09-26-2011, 09:42 PM | #81 | |
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For me cheating IS one of the most self centered and selfish thing one can do to your partner... It was when I cheated and it was when I was cheated on... When you cheat, you TAKE someones choice away from them... You withhold information that they need to make a decision on if they want to be with you... Pretty well, you don't want to pay for what you want... You don't want to have to deal with the fall out of what your desires are. It's not so much that you don't want to hurt your partner.. (because if you really didn't want to hurt them, then you wouldn't cheat) It's you don't want to have to deal with the reaction that your partner is going to have from your decision. Cheating is wrong... period... We know it when we do it and we know it when it's done to us.. If it wasn't wrong then it wouldn't feel so bad... If your partner can't meet your needs then you need to talk and GIVE them the choice... Don't treat them like a child and you know what's best for them.... Treat them like a mother fucking adult and let them decided if they want to be with you in an open relationship or what ever arrangement works so both parties get their needs met as well as possible.. I wasn't going to post in this thread because I knew I would get on my soap box again and start preaching cause I am Judgy McJudgeson on this subject, but I couldn't let Potty think that she was alone or that she was being mean...
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09-26-2011, 09:52 PM | #82 | |||||
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My "almost everyone is bi" phase started after I learned about the Kinsey Scale. I figured that there were a very small percentage of people who were actually a Kinsey 0 or a Kinsey 6, and every single point between, from 0.01 to 5.99, meant that the person was bisexual, whether they were willing to admit to it or not. Hell, I thought if a woman who identified as a lesbian had ever even so much as kissed a man and not been totally grossed out by it, then that woman was actually bisexual. Thankfully, that phase was a long time ago and really short lived. Quote:
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Homosexual: Attracted to those who are the same as you Heterosexual: Attracted to those who are different from you Bisexual: Attracted to those who are both the same and different. This could be any number of gender variations.
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09-26-2011, 09:58 PM | #83 |
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Right, exactly. The "well you know there are more than two genders so that's why I am not bisexual!" partyline has always rubbed me the wrong way. Like they're explaining something to me that they presume is news to me.
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09-26-2011, 10:02 PM | #84 | |||
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09-26-2011, 10:11 PM | #85 | |
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09-26-2011, 10:27 PM | #86 |
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Me too, but mostly for her. It was really emotionally difficult for me (I was attracted to him and liked him, but I was ass over teakettle for her and constantly trying to figure out what I was doing wrong since she said she loved me but often acted like she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me), and after I came to that realization I started to feel like I hadn't been her girlfriend so much as an accomplice in her husband's campaign of sexual coercion. That was the last time I ever had a relationship with a couple, even though I did identify as polyamorous for a couple more years after that.
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09-26-2011, 10:37 PM | #87 | |
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I've actually never been involved with a couple. I never wanted to be, it just always sounded a little complicated and negotiation-heavy. And I'm terrible at that sort of thing.
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09-26-2011, 10:53 PM | #88 | |
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And just about every time I saw one or both of them, I'd hear about another talk they'd had about our relationship when I wasn't there, and about the new rules they'd implemented without my input, which I was expected to follow. I'm really disgusted with myself now for putting up with it for as long as I did.
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09-26-2011, 11:02 PM | #89 |
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I don't think you need to be disgusted with yourself, honestly. I mean live and learn I guess. I don't know how old you were then (or how old you are now, now that I think about it) but I do know when we're younger it's harder to draw lines and we tend to be less aware of what we deserve.
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09-27-2011, 05:22 AM | #90 | |
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Laws may be impartial but often, quite often, their implementation is not. So I guess we could do with a bit more equity on that front. You said, “What may be legal behavior may not be moral. What is moral behavior is always legal.” How can that be? If you have legal behavior that is not moral then anyone engaging in that legal behavior is engaging in behavior that is immoral. Conversely if they refuse to engage in that legal behavior that is immoral then their behavior is illegal while being moral. But even if you are only referring to the sometimes immoral behavior of some in the legal profession when you say legal behavior may not be moral, I’m still not sure that moral behavior is always legal. Laws are laws but they are not always moral. Hence disobeying them may be unlawful but not necessarily immoral. As a matter of fact I would go so far as to say in some cases disobeying certain laws is the only moral course of action. Certainly we can find historical precedent for this. I’m also equally sure with little effort we can find immoral laws on the books right now. Isn’t obeying immoral laws both legal and immoral? While disobeying them is both illegal and moral? I suppose we can also look at motivation for certain crimes. Murder can never be the ethical choice, except when it is. And I guess we can all come up with scenarios where killing someone whose continued life would mean terrible things for so many is worth, at least, contemplating this moral dilemma. Stealing is illegal and someone who steals is operating outside the law, but when you need to feed your family what can you do. Who is morally bankrupt, the person who steals to feed his children or the society who promotes an ideology that would create situations where a human being must decide between becoming a criminal or allowing his children to go hungry? I really believe that if the measuring stick a person uses to judge their actions and choices is equity, meaning the action or choice you are making is one you would be comfortable with everyone and anyone choosing, then you will most likely make a choice that has equal respect for the humanity of all. However, I see quite clearly that my post has fallen far from the topic of this thread and I pledge that my next post here will be about bisexuality exclusively. I mean it will be about bisexuality only. My experience with it I mean.
