Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[~ocean]

~ listen to warnings from friends or others who know them ~ watch for the patterns of their alter ego's ~ their negativity towards you and anyone who gets close to you ~ lies, lies, and more lies. acts of violence when no one is looking ~ making up storys on who they really are in a social enviorment ~ you start making excuses to family and friends cause you loved them ~ biggest mistake u can make ,believing the storys when u question what tou have been hearing ~ when you approach the situation, you become their enemy ~ reversal of guilt is a very scarey situation you have put yourself in ~ esp. when they don't take responsibility for their own actions ~ you begin to realize there has been no truth to anything you have shared with this person ~ its not just abuse anymore , now you are dealing with someone who needs professional help ~ don't go it alone ~ don't hide and stay quiet cause they don't approve ~ let it all out ~ RUN to your friends and family ~ don't leave yourself in a vulnerable situation with that person again ~ remember its their problem not you ~ theres nothing wrong with you ~ and you can't fix them ~ all the love and devotion will not fix their problem ~ don't become their enabler, no matter if its drug ,alcohol, financial, or availability to abuse u further ~ turn to someone, they already know ~

[Sweet Bliss]

The books available on your topic of reverting to childhood coping skills that might help your/ our understanding are the ones by Alice Miller especially "The body never lies", or "For your own good".


Brace yourself before reading.

John Bradshaw has wonderful explanations in his books. When he was on PBS talking about his studies into the human experience he talked about pediphiles and what characteristics they looked for in children when hunting new victims.

Many said " the most obedient child"...... I awoke 14 hours after hearing that statement, face down on the floor. You see, I have no conscious memory of my childhood. Perhaps only my body remembers. I have not yet been brave enough to find out.

"The Body Remembers " by Babette Rothschild is I believe a book about how to heal. I have not read it yet. It does have plenty of good reviews.

Look into "Somatics".

[TruTexan]

I have to remind myself that my gut will always tell me the truth, it will NEVER lie to me. I wish I had listened in the past, I could have avoided a lot of what I have gone t through. When your gut is talking to you, Please Please listen to it, always.
I am going to try and make a list of things I needed to head warning to from the past, so not to discount them in the future. I think this will help to keep things fresh in my mind and help me to see those red flags I've missed before. Hmm, something to discuss with my therapist.

One particular thing that stands out tonight in my head is the fact that I didn't pay closer attention to someone that did a lot of REFLECTION towards me. That is when someone blames YOU for their own problems and behaviors. Very similar to Gaslighting.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think a really strong sign of a potentially-abusive relationship is one party wanting to move much faster than the other. It's almost as though they're trying to sell a piece of limited-edition jewelry. "Act now or soon everything will be sold out!"

Soon after meeting they tell you they're in love with you, you're their soul mate, they've had many past lives with you and can remember them in detail, they've dreamed of you for years, etc. They practically trip over themselves to worship at your feet and it becomes overwhelming. They want to move the relationship along quickly and when you question this fact amid the dizziness of the affair, their negative reaction toward the perceived rejection is almost as strong as their proposed "love" for you.

I'm not saying that love at first sight can't happen but when one partner pushes to move in together, start a family, share finances, etc. and they refuse to take the concern that their partner may not yet be ready for this type of commitment into consideration, it might be a red flag.

Another one, and I've seen this one a few times in my own personal life and in the life of others, is escalating the above with claims of disease, financial hardship, and unsafe environment. If you don't come to them, move in with them, let them move in with you, send them money or help them out in some way, they act as though something terrible will befall them. If this happens, it's important to take a step back and ask yourself, 'What did they do before me?' 'How did they make it?'

Everybody experiences disease and hardship but if you're just starting a relationship with them, why are they dumping that all on you and expecting you to rescue them?

[TruTexan]

Well, I have a new therapist and I see her the day after Christmas. Working on those red flags and patterns is going to very interesting, along with working on Myself and all that stuff that goes with having a Broken Picker. I'm glad I have a new therapist to work with, I just hope she is accepting of someone that is lesbian and talks about my past relationships being abusive, gaslighted, etc. etc etc. It's going to be a whole new ballgame to fix my broken picker.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Well, I have a new therapist and I see her the day after Christmas. Working on those red flags and patterns is going to very interesting, along with working on Myself and all that stuff that goes with having a Broken Picker. I'm glad I have a new therapist to work with, I just hope she is accepting of someone that is lesbian and talks about my past relationships being abusive, gaslighted, etc. etc etc. It's going to be a whole new ballgame to fix my broken picker.

