHAHAHAHA
She'd put "_______ (her name) is an amazing and wonderful being. In fact my favourite being ever. I will cook for her every day and do her laundry whenever she asks" etc. if she caught mine.

I had her ipad and access to everything. I never accessed it. But occationally emails would come up that I could see and I would get upset and I asked her to please disable that.

I pee in front of my friends too, with the bathroom door open and everything. I have baths with my flat mate on the toilet and my neighbour sitting on the floor and we drink coco. I view it as a tiny hot tub, really.

Last weekend I was getting ready for a party at a pub, and my date was getting ready in my room and I had some friends over for pre-drinks. So I was also standing in the kitchen at one point in my knickers, bra ans stockings, mixing cocktails and yelling at one of my mates to grab me my corset so she could do me up while I poured.
I was in a rush.

I'm not a pvt person, very much, in many ways. In some ways, I am.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by kannon

\

You agreed with Ciaran's proclamation that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. That's really a personal judgement and potentially psychologically damaging. Some people want accountability in a relationship and it is normal for them. We can't generalize this sentiment and label it as abnormal. Labeling can create a lot of psychological damage. It serves our community to choose our words carefully.

For someone who finishes their post by referencing the need to, "choose our words carefully", you could do with taking that advice yourself. Not sure if you are being deliberately mischievous in your wording but no where on this thread have I proclaimed that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. People can be accountable and in a perfectly healthy, trusting relationship without the need to offer their passwords and such like to their partner.

And as for my "personal judgement" being "potentially psychologically damaging"? What a bizarre, faux-moralistic claim.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

For someone who finishes their post by referencing the need to, "choose our words carefully", you could do with taking that advice yourself. Not sure if you are being deliberately mischievous in your wording but no where on this thread have I proclaimed that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. People can be accountable and in a perfectly healthy, trusting relationship without the need to offer their passwords and such like to their partner.

And as for my "personal judgement" being "potentially psychologically damaging"? What a bizarre, faux-moralistic claim.

I think the difference here is whether it is offered or whether it is required. I do think its creepy, and there really is not another word to describe that, if you require your partner's passwords as a condition of the relationship. That screams controlling to me. something like sharing a password should be an event that happens out of circumstance. of course this is all just my opinion.

As someone who has been too trusting in the past with information such as pin numbers and passwords, it will be a long time before I give those out to someone else ever again. and I would certainly never give it to someone who had the audacity to require it.

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by kannon

Imagine telling a child that his or her behavior is creepy. What if you found your 4 year old child touching their genitalia and you told them that's creepy or demented. Whether his or her behavior is considered socially inappropriate, is it okay to belittle them? I don't think so. There have been a significant number of studies that show that punishment (e.g. denigration) fails to serve any positive outcomes. Conversely, punishment, and in this case humiliation, usually have negative outcomes.

Kannon, with all due respect, we're not referring to children or punishment here. I agree, if this were an open forum for those under the age of 21 to view, then this thread could potentially be called into question. As it is, this is not the case. We're all adults here and are here to express opinions. Granted, opinions are judgement but no one here has said that anyone specifically is wrong, bad or otherwise weird and creepy for having them. They have simply stated how they themselves see certain types of behaviors.

It takes a strong person to stand in their convictions. It takes a stronger person to do this with compassion and understanding. I know my first instinct, when in the minority on a topic, is to get defensive. The only reason I do get defensive is because I personalize something someone said. That's on me and not on them. Just because I don't agree and just because I have an opinion doesn't mean I think anything less of others who differ from me.

For me, it's all about respect...

Scoobs

[Nat]

Missy has my Netflix password. shhhh.

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by Nat

Missy has my Netflix password. shhhh.

I do share that Date night wouldn't be the same if I didn't.

[torchiegirl]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nat
Missy has my Netflix password. shhhh.
...

Originally Posted by Scuba

I do share that Date night wouldn't be the same if I didn't.

...

I'm ok with sitting on the tub for that one!

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...
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[Gráinne]

I just saw an article today about this very issue. The consensus seemed to be: Don't, especially if you are in a new relationship or dating casually. Married couples, maybe and it depends on what it is. It speaks of a "hierarchy", such as Netflix on the very bottom, then Facebook, email, all the way up to financial accounts.

As for me, I can see doing this if coupled and using a joint bank account for household expenses. But that's about it. If asked, I would not give, and I wouldn't want my partner to give me hers.

[Nat]

Wait, if the sharing of a Netflix password involves hierarchy, does my sharing that account with my sweetie imply she's the boss of me or that I'm the boss of her?

[Gaige]

Originally Posted by Nat

Wait, if the sharing of a Netflix password involves hierarchy, does my sharing that account with my sweetie imply she's the boss of me or that I'm the boss of her?

I think Krull is the boss of you both :P

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Gaige

I think Krull is the boss of you both :P

Ha! Poor Krull is bossed by the cat. So I guess Oz is our boss.