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09-27-2011, 06:04 AM | #91 |
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I lived with a women for six years who identified as bisexual. She always said that she loved the person and not the gender. She was attracted to both men and women, although her attraction surrounding women was restricted to those with a masculine presentation. For her, it was simply about whoever she fell in love with. She preferred monogamy and did not need both men and women in her life sexually at the same time.
She left me for a man. This threw me. It also forced me to confront some deep-seated issues. I became a better person because of that experience. Then she became involved with another woman. Threw me again she did. She married that woman and is still with her today. But when she went back with a woman I discovered some more issues I needed to work through. Apparently I have a number of issues. Fortunately she provided me with a unique opportunity to examine some deep-seated prejudices. I had to decide if I was ready to move past some of my less than useful beliefs as well as some of the biases that I had not been completely aware I carried. I did grow a lot because of this experience. I’m not saying that involvement with someone who is bisexual will afford you an opportunity to grow as a person. Although it will, as will any relationship. I’m just saying I am grateful for the experience I had with this person. I found her to be one of the most honorable people I ever met. Her bisexuality was just a feature of who she was, like being a femme, or like her blonde hair and her blue eyes, or her honesty. On another note, I have no problem with negotiated poly or open relationships. I have been involved in both in my life. But I would have a big problem if an open or poly relationship was being, for lack of a better word, DONE to me without my knowledge. It hurts just thinking about it.
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09-27-2011, 08:39 AM | #92 |
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Honor and integrity are the opposite of cheating or dishonesty.
Regardless of the sex/gender/identity/orientation, for me, the golden rule applies. Tell me what you need, where your head and heart are at and allow me the choice to decide if I can live with it and accept it. If we can not negotiate or are in completely different places, I need to be given the choice to stay or to go. For my soul and ability to live with myself (or with another), it really is just that simple. I am flexible about virtually everything in my life. Relationships to work, must have that as a core. Honesty and truth about fidelity are not negotiable. That is a value of mine that I will never apologize for.
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09-27-2011, 09:34 AM | #93 |
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interesting question. I named myself bisexual from the age of 14 until the age of 27. previously, I had been sexually active with both sexes since I was about 10 (not full on fucking, I mean sexual).
Bisexuality, to me, in my barb self-naming universe, means being able to have long term relationships and to be in love with two or more sexes. Being able to love and romantically realate only one sex, but have sex with two, to me is not bisexuality. That's heteroflexible or homoflexible. A lot of people are that way. When I first ID'd as a dyke, I was told, quite bluntly, I was a "lesbian ID'd bisexual" and I was "a dime a dozen" (cheap and common, that's me! ) which hurt, because it the close friend who had been telling me for about 5 years that I wasn't a bi, I was a dyke. I think she expected me to "go butch" |(she said she always saw me as a butch dyke wanting to break free. well, I wish I had flipper and wings too. oh well.) and when I went femtastic, she was pissed off. I don't see it as a sex thing. that's a different classification in my head. people can be hetero or homo flexible to varying degrees. depends on how flexible you are lol. But bisexuality - in my dictionary - involves *presently* as in, right now, havign the capacity or capability to fall in love with men or women. I don't care if they could 25 years ago, many people's sexuality is not for life, many people's shift over time (NOT EVERYONES m'kay? Mine did. I was never latently lesbian. I fell in love - head over heels with men and women. Now I don't think I could if my life depended on it. And I have zero interest in men's willies except as an aesthetic in porn. But not in real life, ta - only the kind inhabited by dyke dick). Many of my mates were shades of heteroflexible, and some genuinely bisexual. A few were homoflexible on the less flexible end of that scale (they once in a very blue moon had sex with a gay male friend or they liked to strap on and fuck men for the odd kink thrill in a kinkclub) I personally like the divisions between homo/heteroflexible and bisexual. I personally believe it give far more people room and credit. |
09-28-2011, 06:45 PM | #94 | |
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I don't know if I agree or not, but you certainly gave me some ideas to chew on ...Not a big shock there.. |
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09-28-2011, 08:00 PM | #95 |
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Btw, I didn't mean or want to minimize all of you, who posted your lives and tales, I did enjoy them all ; )
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09-29-2011, 09:53 PM | #96 |
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I will generally not discuss that I identify as bisexual because it seems to be such a fear factor in the lesbian community. My first girl friend flipped out when I shared with her that I identified as bi. Over the next year, any challenges in our relationship she would attribute to her fear of my identifying as bi. Including her schlepping off to a hotel room with her ex-girlfriend. Somehow that had to do with my identification...Right!
