Learning To Live Half-Alive?

[Dude]

Originally Posted by softness

these words of yourse tell me alot. In fact, they tell me her whole story. I too am an alcoholic. A recovering one. To me, what she decided is she didnt want to fix herself. She wants to stay an alcoholic and she found a girl who will let her. Now that makes sense to me. And its a quick fix, which is why it has to happen like this.

I am so sorry, luv, when we alcoholics are active in our addiction, our ways are SO fucking hurtful to the people who love us. We are selfish and cruel and thoughtless, but to us we think we are loving and careful and sensitive. When all we are is manipulative and cunning and conniving. We will call it love and you will believe its love but those are your issues...because you are a codependent...you need Al Anon or CODA. We couldnt do this to you if you didnt let us because you were primed for us. You are sweet and kind and loving but too much so...to the point where you sacrifice yourself to make it happen with the other person. And we will empty your well dry...

I really take offense to you speaking for all alcoholics here. I am a recovering one who is now close to 28 years sober. At worst , my drinking caused me to be flaky and unreliable which was indeed a selfish thing. I was never manipulative or conniving even at my bottom. Huge sweeping generalities of any kind like this I think can be damaging. Sorta like all butch's and femme's are all the same. Hopefully >that< myth has been disproven enough for people to get it by now

Originally Posted by softness

yeah..she is going to hold you hostage. We do that, us alcoholics. We need to hold onto you just in case what we left you for doesnt work out. We always have to have a way back in...

you really want this? I can sit here and be your interpreter all night long. I speak Sick real good. .... Its my native language...

Again, I have never taken a hostage nor had a back burner babe just in case person and I was never dependant on getting back in with anyone.
You may have done all those things but please dont speak for the rest of us.


Girl who is heartbroken,
Don't blame it on the drinking.That's a sure way to keep you stuck.
Stop trying to figure it out, just stick with the facts and move on.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Dude

Don't blame it on the drinking.That's a sure way to keep you stuck.
Stop trying to figure it out, just stick with the facts and move on.

Great advice. People can get stuck with trying to "figure it out" (I'm a good one for that), instead of just accepting what it is and doing what you need to do based on that information.

[Ebon]

Like snowy said just mourn and move on with your life. You will think back on this situation with new eyes once you get through the thick of it. You will have learned another lesson about yourself, life and certain types of people. I know it's hard when you are there and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel because it just happened but it's there. Swim in your emotions and feel them all, learn what you need to learn and move on to your next life adventure. I wish you lots of strength and clarity.

[blush]

Everyone has given you great advice, and I wish you well on your journey through heartache. It can be a long, lonely road.

It's so tempting to post all the details about an ex, but this is a very public forum, and you're posting about very private struggles about someone you profess to love. We all do this sometimes, but is it your story to tell? Perhaps you've gotten her permission?

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Didn't know where else to turn, hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes here by starting a new thread, but... I'm broken.

Today, my ex told me she's moving away with her new girlfriend. Leaving the state. With this girl she's only known for a month and a half.

I broke down crying, and she kept asking me to come see her, saying she didn't want to leave like this... but I told her it hurt too much. She said goodbye on the phone, and said she loved me.

As I type this, my heart feels like it's slowly ripping itself apart.

Just two months ago, she was making love to me telling me I was beautiful... now she's running away with some new girl?

Not going to tell the whole story, but the important factors are that she and I have been falling in love with each other for five years, and we both admitted we were madly in love with each other, but because she's an alcoholic... it can't work until we fix our lives.

Suddenly, there's this new girlfriend, and she says this girl is everything and she'd die without her, etc. etc. She's also cutting herself again for the first time in years.

Now she's leaving me... it doesn't make sense. It really doesn't.

I can't be without her... she is my love. She means more to me than anyone ever has.... for her, my heart </3

[TickledPink]

Doors close so better ones open!

