Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Nic]

Originally Posted by Nic

Been doing a lot of self education recently. Can't tell you how many times I've heard this in the last few months. Every group of survivors I meet has had to do battle with an ex who spouted the "She/he done me wrong" and "I was so misunderstood" story. There are a lot of people who tell that story but they seem to fall into a couple of predictable categories: folks who are really wounded and can't seem to move on from that pain and folks who need you to see them as worthy of sympathy in order to gain access to you.

I'm in no way blaming people for being victims of emotional or physical violence but there's another distinction that needs to be made here. A couple of others have touched on it. Just want to suss it out a bit more and say that one of the things that strikes me as insidious in the abuse/abuser/onlooker triangle is the expectation (by onlookers) that abuse victims never engage in any passive aggressive or manipulative behavior in order to be deserving of support from outside the abusive relationship. That holier than thou POV penalizes the abused person and generally works to the abuser's advantage. It's as if the victims are required to show twice as much restraint or have double the healthy, emotional outlook when compared to their abuser or anyone else for that matter. Example: it's not uncommon for folks who are being or have been abused to be passive aggressive or manipulative because they have no relationship with having their needs met any other way. Constantly being belittled and shamed somehow will make a person stop (or never start) asking for what they need in a straightforward way. If you're taught that your voice doesn't matter or your needs don't mean anything you're eventually going stop walking the healthy line from A to B and use more circuitous route to get your needs seen to. Inevitably an onlooker sees that behavior and wrongly attributes negative intention to it rather than labeling it the survival behavior that it is. Suddenly it's the abused person who's the "bad" one in the relationship and the abuser starts to benefit from that opinion, even counts on it to reinforce the idea that they're working hard and just trying their best to keep things together under the "burden" of their victim's passive aggressive behavior. You see evidence that it works in the sympathy they gain from friends and family members. Even more powerful than what they gain from others is the way they can use the victim's survivor dysfunction against them to further undermine that person's self esteem and create more self doubt. The victim gets cast in the "emotionally unstable" role making the abuser the one who's "worthy" of sympathy from onlookers and even from the victim him/herself! Of course the abuser has temper outbursts! Just look at what the poor guy/gal has to deal with! Pretty neat trick.

We participate in reinforcing the facade of abusers if we spend any time shaking our heads at victims who "dare" to choose anything but completely straightforward, healthy, well adjusted, even tempered behavior in order to get their needs met or the work of a relationship done. We add insult to injury by shaking our heads over them when we discover that they didn't leave at the very first sign of abuse. We pretty much demand that they be better than the abuser and, sometimes, better than we are ourselves. Everyone is passive aggressive or manipulative at one time or another. Difference between abusive behavior and survivor behavior is how and why manipulation is used. Tactics that undermine another person's sense of self or self respect falls into the abuse category to me.

Someone asked me for clarification of my statements (in bold and red above). Mockery doesn't translate well to the screen.

I was being sarcastic about abusers who are skilled at misdirection. Onlookers occasionally discover that they felt sympathy for (later revealed) abusers and excused an abusers displays of temper or behavior because the victim in that case displayed emotions that seemed out of context or behavior that was attributed to emotional instability.

Abusers are good at misdirection. This is especially important if they come to the attention of normal thinking folks might. A victim who has the rug pulled out from under him or her often enough may begin to feel unstable and confused and act so when it's no longer possible to keep a lid on so much stress. The abuser in this case has to convince everyone that up is down and left is right. Their ability to keep a victim in a constant state of stress and the onlooker constantly supplied with "reasonable" explanations can often be integral to their facade. If the abused person is unable to rein in emotional upset and feelings of chaos and happens to behave in a way that gets the attention of an onlooker or is uncomfortable to an onlooker the abuser has to be good at misdirection (i.e.:redirecting blame and judgement from themselves onto the abused). Onlookers often find themselves excusing what seems like controlling or red flag behavior on the part of the suspected abuser by saying "Of course he/she is behaving that way. Look at the emotional behavior he/she has to deal with in their partner/child/friend/etc." It's one of the ways abusers maintain or restore their power. They involve onlookers by drawing them into the lie with "reasonable" explanations and sympathy ploys. Onlooker support is one of the best ways to keep an abuse victim off balance. If a reasonable person is convinced to be sympathetic to the "plight" of an abuser whose partner appears emotionally unstable (because of the difficulty of maintaining the appearance of normalcy and the stress of constant anxiety/fear and shifting rules or standards of behavior) the abuse victim is doubly penalized. Not only do they have the abuser to deal with but now the onlooker(s) have been fooled into being sympathetic toward the abuser rather than being people of safety to whom a victim can turn for help.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

