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Old 02-22-2011, 05:13 PM   #1
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Default Pressure to "prove" yourself?

I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:24 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy View Post
I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?

I was married to a man for 15 years.
No one seems to doubt who I am.
And even if they DID, it's none of their damn business.

It's not YOUR friends' business, either.

Just my opinion.

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Old 02-22-2011, 05:25 PM   #3
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If they were truly your friends, it would not matter to them whether you are str8, bi, queer or whatever. Sounds like you may need some new friends...some with more maturity and less perviness.
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:31 PM   #4
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Oh, I was just wondering if anyone else experiences this at all... haha, I pretty much just wave them off - I think part of it is, my best friend wants to see me with a guy because I've had so many heartbreaks with women, but honestly, me being a lesbian and her being straight is one of the reasons our friendship has lasted nearly eleven years...
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:32 PM   #5
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i am assuming that your friends are young...

its talk for the sake of having something to say... tell them to go fuck themselves and see if that makes them bisexual...

its just words...

you know who you are... you will find out who you will be...

let them eat... cake...
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:38 PM   #6
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Doesn't matter what a person's sexual orientation is, they don't need to prove it to anyone. Unfortunately there are probably always gonna be people who try to tell you who you are or that will be in denial of what/who you are, especially when it comes to sexual orientation or gender identity where people always seem to think it's a "phase"...but again, it's none of their business.
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:48 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy View Post
I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?
You know....the world is full of all kinds of people. Some are very hurtful and meaning to be, others may be curious and not know how to express that or not really know what to say or how to handle news that is foreign to them.

I've heard it all honey. Many of us have. Take it in stride. Educate them when you feel you want to or they are worth it. Let it go if they are not.

Main thing...YOU know who you are, what your boundries are and how you ID yourself. Try to know that in your heart....that is all that really matters.

Like, Diva, I was married to a bio man. That does not make anyone bisexual, just as it don't make you bisexual if you "kissed" one. YOU have to know who YOU are.

It does help to have a group of friends that do understand....as on here and if there are ones locally. Surely, there is an LGBT group around somewhere.

We all want to be accepted...i do understand.

*hugs.
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:58 PM   #8
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For me... Nobody questions whether I am or not.. they (str8 ppl) say ... Oh hell she is gay. I guess I look like what they see in their eyes as the "normal" look for gays.
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Old 02-22-2011, 06:30 PM   #9
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Hey, next time your male friends do that, tell em to set you up on a date night with their girlfriend, tell em to tell her it's ok if she spends the entire night with you and SHE can tell them the next day if you're a lesbian or not! chuckles
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Old 02-22-2011, 08:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy View Post
I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?
I think your friends want to watch free soft porn, or at the very least, an R rated kiss. Did the fact that they are male and it's widely known that one of the ultimate dreams of many guys is to watch two women getting it on occur to you?

I'd have a mouthful to say to them, but then again, they're not my friends and I don't give a rat's ass about being nice to them.
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Old 02-22-2011, 09:50 PM   #11
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I think there is a great deal of projection people do when they find out someone ( particularly someone they thought they "knew") turns out to be wired differently than they expect them to be.

The general disbelief often makes them question themselves or other folks close to them and they just can't fathom it. Often the questioning can be a good thing, but often it can go very wrong and they turn on you.

Then again, there are a lot of "spaghetti lesbians" around "straight until wet", so a lot of folks do just think it's a trend or something being experimented with.

For me, I choose my friends very carefully and I choose very few. I choose not to hang out with and/or invest time in folks who are so small minded as to not be able to see beyond their personal truths. My truth may be different. It does not make theirs wrong ( unless it's just plain wrong..lol). It does make me aware of where and with whom I wish to develop lasting friendships.

Good luck!
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:00 PM   #12
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See this is why we need lamentated
"I'm a lesbian" ID cards. Someone add
this to Medusa's list of things to create.

And what the heck is a spaghetti lesbian -
I'm Italian, clue me in.

Seriously tho, having to prove ones sexuality
is an odd request. As long as you know who
you are, it should suffice for those around you.

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Old 02-22-2011, 11:52 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kobi View Post


See this is why we need lamentated
"I'm a lesbian" ID cards. Someone add
this to Medusa's list of things to create.


Great idea!!!!! I'm gonna start making "official" lesbian ID cards. Rainbow included. Maybe throw in a little how to manual....