Write yourself a letter of what you want and deserve in a partner. Tuck it away somwhere and, in a year's time, read it. Read all the posts here, I bet you will feel much better!

Of course there is raw / real pain right now. Feel it and move on. Let it remind you of how you are NOT going to let anyone else put you in that state of anguish again.

My bests to you!

[Soft*Silver]

thank you for reminding me that not all of us are as sick as some of us. I speak from my own perspective then...I appreciate the leveling of humility...

Originally Posted by Dude

I really take offense to you speaking for all alcoholics here. I am a recovering one who is now close to 28 years sober. At worst , my drinking caused me to be flaky and unreliable which was indeed a selfish thing. I was never manipulative or conniving even at my bottom. Huge sweeping generalities of any kind like this I think can be damaging. Sorta like all butch's and femme's are all the same. Hopefully >that< myth has been disproven enough for people to get it by now





Again, I have never taken a hostage nor had a back burner babe just in case person and I was never dependant on getting back in with anyone.
You may have done all those things but please dont speak for the rest of us.


Girl who is heartbroken,
Don't blame it on the drinking.That's a sure way to keep you stuck.
Stop trying to figure it out, just stick with the facts and move on.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Wow, so much to respond to. But, I will say, first and foremost, that in regards to exposing a few personal details - I know my limits and boundaries, and what I'm trying to do is simply provide enough information so that others can understand and help me to put together some of the pieces... since I keep cutting my fingers open on them, so to speak

I appreciate you all taking the time to respond, and for offering me your kind words. It's amazing to me.

I'm an overanalyser, that's one thing for sure... hence, I do over-think it and try to figure it out. It's agonizing to say the least... but I'm working on accepting things as they are, and trying to let go, without giving myself a migraine trying to decipher all the reasons why.

I do believe that, in her own way, she does love me. I just don't believe she's quite capable of showing it, save for those very rare times when she's exposed and vulnerable. She's a good person, deep down, but she's stuck underneath all the wreckage. It's up to her to pull herself out, and whether she does or not is up to her. I just can't keep sacrificing my emotional well-being to be her saviour.

to all.

And, a special thanks to June, for fixing my typo...

[The_Lady_Snow]

We've all only stated limits and boundaries due to the fact you've put it out there and asked for our help. It's obvious you are still clouded cause honey there is NO EXCUSE to be an ass hat.

Your ex, is an ass hat and that is NOT love.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I was in no way trying to be... I'm sorry if that is how it seemed.

I was only explaining myself... which I know I'm not very good at

I won't say anything more.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I was in no way trying to be... I'm sorry if that is how it seemed.

I was only explaining myself... which I know I'm not very good at

I won't say anything more.

*sigh*

No one is trying to silence you. We're all concerned for you, your situation sounds dangerous, I have a kid your age, my heart goes out to you, we are scared for you cause frankly your ex is not stable.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I understand completely, and I appreciate the concern. I'm cutting off all ties with her, so there needs to be no worries. I'm focusing on myself, my family, and school. I'm changing my life. I promised myself that when I turned 24, I would - which includes learning to love myself.

Snow Thank you.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I understand completely, and I appreciate the concern. I'm cutting off all ties with her, so there needs to be no worries. I'm focusing on myself, my family, and school. I'm changing my life. I promised myself that when I turned 24, I would - which includes learning to love myself.

Snow Thank you.

*smiles* thank you Prox, I'm glad you found BFP.

[MysticOceansFL]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.

I would say good luck and don't respond to her at all and hopefully you'll get through it.

[Chazz]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

... I'm broken.

Today, my ex told me she's moving away with her new girlfriend. Leaving the state. With this girl she's only known for a month and a half.

As I type this, my heart feels like it's slowly ripping itself apart.

Just two months ago, she was making love to me telling me I was beautiful... now she's running away with some new girl?

she's an alcoholic...

