Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Girl_On_Fire]

For the past year I've struggled to come to terms with the verbally abusive and toxic relationship I had with my ex. I know it will take a long time to fully heal from the damage. I also know I'm not alone. Millions of people have been in verbally, physically, and sexually abusive relationships. In some cases, all three.

I'd like to start a thread discussing the potential warning signs of abusive relationships, which may help those who might be unknowingly entering into one think twice about getting further involved. Also, for those who have difficulty recognizing them often and follow a harmful pattern. (I definitely fall into this category).

For those of you who have been in abusive relationships and feel comfortable sharing:

• What were your first warning signs that something was wrong?
• Were there actions or behaviors that you may have missed or dismissed at first only to later realize were big red flags?
• Do you have any advice you'd like to give to others so they they too, don't go through what you've been through?

Education is very important and how many of us have come from families where we were treated less-than-lovingly and therefore weren't quite aware how we were supposed to be treated in relationships as an adult?

This is our thread. Survivors-turned-educators unite!

[cinnamongrrl]

You're certainly not alone.... <3

It takes a lot of strength to leave even a bad situation....

I will likely post here at a time when I can better collect my thoughts on the matter...

[Sweet Bliss]

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

Wow.

Just wow.

Okay, Bliss. When IS it appropriate to talk about abuse and how to potentially avoid and/or get out of it?

Support is support and I'm sure, even during the holidays and probably moreso with the stress placed on people, that abuse occurs.

Maybe I'm missing something, but this feels excessively judgemental.

[TruTexan]

Thanks Gem, for reading my mind and posting what I was thinking .

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

You know what? This has got to be at least the third thread of mine where you have tried to tell me what to write or what to talk about. You even had the nerve to send me a private message once telling me you didn't like my topic and what I should write about instead. I believe your suggestion was, "Best pick-up lines"?

I ignored you because I couldn't believe any member would have the nerve to actually PM another member to tell them what to write. You are not a moderator. I don't know you. I have no idea what you problem is with me but get over it. If something I've written is offensive or in violation of the TOS on this board, a moderator will tell me, not you.

I know I don't technically have the right to tell you not to post anything on my threads anymore but I really wish you wouldn't. This thread was not about you or your feelings on appropriate or inappropriate topics.

I wasn't thinking about "the Holidays" when I wrote this. Do you honestly think I wrote about my own personal pain and opened up like that so somebody I don't even know can tell me it's inappropriate timing!? This isn't a Holiday board! If all you can handle is Fun/Fluff topics than stick to those threads and leave my serious ones alone. I don't want to hear it from you anymore.

*steps off soapbox*

Now, for everyone else who wants to have a serious, honest discussion about this, please feel free to share. This thread is for support and open communication. Understanding the red flags of abuse is incredibly important. It could save a life. This goes doubly in a community that often overlooks domestic abuse among same-sex couples.

[MissItalianDiva]

Does abuse stop on holidays? Is it exempt from occurring in Dec...Guess I do actually learn something new everyday

[nycfem]

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

[Gemme]

Okay.

This fell apart pretty quickly.

The moderators are in place for a reason. Anyone that has issues with anyone can go to them. For moderation. Because they are moderators. It's kinda their thing.



How about we pretend not to see the personal stuff and move on with a topic that's relevant and worthwhile?

[JAGG]

Anger management issues should be a red flag. Getting inappropriately angered over a minor situation, and or not being able to wait for a proper time to discuss things. Lashing out in a public manner would be a huge red flag to me. They don't seem to care that God and everyone with in a 20 mile raduis knows they are angry. They take their anger out by doing things like drive way too fast and cut people off. There is a time and place for everything, if they can't wait for the proper time and place that should be a red flag.
They have intitlement issues. If they are wronged in some way they want to even the score. They are vengeful. Even in small matters. Someone doesn't take off fast enough when a red light turns green so they fly around them and then slam on their brakes when they get in front of that person just to "teach them a lesson".

