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11-04-2009, 11:31 PM
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#1 |
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Timed Out
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Diva 
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Auntie Diva's Story Time
Hello, boys and girls....
Auntie Diva's Story Time has arrived..... Occasionally, something of an amusing nature will happen to your Auntie Diva and she will make a story from it. If you want to come and listen, I will bestow up you your "cousin name".....don't argue with me or your Auntie Diva will make you get a switch from her pecan tree. So stay tuned, kids.....Auntie Diva went to the doctor this morning and there's a story right there! I'll be back to tell you all about it. Auntie Diva may or may not embellish. Signed, Auntie Diva, story~teller for the children...... |
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11-04-2009, 11:36 PM
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#2 |
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Senior Member
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Single, but sociable 
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Subscribing - and anxiously awaiting the first story !!!
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11-05-2009, 06:47 AM
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#3 |
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Senior Member
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No longer a Virgin Bride to Dreamer ~ May 17th, 2014 Join Date: Nov 2009
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Subscribing as well **
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11-05-2009, 04:12 PM
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#4 |
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Timed Out
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Diva
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Auntie Diva's Dream
Good evening, boys and girls.....gather 'round....it's time for yet another story from your Auntie Diva......
Your applause is deafening. This is the story of my dream...... Now....I must admit, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva cannot share ALL of her dreams with you....oh no, no, no.....but sometimes, you could find your Auntie Diva's "dreams" on the internets. If you find that you cannot get to them, then you have been blocked, boys and girls, and you will have to wait until you are 21, or know how to hack into Auntie Diva's Gateway. Nevermind. So.....this is the dream about your Auntie Diva at the Miss America Pageant. I SAID it was a dream, boys and girls. I have found myself at the Miss America Scholarship Pageant......now....don't let them kid you, boys and girls.....there is no scholarship involved here unless it's a scholarship for bikini design and fire baton. But in your Auntie Diva's dream, the Master of Ceremonies is Eric McCormack. You remember Mr. McCormack, boys and girls. He was Will of Will and Grace. All I can say is that Mr. McCormack must have a very lame agent, boys and girls, to lasso a gig like the Miss America Scholarship Pageant, that's all I'm gonng say about THAT. But he was a sweet boy. For SOME reason, your Auntie Diva was working in a backstage capacity....I'm not sure what I was doing there....but I did manage to go out onto the stage and participate in a dance number with the girls . I know. I was quite fetching, I must say. I was wearing some long evening gown sorta thing.....and clearly, I had stolen Queen Elizabeth's cape....You know....the red one with the white fur around the edge? Yeah...that's the one..... There I am, boys and girls.....spinning around on that stage like a whirling dervish. I'm surprised I didn't fall down! And so here we are....done with the dance.....and off the stage we go.....and the girls are off to change into their bikinis and Mr. McCormack and I hear the cue music for their bikini competition! What!?!?!?!?!?! What has happened!?!?!?!?! Mr. McCormack is screaming....."Go talk to the audience! GO TALK TO THE AUDIENCE ....... STALL!!!!" So there I went.....out onto the stage! Oh yes I did, boys and girls.....mic in hand! Did I mention there were tens of thousands in the audience? And judges? (One of whom was Fabio, of course.) So I walk out and say, "I can only imagine your supreme disappointment that I am out here and not the lovely contestants in their bikinis, but Goodyear was fresh out. Yes....I know that many of you out there secretly dream of being in a beauty pageant.....so feel free to live vicariously through me." I was hysterical. "But if YOU want to be in a pageant, follow these simple steps, and you TOO can be standing where I am! Here's what You do: First, wait for all the girls to come backstage. And, as they're coming down the steps in their 4~inch, closer-to-Jesus pumps, casually stretch out your foot <exhibit>....WHOOPS!" I am happy to report, ladies and gentemen, that Miss Texas will only be in traction for a month or so." The audience is hysterical, boys and girls. I could smell an Auntie Diva SITCOM...... "THEN....You have a cape made out of some endangered species ~ or, as in my case ~ a very large endangered species.....OR....steal it from the Queen....or A queen...whichever is easiest......and you're all set. "And lastly....you absolutely need to know and master the parade wave. So....hold up your left hands.....you too, Sir....judges? Don't think you can't learn something....get 'em up! Now do what I do..... "Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch the pearls and blow a kiss! And there You have it, ladies and gentlemen! Nice job, Fabio!" And that was my dream, boys and girls.....your Auntie Diva even woke up laughing this morning! It was choice. It would have been nice to see if I won.....but it was not meant to be, I guess...... Signed, Queen for a Day, your Auntie Diva |
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11-08-2009, 12:57 PM
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#5 |
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Timed Out
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Hello children.....gather 'round.....Auntie Diva has a story to tell.....