Tex,just take it one small step at the time,one thing for sure there will be thing pop up that will surprise you.

[StrongButch]

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

[Bad_boi]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

Sometimes it is hard to walk away. If only it were that simple.

In my case I didn't understand that I was being verbally/mentally abused. I had always thought abuse was physical and not mental. I was with someone who was very controlling to the point were it was her pushing her OCD on me and getting mad when I didn't do things right and treating me poorly for it.

As for physical violence I have only been slapped once by a girlfriend. I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to but I didn't know what. I should have walked out then and there but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't do anything about it.

Thirdly I would like to point out something I learned recently. All my life when I saw abusive relationships I wondered why the abused didn't just leave or fight back or something. One of my friends pointed out to me that often that isn't an option because abusers can be crazy and try to go after and "punish" the abused for trying to resist. Its a fucked up situation all together.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

SB

I have hoped someone else would have addressed this but since no one did I will. I hope I don't offend anyone.

Not all abusers r motivated by anger. Just like rape ISN'T about sec. Its power over someone else. They thrive in it. Some will build u up one minute just to brutality tear u down the next.

Some set u up. Some have u b responsible for xyz and when u do if they all over u because u did it. Your always in a dammed if u do dammed if u don't situation.

Walking away is SO easy to say. The prey is trapped all they can see is the cage that they have/are in. It takes a lot of COURAGE to break free and do the work on yourself to NIT repeat the cycle.

OK I want to say more but I have to get back to work.

[Bad_boi]

I can see what Strong Butch means and their heart is in the right place.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

Sometimes it is hard to walk away. If only it were that simple.

In my case I didn't understand that I was being verbally/mentally abused. I had always thought abuse was physical and not mental. I was with someone who was very controlling to the point were it was her pushing her OCD on me and getting mad when I didn't do things right and treating me poorly for it.

As for physical violence I have only been slapped once by a girlfriend. I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to but I didn't know what. I should have walked out then and there but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't do anything about it.

Thirdly I would like to point out something I learned recently. All my life when I saw abusive relationships I wondered why the abused didn't just leave or fight back or something. One of my friends pointed out to me that often that isn't an option because abusers can be crazy and try to go after and "punish" the abused for trying to resist. Its a fucked up situation all together.

Originally Posted by Teddybear

SB

I have hoped someone else would have addressed this but since no one did I will. I hope I don't offend anyone.

Not all abusers r motivated by anger. Just like rape ISN'T about sec. Its power over someone else. They thrive in it. Some will build u up one minute just to brutality tear u down the next.

Some set u up. Some have u b responsible for xyz and when u do if they all over u because u did it. Your always in a dammed if u do dammed if u don't situation.

Walking away is SO easy to say. The prey is trapped all they can see is the cage that they have/are in. It takes a lot of COURAGE to break free and do the work on yourself to NIT repeat the cycle.

OK I want to say more but I have to get back to work.

The anger is only part of the cycle of violence. Power and control is also part of the cycle of violence.

Just leave?

If only it were that easy.

I was physically abused by my ex-husband before, during and after my two pregnancies.

Where do you go if you have no family or friends close by? Have babies? I know that I went to the police and they did not arrest him.

Even today, with stricter laws about domestic violence and shelters for women and children-the psychological after-effects make many women (and men) almost paralyzed emotionally. Because I was tied in with him financially and emotionally and because of my children-when the making up and calm stage happened: I wanted to believe-needed to believe; that it would never happen again.

But, of course, it always did.

This cycle below simplifies a very complex pattern of behavior:

"Cycle of Violence

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear."

http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

[Bad_boi]

I think what is truly important is education, awareness and resources for this sort of thing.

Also education for men. We should raise young men to not become abusers and educate them on why this is wrong. On the other side of the same coin we must also educate men on what to do if they become abused. The media shows men getting slapped buy women as funny when in real life it is not okay. Abuse is abuse. No matter if it is verbal or physical. It can have different severity but the bottom line is that it is wrong.

I would like to add this link from the Mayo Clinic about abused males because I feel that it is not often spoken about and this article mentions Gay/Trans in it.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dom...st-men/MY00557

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

I think what is truly important is education, awareness and resources for this sort of thing.

Also education for men. We should raise young men to not become abusers and educate them on why this is wrong. On the other side of the same coin we must also educate men on what to do if they become abused. The media shows men getting slapped buy women as funny when in real life it is not okay. Abuse is abuse. No matter if it is verbal or physical. It can have different severity but the bottom line is that it is wrong.

