Butch/Femme Insemination and Family Dynamics

tcbbutch · 05-10-2010, 10:46 PM

Hi Everyone..have been trying to figure out how to word my questions, but well am just looking for some feedback.
My partner and I are planning on trying to start a family next year. Would love to hear anyone's experiences with artificial insemination. As in things that worked best and things to avoid..
The other question we have is what will the kids call me..of course she's mom ..but that doesn't fit for me and dad well not quite right either, even though I am my girls' Daddy

.. so we were wondering what other couples have decided on and any feedback would be great..Thanks..

cali4nyaprincess23 · 05-12-2010, 03:33 PM

If anybody has any experience with artificial insemination we'd love to hear from you. Tcbbutch and I are planning on starting a family in the next year and stumbled across one problem. What would our child call my stone butch partner? I'm going to be mom of course but, we are trying to figure out a name for the kids to call hym. If you have any name ideas from your own experiences or know others that have done this too please throw out some ideas. We already talked about "dad" and that isn't what my partner really wants to go by. We'd really love to hear from individuals that have this experience but all responses welcome. Thank You!

Corkey · 05-12-2010, 03:49 PM

I think the silence is because it's something the two of you need to decide on, the rest of us have opinions, and aren't involved in your relationship, so it would be pointless to express our opinions.
You two are gonna have to figure this out.

Wishing you both good luck!

RadiantYearning · 05-12-2010, 04:08 PM

Congratulations to the two of you as you prepare to begin planning a family together. I have two children who were conceived via artificial insemination. Both of our experiences with insemination were very, very positive but that isn't the case for everyone. I'm very fortunate to be incredibly fertile, so my insemination was quick and easy. You will have many decisions to make in this journey and I'd be happy to share my experiences with you. Hopefully I can shed some light on things for you a little bit. Please feel free to message me on here and I will happily share my contact information.

As far as what the child will call tcbbutch ... I would agree with Corkey that this is something that the two of you will have to work out together. I'm assuming, though, that you're only looking for others to comment on their own personal situations to introduce you to some possibilities. In my situation, my then partner and I decided that we would allow the child to decide what to call her. In the end, I was mommy and she became "Mimi."

tcbbutch · 05-12-2010, 05:14 PM

Thanks ...I guess thats more what we are looking for not really what I will be called but how other couples have come to reach that decision. As you say it is a very personal thing.
So if anyone has anything they would like to share about how they made those decisions that would be great. Thanks again for any ideas or personal experiences with either the insemination process or the dynamics involved.

BoDy*ShOt · 05-12-2010, 05:59 PM

yay! more ButchFemme babies!!

my ex and i have an almost 3 yr old son via AI - i carried and she did a second parent adoption when he was 6 wks old (in san antonio - i can give yall the attorney we used - ADORE her!) we used the california cryobank for the goods and did complete medical route for the insemination (if yall are in Dallas i can give you the doctor/clinic we used as well!) our pregnancy journey took 5 inseminations w/ 3 donor changes....our "gettin pregnant" insemination would have been the last try - it took a toll financially, emotionally, and physically....

tcb - my ex didn't want to be called mommy (that's ME!) as it didn't fit her, like you feel...or daddy either...so we combined it and she's called maddy - and it fits her perfectly.

good luck on your journey...and feel free to ask me any questions!

tcbbutch · 05-12-2010, 11:05 PM

Thanks BodyShot for all the great info. The lawyer info will probably be most definitely something we will need. I live outside of Houston in the direction of San Antonio so that is great. I will PM you if that is easier and of course feel free to PM either of us.
We appreciate all the information and help we can get. Thanks for sharing ur story.

Gemme · 05-13-2010, 10:14 AM

Like Corkey said, it's a very personal thing to decide and, honestly, you may not have anything to do with the choice in the end. Babies...well, toddlers will assign you a name they feel comfortable calling you. It may be Papa or some derivative of your chosen or birth name or may be something completely off the wall.

No matter what, I wish you well on this journey.

Kobi · 05-13-2010, 10:38 AM

Did anyone else have a totally different idea before they read what this thread was about?

Ok getting my mind out of the gutter........good luck on this new journey in your lives.

Rivkeh · 10-05-2011, 02:05 AM

Myself and my partner at the time, conceived my daughter through alternative insemination back in 1989. That moment of holding that baby in your arms and knowing that your love has helped give life to this precious being is simply THE most mind blowing experience-everything else literally fades into the background. My daughter is now a beautiful 21 year old woman with a lot of pride about her family of origin.

Although that relationship did not survive (we separated when my daughter was eight months old-we were very young), I would have to say that for the most part there were very positive experiences for her growing up.
My partner was Stone Butch and we talked about different parental names for her (I was mama), but settled on a masculine version of her name rather than daddy. With the partner I ended up parenting with, my daughter just called her by her first name.