Tex.
I fought going to therapy for years,I knew I needed to go but telling someone I don't know about the issues I have just didn't fly,so for years I filed it away somewhere in the back of my mind like it never happened. But it wormed it's way into parts of my life bit by bit till it made me a mess to deal with.Then at a pflag meeting I reconected with an old friend who introduced me to a therapist that over time led me to go to this person for a therapist.we waded through a min field of everything that popped into my mind the good,the bad,the not so bad then the disasters.This helped me in many ways to learn how to deal with life as it is and was along with how I hope for it to become.I still go on an as needed basics .I still have a couple of things I really need to work on but I have been trying not deal with it cause I know the powder keg that will blow when I do,maybe it won't be so big who knows.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

I so know this. I too have been FALSELY accused however I was arrested cause my abuser swore that I did things to her I never did. I was told long ago when someone points one finger at you there are 4 pointed back at them. I have learned to realize just what that means. I take a long hard look at who is pointing and what now.

I have lost time from work, money and self respect for I started to believe the things that my abuser said I was doing. I knew deep down I had never done those things but you know the mind will start to play tricks on you when your constantly told an ALTERNATE story line, that has SOME truth in it.

I used to think that me being kind and loving to them would stop the abuse it didnt. What it did was ramp it up. The more I tried the worse it got.

When I finally said Im done you would have thought I had started a war. No matter how calm I stayed the louder she got. I left and she called and told the police all kinds of things. I have to say the 1 thing she could have really said that would have had me placed under the jail she didnt and Im not about to say what it is.

Daily I have to face Me. I have to look Me in the face and tell myself I am better off ALONE then being with ANYONE who wants to tear me down.

I know that working on me and keeping my truth I will overcome the hold my abusers have had over me. Its a daily struggle one that Im sure isnt about to just up and disappear.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by Nic

Someone asked me for clarification of my statements (in bold and red above). Mockery doesn't translate well to the screen.

I was being sarcastic about abusers who are skilled at misdirection. Onlookers occasionally discover that they felt sympathy for (later revealed) abusers and excused an abusers displays of temper or behavior because the victim in that case displayed emotions that seemed out of context or behavior that was attributed to emotional instability.

Abusers are good at misdirection. This is especially important if they come to the attention of normal thinking folks might. A victim who has the rug pulled out from under him or her often enough may begin to feel unstable and confused and act so when it's no longer possible to keep a lid on so much stress. The abuser in this case has to convince everyone that up is down and left is right. Their ability to keep a victim in a constant state of stress and the onlooker constantly supplied with "reasonable" explanations can often be integral to their facade. If the abused person is unable to rein in emotional upset and feelings of chaos and happens to behave in a way that gets the attention of an onlooker or is uncomfortable to an onlooker the abuser has to be good at misdirection (i.e.:redirecting blame and judgement from themselves onto the abused). Onlookers often find themselves excusing what seems like controlling or red flag behavior on the part of the suspected abuser by saying "Of course he/she is behaving that way. Look at the emotional behavior he/she has to deal with in their partner/child/friend/etc." It's one of the ways abusers maintain or restore their power. They involve onlookers by drawing them into the lie with "reasonable" explanations and sympathy ploys. Onlooker support is one of the best ways to keep an abuse victim off balance. If a reasonable person is convinced to be sympathetic to the "plight" of an abuser whose partner appears emotionally unstable (because of the difficulty of maintaining the appearance of normalcy and the stress of constant anxiety/fear and shifting rules or standards of behavior) the abuse victim is doubly penalized. Not only do they have the abuser to deal with but now the onlooker(s) have been fooled into being sympathetic toward the abuser rather than being people of safety to whom a victim can turn for help.

Thanks for your clarification, I can totally understand now. OMG! I've lived it but didn't know how to put it into words. Thank you so much you have no idea how much this has helped me to feel validated about myself in ways you will never know or some will never understand but YOU got it right on the nail head. Thank you NIC. Please keep posting here.

