How do you communicate when you're angry?

[spritzerJ]

Originally Posted by femmsational

I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.

Okay when I get angry I usually want to write or I talk a lot. I can go for hours. I get very literal and specific. It becomes crystal clear to me... and no one else.

I curse tons. If I am saying the same thing 2 or more times then I am really trying to stop myself from going further and saying more. cause it isn't pretty.

And that small smile, smirk, et.... ya um it is me deciding someone is going down. So it isn't going to go well. And so when I get to that point I try to stop myself hard.

[femmsational]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

Okay when I get angry I usually want to write or I talk a lot. I can go for hours. I get very literal and specific. It becomes crystal clear to me... and no one else.

I curse tons. If I am saying the same thing 2 or more times then I am really trying to stop myself from going further and saying more. cause it isn't pretty.

And that small smile, smirk, et.... ya um it is me deciding someone is going down. So it isn't going to go well. And so when I get to that point I try to stop myself hard.

LOL!! That's exactly right. When it gets to the point that the "smile" comes out, it's usually about the time I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the body. Have to rein back REAL quick. hehehe

I get the crystal clear to you part. I'm the same way. But I always assume it's because they are just too stupid to figure out the truth. Remember, this is when I'm angry, not rational

[Glenn]

Well, it depends who it's with. If it's with my alpha femme boss who pays me, well....I would look awed, be patient, peaceful, listen attentively, agree with it all, (even if I don't believe a word of it), let it slide, tell her I can handle it, everything is fine, fix it, business as usual.
If it's with someone else I rarely see to argue with, yelling would work really well, but that is reserved for special occasions. It's usually, "I'll talk to you later", or "I'll think about it." and leave.
If it's with someone who has been regularly abusive, before I leave, I will treat them as they treat me, involve others, if it gets rough call 911, and bring it in the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

[imperfect_cupcake]

There is one person that can actually yell at me, while angry, upset me to the point of crying yet still some how eventually make me laugh while she is yelling.

OHMYGODBARB SHUT.UP.!!!! NO! SHUT.IT!... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME AND IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK I WILL PUSH MY FIST UP YOUR ARSE!!!! (Previously getting wobbly lipped as soon as she says "I will push my fist up your arse", I know she's frustrated rather than freak out angry and I calm down and sometimes even smile)

When I yell back OHMYGOD YOU ARE FUCKING IRRITATING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO YELL AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A FOUR YEAR OLD AND YOU WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME BUT IF I ACT RESPECTFUL YOU TURN INTO A COMPLETE DICKHEAD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she: whatevvvvverrrrrrrrrr

me: stop that. I fucking hate that word. You say that one more time -

she: whateverrrrrrrrrrrrr!

me: (hey name in explatives)!!!!! STOP IT!!!!

she: whaaaat.ever.

and suddenly I'm smirking and calling her a shithead and giggling. Anyone else I'd go mental. Sometimes I really do see a trickster god prancing about in hooves teaching me a lesson about my own tolerances. And for some reason, I always feel really greatful for that, even when I want to throw her off a bridge.

[Kätzchen]

I can relate to the idea of HoneyBarbara's - the one about throwing someone off a bridge! When I was younger, 20's to late thirties, I seemed to be more on the reactionary side in an argument; whether the argument was with someone like a stranger or someone I knew but didn't know really well to people I'd be in an argument with - like someone in my family.

I got so angry with a persistent condition in my own family that my anger led me to stop talking to all of them for a rather long period of time - like ten years or better.

I'd have to say that lately, like over the past ten years or so, the way I handle my own anger or my own behavior when involved in an argument, mostly has been shaped by obtaining a formal education and learning to harness my own actions or reactions or inactions in a less agressive kind of way. And it didn't happen overnight but rather it took the better part of the last ten years to figure out how to leash my own anger and try to not be so reactive. I am not totally healed of my former abilities - I doubt I ever will be...