The way they treat strangers and the way they treat anyone, is eventually the way they will treat you.
How many close friends do they have? How many long term friends do they have? If the answer is none or very few you have to ask yourself why is that?
If they are not close with their family on top of having little to no friends you have to wonder why. Now I know some families really suck and are disfunctional beyond repair, but you can't over look the fact that they have no contact with family and very few friends.
If they are what is called a job hopper. Can't keep a job for very long . Has been fired a lot from jobs. You have to wonder why. It can't always be everyone elses fault.
They try to keep you away from your friends and family. Or come up with reasons why they don't like this friend or that friend and don't you to be around them. You are both adults and as an adult you have to learn to get along with others . The better you can get along with people even ones that irritate you, the more successful you will be in life. As adults we don't cut people out of our lives because someone decided they don't want you around someone.You end a friendship or severe ties with a loved one because you decided that person is not good for you someone else doesn't get to decide that. And you picked these friends long before they came along they don't have the right to decide who gets to be your friend and who doesn't. But you have the right to decide that they need to pick a new girlfriend.
If someone makes a statement like, I am not relationship material, or you don't want to be in a relationship with me, I'm too this or too that. Believe them !!! And run right then!!! DO NOT ASK WHY and don't think you want to prove them wrong by trying. JUST RUN !!! Trust the universe did you a favor and count your blessing every step you take in the opposite direction.

Okay I hope that helped a little . I am sure I will think of more and post again later. I am not an expert by any stretch and I have never been in an abusive relationship, I have been blessed to have had many wonderful femmes in my life, a few bad apples too but never abusive. But I have seen many friends of mine, go through things, so these are a few mental notes I have taken through the years.

[Gráinne]

Thankfully, I have not had an abusive relationship since I came out, and only one with a man that could be called abusive. That said, I second all of JAGG's post, and won't reinvent the wheel. I also add these:

*I wish I'd paid attention to drinking behavior very early in the relationship. I'm not calling all drinking a harbringer of abuse. I am saying that someone whose personality changes drastically, who becomes angry when drinking, or whose free time revolves around drinking or partying may be showing signs of alcoholism at the least, and may be abusive when drunk.

*It's OK to admire someone. But don't do as I did and put someone on a pedestal and make that person a font of wisdom to straighten out your life. A non-abusive person will get back down and will demand a relationship of equals. An abusive person, however, will "know what is best for you" and you will end up with no voice and no right (in their eyes) to question them. That's a very powerless feeling.

*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true, or who is always there with a shoulder to lean on, but if you tell them you don't like them as a partner but only as a friend, watch out! You'll be called a bitch, or worse. I've had this happen with men, but I'm pretty sure a variation happens in B-F relationships.

Advice is really hard to give, as there are so many individual stories. I'd say trust your gut and your "little voice". If it feels wrong, back away.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

For those of you who have been in abusive relationships and feel comfortable sharing:

• What were your first warning signs that something was wrong?
• Were there actions or behaviors that you may have missed or dismissed at first only to later realize were big red flags?
• Do you have any advice you'd like to give to others so they they too, don't go through what you've been through?

Education is very important and how many of us have come from families where we were treated less-than-lovingly and therefore weren't quite aware how we were supposed to be treated in relationships as an adult?

This is our thread. Survivors-turned-educators unite!

Okay, so I'm not going to go down the rabbit hole regarding exes. Bliss has a point there. No fingers should be pointed at anyone, only taking a good, hard look at oneself and how to make one's relationships healthier.

First warning signs?

Twisting gut, uneasiness. Tingling Spidey sense.

Red flags?

Controlling behavior, frequently changing mood swings, unnecessary suspicion and jealousy. Blaming others for one's own actions, choices and decisions.

Advice?

Sure. But it would be tailored to their specific circumstances if I were privy to them.

[Teddybear]

Please KNOW that isnt always the femme that is abused sometimes it is the butch or ftm who is being abused

just like it isnt always women being abused by men

take gender or gender identity out of it

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes just cause YOU think they look like the girl/boy next door doesnt mean they R

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Please KNOW that isnt always the femme that is abused sometimes it is the butch or ftm who is being abused

Thanks for making this point.