I would like to add this link from the Mayo Clinic about abused males because I feel that it is not often spoken about and this article mentions Gay/Trans in it.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dom...st-men/MY00557

Bad Boi

I changed the color of this one sentence just cause I want to ask you what you mean by it.

I agree with everything you have said here however is this 1 sentence suppose to imply that abuse towards men identified people is less sever then if it was done to a woman?

I just asking for clarity. I can tell you that the abuse I suffered was just as damming as it would be for a female identified person

[Bad_boi]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Bad Boi

I changed the color of this one sentence just cause I want to ask you what you mean by it.

I agree with everything you have said here however is this 1 sentence suppose to imply that abuse towards men identified people is less sever then if it was done to a woman?

I just asking for clarity. I can tell you that the abuse I suffered was just as damming as it would be for a female identified person

That is what I am getting at. A lot of people dismiss abuse against a male or masculine ID'd person. Men are often told to "suck it up" and "be a man" and all this other negative BS. Abuse is abuse no matter how severe it is or who the victim is. It is all wrong and we should focus our efforts to awareness, education and prevention.

[Kent]

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

That is what I am getting at. A lot of people dismiss abuse against a male or masculine ID'd person. Men are often told to "suck it up" and "be a man" and all this other negative BS. Abuse is abuse no matter how severe it is or who the victim is. It is all wrong and we should focus our efforts to awareness, education and prevention.

Well said, Bad_boi.

[Stronghealer]

https://www.google.com/search?q=mana...sm=93&ie=UTF-8

If you have grown up in an abusive household
If you have been a victim of abusive
If you are violent ( violence is not only physical)

Please click on the link at the top of this post.
Mr. Hamish Sinclair, has not only helped men in prison : he helps women, adolescents,queers,the kink/bdsm community, survivors,and the list goes on.
Manalive has been called : humanalive, womenalive,and queeralive...( thers also a new programs at the famous Glide Memorial Church in SF :

http://www.glide.org/page.aspx?pid=392

If you are interested in the Step 1 manual, I will send you the pdf file-contact me here.

.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Stronghealer

https://www.google.com/search?q=mana...sm=93&ie=UTF-8

If you have grown up in an abusive household
If you have been a victim of abusive
If you are violent ( violence is not only physical)

Please click on the link at the top of this post.
Mr. Hamish Sinclair, has not only helped men in prison : he helps women, adolescents,queers,the kink/bdsm community, survivors,and the list goes on.
Manalive has been called : humanalive, womenalive,and queeralive...( thers also a new programs at the famous Glide Memorial Church in SF :

http://www.glide.org/page.aspx?pid=392

If you are interested in the Step 1 manual, I will send you the pdf file-contact me here.

.

Abuse is a critically important subject but there is no need for such large font.

It is shouting at us, not talking.

[Stronghealer]

Anya,

I am sorry my use of large font made you feel that way.
My experience of using large font was to emphasize the importance of a subject I am passionate about.-Strong

.

[fatallyblonde]

an abusive relationship is the reason I've stayed away from the scene the last couple of years... I was really fucked up after it and needed a long time to heal.

The person I was with was an FTM guy who moved around and changed his name a lot... as we learned later because he left a trail of destruction in his wake...

I don't want to go too much into the really personal stuff but here's some advice:

Watch out for anyone who idolises you and puts you on a pedastal! Abusive people often do this to their targets... it's because they don't really see you as human, just a projection of their fantasy... so yeah they'll treat you like a queen at first but watch out when they actually comprehend that you are just a fallible human because then they will blame YOU for "deceiving" them and that's when the physical/verbal abuse will begin... although they will have been grooming you with their idolisation into a vulnerable state!

Look out for people who have shady backgrounds, move around a lot and change their name a lot... what are they running from...


Unfortunately statistics say that people who have been abused/assaulted are more likely to experience it again... I don't know why that it is... but I just want to remind survivors that it is never your fault... abusers are tricky, wily people who practice their techniques to manipulate and deceive you... you are not "stupid" if you find yourself in another abusive relationship after leaving one... even if you know what to look for, abusers are cunning and find ways around it... that's their whole thing... deception and manipulation... it is never your fault... you are never stupid or dumb or silly or weak or foolish... it is always the abuser's fault for making the choice to abuse...

[TruTexan]

I think that Emotional Manipulation is another form of abuse.
Have any of you ever dealt with this type of Manipulation before?