But, I guess the way I handle being angry now is primarily managed by a 'booby-trap' system of my own making in that I know what my triggers are, what causes me to be angry and what I do, which has taken me quite a bit of time and practice to nail it down, is to go into quite commando trance (for lack of a better way to describe it) and sit quietly as possible or even take myself out of the whole scenario and ask myself some really intense questions and map out a way to be as sweetly and unpredictably as disarming as possible, when solving why I am so angry.

[ahk]

I don't communicate when I'm angry. I just wait til I'm calm and then I speak--

[Novelafemme]

I go for a walk.

It always works.

If someone told me to "shut up" we would no longer be friends/a couple/partners. It's just not ok.

[kissinfemme]

When angry, I don't speak. Words hurt, can't be taken back & will rattle around in your head/heart forever, so.... I just don't & will wait till I'm calm.

[Okiebug61]

I was taught years ago in a management class to always count to 100 before opening one's mouth. I believe it is the samething as engaging one's brain before opening one's mouth. If I had to confess how many times I have counted to 100 I imagine it would circle the planet more than once :-). 1,2,3,4,5 etc.

[bigbutchmistie]

I really dont say anything. I just become really quite. When I get done being mad then Im ready to talk about it...

[macele]

you know sometimes we wonder (well i do.) if we've changed. that, "have i changed?" i've changed. i really have. oh my. when i get angry, there is no telling what i will say and do. i can't control it at all. it's unreal how much i've changed. i used to be quiet, walk away. and i used to let things go. i think that i can still do that at times, let it go. but only after i have shook the walls.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It really depends on the dynamic with the person. however, I find it waaaaayyyyyyy easier if people can take the piss (tell me they are going to throw me off a bridge, tell me to shut up [not in an angry Axis of Evil kind of way but a auuuugh I love you but I'm gonna skin you in a minute, kind of way], tell me I am driving them to drink ajax milkshakes etc) because making me and her laugh during those kinds of moments lightens the mood of the frustation. so one can be yelling *and* laughing *and* frustrated *and* actually interested in solving the issue all at the same time, rather than it being all quiet, sparkly and earnest, heavy and super serious. I had a partner who was "respectful" in that way and frankly it felt like discussing a load of old bricks every time some thing "serious" came up. Like talking in a wet lesbian potato sack.

No thanks.

After spending 10 years in the UK and hanging out with Australians, Kiwis, Irish, Welsh, Scot... no. I'd rather have an arsey, fun, laughing, expressive discussion with piss taking where shut up doesn't mean disrespect, it means "offs!"... when me and my mom were barking a bit while I was trying to get her finances done in an excel sheet, she said
"well you'd never make an IT help desk. You are far too aggressive. the boys at the school are much nicer."
"ok mom. would you like me to (suddenly speaking in a gentle customer service voice) help you? well if you would like to just please wait for a moment while I get your - "
Laughing "oh fuck off."
"exactly. now shut up so I can work."

I dunno. I never want to go back to discussions I can't laugh in, no matter how angry I am. I can't take the wet, oh so serious, lesbo drama anymore. Even if we are discussing something very serious. There's a way to mix it. And yes, someone telling me to shut up, fuck off, I'm going to tie you to a railway track in a minute etc, does make me laugh (granted, tone is everything. But you can say "nice" things in a shite tone and it still sounds like cold sick).

I know some people can't cope with that, and I'd never be a good partner for them. They'll find me disrespectful and rude, I'll find them overly dramatic and wet.

Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily.

[DamonK]

In the last few months, this has been... Err... Well, repeated in my life.

7 years ago.... It would have been..."you're right baby" even if my partner were in the wrong

5 years ago, I was spiraling into drug addiction, and increasingly angry. All the write ups at work showed my lack of healthy communication while angry.

3 years ago, silence. I would have just taken it.

In each of these stages, I recognized parts of my childhood. At least me...you said whatever you had to in order to get the yelling to stop. That's not to say I never blew up. I did.

Now, clench my jaw... I may be mad, but it is more likely I'm trying to see your side, and trying to not react until then. I'm very black and white, so this step is very important to me. It helps me learn gray areas.

