Halp! I never developed gaydar and I need...

[imperfect_cupcake]

some help. well. "need". I don't need, but I'm busting to know cause I fancy her. But I have never ever needed gaydar before. But what to do when someone reads like either a very athletic jockular lad-like straight woman, or a very butch flavoured lez that just doesn't ID as anything.

She's my Remedial Massage senior instructor. Bit drill sargent like, cocky, funny, show-off, takes the piss, etc... works with two british olympic teams and has a body of solid wirey muscle and hands that can do unbelievably magic things, holy crap.

I posted it in my blog to field for some advice on gaydar but I want to field here:

Link to my blog clicky. But also posted below

This is a new experience. I have never, in my life, wondered if someone was gay or not. As in, never. This is because the women I like, it's pretty damn obvious they are lezzos. Women I am not interested in, I couldn't care less if they were gay or not.

However, I have been presented with someone who is confusing me because all of the external signals are there, but because she's a long haired sporty type, she could go either way. And I can't tell if she's casually flirting with me or if she's one of those straight girls that is macho and just flirts with everything that moves.


She's chirpy, cocky and friendly, lots of eye contact, takes the piss in class; she's a great massage instructor. She knows I'm a lez. Comes over and sits with me and blabs if I've sat down on my own to look at something. It's nice having someone friendly and interested teaching.

Not that I'd be able to do anything about it, nor do I think she'd be interested if she were, but I still wanna know.

Things that may or may not be gay

- I was trying to set up a table. She came over and said "no no barb, you don't throw the table. Here, look... when it's on it's side, you put your foot here, to brace it, then pull. Like that. That's how I pick up my motorbike..." and then she slowly ginned at me in that cocky way I personally experience butchdykes flirting. I blush. Ugh. Why on earth did I blush over that comment? How embarrassing... but straight girls could grin this way to, no?

- She showed me her arm muscles and flexed them to show me a demonstration of "tonicity" - she is a piece of solid wiry muscle. I had managed to just raise my eyebrows and smile and not break into a sweat.

-When I was on one of the couches, she came over to help my partner with her handwork. She picked up my leg, rested it against her stomach, which was rock hard yet nicely soft... erg... then showed a demonstration of how you can take a calf and sit it "nice and snugly between your bits (breasts) and work it like you are playing a chello. How does that feel, Barb?"
"Um. yeah. nice. very nice. yep" her hands are like fleshy slender hammers covered in velvet. Please put my leg down.

- "One thing I want you all to know. yeah? I don't go on the couch. Never. I don't get done, so don't even suggest" followed by heh heh looking cocky smile. My stomach did a very strange movement. I'm reading into that, can't help it.

-As she was demonstrating on the other instructor... she glanced at her relaxing and she dug her hangs in until the tutor said "UHHGH" in' that pain-pleasure type way and she grinned and said "that's what I like" and laughed in a sadistic, commanding fashion.

- As I was packing up to go, she was walking past me and I looked up from where I was crouched over and she was looking down at me, she then grinned and winked at me. Still, inconclusive. Some people are winkers.

- She was showing me all of her "hyper extending fingers" and her double jointed hips and I was giggling and smiling like a fuckwit and her assistant teacher walked past and said "don't laugh, you'll just encourage her."


Gay? Not Gay? Flirtatious Macho Straight girl? How does one tell these things? None of these things are bona fida dyke behaviour. She reads like a cocky dyke but then again she doesn't. How are you supposed to tell? I've never bothered before to hazard a guess, as I've never been confused before. It doesn't actually matter, she's my instructor, but I want to know.

Tell me your techniques for honing your gaydar cause I don't really have one. Got gaydar? Tell me how! I've tried to pick up 17 year old boys thinking they were dykes and missed dykes that I thought were 17 year old boys... it's faulty.

It there a litmus test?

[deedarino]

GAY........

[Jess]

you do recall how much I absolutely friggen adore you!!!

Imagine ( and I am sensing that you perhaps can now) how us butches feel, in that wondering.. "is she? isn't she?" .. smiles...