There was a small group we went along to that had a list of donors. What we were doing was illegal, so no clinics or legal protection. We very much based our decisions on instinct and trust-because that is all we had.
We chose to go with a known donor, from that list, because we wanted to make sure she could contact the donor if she chose to. I felt very strongly about that, but everyone makes their own decisions based on what is essential to them. He has been an amazing friend and we actually consider him more like family, but only because it turned out so positively with him.

My daughter attended a Jewish school and did not suffer discrimination because of my sexual identity which i tried to make no big deal, but at the same time not hide.
One of the downsides was that given where we live (Australia) and the time that it was, there were very very few families like ours. I did try to link with other families but the groups were made up of women who had had their children through a previous heterosexual marriage or relationship, wherein the dynamics were quite different. I think that it would have been very affirming for her to have had those sorts of connections.

My best wishes on this truly amazing journey you are planning to embark on...

Butchlei · 10-07-2011, 10:51 AM

I think this thread was made for me

My ex-partner and I had a beautiful baby girl almost 6 years ago through artificial insemination who is the love of my life. We separated and 3 years later I re-married .... I am pleased to say, my wife and I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl who is now 4 months old ...

My 3 girls (9, 6, and 4 months) called me Dadda and call my wife Mimma.

I will say that being a parent is not for everyone ... its a lifelong responsibility and will put a huge strain on your relationship ... but for me, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Artificial insemination is a process ... the first time my partner was inseminated at the doctor's office. For my second child, we did it at home ... i inseminated my wife in the privacy of our home.

Both methods worked ... it will depend on your wife's age, her health, and her reproductive system.

Butchlei · 10-07-2011, 10:53 AM

PS - I forgot to mention ...

Both my daughter are my legitimate daughters and I am on their birth certificates. We did a second parent adoption for my first child and I was placed automatically on my second daughter's birth certificate since her mom and I are legally married.

Remember that with the privilege comes the responsibility ... i will be paying child support for my first child until she is 18 !!!

crashhere4eva · 10-07-2011, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tcbbutch

Hi Everyone..have been trying to figure out how to word my questions, but well am just looking for some feedback.
My partner and I are planning on trying to start a family next year. Would love to hear anyone's experiences with artificial insemination. As in things that worked best and things to avoid..
The other question we have is what will the kids call me..of course she's mom ..but that doesn't fit for me and dad well not quite right either, even though I am my girls' Daddy

.. so we were wondering what other couples have decided on and any feedback would be great..Thanks..

Hi TC,
I happened to meet someone who coincidently had been trying to get pregnant before we met and it actually took just about the time we met (so she told me anyway). Regardless, I don't really identify as "Daddi" to her or "Daddy" to a child but we would have taught the child to call me "Daddy" because although I am not male, I still take on that role in a child's life. To me, Daddy is more about what you do for the child and the role you play in their lives. I am the more masculine in a relationship and I represent the more masculine role in the family dynamic. I would not frown at being called "Mommy" however, hell I would just be glad to hear a lil boys or lil girls voice call out to me period.
Congratulations to you and your Lady. I wish you the very best bud.

Midnight · 10-16-2011, 08:31 PM

My partner and I went through artifical insemination with an unknown donor via a clinic. (There is the option to 'find' the donor in the future if he agrees) When we went through this process we had to travel to another state (NSW) as it was illegal for same sex couples in Victoria at the time. It took 7 months with monthly injections to help with fertility before we were successful in falling pregnant and cost around A$1000 per month without the cost of petrol, and loss of wages to travel at a moments notice. It was worth every penny. We have a beautiful daughter whom we are so very proud of. It was an emotional rollercoaster though. Especially when we fell pregnant but then lost the pregancy early. My daughter calls me Rhi or Rheesy, we decided on this name as it comes from the word Rhiant in welsh, meaning parent. It would be nice to have a general name for the non bio parent throughout the community though, but thats my opinion

Its funny but I do see myself in her, which I guess goes to show you that its not just biology that makes up a person. Wishing each of you love and success in creating a wonderful family of your own. ps: School has been fine with our family with no outward discrimination at all. The other children happily accept our daughters family makeup without blinking an eye and the other parents are fine too.

Rivkeh · 10-18-2011, 03:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midnight

The other children happily accept our daughters family makeup without blinking an eye and the other parents are fine too.

