Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

[imperfect_cupcake]

This thread is for those in or interested in living apart, together only

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

[Triffid]

I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Triffid

I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.

Sorry you are having trouble... If you are someone INTO the dynamic, what would be your ideal set up?

If you aren't there are actually oodles of places to say that it's not a real committed relationship or there's something lacking. Maybe you can go have that particular conversation there?

[job]

Personally, I like the idea. I have a lot of ocd tendencies and I like my stuff a certain way. Plus, let's face it, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you need some time apart. When I was with my last girlfriend, I would leave for a week at a time just to get some destress time. Of course, she wasn't happy about it. I had suggested that we stop living together and she'd absolutely refused. I think if we had not lived together, we would have been much happier. We still would have split up, but I think it would have lasted longer and not had so much drama at the end.
Perfect scenario for me: A long term mostly monogamous relationship with someone who I would consider to be my best friend, living a few miles or so apart. (Mostly monogamous for me means monogamous with some negotiable freaky shit on the side. But, that's another subject.)

[imperfect_cupcake]

Well, I've always enjoyed long term relationships in my 20s in the same neighbourhood as myself. I never had to live with anyone because they were within walking distance. I could see them every day if I wanted and often did. But never spent every night with them. I always had my own room in a shared house with friends to return to.

It was only when I moved to dyke reslationships that the expectation to live together no matter what came into play.

My flatmate now is married, has been for 8 years. Her wife lives within 20 min walking distance. They spend 5 out of seven nights together. Neither have a car.

Ideally, I'd like to live in the same apartment building, but different floor.
They have their place the way they like, set to it as they see fit. I do the same for mine. I'm not their house wife, they aren't responsible for fixing stuff in my flat or cooking for me.

But we are close enough to pop over for meals, sleep overs, coffee, and keeping seperate space isn't a pain of tracking back and forth. I'm not on the same floor so I don't have to worry I don't have me space where I can't go to the corner store withut her making a mental note of it or can ask me who my friend was at my door at 10pm last night. I like having my girl mates over for cocktails. I don't like people keeping tabs on me when I do or not. I like my me time to be mine and not for the scrutiny of partners. Way too many controlling partners in my past.

I also wouldn't mind if they had a house in the country, maybe up to 90 minutes away. That's way we both have a vacation home from our lives best lived. I have long weekends in the woods, she has long weekends of world cuisine, busy sidewalk cafes, burlesque, alternative markets, queer events, alternative cinema, museums and lectures. A city break of big urban fayre.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I personally don't think it has anything to do with monogamy or not. I'm personally happy with monogamy (I was married monogamously), monogamish (negotiated exceptions - this has been the majority of my long term relationships), being in a polyfidelity triad (all sexually active with each other and no one else. Been in two of these and I enjoyed them), or being in a polyamorous relationship where I am the primary partner (bit tough for me but I think with the right person I could negotiate it).

What is important to me is my space. My feeling of having a place where I don't have to look after someone, I don't have to oblige anyone, my rules are what govern my space, no one watches my every move from brushing my teeth to what I eat for dinner, and I can ask anyone to leave. Or have a friend or family member over at any time. I don't have to ask if I can put a painting up.

Autonomy. It's so incredibly important to me. I cherish it. My space is a reflexion of this.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again.

I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence.

Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned.

I bet you're surprised!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

My dad and stepmom did this for around 30 years before she passed. It was ideal for both of them. They each had their own space so there were no arguments about who was too neat or messy and they lived close to one another so she would cook for him and he'd fix her broken stuff. She didn't want any pets and my dad had a Chow, who are very possessive of one owner, so that worked out well too. They were very stereotypical except for the separate households.

I don't spend much time thinking about the 'ideal' set up but I do like this arrangement. At first, they lived a few blocks from one another and then they moved to an area where they could each have their own abode two doors down from one another. I think that might work best for me; within walking distance but not up my ass.

[cinnamongrrl]

I thought I was atypical in liking this living situation. Don't get me wrong, I don't like sleeping alone all the time. But having your own space has its merits...

I'm with the Canadians!

[Orema]

Thanks for starting this thread, ICC.

I've decided living apart is the only way for me.

As I've written elsewhere on the planet, my dream scenario is for us to live on different sides of the park, lake, mountain, or city. I'm at my place for a few days, we're at hys place for a few days, then we're off on our own for a few days. Hy can keep some of hys things at my place to make things easier. This arrangement would be in a monogamous and exclusive relationship. We just wouldn't live together.

I've had one real-time relationship where this has worked well. A butch I was seeing lived down the street. We broke up for other reasons. I have also met people online who were not interested in meeting if living together wasn't an option at some point. I'm cool with that. I like people who know what will and will not work for them.