From what you have shared.. whether she is or isn't.. she IS interested. Does it really matter if she spikes a 9.2 on your geigercounter? I mean... really? The direction things are going with gender/ sexual ambiguity, it won't matter in 10 years... so.. be a trendsetter!

Have fun with what your heart/head/ loins are being led toward... You have nothing to lose, other than.. opportunity.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Jess

you do recall how much I absolutely friggen adore you!!!

Imagine ( and I am sensing that you perhaps can now) how us butches feel, in that wondering.. "is she? isn't she?" .. smiles...

From what you have shared.. whether she is or isn't.. she IS interested. Does it really matter if she spikes a 9.2 on your geigercounter? I mean... really? The direction things are going with gender/ sexual ambiguity, it won't matter in 10 years... so.. be a trendsetter!

Have fun with what your heart/head/ loins are being led toward... You have nothing to lose, other than.. opportunity.

oh yes, it completely corsse dmy mind this is how butches feel. which is why when one bothers to flirt with me, I give "FULL STEAM AHEAD SAILOR" type signals. And also why I do things like hold eye contact, grin like an asshole and wink while showing as much boob as is possible without my nipples leaping out. So far that's been enough. Though I am very much often the one asking them out. So. as much sympathy as I've got... I've always been a clean reading!

ner.

well I can't do much, she's my instructor for the next 10 months on my master's level remedial massage. And I can't screw it up by attempting to get doinked by my instructor. But it's a nice crush to keep me interested in the school when it gets hard. And fabulous to ask her for "tutorials" when I need "extra help"

I wish my personality didn't smash on the ground in front of her. ugh.

deedarino: ok... why? give me some solid reasoning!

[Jess]

awwwwwwwwwww..... even more endeared.... smiles... hang in there lady!

[Julien]

[QUOTE=honeybarbara;583709]

well I can't do much, she's my instructor for the next 10 months on my master's level remedial massage. And I can't screw it up by attempting to get doinked by my instructor. But it's a nice crush to keep me interested in the school when it gets hard. And fabulous to ask her for "tutorials" when I need "extra help"

When you wrote that she was you instructor, I paused for a moment because it brought back some memories for me. Red flags went up. While in my PhD program I had an Professor flirt, touch me and even kissed me once. It was not something I wanted from her, she was my Professor and had control over grades and possibly pull with my committee. Since it was something I did not want and did not cultivate other than being an nice, honest, out trans person. I felt she took advantage of her position as faculty in my department. The situation did not go well and others got involved.
I guess all I am saying is wait for your 10 months to be over. If she is truly interested in you she will wait as you seem to be willing to do. (she doesn't have a say in your program of study does she? that could be a major problem) I know that relationships to occur between faculty and students. I just wanted to let you know of a story that may be different from yours, but the power inequality is still the same, Professor and student. The student has more to lose than the Professor especially if the Professor is tenured. Take this for what it is only a cautionary tale, and good luck with the Master's program.

[genghisfawn]

I concur with Deedarino... GAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

I also concur with Julien... get to know her and develop some sort of rapport beyond the sexual tension. If you're pals-ish in the next while, maybe drop a hint in a few months? If it lasts the next 10 months, good luck to you.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by genghisfawn

I concur with Deedarino... GAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? what bit looks gay?? help me deveolp gaydar!

[imperfect_cupcake]

No worries J, I'm 42. It's oxford. I've been through uni before with a crush on one of my profs.

if she did snog me, it wouldn't be unwanted. However I think both of us are old enough to know much better and I know all about power imbalances. She does not mark my papers or my exams. she is the clinical hours assessor and the clinical trainer. I know what she has the power to do (or undo).

I'm not looking for someone to be "truly interested in me" who has only known me a few weeks. I obviously don't have a bloody clue who she is - so it's just lust.

I do appreciate the warning, love. Sincerely. it's nice that you are concerned.

But like I said - I'm not going to risk an education I've taken a massive loan out for at the top Remedial Massage school in the country that I busted my ass to qualify for to toss it on a shag with a hottie - after all, more than likely it wouldn't last and then I'd still have to face her at assessments and clinical training. fun. not.

but I still don't know if she is *actually* gay. That's the question!

what do you think? is she??? isn't she??? why??? why not???

anyone can play... cmon I wanna hear some reasons! or hey ask me questions you would need to know the answer to in order to answer it, like "does she listen to bad women's indie rock" or "does she own a cat" or some such nonsense.