Sometimes I raise my voice. I try not to because I know how it upsets me when I'm yelled at. However, I've been told.... Me yelling is not a cause for worry....

When you worry is when I go silent. If I go silent, I'm past angry. By then. I'm usually livid. If I reach that point, my suggestion is you stop yelling at me and let me leave. Don't try to engage me. Don't try to apologize. Don't try to talk it out. If I'm silent, I probably can't talk by then. When I can, I will come back and we can talk it out.

When you worry is when you hear a soft "fine". That's generally a sign that silence is coming and you should either change tatics or disengage entirely.

This one has only ever occurred once or twice... A soft "well fuck you then". I'm fixing to blow up.

If I look down, and refuse to look up... I probably can't. If this occurs, you have probably crossed a line, darted back, crossed back over and the words cut me too deep. Or if I happen to cry. It does not happen often, but it does on occasion. If either of these happen, cease fire. You've caused massive damage. Generally if either of these have happened, something entirely irrational has happened. If either of these happen, an apology doesn't fix it. I will accept it if given in good faith, but it by no way means I've forgiven you.

I'm not perfect. I can't say I've always fought fair. But, I'm finding as I get older, I'm willing to try harder to fight fair.

Most often, especially with how black and white I am, I try to walk away until we can talk it out. Anger, while healthy, isn't always healthy. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to vent. I do not have the right to get hateful. I do not have the right to get cruel.

If you happen to get hateful or cruel, that is on you. Not me.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

It really depends on the dynamic with the person. however, I find it waaaaayyyyyyy easier if people can take the piss (tell me they are going to throw me off a bridge, tell me to shut up [not in an angry Axis of Evil kind of way but a auuuugh I love you but I'm gonna skin you in a minute, kind of way], tell me I am driving them to drink ajax milkshakes etc) because making me and her laugh during those kinds of moments lightens the mood of the frustation. so one can be yelling *and* laughing *and* frustrated *and* actually interested in solving the issue all at the same time, rather than it being all quiet, sparkly and earnest, heavy and super serious. I had a partner who was "respectful" in that way and frankly it felt like discussing a load of old bricks every time some thing "serious" came up. Like talking in a wet lesbian potato sack.

No thanks.

After spending 10 years in the UK and hanging out with Australians, Kiwis, Irish, Welsh, Scot... no. I'd rather have an arsey, fun, laughing, expressive discussion with piss taking where shut up doesn't mean disrespect, it means "offs!"... when me and my mom were barking a bit while I was trying to get her finances done in an excel sheet, she said
"well you'd never make an IT help desk. You are far too aggressive. the boys at the school are much nicer."
"ok mom. would you like me to (suddenly speaking in a gentle customer service voice) help you? well if you would like to just please wait for a moment while I get your - "
Laughing "oh fuck off."
"exactly. now shut up so I can work."

I dunno. I never want to go back to discussions I can't laugh in, no matter how angry I am. I can't take the wet, oh so serious, lesbo drama anymore. Even if we are discussing something very serious. There's a way to mix it. And yes, someone telling me to shut up, fuck off, I'm going to tie you to a railway track in a minute etc, does make me laugh (granted, tone is everything. But you can say "nice" things in a shite tone and it still sounds like cold sick).

I know some people can't cope with that, and I'd never be a good partner for them. They'll find me disrespectful and rude, I'll find them overly dramatic and wet.

Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily.

I like it that you said, "Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily."
Equally, I liked the "tie you to a railway track in a minute" --
-- witty banter like this is something I miss terribly.