Yes! Exactly what happened with us--and the pyjama parties were always the coolest at our place--apparently LOL

05-10-2010, 10:46 PM	#1
tcbbutch Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Hy..Hym Relationship Status: Her Daddy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 11 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 31 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 247851	Butch/Femme Insemination and Family Dynamics Hi Everyone..have been trying to figure out how to word my questions, but well am just looking for some feedback. My partner and I are planning on trying to start a family next year. Would love to hear anyone's experiences with artificial insemination. As in things that worked best and things to avoid.. The other question we have is what will the kids call me..of course she's mom ..but that doesn't fit for me and dad well not quite right either, even though I am my girls' Daddy .. so we were wondering what other couples have decided on and any feedback would be great..Thanks..

05-12-2010, 03:33 PM	#2
cali4nyaprincess23 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Relationship Status: Hys Lady Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: california Posts: 28 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1 Thanked 14 Times in 10 Posts Rep Power: 13806	Bump If anybody has any experience with artificial insemination we'd love to hear from you. Tcbbutch and I are planning on starting a family in the next year and stumbled across one problem. What would our child call my stone butch partner? I'm going to be mom of course but, we are trying to figure out a name for the kids to call hym. If you have any name ideas from your own experiences or know others that have done this too please throw out some ideas. We already talked about "dad" and that isn't what my partner really wants to go by. We'd really love to hear from individuals that have this experience but all responses welcome. Thank You!

05-12-2010, 03:49 PM	#3
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,299 Times in 6,640 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I think the silence is because it's something the two of you need to decide on, the rest of us have opinions, and aren't involved in your relationship, so it would be pointless to express our opinions. You two are gonna have to figure this out. Wishing you both good luck! __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

05-12-2010, 05:59 PM	#6
BoDyShOt Member How Do You Identify?: Queer. Femme. Preferred Pronoun?: girl ones Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Twin Cities Posts: 1,020 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,460 Thanked 2,096 Times in 532 Posts Rep Power*: 21474852	yay! more ButchFemme babies!! my ex and i have an almost 3 yr old son via AI - i carried and she did a second parent adoption when he was 6 wks old (in san antonio - i can give yall the attorney we used - ADORE her!) we used the california cryobank for the goods and did complete medical route for the insemination (if yall are in Dallas i can give you the doctor/clinic we used as well!) our pregnancy journey took 5 inseminations w/ 3 donor changes....our "gettin pregnant" insemination would have been the last try - it took a toll financially, emotionally, and physically.... tcb - my ex didn't want to be called mommy (that's ME!) as it didn't fit her, like you feel...or daddy either...so we combined it and she's called maddy - and it fits her perfectly. good luck on your journey...and feel free to ask me any questions! __________________ ...not your average betty.

05-13-2010, 10:14 AM	#8
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,587 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,179 Thanked 108,769 Times in 25,659 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	Like Corkey said, it's a very personal thing to decide and, honestly, you may not have anything to do with the choice in the end. Babies...well, toddlers will assign you a name they feel comfortable calling you. It may be Papa or some derivative of your chosen or birth name or may be something completely off the wall. No matter what, I wish you well on this journey. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

05-12-2010, 04:08 PM	#4
RadiantYearning Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Girlie ones ... Relationship Status: Damsel, non-distressed, seeks knight in shining armour! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Mt. Olympus Posts: 39 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 54 Thanked 146 Times in 27 Posts Rep Power: 1528400	Congratulations to the two of you as you prepare to begin planning a family together. I have two children who were conceived via artificial insemination. Both of our experiences with insemination were very, very positive but that isn't the case for everyone. I'm very fortunate to be incredibly fertile, so my insemination was quick and easy. You will have many decisions to make in this journey and I'd be happy to share my experiences with you. Hopefully I can shed some light on things for you a little bit. Please feel free to message me on here and I will happily share my contact information. As far as what the child will call tcbbutch ... I would agree with Corkey that this is something that the two of you will have to work out together. I'm assuming, though, that you're only looking for others to comment on their own personal situations to introduce you to some possibilities. In my situation, my then partner and I decided that we would allow the child to decide what to call her. In the end, I was mommy and she became "Mimi."

05-12-2010, 05:14 PM	#5
tcbbutch Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Hy..Hym Relationship Status: Her Daddy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 11 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 31 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 247851	Thanks ...I guess thats more what we are looking for not really what I will be called but how other couples have come to reach that decision. As you say it is a very personal thing. So if anyone has anything they would like to share about how they made those decisions that would be great. Thanks again for any ideas or personal experiences with either the insemination process or the dynamics involved.

05-12-2010, 11:05 PM	#7
tcbbutch Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Hy..Hym Relationship Status: Her Daddy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 11 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 31 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 247851	Thanks BodyShot for all the great info. The lawyer info will probably be most definitely something we will need. I live outside of Houston in the direction of San Antonio so that is great. I will PM you if that is easier and of course feel free to PM either of us. We appreciate all the information and help we can get. Thanks for sharing ur story.