One day, Auntie Diva went on a trip to the north country. It was a long, long trip. She was on her way to Minnesota to sing for a wedding! Isn't that fun? So, drive, drive. See Auntie Diva drive!!! She crossed the Red River into Oklahoma...where the wind comes whippin' down the plains! There were surreys with fringe on the top and EVERYthing! So, Auntie Diva is practicing her songs for the wedding....la la la .....toodling along..... "My Romance...doesn't have to have a moon in the sky....." It is a good song, boys and girls....one of Auntie Diva's favorites!! "....no castle rising in Spain...." and the castle is rising....the car is rising...and unbeknownst to Auntie Diva, the speed of her car is ALso rising....and as she tops the hill.... LO AND BEHOLD (Yes...this is a vague reference to our Lord and Savior, sweet infant baby Jeebus....) ~ and how good of the boy to wait for Auntie Diva....It was Officer Davis, boys and girls!!!! And because he knew Auntie Diva loves shiny/sparkly.....he flashed his lights for Auntie Diva. Yes, children.....Auntie Diva broke one of the [many] laws of this great land of ours: Do not sing about Spanish castles in Oklahoma!!!!! And the nice Officer Davis smiled as he said "Press down hard, you're making 3 copies." I'll be pressing down on the printing press as I print $220.00 of brand new twenties to send to the lovely bosses of the nice Officer Davis, whose children will soon have new shoes, thanks to Auntie Diva. The end. ~Auntie Diva, Speed Demonette |
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11-08-2009, 01:08 PM
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#6 |
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Timed Out
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Good afternoon, boys and girls!! It's Auntie Diva!!! Gather 'round for Auntie Diva's Story Time......this is another story about your Auntie Diva's trip to the North Country with your cousin Shizzle. (Just G)
It was a lovely day in the north country! The sun was shining and it was oh such a lovely day for cousin Stacy's and cousin Mike's wedding! But before that....your cousin Shizzle and Auntie Diva decided to drive around the throbbing ~ I mean thriving metropolis of Rochester, MN!!!! Cousin Shizzle was driving Auntie Diva's Soccer Mom Van and nearly hit a Pakistani girl. OUCH! That would have left a mark! Do You know how to say "Look both ways, little Pakistani girl! Look both ways!"?? Let's say it together, boys and girls: "Look both ways, little Paskistani girl! Look both ways!" Very GOOD, children! So. There we were! There were piles of frozen snow on every corner...of course, it had been there for so long, boys and girls, it was hard as a rock! And filthy as your cousin Shizzle's potty mouth! No snow angels for Auntie Diva!! There we were....drive, drive, drive! Boys and girls? Did You know that the Mayo Clinic is in Rochester, MN? Oh yes it is! Let's go get our maps, shall we? Minnesota is also called the Land of 10,000 Lakes!! Of course, Auntie Diva is wondering what person in their right mind would have the time to go and COUNT those lakes?!? I'll bet they had a calculator! Which is today's lesson! Good healthy lake~counting ALways requires a calculator! Did You know that the lakes freeze solid, boys and girls? Oh yes, they DO! And today, we saw two brave but ugly birds who were actually STANDING on the lake! They had caught a FISH, boys and girls, and were eating and pecking the bejeebus out of it for lunch! Yum, brave ugly birds! YUM!  Then, your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle saved the best for last! Nooooooo....You silly monkeys!! Not THAT! Your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle found the big tower on the edge of town that had a giant ear of corn on it....sticking straight up it was! It was disturbing in a way. Your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle may post some picture in their galleries soon of some of their poses with their new friend, Mr Corn Cob Stuck On The Tower!!! I'm SURE You could print these out and they would be suitable for coloring! In fact, if You blew them UP, You TOO could have some intense laughter and fun! Your Auntie Diva may or may not have required the Depends on that day. The end. Love You, Puppets! ~Auntie Diva, Lover O' The Corn Cob |
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11-08-2009, 01:16 PM
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#7 |
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Timed Out
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Hello, boys and girls!! It's story time again....!!!!