I'll share with you what I shared with her years ago and what I still stand by. For me, bisexual means I'm attracted to you the person. Your gender and your genitals don't matter to me. If you stir my heart and tickle my fancy, you are the one for me. I am monogamous. Period. If I'm with you, I'm with you. I'm not going to fancy someone different for sex and cheat because I have an urge for a different gender. May sound a little simplistic. There are enough other complications in relationships and the world. This is just how I feel about it. All that being said, I've dated only women the last 5 years. I've had a couple of guy attractions but nothing driving or that I wanted to act upon. That's me. |
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02-01-2012, 08:26 AM | #97 |
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I'm not bisexual, but... the majority of the women I've dated have been. I had a lesbian friend ask me, "Why do you bark up the bi tree so often?" Well, honestly, it's because - apart from the B-F community - the women who dig me and are amendable to what I like in the bedroom usually happen to swing that way. A lot of self-identified lesbians (again, not in this community, just in general) are not so keen on my cock-centric sexuality. Like many genderqueer, transgendered, and male ID'd butches, I bind, pack, and get read as a guy on a regular basis.
Derailed tangents aside: "Being able to love and romantically relate only one sex, but have sex with two, to me is not bisexuality. That's heteroflexible or homoflexible. A lot of people are that way." I agree with that one. In fact, I've said that myself for years. I had a bisexual ex who told me she felt compelled to make up her mind for years. This caused her to have both a straight phase and a gay phase. She eventually "gave up" and realized she could be happy with either. She had friends who had seen her with both sexes, yet still would say things like, "Oh, so you're straight now" if she dated a man or, "Oh, so you're gay now" if she dated a woman. When she told her parents, they said, "Oh, honey, it's just a phase. Everyone is bisexual. Everyone! That doesn't mean you're actually that way! Just focus on your attraction to men and you will be fine." She brought me home and they didn't know what to think.
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02-01-2012, 03:20 PM | #98 | |
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10-28-2013, 10:37 AM | #99 |
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Wow, I talked up a storm here, my apoligies, but damn I apparent needed to rant.
I think some people find bisexual a stepping stone on the way to identifying as lesbian or gay... as to ease the climb... I on the other hand found the steps ended with bisexual. I've never identified as totally straight but I have previously identified as a lesbian, because shit, I must be, I'd been in a relationship with a woman for a decade and a half. It's only on my years long my path of searching for authentic self, retrospectively looking at my feelings of the my youth... honestly looking, untainted by learned prejudices, mass mentalities, have I admitted to something I'd criticized in the past. I enjoy the company and intimate companionship of both sexes fairly equally. If I were to find myself again single, (which as an aside I don't see as I'm happily coupled with a woman and have been for some time) I could in no way say that I would not be with a man, or a woman... I think I would be with whoever stole my heart and who loved me as I loved them regardless of whats between there legs. And it's been proven to me either sex is quite capable of attracting my attention. I will say men have hurt me more, personally. I will also admit to having been raped, but having this happen to you doesn't change your sexual orientation. It doesn't mean all men are bad or evil, although it skewed my thinking and fucked me up for some time I was attracted to men and woman before it happened and am still even though I admit I've had to really work through some deeper issues with that. And to be fair some woman have fucked me up too... All this said, never before has it been so difficult to come out about something as it has about being bisexual. I mean why subject oneself to the bullshit stereotypes, to the alienation from the gay community in which you've built love and lifelong friendships? The straight community can be just as bad... some seem to take it as meaning your a sex nymph. I mean YES I'm bisexual but no it does not mean I'm attracted to you... I'm in a monogamous relationship... then it's like NO I do not want a threesome... if I did find myself single again I realize most lesbians will not date me because I'm bisexual, and some men may not trust me, or worse think I'm a ticket to a peep show... like blah fuck it... why ever tell anyone as long as I live??? After the last national coming out day, and a LOT of thinking, I come out publicly only because of those exact stupid stereotypes. Cause it really pisses me off to have anyone think I'm "confused" or "straddling a fence for the fun of it" or that I'm "more likely to cheat". I will speak out and claim it proudly because I have PRIDE, I want to truth about it all to be visible, and that forces me to make myself visible in hopes of educating people as to what bisexuality is and what bisexuality is not. Last I come out because I have faith in people, I have faith in my friends, and if someday someone doesn't want to be with me just because I'm bisexual I don't want to be with them either, because frankly they are utterly stupid...
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10-28-2013, 12:57 PM | #100 | |
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