05-13-2010, 10:38 AM	#9
Kobi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Biological female. Lesbian. Relationship Status: Happy Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Hanging out in the Atlantic. Posts: 9,234 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,840 Thanked 34,662 Times in 7,652 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	Did anyone else have a totally different idea before they read what this thread was about? Ok getting my mind out of the gutter........good luck on this new journey in your lives. __________________

10-05-2011, 02:05 AM	#10
Rivkeh Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: In formal settings...Miss Relationship Status: Wrapped up with a Shiny Red Bow Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Australia Posts: 221 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 211 Thanked 448 Times in 127 Posts Rep Power: 3852909	Myself and my partner at the time, conceived my daughter through alternative insemination back in 1989. That moment of holding that baby in your arms and knowing that your love has helped give life to this precious being is simply THE most mind blowing experience-everything else literally fades into the background. My daughter is now a beautiful 21 year old woman with a lot of pride about her family of origin. Although that relationship did not survive (we separated when my daughter was eight months old-we were very young), I would have to say that for the most part there were very positive experiences for her growing up. My partner was Stone Butch and we talked about different parental names for her (I was mama), but settled on a masculine version of her name rather than daddy. With the partner I ended up parenting with, my daughter just called her by her first name. There was a small group we went along to that had a list of donors. What we were doing was illegal, so no clinics or legal protection. We very much based our decisions on instinct and trust-because that is all we had. We chose to go with a known donor, from that list, because we wanted to make sure she could contact the donor if she chose to. I felt very strongly about that, but everyone makes their own decisions based on what is essential to them. He has been an amazing friend and we actually consider him more like family, but only because it turned out so positively with him. My daughter attended a Jewish school and did not suffer discrimination because of my sexual identity which i tried to make no big deal, but at the same time not hide. One of the downsides was that given where we live (Australia) and the time that it was, there were very very few families like ours. I did try to link with other families but the groups were made up of women who had had their children through a previous heterosexual marriage or relationship, wherein the dynamics were quite different. I think that it would have been very affirming for her to have had those sorts of connections. My best wishes on this truly amazing journey you are planning to embark on... __________________ -Rivkeh-

10-07-2011, 10:51 AM	#11
Butchlei Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Lan Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: New York City Posts: 13 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 0 Thanked 39 Times in 11 Posts Rep Power: 609404	I think this thread was made for me My ex-partner and I had a beautiful baby girl almost 6 years ago through artificial insemination who is the love of my life. We separated and 3 years later I re-married .... I am pleased to say, my wife and I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl who is now 4 months old ... My 3 girls (9, 6, and 4 months) called me Dadda and call my wife Mimma. I will say that being a parent is not for everyone ... its a lifelong responsibility and will put a huge strain on your relationship ... but for me, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Artificial insemination is a process ... the first time my partner was inseminated at the doctor's office. For my second child, we did it at home ... i inseminated my wife in the privacy of our home. Both methods worked ... it will depend on your wife's age, her health, and her reproductive system.

10-07-2011, 10:53 AM	#12
Butchlei Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Lan Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: New York City Posts: 13 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 0 Thanked 39 Times in 11 Posts Rep Power: 609404	PS - I forgot to mention ... Both my daughter are my legitimate daughters and I am on their birth certificates. We did a second parent adoption for my first child and I was placed automatically on my second daughter's birth certificate since her mom and I are legally married. Remember that with the privilege comes the responsibility ... i will be paying child support for my first child until she is 18 !!!

10-16-2011, 08:31 PM	#14
Midnight Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: she, her Relationship Status: Married to the most beautiful girl in the world Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: The back of beyond Posts: 304 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 579 Thanked 482 Times in 176 Posts Rep Power: 5305538	My partner and I went through artifical insemination with an unknown donor via a clinic. (There is the option to 'find' the donor in the future if he agrees) When we went through this process we had to travel to another state (NSW) as it was illegal for same sex couples in Victoria at the time. It took 7 months with monthly injections to help with fertility before we were successful in falling pregnant and cost around A$1000 per month without the cost of petrol, and loss of wages to travel at a moments notice. It was worth every penny. We have a beautiful daughter whom we are so very proud of. It was an emotional rollercoaster though. Especially when we fell pregnant but then lost the pregancy early. My daughter calls me Rhi or Rheesy, we decided on this name as it comes from the word Rhiant in welsh, meaning parent. It would be nice to have a general name for the non bio parent throughout the community though, but thats my opinion Its funny but I do see myself in her, which I guess goes to show you that its not just biology that makes up a person. Wishing each of you love and success in creating a wonderful family of your own. ps: School has been fine with our family with no outward discrimination at all. The other children happily accept our daughters family makeup without blinking an eye and the other parents are fine too.