Well.....Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle left the quaint yet lovely corn cob capital of Rochester, Minnesota ....on our way to The Kansas City, MO. It was windy, windy, windy, boys and girls! But that didn't stop your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle from their favorite activity! I hear your tiny little bubbly voices, "What IS Your favorite activity, Auntie Diva? Tell us, tell us!" Ohhhh.....you ARE needy little munchkins, aren't you, boys and girls?! Upon our entrance to The Interstate 90 (and your Auntie Diva would like to know just WHO has assigned these various numbers to our highways and by~ways? Hmmm?) we began our favorite activity: counting the carqui along the roadsides. As you know, 'carqui' ~ pronounced CAHR - ki ~ is the plural of carcass. And as we all know, boys and girls, a carcass is merely the remnants of an animal which has been pummulted by the front end of a car, motorcycle, 18-wheeler or some oher form of vehicular transportation. Yessssss...... And your Auntie Diva and cousin Shizzle saw MANY carqui along the roadsides today! We saw deer ~ yes, boys and girls ~ dead Bambis! <shaking heads> We saw raccoons, opossums, hawks, coyotes, foxes (no children....not THAT!) and even a little groundhog, whose tiny little legs were just sticking up in the air, almost as if to say, "Hello, Aunti Diva!". It was sad in an interesting sort of way. And your Auntie Diva gave a sigh each time. Your cousin Shizzle seemed to derive great pleasure from pointing out each and every deceased mammal. He's warped this way, children. No worries, though, your cousin Shizzle isn't ready for the corner just yet. There were also many deceased Target bags flying around, getting stuck in the bushes. Thus the new phrase "....rejected like a used Target bag" came to be. So boys and girls, as you can see, there had to have been several naps taken today in the middle of our visits to the Kum & Go and the Pump & Munch, as the day was rather boring......in a carqui sorta way. I see it is nap time.......that being said: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite, little pookies!!! Love, Your Auntie Diva |
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11-08-2009, 05:25 PM
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#8 | ||
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Timed Out
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Diva
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Quote:
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Oh look, boys and girls!!! It's cousin Abs and cousin Iffy, come to play!!! Now be good little girls and get your Auntie Diva a martini....... ~Auntie Diva |
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11-09-2009, 08:14 AM
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#9 |
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Timed Out
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Subscribing to this!
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11-09-2009, 12:37 PM
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#10 |
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Timed Out
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......and cousin Jr. TOO!
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11-09-2009, 12:48 PM
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#11 |
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Definetly subscribing. I have missed the misadventures of the lovely lady diva
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11-09-2009, 12:49 PM
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#12 |
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Junior Member
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Count me in...I been bit.
How about I go fetch y'all some waaaaan, Muz Diva? |
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11-09-2009, 01:01 PM
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#13 |
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Timed Out
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How New York City got its name.....
Gather 'round, boys and girls....it's storytime with Auntie Diva!!!!
Well......I'm sure you have all heard, kids, that your Auntie Diva went to The Big Apple!! Yes, that's right! New York City!! Now.....did I hear one of you asking why they call New York City "The Big Apple"? I THOUGHT so!!! It's a very good question, boys and girls! And I'm going to tell you why!!! New York City is a very big city, as I mentioned earlier. It's also called "The City That Never Sleeps", boys and girls. And because the people don't sleep there, sometimes they hallucinate! Ha ~ LOO ~ sin ~ ate....let's say it together......Hah-LOO-sin-ate. Very GOOD, boys and girls!!! And because they DID that ~ the word contains "sin".....and the original sin was Eve......and she ate THE BIG APPLE! Eve was from New York City, boys and girls!! See? Yes...another educadtional experience from your Auntie Diva, kids! I'm a giver that way! Signed, Your Auntie Diva |
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11-09-2009, 01:03 PM
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#14 |
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Timed Out
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Why LOOK, boys and girls......it's cousin Bebo and cousin Blue....come to play!!! Hi boys!
~Auntie Diva |
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11-09-2009, 01:05 PM
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#15 | |
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Timed Out
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Cousin Blue....now don't make me make you go get a switch from the pecan tree.....you know good and well your Auntie Diva doesn't start drinking before 1:30 in the afternoon! |
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11-09-2009, 01:09 PM
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#16 |
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Senior Member
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I need ya boo, gotta see ya boo Join Date: Nov 2009
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YAY Auntie Diva...
I love your stories more than this fat kid loves ice cream... 'cause cousin G will knock me over & steal my cake if I have any!! |
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11-09-2009, 01:19 PM
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#17 | |
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Timed Out
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Cousin G won't steal your cake, cousin KaratePrincess, because he knows I will make him go to the pecan tree if he DOES! Your Auntie Diva has spoken. Now go eat your cake and drink your Special Kool~Aid, cousin KP....... Love, Your Auntie Diva |
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11-09-2009, 01:39 PM
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#18 |
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Senior Member
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I'll take kinky & twisted for $200, Alex!! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009
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CAAAAAAAKE!!! Move over Cousin Karate Princess....and get me a fork....I want some CAKE!!!! Gimme gimme gimme!!!!!
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11-09-2009, 01:43 PM
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#19 |
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Timed Out
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Oh dear gay....look who the cat drug in......
Cousin SHIZZLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <eyein' that pecan tree> |
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11-09-2009, 01:52 PM
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#20 |
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Senior Member
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Butch, Switch, Comedian...G...whichever. Preferred Pronoun?:
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I'll take kinky & twisted for $200, Alex!! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009
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Auntie Nanny Nizzle, quit staring at that pecan tree! Tell Karate Princess to give me some cake!! She won't share!
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