PTSD and Trauma recovery

[JustLovelyJenn]

I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...

Sadly, we wonder about motives...we wounder why someone would help us or want to be kind to us. I undestand! (((Jenn))). I need to do better at red flags like this. If someone is too kind, I should RUN before my heart breaks.

I've been very filled with panic and anxiety lately, for no apparent reason other than Covid 45, the weather and the government and how it affects life.

I want to be able to talk about it, feel it, process it...but most people say I need to just look for the positive....WHAT positive?

Im told that if a storm is coming, I should ignore it. Not watch the news. If I know a storm is coming at me, I am watching the weather, and if the lights go out im listening on my solar powered weather radio. WE have tornadoes, I have been thru several personally.

I've been though too much. If there are riots, weather, predators (not the hockey team), anything to be aware of....I am super aware. I am ON IT. Hyper alert.

I'm told, (not by my therapist) its obsessive. Maybe so. But also, its PTSD. and PTSD lives with me every day. I wish I could talk about it more without scaring anyone.

Gah

Ps. yes I take medicine for it and have a psychiatrist and therapist,b ut thats not always enough.

[dark_crystal]

The world is very hostile to us right now. I am usually driven to high achievement, but I've put a moratorium on ALL. OF. THAT.

I am in survival mode until further notice. I am barely able to function at work and have shamelessly slashed my duties to the bare minimum.

Speaking as a manager, I am advocating to anyone employed that they get themselves on intermittent FMLA and under an ADA reasonable accommodations agreement.

You can do it under PTSD and you don't really even need to ask for any accommodations beyond "positive feedback" or "sensory-friendly environment." Most doctors are comfortable recommending those. Once you have that paperwork your ass is covered for survival mode.

My intermittent FMLA status means I can walk out or call in at any time without a doctor's note, and my reasonable accommodation agreement means i can blame the environment for all of my mistakes.

Bare minimum for the duration.

The process was exhausting and traumatic:

I emailed HR and requested FMLA paperwork "for my serious health condition." They can't refuse this. Then I sent the forms to my psychiatrist and she sent them back to HR.

After HR had a phone convo with my doctor, they emailed me a letter stating intermittent FMLA was granted for a period of 12 months beginning and ending with (dates)

Once i had that letter, I sent them another email stating that i would like to request reasonable workplace accommodations for my serious health condition. HR came and interviewed me about my needs and had another phone convo with my psychiatrist, after which i got another letter.

Even if they don't grant both requests, you are on record as having made them, and will qualify for unemployment if you get fired.

[dark_crystal]

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

[Kätzchen]

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes.

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious.

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes.

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious.

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K.

You don't have to have a sky-high IQ to be impacted by the challenges and benefits of giftedness.

There is a theory that we can only communicate effectively with people inside a 30-point range. Whether you are in the top 2% or the top 25%, there are going to be impacts from that.

Congrats on having resilience, though. I am told i need to get some of that

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence

Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands.

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?