And for me, it has nothing to do with absence making the heart grow fonder. It's just what I need to feel good about myself.

I know this way of living isn't for everyone, but it works for me.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

This thread is for those in or interested in living apart, together only

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

I am rather fussy and more than likely SHOULD live alone, but my whole goal is to find someone to do stuff with, go to movies, travel, etc etc so I don't think this would work well for me.

[girl_dee]

i will admit that my cohabitation attempts, even in a room mate situation have never worked out and i cannot blame the other person, i am not easy to live with. Things were fine until the move in, i am sure it not working out was inevitable, but living together was always a mistake.

i love having my own place, so when i give in and give it up, i am resentful. i can admit this now.

That is NOT to say that i don't want my butch to be in my space as we date or have a relationship, its quite the opposite.

i would love to be able to see my love on the weekends or at least be within a few hours drive so we can enjoy time together.

Its VERY hard in our dating pool to find that person that is also near.

[easygoingfemme]

I was just thinking about this discussion at work yesterday. I manage a women's housing program and my largest unit rents furnished rooms to women in a dorm style living situation at a very low cost. I have three women who are married or partnered but live in the building for "their" space and then they visit their partners on the weekends or when they want to. I think it's brilliant. They all came from living together and knew it wasn't working. They couldn't afford their own full apartment or house, so this came to be a logical and safe solution for them to have a happier life and healthier relationship.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by easygoingfemme

I was just thinking about this discussion at work yesterday. I manage a women's housing program and my largest unit rents furnished rooms to women in a dorm style living situation at a very low cost. I have three women who are married or partnered but live in the building for "their" space and then they visit their partners on the weekends or when they want to. I think it's brilliant. They all came from living together and knew it wasn't working. They couldn't afford their own full apartment or house, so this came to be a logical and safe solution for them to have a happier life and healthier relationship.

this IS brilliant!

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I definitely like having my own home, my own place. I don't ever foresee giving up my own residence. It's my quiet place where I can retreat from life and take care of me, in ways that add toward feeling good. Especially so, for me, because even though my children are young adults, I want to keep my family life separate from my romantic life. I just feel better when I've got my own place. I'm definitely the type of person who likes living alone, yet apart when dating or in an relationship (together) .

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i totally relate and do this too! i LOVE my family but i don't want them in my personal relationships. And they can get their own friends!

I'm really glad you bumped this thread, dee, because last spring is when I made my original post (April?).

And I still think that it's a good idea to keep ones romantic life private and separate from family life and even in our circle of fronds or in general. And I also think it's feasible to maintain one's independence in relationship to others.

But....homoe's post showed me a few things about myself that I couldn't see last spring. I too am very particular and probably do well on my own, but I don't think that living on my own, separate from the one I want to share life with, is a going to be a situation that will work for me. So, my thinking was a bit flawed, last spring. I am glad that homoe stated her ideas like she did or I would have never seen the flaw in my thinking.

I don't think living apart/together will be what I want at all. I definitely want to create a life together with the one I want to spend my life and time with.....

[homoe]

I had friends back in Milwaukee and they had an extremely creative way of living together apart I must admit!

One owned a HUGE Victorian Style home. When they refurbished it, they used many of the nooks and crannies of the home to incorporate a separate living space, complete with kitchen and bathroom, for the other.


They have been together well over 25 years so it works for them

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by homoe

I had friends back in Milwaukee and they had an extremely creative way of living together apart I must admit!

One owned a HUGE Victorian Style home. When they refurbished it, they used many of the nooks and crannies of the home to incorporate a separate living space, complete with kitchen and bathroom, for the other.


They have been together well over 25 years so it works for them

I had dear friends, an lesbian couple, who created a living arrangement similar to that of living in a very large turn-of-the-century Victorian home, put on the coast. They each had their own bedrooms on different floors, their own bathroom spaces, and of course, various rooms of their own through out the house (the TV room, the craft and sewing room, a shared reading room) and on the main floor of the house was the kitchen and a huge livingroom, shared by both of them.

I miss them...they've both passed on, several years ago, and withing months of each other. They were inseparable, yet separate and individual as an couple who were together for over 45 years.

[Lyte]

What an interesting topic! I'd never heard of LAT. I think I dig the idea! Off to read some more...

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I had dear friends, an lesbian couple, who created a living arrangement similar to that of living in a very large turn-of-the-century Victorian home, put on the coast. They each had their own bedrooms on different floors, their own bathroom spaces, and of course, various rooms of their own through out the house (the TV room, the craft and sewing room, a shared reading room) and on the main floor of the house was the kitchen and a huge livingroom, shared by both of them.

I miss them...they've both passed on, several years ago, and withing months of each other. They were inseparable, yet separate and individual as an couple who were together for over 45 years.

this reminds me of a poly household and i absolutely love the idea.