Years ago, I happened to become friends with a young woman (same age as my daughter) while earning my bachelors in college. I remember sitting in class, relentlessly taking my own notes of a lecture in progress and Brynn was sitting across the aisle from me, as I executed my perfect penmanship in strikes of lightening fashion. She was also disrupting my flow. I gave her my best "Femme Death Stare" and an evil smile so she'd know I was kidding, yet deadly serious about her disrupting my method of madness! After class, she was all over me like a sweet baby kitten looking for a mother and that's how we became friends - for the longest time. She's no longer in my life right now but I suspect we'll reconnect somewhere down the road, later in life. She totally got who I was in one single fell swoop and I had totally pinned her style of communication in much the same way. Somehow, it's my belief, the universe brings people to your life exactly when you need them. She had been with her then-current boyfriend since high school days and they were having serious troubles communicating with each other, but he was anything but what she could need in a boyfriend. I remember well, how she'd call me late at night, wanting to be study partners for our expected homework in our class and of course, because I could tell by her voice, inflected with all kinds of silent communicators, revealing what she truly was after: bonding time with a mature person who could help her solve her problems (even if it entailed being stoned to the high heavens!) She'd come over and before we could settle into our method of study hall madness, we'd make something crazy wonderful to eat and while doing exactly that, we'd 'dance' our way through a complicated maze of issues by playfully mocking every single item on her "this is bugging the shit out of me" list, before we could settle down and get to the business at hand (our studies).

It's not everyday that someone like that walks into your life and you bond instantaneously, like Brynn and I did. My boys fell in love with her because she totally got who I was and both my boys fought over her for her affection. I often said to her that my oldest son was the man she needed in her life. The "pepper" to her "salt."

Indeed.

*I'm gonna tie you down to the railroad tracks* (I said exactly that to her once!)



Thank you for evoking sweet memories of the dear young friend I haven't seen in a while.
And thank you for being who you are, HoneyBarbara.
I find candid, authentic, human communication refreshingly beautiful.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Hahahaha!

Yes. that. She sounds fun and open and honest.

I was talking to the head admin at school today. I just had my scholastic interview and was accepted into the school. She said "I was in the UK for two years then in spain for 9."
"oh really!! when did you get back?"
"five months ago."
"wow, so we're in the same boat but yer down the beach aways. How's the weather along there? How are you finding it."
"the thing that bugs me the most? Everyone is so sensitive. you have to verbally walk on egg shells all the time. You can't piss about. You have to be so serious in comparision."

I get what she means. But I had to be on eggs shells in england about being "too friendly" or people would think I was mental. I find I can follow leads for - yes a slightly more gentle piss taking - but most people here like being teased if they can read your body language. But not in a professional manner, which is probably what she was talking about. No piss taking at work, which sucks.

I'm glad you are hosing your brain down with some good memories. I love that!

[NJFemmie]

I think it depends on what I'm angry about or who I am angry with.

I used to blow up and unleash hell, but for the most part, I "try" to remain quiet and calm down first. I've learned from past experiences that the exchange of angry words only causes more problems, confusion and misunderstandings - so I try to breathe, think about things as objectively as I possibly can and engage in rational conversation.

That's what would happen in a perfect world.

My world is not always perfect.

(Thankfully, I haven't been angry in a while....)

[Kätzchen]

Yes, about Brynn being an embracable personality in that she was open and honest - to a fault, almost. Our friendship, in its active state, spanned over 7 years and during those years, early on, we both found out how closely our lives paralled each others: In that, both of us grew up in highly dysfunctional households where marriages between our parents finally imploded under the persistent fire of socially expected rules on how to conduct oneself or control ones' family or any number of social expectations which eventally exacted its toll in the form in a fiery meltdown - the cost of upholding socially held norms.

And that was the thing, a gift is how I think of it. We didn't live in fear of not being ourselves. It seemed as though we could talk about anything and as if by second nature, we could flex our style of communication in whatever form of coping style possible and still hold each other in high esteem because each of us intrinsically knew each other's limit, each other's boundary, and be able to test (I guess one could say) each other's ability to adapt or adopt a particular method that helped either of us to give attention to perplexities or complicated issues, so we could find a particular peace.

That's so nice to hear that you were accepted into school.
Hopefully your school admin won't be too far down the beach.
It sounds like the two of you might share a kindred spirit with each other!

[cinderella]

I scream a lot.

[Talon]

I withdraw and disappear.