Suddenly, there's this new girlfriend, and she says this girl is everything and she'd die without her, etc. etc. She's also cutting herself again for the first time in years.

Of course you feel "broken", proximitywithoutintimacy, you've just been hit with a ton of CRAZY all at once.

Easy does it, easy does it.

Give yourself time to crawl out from beneath all this CRAZY so you can get your bearings.

Here's a few things you may wish to consider as you do that (and, it's all hers): alcoholism, cutting behavior, insincerity, impulsivity, transient sexual liaisons, drama, attention seeking, bad boundaries, a lack of empathy, cell phone abuse.... (I'm sure you can add to the list if you think about it.)

You may just come out the other side of this situation with a ton of gratitude. I personally think you dodged a bullet.

- Chazz (a substance abuse counselor for 18 years)

[wimsiclegirl]

Originally Posted by Chazz

Of course you feel "broken", proximitywithoutintimacy, you've just been hit with a ton of CRAZY all at once.

Easy does it, easy does it.

Give yourself time to crawl out from beneath all this CRAZY so you can get your bearings.

Here's a few things you may wish to consider as you do that (and, it's all hers): alcoholism, cutting behavior, insincerity, impulsivity, transient sexual liaisons, drama, attention seeking, bad boundaries, a lack of empathy, cell phone abuse.... (I'm sure you can add to the list if you think about it.)

You may just come out the other side of this situation with a ton of gratitude. I personally think you dodged a bullet.

- Chazz (a substance abuse counselor for 18 years)

Wow! I wish I didn't but I recognizes this journey of saddness and broken heartedness ...way too familiar....To love someone so unhealthy for me ...

It took a lot of personal work to find my inner strength and to realize that the issues were not about me and there was no way this could of worked out well without sacrificing my soul...

Chazz is so right!! From the outside looking in the perspective really shifts...May this awful experience lead you to a place of grattitude and Inner strength!

Prayers and Hugs!

[BoDy*ShOt]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I have... t-mobile. With my old phone, I was able to at least block numbers - but with this one, I can't even do that much.

if you really want her to not be able to contact you there are always ways, call your provider and explain that you're getting harassing phone calls and would like to change your number.

[DomnNC]

If you don't want to change your number ask your provider if they can block hers. I can't imagine a phone company in this day and time of advanced technology that can't block a phone number in some manner.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by DomnNC

If you don't want to change your number ask your provider if they can block hers. I can't imagine a phone company in this day and time of advanced technology that can't block a phone number in some manner.

Excellent advice! Really you should check on this. If they won't allow you to do that here's another suggestion: if you are able to set ringtones on your phone set hers to silent and then in all caps prior to her name enter DO NOT ANSWER. That's what I used to do until blocking the numbers was suggested to me.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Chazz, thank you.

I think it's easier for me to deal because the last several days, I've been contemplating just how crazy and out of her mind this woman is... and I don't need that in my life anymore. I mean the fact is, when she was with me, she was finally building a good relationship with her mom for the first time since she came out, she was going to counseling and getting medication for her disease, going to school... and now, all of that has fallen apart. She's burned all of her bridges, and sunk down into a spiral of self-destruction. I'm not saying, "oh, her life was so much better with me" but rather that I was a good thing in her life, a good person - and people who genuinely care about her are very rare in her life. It's just sad, I guess.

"It's not me, it's you."

^^^ My new phrase... it actually helps a lot, because I know I'm worth so much more, and she's drowning in her sickness... I can't be her saviour anymore, and someday, she'll realise just how much damage she has done and hopefully learn to love herself enough to fix it.

Done rambling, haha... as far as blocking her number goes, she hasn't tried to call lately... though I'm contemplating changing my number. I only wonder about all the phone calls I'd have to make if I do that (dentist, doctors, counselors, school, work, etc. etc.).

Thanks to everyone for being so nice and supportive

[The_Lady_Snow]

Glad to year you're in a better head space Próx.!