She did tell me that I was naughty and my nail polish had to go. and gave me a stern look. yum.

[Talon]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

some help. well. "need". I don't need, but I'm busting to know cause I fancy her. But I have never ever needed gaydar before. But what to do when someone reads like either a very athletic jockular lad-like straight woman, or a very butch flavoured lez that just doesn't ID as anything.

She's my Remedial Massage senior instructor. Bit drill sargent like, cocky, funny, show-off, takes the piss, etc... works with two british olympic teams and has a body of solid wirey muscle and hands that can do unbelievably magic things, holy crap.

I posted it in my blog to field for some advice on gaydar but I want to field here:

Link to my blog clicky. But also posted below

Oh my gawd...you are so f*cking cute right now...*chuckle*...this post was pure pleasure, I can so relate to your conundrum...in a way.

I don't think I've ever actually *cared* if they were gay or not, if I really wanted them and could feel that they obviously were feeling it for me too..But, I have been torturously curious at times.
For example: I had a quite strong and sexy (yes, she knew it, and had some sort of otherworldly-witchy mojo running thru her veins) yoga instructor, who once took her shirt off in the ladies locker room and stood right in front of me w/ her lovelies right at my eye level...just a talkin' away..and continuously staring into my eyes until I could feel my cheeks burning right off of my face.

This was only one, out of quite a few...um curious little scenarios where she would corner me...and where I would jet. I think now, that she thought I was straight, and she enjoyed doing that kind of stuff to me, just to watch me squirm...or to see if I dug her like that.
She also had...and I kid-you-not..a harem of so-called straight, married, female admirers that followed her about wherever she went, while in the gym.

It was quite impressive...this effect she had on women.

*chuckle*

I still have no clue whether or not she was or wasn't...or was somewhere in-between. It is still a big mystery..and I'm sure *not* just for me.

[deedarino]

To me gaydar is about recognition. We just notice what we recognize. You recognize some things, actions in her (she has some butch style for sure) but her "look" is causing misfires in your brain...lol.

What I see in your description is a person who knows you are gay, and is purposefully sending you "hints" to say...hey look at me. Now she may not be gay, but she is definitely enjoying the ride...

The best part of all will be figuring out why she is enjoying the ride. The next 10 months are gonna FLY by...lol.

[Rockinonahigh]

If anyone finds an extra gaydar look and see if its mine,I never did get the delivery on it..so clue less.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by deedarino

To me gaydar is about recognition. We just notice what we recognize. You recognize some things, actions in her (she has some butch style for sure) but her "look" is causing misfires in your brain...lol.

What I see in your description is a person who knows you are gay, and is purposefully sending you "hints" to say...hey look at me. Now she may not be gay, but she is definitely enjoying the ride...

The best part of all will be figuring out why she is enjoying the ride. The next 10 months are gonna FLY by...lol.

well, I suppose it might be her look, but long hair doesn't normally get in my way of recognising... I think I'm wary because she's a world class athletic jock tuner-uper. So she's very jock herself (she has to be. She lifts, flips, physically restrains, 6 foot plus rugby players, large and powerful swimmers etc) - she knows her anatomy inside out and can take you down with a thumb jabbed in the right place) and having been on rowing teams in university myself, I KNOW how dykey they look/feel/present but are absolutely straight and get extremely offended if you think they are gay - due to everyone calling them dykes all the time.

*IF* I still feel attracted to her by the end of the course I'll ask her out. However, because she is so firmly taking me in hand to mould me into a graduate worthy of the institution and possibly having a shot at the one placement offered end of course, I need to knock the attraction on the head and shove it where all unavailable people go (sexy mates who have wives etc) and that's in a small box in the back of my head to fade. I'm very capable of doing this, very *used* to doing this lol

So by the time 10 months pass there's a chance I'll just be "over it".

