Original Bad Prose or Stories!

[*Anya*]

She loved how he appeared so stately and distinguished, with just a touch of gray at his temples.

She thought he looked like a TV star in a mens deodorant commercial; with the snow and the wind blowing at a nearly gale-force, through his beautiful hair, which she clocked, by her stop-watch, at 60- miles per hour.

Unfortunately, he was too proud to chase it, as it blew down the street, as though it were a tumbleweed on steroids.

[SoNotHer]

Laughed out loud at "tumbleweed on steroids."

So glad I was drinking something at the time!

Originally Posted by *Anya*

She loved how he appeared so stately and distinguished, with just a touch of gray at his temples.

She thought he looked like a TV star in a mens deodorant commercial; with the snow and the wind blowing at a nearly gale-force, through his beautiful hair, which she clocked, by her stop-watch, at 60- miles per hour.

Unfortunately, he was too proud to chase it, as it blew down the street, as though it were a tumbleweed on steroids.

[WomenMoveMe]

Such fun these stories are!!

[WomenMoveMe]

The diner was closing. Dotty loudly smacked her gum as she loaded Eddy One Eye up with the remaining three day old doughnuts and shooshed him out the door. It was yet another slow day at 'Hanks' Good Eats, Bait Shop, and VCR Repair'. One would think with three so very complimentary businesses under one roof that business would be booming. As Dotty pulled the front door shut she glanced up at the sign that touted the promise of one-stop shopping. She tried to remember if ever all the bulbs had worked at one time or had it always been simply a vessel where good bulbs went to die?

Dotty stood looking at the sign that now read "H nk Eat Bait n CRep" . No wonder every day was a slow day at "Hank's".

[*Anya*]

Someone @ work just asked me if I was OK when I went into the B/R, after looking at my teary eyes and reddened face, which makes me look as though I fell ill with a high fever and the flu.

There must be something wrong with me, the Psychiatric RN, that I find these so hysterical that I can't stop laughing, even now.

WMM, Hank's is awesome and MT- the lumpy labia about put me on the floor!

OMFG- all of you are so good at being bad and yes, that is high praise. Not just anyone can write badly, quite so well

You all made my 1st day back at work after 4-days off, so much better!

[SoNotHer]

Somewhere between 1996 and 1998, or maybe it was 1997 and 1999, or perhaps 1995 and a half and two or three years after that, Olla decided that every 70s song was a kind of instruction manual made for her. Somewhere between 2002 and 2004, or perhaps 2003 and, what might be more accurately described as “later,” Olla then decided she wasn’t actually a brick house and that letting it all hang out while she wore a “Lady Marmalade” name tag and she shook her grove thing and burned the mother down did not get her any closer to wanting to boogie oogie oogie like a dancing queen.

And how hard should she look for three more like herself to take a free ride in a tuneful time warp in the four-part B flat a capella of a bohemian rhapsody? Nevertheless, moreover and consequently, she did have a residual fondness for leaving her cake out in the rain and had thought more than about calling Rocket Man and packing her polyester pumps and riding the soul train to Funkytown. Or maybe Hotel California. But most likely the Y.M.C.A.

[WomenMoveMe]

“You are NOT sticking that thing in me!!”. She was almost hysterical now. “It is so…BIG. Why does it have to be so…BIG”? He was usually a calm man. He couldn’t remember getting worked up about much of anything, but he was all worked up now. Why did she have to be so difficult? Why could she not see this would be good for her, for the both of them? “Now listen woman, this is a part of life, and you will take it and be happy about it! It will make you feel good. I promise.” He tried to hide his disappointment. For weeks they had been having the same argument. Why didn’t she just shut up and let him stick it in her? She was almost in tears now. “It’s so long, it looks like it will hurt.” He tried to regain a bit of his usual composure. “It will only hurt the first time. You’ll see”. She pushed him away. “Nope, not gonna happen”. That was it. He was tired of playing games. He was putting it in and she would just have to get used to it. He moved closer. He was going to have to move fast if he was going to get it in there. And with one quick motion, he thrust the insulin needle into her hip.

