Infidelity - Page 13

Orema · 01-07-2024, 05:00 AM

I have cheated and have been cheated on. It’s not good being on either side and there’s no justification for it.

I regret it but I know that the regret only benefits me.

GeorgiaMa'am · 01-08-2024, 02:35 AM

I have not cheated but I have been cheated on. Thankfully, not since I became polyamorous. It's already a complicated enough relationship, I don't know how really awful it might become if someone cheated.

And yes, it is possible to cheat in a poly relationship. We have rules, just some are different from monogamy.

kittygrrl · 01-09-2024, 08:07 PM

I've learned not to have unrealistic expectations when it comes to a lover...don't expect her to be able to be your best friend, and everything else...fight fair & c.o.m.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.e..., negotiate....have fun & do something new to the both of you occasionally...accept that not everyone is monogamous...make peace with it, if this person is perfect in the things that matter most to you...this is my philosophy..no judgement if you disagree!

Bèsame* · 01-10-2024, 01:26 PM

cheating.

I've never cheated. That's like lying. I could not bring myself to hurt someone care I for.

I've been cheated on twice. I entered those relationships knowing they both had cheated before. I guess that old saying, once a cheater always a cheater, is pretty true.

What hurts me the most, is there had to be a moment that thought of breaking the commitment of the relationship came up. Maybe it weighed on their mind? Maybe they didn't think twice? But at that very moment, did you not think how I would feel?

That's the part I never could understand. Narcissistic relationships..

nina03 · 01-10-2024, 03:33 PM

I've been cheated on by two different partners. The first time, in my early twenties, we were monogamous. My wife at the time had an entire other life with a girlfriend who had kids that my wife was part time co-parenting. I didn't know about it until a year after I left her. I was not surprised when I found out, though. It generally fit with her overall horrible personality.

The second time I was cheated on was in my current relationship, 6.5 years ago. At the time, we were poly. Cheating in a poly relationship has many of the same elements as cheating in a monogamous one including dishonesty, breaking relationship agreements, hiding the other relationship, or hiding the extent of it, among other things. (That is to say that the poly relationship wasn't the problem or the part that was "cheating", my partner's dishonesty and disrespect for our agreements was.) When I finally found out all of what had been going on, I was devastated and wanted to break up with my partner. He asked me to stay, and to try to work it out, then broke up with the affair partner that day.

Over the course of the next several years, he went to individual therapy and did intensive work on why he did it, and how to live with integrity moving forward. We went to couple's counseling which we are still doing, and we also attended an affair recovery class for four months. I also went to individual therapy to work through my hurt and anger. It took a long time and a lot of work, but we are healed now. Our communication is better than it has ever been. We are so close and connected, and healthy as individuals and as a couple. I didn't know a marriage could be this way.

We aren't poly anymore, because we wanted to focus intensively on healing our relationship before even thinking about opening it up or giving any energy to other people. At this point, I don't know if we'll go there again, but if we do we have much better communication skills this time, so I think it would be ok.

All of this is to say that infidelity is so hard, and there's no right answer to how to handle it. I would say, though, that if the person who cheated isn't willing to go ALL IN to make amends and do the work to heal themselves and the relationship, it's not emotionally safe to stay with that person. That means taking full responsibility for the harm they caused, and working to help heal the damage and restore trust, which includes not downplaying the harm caused by their actions. It also means not blaming the person they cheated on for their own bad decisions.

I personally am glad that I stayed, and really glad that my spouse was willing to work hard to align with his own integrity. We're living the rewards of the work we did both as individuals and as a couple, but I know that we're the exception to the rule when it comes to this kind of thing.