But I would still like to know! It's an interesting game this! and never played it before! I always found it DULL when people speculated about highly feminine women. But yeah, she has the presenting bravado and masculine attitude that I recognise in my exes. lol and the ME ME ME LOOK AT ME I CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH thing I find very sweet and typical.

Recently, I've dated two dykes who didn't ID as anything but I've said to one "you know for someone who doesn't like to be called a duck, you quack louder than many ducks I've known..."

and when things ended, she wrote me and thanked me for helping her come to understand herself and realise who part of her really was.

The other one was similar. They both also had habits of screwing around with bicurious bored housewives (they live in very small towns and villages) rather than the 2 other single lesbians.

Both these women were over 45. And watching them come in contact with parts of themselves denied, purely because of the long term relationships they were in ... they loved their partners and had no idea the private things about themselves they stuffed into boxes as "unimportant and ok to sacrifice" were actually VERY important. Being someone's first femme at 40+ .... I have to say it's deeply lovely to watch them blossom into themselves.

So I DO wonder sometimes with the ones that don't ID, what is it about *me* that they are attracted to.

Those types of dykes there *is* sort of a mental checklist for me to see if there's a butch put in a box. One is how they physically interact with me. That's big. The second is their history of choice in local partners. third in language about sex, if we get to casually blabbing around it. They will hide things so they don't appear to want something "like a man" because they've probably been criticized about it, but I can leave a very obvious bread crumb trail and make it very obvious I'm not going to judge them and in fact I loooooove what they have been thinking about when they've been screwing those bisexual curious bored housewives.

So it's nice to speculate about if Senior Instructor would enjoy that... would I be her first in that way? Or is she actually partnered with someone who does that already? Does she have a male partner? etc.

Re: Yoga instructor - LOL! Great story!

you know a straight friend of mine had a horrible straight-girl crush on a belly dance teacher and followed her everywhere. I know these straight girl crushes. I've had straight girls do that to me. It's strange. They even want to snog etc but I can tell sexual curiosity from honest deep lust. I have had two striaght mates have odd straight girl crushes on me for *years*. I think those ones are my "romantic friendships" - platonic. I can do that with femmes myself. I get femme crushes that I highly doubt I'd enact on (welll... heh... that's a lie, I can think of a couple of femmes I'd be happy to have a friendly roll with...)

Speculations... definitely a fun game. It's just never been something I've been able to join in and play before!

[Talon]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

well, I suppose it might be her look, but long hair doesn't normally get in my way of recognising... I think I'm wary because she's a world class athletic jock tuner-uper. So she's very jock herself (she has to be. She lifts, flips, physically restrains, 6 foot plus rugby players, large and powerful swimmers etc) - she knows her anatomy inside out and can take you down with a thumb jabbed in the right place) and having been on rowing teams in university myself, I KNOW how dykey they look/feel/present but are absolutely straight and get extremely offended if you think they are gay - due to everyone calling them dykes all the time.

*IF* I still feel attracted to her by the end of the course I'll ask her out. However, because she is so firmly taking me in hand to mould me into a graduate worthy of the institution and possibly having a shot at the one placement offered end of course, I need to knock the attraction on the head and shove it where all unavailable people go (sexy mates who have wives etc) and that's in a small box in the back of my head to fade. I'm very capable of doing this, very *used* to doing this lol

So by the time 10 months pass there's a chance I'll just be "over it".

But I would still like to know! It's an interesting game this! and never played it before! I always found it DULL when people speculated about highly feminine women. But yeah, she has the presenting bravado and masculine attitude that I recognise in my exes. lol and the ME ME ME LOOK AT ME I CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH thing I find very sweet and typical.

Recently, I've dated two dykes who didn't ID as anything but I've said to one "you know for someone who doesn't like to be called a duck, you quack louder than many ducks I've known..."

and when things ended, she wrote me and thanked me for helping her come to understand herself and realise who part of her really was.

The other one was similar. They both also had habits of screwing around with bicurious bored housewives (they live in very small towns and villages) rather than the 2 other single lesbians.