I don't like to say things that are completely fueled by emotion...So, I take as much time as is needed, to think about what I really think, and what I truly feel.

[Sarafemme]

I have a really hard time dealing with my own anger. For years, I've been "too nice" and when I get mad at someone, I usually end up crying and then withdrawing. That all changed the summer before last.

Just to clarify: I am married (to a man) and have been for the past seven years. I finally admitted my longstanding feelings for women (to myself) a couple of months ago (I had fallen into an emotional affair with an online friend of mine; we had never met in person but my feelings were so strong and it echoed many crushes I had had on various women for years. She hadn't returned the feelings, but had called me out on the crush and basically helped me admit my bisexuality). My marriage is troubled for other reasons, though (though this is certainly a big enough reason in and of itself).

Anyway, the summer of 2011, my husband and I were on an island in a vacation home with 17 other members of his immediate family for one week's time. Everyone generally gets along, but I've always felt like an outsider (they are all Catholic and 'traditional family' types).

So, on this vacation, I was sitting with my laptop in the family room; my husband's dad was napping on the couch. All of a sudden, he awakens from his nap and stares at me as though I am an alien from another planet. I have always had weird vibes from him; like he doesn't like me or disapproves of me in some way. Little did I know just how much. So, he says, "Sara, this might not be any of my business, but have you been having sex with my son?"

I was shocked and didn't know how to respond, but after awhile, I choked out, 'Yes, of course!' (in actuality, it had taken four years for us to consumate our marriage due to my sexual anxiety and his selfishness and temper issues, but I wasn't going to admit that to my father-in-law). Anyway, he said, "Well, you talked about maybe trying for a baby 3-4 years ago; it's been a long time and still no baby. My son is very disappointed and sad and upset; he's depressed and doesn't know what to do. You are a disappointment to him."

Then he stormed out of the room.

I sat there in shock before taking my computer upstairs and promptly bawling my eyes out. I stayed up there for hours. Thankfully, I had a good online friend that I was able to talk to the whole time, which helped immeasurably. My husband finally came upstairs to find me and to ask what was wrong. When I told him what had happened between his dad and me, he was shocked and said he had never said anything to his father about our problems, and that he would go downstairs and confront him. So, he did, and was gone for at least 2 hours. When he came back upstairs to find me, he said, "Do you want to leave me?" (I told him I certainly felt like it, but we were on an island and none of the ferries were leaving at that time of night). Then he said, "My dad says he's sorry; he's actually crying and feels awful; so, can you forgive him?'

That got my blood boiling. As if it was as simple a matter as "sorry" and "I forgive you". I told him that his dad would have to say it to my face, and further, there would be no guarantee I would forgive him then or ever, though perhaps with time I could. This upset my husband: 'He said he was sorry; what else do you want from him!' He then defended himself, saying all he had told his father about us was, 'My wife and I are having issues' and that his father had somehow guessed what those issues were. He said, "My father doesn't speak for me."

The next morning, I refused to join them for breakfast, and so my husband's mother came upstairs to try and smooth things over. She apologized for her husband's behavior and said he'd had too much to drink the previous night and didn't mean what he'd said. She said that, "My son loves you; we all love you" I told him, "If your son loves me, he certainly has a questionable way of showing it!' At this point, I was still crying a little, but I was able to state my case with true anger rather than passivity, probably for the first time. Thankfully, this marked the final day of the vacation. As we were leaving, my father-in-law, looking ashamed, came up to the car and said, "I'm sorry, Sara; I hope we can work through this." I just nodded as we left; it was a long 7-hour drive home. My husband barely said two words to me.

Now, our relationship is civil but that's it. I still have a feeling he doesn't approve of me. My husband and I are in marriage counseling for issues beyond just this (my questions about my sexuality have not come up; I'm still keeping this to myself, and to this forum). My husband is working on his temper issues, but gets upset if I raise my voice even a little "Don't yell at me!' he whines like a child. This just goes to show for how long I've kept my unpleasant feelings at bay. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to be more authentic to my feelings, good or bad.