Seriously though, you don't fit the "look" so it's hard for some people to understand. They just can't quite grasp the concept and probably never will completely.
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:42 AM   #14
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some people like to fit everything in a box. Personally, I like living outside the box. I am me, I am happy, and I am complete. It matters not, what you do in YOUR home or YOUR private life. Live for your personal happiness and for what makes you complete.

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Old 02-23-2011, 02:43 AM   #15
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Wear This...............http://
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Old 02-23-2011, 10:45 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy View Post
I always get nervous making new threads, but here goes...

... do you ever feel like your friends, or people you are around on a daily basis, are constantly pressuring you (whether they're aware of it or not) to "prove" yourself to be a lesbian? For example, I have male friends who basically say they wouldn't believe it unless they see it. A bit frustrating.

Another aspect of this, is... some of my closest friends say they believe I'm bisexual, because I've kissed a guy before. Which is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Thoughts?
i was married to a bio male for 3 years, and we parented 2 beautiful children together.. i've been in a few relationships since, all different from the other... for me, it's been about growth, discovering myself and walking the journey..i am who i am today, because of the journey i've walked..but none of these sole relationships define me..

anyway, all this to say, no.. i don't have the friends that insist i do that, lol..
just be 'you'.. no one should ever have to prove who they are .. true friends will accept your journey like anyone else's.. ♥ i know my friends do.. (((hugggz)))
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Old 02-23-2011, 05:27 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kobi View Post


See this is why we need lamentated
"I'm a lesbian" ID cards. Someone add
this to Medusa's list of things to create.

And what the heck is a spaghetti lesbian -
I'm Italian, clue me in
.

Seriously tho, having to prove ones sexuality
is an odd request. As long as you know who
you are, it should suffice for those around you.

Hey Kobi,
A "spahetti lesbian" is a new term I just heard that jokingly refers to the trendy experimental sexual tourism of lesbianism. Roughly, it means "straight until WET".
I can laugh at it and the irony of the person who made me aware of this phrase, as soon after she was calling someone a spaghetti lesbian, she slept with a guy telling her gf that she was away visiting her sick father. Made me wonder if that makes her a "Bovine hetero" "straight when horny" ??
It is yet another off the cuff slang term ( cause lord knows we don't have nearly enough labels) for primarily hetero women who have sex with women when drunk.
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Old 02-23-2011, 05:54 PM   #18
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You already know

You shouldn't have to prove yourself to anyone.

I don't remember where you live, but

Maybe it would be fun for you to make some new queer friends.

I know that when I was newly single,

The best thing I did for myself was to expand my social circle, and I wasn't newly out.

I got to meet a lot of fun people and none of them encouraged me to date men, though

There were plenty of people who thought I was the girliest thing ever.

Sometimes I got to lead butches around on the dance floor.
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Old 02-23-2011, 06:18 PM   #19
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Default spaghetti lesbian...lol




heat it up...get it wet...all the same...lol
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Old 02-24-2011, 01:48 AM   #20
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I've been talking a lot with friends about just saying I'm Queer. Not to say that I'm not a Lesbian and not to say I'm not Femme. Rather, it is to stand in the truth, i.e. that I live outside of the mainstream gender ID/sexuality/gender role dichotomy.

My fabulous daughter, who although not a Lesbian despite have a Lesbian & Gay Man as bio parents, did introduce me to a new concept that shook up my brain for a couple of days. We were talking about folks who are Bi vs. those who are hetero but could be sexual with someone else of their same gender/sex. She called such folks "hetero-flexible". Then we talked about Gay men & Lesbians who could be sexual with a woman or man respectively, on a rare occasion, as being "homo-flexible". Different than being Bi because the flex folks are really hetero, Gay or Lesbian. Then we talked about folks who are Gayley Bi. Meaning Bi but leaning toward more involvements with a person of their same gender/sex.

My daughter does ID as Bi, and has been married to my son-in-law forever. They became involved with another male & female married couple almost 2 yrs. ago. Very tight poly relationship now. My son-in-law ID's as hetero-flexible. LOL!

I decided, finally, that it is all getting too complicated, really. Just claiming Queer kind of covers all of us who not hetero. At least to my way of thinking it does.

I can't let it be my problem if folks I know can't get it about me, i.e. how could a woman who is so Femme be a Lesbian? 'Cause truth is, I'm not going to have such folks in my closest circle anyway, so it really doesn't matter.
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