Both these women were over 45. And watching them come in contact with parts of themselves denied, purely because of the long term relationships they were in ... they loved their partners and had no idea the private things about themselves they stuffed into boxes as "unimportant and ok to sacrifice" were actually VERY important. Being someone's first femme at 40+ .... I have to say it's deeply lovely to watch them blossom into themselves.

So I DO wonder sometimes with the ones that don't ID, what is it about *me* that they are attracted to.

Those types of dykes there *is* sort of a mental checklist for me to see if there's a butch put in a box. One is how they physically interact with me. That's big. The second is their history of choice in local partners. third in language about sex, if we get to casually blabbing around it. They will hide things so they don't appear to want something "like a man" because they've probably been criticized about it, but I can leave a very obvious bread crumb trail and make it very obvious I'm not going to judge them and in fact I loooooove what they have been thinking about when they've been screwing those bisexual curious bored housewives.

So it's nice to speculate about if Senior Instructor would enjoy that... would I be her first in that way? Or is she actually partnered with someone who does that already? Does she have a male partner? etc.

Re: Yoga instructor - LOL! Great story!

you know a straight friend of mine had a horrible straight-girl crush on a belly dance teacher and followed her everywhere. I know these straight girl crushes. I've had straight girls do that to me. It's strange. They even want to snog etc but I can tell sexual curiosity from honest deep lust. I have had two striaght mates have odd straight girl crushes on me for *years*. I think those ones are my "romantic friendships" - platonic. I can do that with femmes myself. I get femme crushes that I highly doubt I'd enact on (welll... heh... that's a lie, I can think of a couple of femmes I'd be happy to have a friendly roll with...)

Speculations... definitely a fun game. It's just never been something I've been able to join in and play before!

Damn, I love the way you...er..put things, hb...Raaawr..

Okay...back to the topic at hand. What I want to say to you is, I can't believe you're actually wondering what it is about you that this "Senior Instructor", would be attracted to..........

You have an....APPEAL....ok....that is ~quite~ unique unto itself.
And I've only read a few of your *posts* here.
That's really the last thing you should be asking...you sexy b*tch...(sorry, forget that last part).

The fun *is* in the trying to discipline yourself...even though, it probably feels like slow and agonizing water torture....and your body wants to do quite the opposite. And also with the wondering about her...feels just as good as it aches...doesn't it?

Enjoy this part, whatever happens in the end....*this* only comes around once, luv.

[Apocalipstic]

It is sooooo hard to tell....is she? isn't she? why not? what is she thinking?

Here in the US, I would say probably Gay? But who knows really?

It does sound like school is way more fun with her there!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Talon

Damn, I love the way you...er..put things, hb...Raaawr..

Okay...back to the topic at hand. What I want to say to you is, I can't believe you're actually wondering what it is about you that this "Senior Instructor", would be attracted to..........

You have an....APPEAL....ok....that is ~quite~ unique unto itself.
And I've only read a few of your *posts* here.
That's really the last thing you should be asking...you sexy b*tch...(sorry, forget that last part).

The fun *is* in the trying to discipline yourself...even though, it probably feels like slow and agonizing water torture....and your body wants to do quite the opposite. And also with the wondering about her...feels just as good as it aches...doesn't it?

Enjoy this part, whatever happens in the end....*this* only comes around once, luv.

thanks talon, that was really nice!

And yeah, she massages world class altheticaly scultped bodies and although I'm curvy with massive tits and I'm not painful to look at, I'm no athlete. I'm a slightly chubby 42 year old woman with a lot of skills but she has nooooo idea about them lol.

So I am rather baffled if she is interested. Which I'm finding a bit hard to believe, aside from mentoring me.

Anyway, it is fun and when I can indulge in it, it keeps my mind off of being dateless, needing some sex, a cuddle and watching my exes finding the women of their dreams. I'm glad, everyone deserves to be happy, and I do have a ton of studying to do, and working... But having someone to giggle over some attention feels nice. Would be nice if they were available!

today, I'm a bit fed up with everything. I'm tired, grumpy, I would like some physical affection and someone to get me a glass of juice, damn it.

tomorrow back at it and no time to sulk!