I agree with a lot of what's been said .....
* Isolation from friends and family
* angry outbursts out of the blue
* the silent treatment for no reason
* putting their behavior on you such as accusing you of lying when there's no grounds for it
* not communicating which is vital for any healthy relationship

I've learned to listen to that little gut instinct because it's always right. I also agree that it's a valid thread especially this time of year. Lots of people are stressed and/or depressed this time of year and take it out on the ones closest to them.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

A good point. An emotional abuser can turn things around and make you believe it's YOU that's the problem. Some are very good at it

[Nic]

Originally Posted by Jar

Thanks for making this point.

I agree with a lot of what's been said .....
* Isolation from friends and family
* angry outbursts out of the blue
* the silent treatment for no reason
* putting their behavior on you such as accusing you of lying when there's no grounds for it
* not communicating which is vital for any healthy relationship

I've learned to listen to that little gut instinct because it's always right. I also agree that it's a valid thread especially this time of year. Lots of people are stressed and/or depressed this time of year and take it out on the ones closest to them.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

A good point. An emotional abuser can turn things around and make you believe it's YOU that's the problem. Some are very good at it

Well said.

My girl's therapist gave me a website to check out in order to read more about the experiences of other people. Some of the stuff is pretty hard to take. Had to tackle it in small sessions.

www.lovefraud.com

[Bard]

emotional abuse comes in a lot of forms I guess I did not see it at first possibly because of my growing up and not being wanted or as I thought loved (by my mother ). I stayed in a relationship that was emotionally abusive for 12 years and did not see it at first perhaps I thought I deserved it and in a way it was subtle. but there were signs like I would never show her my writing because she would pick it apart laugh. one year I was away overseas with the military during Thanksgiving and I called home and emailed I got fussed at for calling to early and told to make sure I used punctuational and watch my spelling. a big turning point was at her baby shower that I threw for her a co worker of mine came my Corporal and after she was worried enough about me to go to our Sgt because of the way she treated me an talked to me the CPL was worried I was in a emotional abusive relationship. the thing for me was I did not want to be alone so I took it my self worth was not there and there was a child our daughter and she could take her from me. MY EX is not a bad person and she is not on the site she would be belittling of us here her self worth is damaged to from how she grew up. it is a cycle .. that I will not allow to be passed to our daughter.. I grew from this and with the help and love from a lot of people here in this space I realized that I am worthy that I don't need to change to be loved and then I met desd and I was trying to be anything just me and she loves me all of me flaws everything

[Teddybear]

This thread as really made my brain hurt but not in a really bad way. Im am now able to see what when and by whom. I wont ignore the signs again.

Most ppl who get into abusive relationship had their 1st abuser as a child someone who was suppose to love, and PROTECT them. My first abuser was my father hell he still tries and in some ways is still doing it.

Im sure if he had been there when I was born I may not be here today. That is a truth I feel and Im thankful that I am here today and God willing will be here for some time to come.

I have been in several abusive relationship however each and everyone of them was different in some form.

One was dealing with mental illness and she really tried NOT to put it on to others however things happened. I learned to read her and tell when she wasnt holding together well. She refused to get help at the time. I finally had to go.

Im still processing the others. I have had to take a long hard look at ME. I have had to change things about ME.

An abuser KNOWS what to look for in their victims. They are professionals at it. They know how to portray this innocence that draws us in, makes us believe they arent who they truly are.

I am NOT saying we are at fault for being abused. I AM saying that some how each of us has just what they are looking for. They can find us in a crowd even after we have worked so hard not to be seen. Thankfully over time each of us finds US that deserves to be treated as we treat others.

I dont know the statics on butches who are abused however I know that men, whether bio or FtM, report less abuse then women. Mostly due to shame that is surrounding it. Most of the time it isnt even found out about till AFTER they have been killed by their partner. Most men and unfortunately believe that if they were to bring charges against the woman for being the abuser that no one would BELIEVE them.