01-07-2024, 05:00 AM	#241
Orema Superlative Soul Sister How Do You Identify?: Lesbian stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her, shawty Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: Cottage of Content Posts: 13,032 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 41,083 Thanked 34,101 Times in 8,595 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	I have cheated and have been cheated on. It’s not good being on either side and there’s no justification for it. I regret it but I know that the regret only benefits me. __________________ Today is a good day to read a banned book. —Anonymous

01-08-2024, 02:35 AM	#242
GeorgiaMa'am Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: Ma'am Relationship Status: widowed - involved, poly Join Date: May 2010 Location: Georgia Posts: 5,674 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 37,098 Thanked 27,160 Times in 5,130 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I have not cheated but I have been cheated on. Thankfully, not since I became polyamorous. It's already a complicated enough relationship, I don't know how really awful it might become if someone cheated. And yes, it is possible to cheat in a poly relationship. We have rules, just some are different from monogamy. __________________ -GeorgiaMa'am It's been so lonely without you here Like a bird without a song Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling . . . 'Cause nothing compares, nothing compares 2 U - Prince

01-09-2024, 08:07 PM	#243
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: her poison apple Preferred Pronoun?: b. grrl Relationship Status: her favorite snack Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: real close Posts: 8,806 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,382 Thanked 21,373 Times in 6,723 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I've learned not to have unrealistic expectations when it comes to a lover...don't expect her to be able to be your best friend, and everything else...fight fair & c.o.m.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.e..., negotiate....have fun & do something new to the both of you occasionally...accept that not everyone is monogamous...make peace with it, if this person is perfect in the things that matter most to you...this is my philosophy..no judgement if you disagree! __________________ "All cruelty springs from weakness" Seneca

01-10-2024, 01:26 PM	#244
Bèsame* Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femm Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: ☀️☀️☀️ Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Closer to the waves Posts: 14,777 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 28,404 Thanked 39,539 Times in 10,209 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	cheating. I've never cheated. That's like lying. I could not bring myself to hurt someone care I for. I've been cheated on twice. I entered those relationships knowing they both had cheated before. I guess that old saying, once a cheater always a cheater, is pretty true. What hurts me the most, is there had to be a moment that thought of breaking the commitment of the relationship came up. Maybe it weighed on their mind? Maybe they didn't think twice? But at that very moment, did you not think how I would feel? That's the part I never could understand. Narcissistic relationships.. __________________ kisses A kiss is a whisper in your mouth. Can I borrow a kiss? I promise to give it back.

01-10-2024, 03:33 PM	#245
nina03 Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: she/her, or they/them Relationship Status: Very married and in love Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Renton, WA Posts: 322 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 234 Thanked 965 Times in 251 Posts Rep Power: 7952374	My own experiences I've been cheated on by two different partners. The first time, in my early twenties, we were monogamous. My wife at the time had an entire other life with a girlfriend who had kids that my wife was part time co-parenting. I didn't know about it until a year after I left her. I was not surprised when I found out, though. It generally fit with her overall horrible personality. The second time I was cheated on was in my current relationship, 6.5 years ago. At the time, we were poly. Cheating in a poly relationship has many of the same elements as cheating in a monogamous one including dishonesty, breaking relationship agreements, hiding the other relationship, or hiding the extent of it, among other things. (That is to say that the poly relationship wasn't the problem or the part that was "cheating", my partner's dishonesty and disrespect for our agreements was.) When I finally found out all of what had been going on, I was devastated and wanted to break up with my partner. He asked me to stay, and to try to work it out, then broke up with the affair partner that day. Over the course of the next several years, he went to individual therapy and did intensive work on why he did it, and how to live with integrity moving forward. We went to couple's counseling which we are still doing, and we also attended an affair recovery class for four months. I also went to individual therapy to work through my hurt and anger. It took a long time and a lot of work, but we are healed now. Our communication is better than it has ever been. We are so close and connected, and healthy as individuals and as a couple. I didn't know a marriage could be this way. We aren't poly anymore, because we wanted to focus intensively on healing our relationship before even thinking about opening it up or giving any energy to other people. At this point, I don't know if we'll go there again, but if we do we have much better communication skills this time, so I think it would be ok. All of this is to say that infidelity is so hard, and there's no right answer to how to handle it. I would say, though, that if the person who cheated isn't willing to go ALL IN to make amends and do the work to heal themselves and the relationship, it's not emotionally safe to stay with that person. That means taking full responsibility for the harm they caused, and working to help heal the damage and restore trust, which includes not downplaying the harm caused by their actions. It also means not blaming the person they cheated on for their own bad decisions. I personally am glad that I stayed, and really glad that my spouse was willing to work hard to align with his own integrity. We're living the rewards of the work we did both as individuals and as a couple, but I know that we're the exception to the rule when it comes to this kind of thing.