[Hollylane]

There once was a really fine fellow,
who made my heart melt like....uh...jello!
I willingly gave up my heart
which some claim was really not smart
We moved forward without looking behind
And it all turned out simply divine.
Now we are completely entwined
and that fellow's smile still intoxicates like wine.

[*Anya*]

To encourage everyone (and myself as well) I am bumping the thread with the 2014 Contest Winners.

I hope that reading some of them, will inspire us to once again write some terrific and very original, bad prose or stories! We have some wonderful writing talent right here on the Planet!



Winner

When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose. — Elizabeth (Betsy) Dorfman, Bainbridge Island, WA

Elizabeth Dorfman of Bainbridge Island, WA, is the 32nd grand prize winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest thas entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels and takes its name from the Victorian novelist George Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who began his Paul Clifford (1830) with “It was a dark and stormy night.“ Although Lytton did not originate the line, he exploited its familiarity to begin his novel, as have several other writers who followed him.

In keeping with the bignitude, high dignity, and general importance of the competition, the grand prize winner receives a pittance (about $150).

Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award

As he girded himself against the noxious, sulfurous fumes that belched from the chasm in preparation for descent into the bowels of the mountain where mighty pressure and unimaginable heat made rock run in syrupy rivers, Bob paused to consider the unlikely series of events that had led him to become the Great God Vulcan’s proctologist. — Stan Hunter Kranc, State College, PA

Winner: Adventure

“Listen, Control!” snarled Captain Dan McMurdo across the ether, “I’ve got one engine shut down, the other running on fumes, a seriously wounded co-pilot who won’t last the hour, fifty-three refugee orphans down the back, and a nun for a radio operator, so turn the goddam landing lights on goddam pronto – sorry, Sister.” — Gavin Dobson
Runner-Up:

As the foeman’s axe descended, Ragnar Thorvaldsson thought – quickly, but with uncannily prescient anachronism – that his paltry contribution to this raid would not be recorded in the great sagas, or even a minor tale, but at best he might be remembered centuries hence only as “third oarsman” in the Boys’ Own Book of Viking Adventure Stories. — Paul Dawson, Vancouver, BC, Canada
Dishonorable Mentions:

Finally after ninety-seven long days adrift Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun dried Haddock which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded what with George Haddock being his former first mate. — Phillip Davies, Cardiff, U.K.

Winner: Children’s Literature

Justin was happy, like a clam at high tide, but abruptly ending his musings he recalled that he had every reason to be happy (in his own small way) because he was a quahog and it was the highest of tides, and he squirted with delight. — Mike Mayfield, Austin, TX

Winner: Crime

Hard-boiled private dick Harrison Bogart couldn’t tell if it was the third big glass of cheap whiskey he’d just finished, or the way the rain-moistened blouse clung so tightly to the perfect figure of the dame who just appeared panting in his office doorway, but he was certain of one thing … he had the hottest mother-in-law in the world. — Carl Turney, Bayswater, Victoria, Australia
Runner-Up

Hard-boiled private eye Smith Calloway had a sinking feeling as he walked into the chaotic crime scene, for there, as expected, was the body dressed in a monk’s habit; there was the stuffed cream-colored pony next to the crisp apple strudel; there was the doorbell, the set of sleigh bells, and even the schnitzel with noodles – all proclaiming that the Von Trappist Killer had struck again. — Joshua Long, Harrison

Winner: Purple Prose

He was a stolid man, prone to excessive and extended bursts of emotionlessness; but when Maurice loved, he loved with the passion of a dog itching its face against the grain of a firm pile carpet. — Stephen Sanford, Seattle, WA

Runner-Up:

The air-conditioner hummed like an over-sized bear eating a large salmon he’d fished out of the water and if you’ve never heard an over-sized bear eating a salmon, just imagine an air-conditioner humming and you’ll know. — Bobby
Tessel

The young lovers’ lips latched to each other not unlike the way in which two coital snails would, with much slime and suction, frothing as if someone had just poured salt on them. — Peter S. Bjorkman, Rocklin, CA

His ex-wife’s personality was like chocolate – not the smoky, tangy, exquisitely rich and full-bodied type, but the over-sweet, tooth-cracking, factory-processed, made-with-vegetable-oil kind that leaves one with diabetes and an aneurysm the size of a grape. — Shalom Chung, Hong Kong

Runner-Up:

It was a dark and stormy night, as it would be for the next 23 years on the world of Lo’soun, a lop-sided planet that rolls around its axis like one of those spinning tops kids have, and for the next 23 years the brave space colonists would have to live without light, warmth, or the screaming, car-sized cicadas that only come out in the summer. — Matthew Hannum, Glen Burnie, MD
Winner: Vile Puns

Pet detective Drake Leghorn ducked reporters at the entrance to the small hobby farm and headed down to the tiny pond where a lone goose was frantically calling for her mate and he wondered why – when so many come to look upon the graceful mating pair – why would someone want to take a gander?— Howie McLennon, Ottawa, ON, Canada
Runner-Up

Six months old, and already their love had picked up memories like lint, which, now that Maddie thought about it, was appropriate, since she and Brian met at the laundromat, when Maddie found herself hampered by a stubborn washing machine coin slot, but then snickered at the thought of being “hampered” while doing laundry, and then found herself explaining her snicker to the nearest laundromat patron, who turned out to be Brian and who, better yet, turned out to have a sense of humor even, well, dryer than her own. — Kirsten Wilson

It was cool but muggy – I was schvitzing like a mohel at his first bris – and one thing was for certain: that Rosetta Stone course in Yiddish was worth the gelt. — Kelben Graf, Milwaukie, OR

The beginning of an affair is like fresh bubble gum, pink and delicious; then the middle is like when you take out your chewed gum and play with it – kind of diverting but prone to getting cold and sticky – until finally you’re back in the unfunny cartoon wrapper headed for the love trash.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2014win.html

[*Anya*]

*Bump*

It's been a couple of years and we have some new folks.

With all of the pre and post election misery; how about using some of that inspiration to get those creative juices flowing again?

Give it your best shot for some original bad prose or stories!

As bad as you can make it!


In case you need more inspiration:

The 2016 winner:

Even from the hall, the overpowering stench told me the dingy caramel glow in his office would be from a ten-thousand-cigarette layer of nicotine baked on a naked bulb hanging from a frayed wire in the center of a likely cracked and water-stained ceiling, but I was broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her. —
William "Barry" Brockett, Tallahassee, FL

Runner-up:

Her grandmother had mopped her brow with the same antique kerchief for twenty years whilst working in the barley fields, and now Anastasia was to wear it on her wedding night knotted into a baggy loose panty; while her lover Anatoly would wear his father's ancient gray and tattered undershorts tied around his neck to honor the old village custom of marital odor-blending. — David S. Nelson, Falls Creek, VA


http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2016win.html

PS:

Thanks to Truly Scrumptious for the reminder!

[Kätzchen]

Thanks Anya for bumping this thread!

You're right, I miss bad writing stories and could use a good laugh, lol!

Last year's winner from Tallassee, Florida was terribly funny, but I could definitely relate to the part about "being broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her." And ....the color of the light bulb . LOL (or not).

[Cin]

Abundant, absurd and awful alliteration

Lucy Little’s lavish lively locks and long lean limbs leave lovers longing to lick lips like luscious lollipops, lurching lollyping lipreaders love a languid, labored and lusty lingering at the lady’s lovely lumpy labia leading to loopy Lucy’s love of labiomancy.