I know that I have a lot of work left to do and I AM doing it. I know im worth more then I have ever been told by these ppl and one day I hope that I am able to have the healthy relationship that I WANT and DESERVE. I hope and pray this for every single person who is or has yet to be abused.

I know for me standing up, not letting ANYONE tell me what I can or cant do regarding my life is what I need to do to keep me safe.

There are resources out there. I have to say they are geared more towards women and really geared toward those with kids. Use them!!

I have had great friends thru the years that have helped me get out of these situations and I'm so thankful for that.

Ok stepping off my soap box

[Miss Scarlett]

As we all know, abuse isn’t always physical; it has many forms but is always about power and control.

Anyone can be the victim of abuse, whether it is in a romantic/dating relationship, in their family, at work, at school, or even in a friendship. I’ve been in at least one of the above and there are others here on the site who can say the same thing.

Discussion of the warning signs is important for those who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship. But it’s also important for their friends and families because being in such a situation often makes one entrenched to the point of blindness/acceptance.

People who are on the outside looking in, who have never been there themselves, often ask “If it’s so bad why you stay?” They tell us “Just leave.” Well meaning advice but easier said than done.

So why do we stay? It’s complicated. Some reasons: financial and/or physical obstacles; emotional fragility; neediness; desperation; denial; shame; guilt; fear of being alone; threats of physical harm to you, themselves, children, other family members, friends or pets and the fear they will be carried out; threats of “blackmail” – telling friends, family, employers certain things about you; destruction of your self-esteem; wishful thinking that it will get better or they didn’t mean it/couldn’t help it/not their fault/it must be me; and “Stockholm Syndrome” – the emotional bonding with an abuser.

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end. There is fear of being perceived as a failure – unable to have or stay in a relationship.

Children – in my job many people I encounter stay in these relationships because of the children.

Finances; especially when the abuser controls the money.

Sex can play a big role. Shattered self-esteem can convince you that no one else wants you but this person does. Or they can use it as a weapon, threatening to tell others about your sex life.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

Isolation from family and friends; abusers want you all to themselves. Remember, this is about power and control. Any positive, supportive outside influence is a threat to them. They will do everything possible to preserve this including having you break off communication with family and friends by convincing you that these people must be avoided because they are out to destroy your relationship. This helps to reinforce the idea that we will be unable to "survive" outside the relationship.

These aren’t the only reasons we stay but I feel they are the most common.

Speaking from personal experience, you cannot leave an abusive/controlling relationship until you are ready. You leave when you feel you are strong enough to leave and not return or you have had that “Aha moment.”

[fatallyblonde]

an abusive relationship is the reason I've stayed away from the scene the last couple of years... I was really fucked up after it and needed a long time to heal.

The person I was with was an FTM guy who moved around and changed his name a lot... as we learned later because he left a trail of destruction in his wake...

I don't want to go too much into the really personal stuff but here's some advice:

Watch out for anyone who idolises you and puts you on a pedastal! Abusive people often do this to their targets... it's because they don't really see you as human, just a projection of their fantasy... so yeah they'll treat you like a queen at first but watch out when they actually comprehend that you are just a fallible human because then they will blame YOU for "deceiving" them and that's when the physical/verbal abuse will begin... although they will have been grooming you with their idolisation into a vulnerable state!

Look out for people who have shady backgrounds, move around a lot and change their name a lot... what are they running from...


Unfortunately statistics say that people who have been abused/assaulted are more likely to experience it again... I don't know why that it is... but I just want to remind survivors that it is never your fault... abusers are tricky, wily people who practice their techniques to manipulate and deceive you... you are not "stupid" if you find yourself in another abusive relationship after leaving one... even if you know what to look for, abusers are cunning and find ways around it... that's their whole thing... deception and manipulation... it is never your fault... you are never stupid or dumb or silly or weak or foolish... it is always the abuser's fault for making the choice to abuse...

[TruTexan]

I think that Emotional Manipulation is another form of abuse.
Have any of you ever dealt with this type of Manipulation before?