[Girl_On_Fire]

The term I think some are looking for is "Gaslighting". "Gaslight" is a film that came out in 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman and it features a husband who does little things to his wife over a period of time to try to make her think she is insane. Eventually, after all the stress compounds, she begins to have small public breakdowns throughout the movie, further reinforcing the belief her husband has tried to perpetuate; that his wife is insane. (His entire reasoning for doing this is to get her locked up and inherit her fortune).

Some people just do this for fun. Some because they honestly don't know any better and it's simply a pattern from their childhood. Since that movie, a psychological term came about called 'gaslighting' in which one partner slowly and methodically picks apart at the sanity of another by implanting false information and misdirecting to make the other person questions themselves so much, they doubt their own sanity. This makes one of the partner even more vulnerable and easy to control. When they finally blow up or have a breakdown, the abuser can say, "See, I told you she was nuts." It's the most isolating, horrible, mentally-torturing feeling on earth. I've been through it.

**

I also want to address the "abuser versus victim" topic. I've only once considered myself a victim. I don't anymore. I'm somebody who unfortunately gets into a pattern of abusive relationships. I'm no innocent angel either. However, I can say with complete honesty that I have never in my life gone out of my way to harm somebody in a premeditated fashion. Have I reacted out of anger, fear, frustration or confusion in the moment? Yes. Absolutely. Has my inability read and understand social cues hurt people indirectly without my being aware of it? Yes. Absolutely. And once I figured out what I had been doing, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent several months tracking people down to apologize to them. (Which, unfortunately, got me back together with my ex).

I think there is something to be said about intent. (Yes, it's my favorite word.) An abuser, in my opinion, is someone who clearly knows they are physically or psychologically harming another. Once they find out from their partner that they are being hurtful, they purposefully use that information to continue to hurt their partner. That, in my opinion, is the definition of an abuser.

Someone who has a mental/developmental disorder and has a temper that they have difficulty controlling or difficulty understanding social expectations may display abusive behavior but may not, in fact, be an abuser. Someone who comes from an abusive background and knows no other way to behave may exhibit abusive behavior but may not be an abuser if they had therapy and/or education about more appropriate behavior.

I agree that two people just may be a bad fit for each other. They bring out the worse in each other but when they are with other people, their behavior and conduct would be considered within the norm. Every case is different. There are always grey areas.

[Redsunflower]

This thread has been very sad and difficult for me to read but a very worthwhile conversation to have. I've appreciated everyone's honesty so much, and had a few memories of my own stirred up.

It's also got me thinking about why abuse can be so difficult to identify. There's been a lot written about power and control and certainly, abusers try to take these things from their partners. Hugs to everyone who has experienced this.

I believe that part of the difficulty is that all relationships have an element of power and control in them. We are all entitled to be in charge of our own lives, then when we get close to someone, there needs to be some compromise. You have someone else to consider. Your partner may want you to do things you don't particularly want to, like visiting their relatives at Christmas, for example. You will also have some expectations of them. Where one of you doesn't fulfil expectations, then there will be conflict. And conflict can be scary for anyone.

When an abuser gets going this conflict can arise at any time, about anything, out of something or nothing, and in some ways that's easier to identify. But in the daily stuff of life, it can be more tricky. How does your partner cope with a little disappointment? Do they talk to you about feeling let down? Are you allowed to make amends for that? Do you know you're still cared for? Do they huff for a couple of hours and get over it? Do they stop speaking to you for a couple of days? Do they withhold love, affection, sex? Do they shout at you, try to intimidate you? Hit you? Throw you out of your home? In the midst of conflict it can be hard to keep a level head about what's acceptable or not. And oh so easy to explain away.

I believe we need to trust our instincts and our gut to try and keep ourselves safe. Too much thinking can be detrimental. You may want to ask your partner questions and to try and understand, but how important is that really when you're feeling worthless, bruised, homeless? Does it truly matter why your partner is doing these things when the impact on you is exactly the same? Even if we can't acknowledge abuse, we need to leave if our relationship feels like shit.

I would like to think I know how to keep myself safe but that's not entirely true. I believe we are all at risk of abuse, and that the need to feel loved and cared for is so great that we can often overlook the abuse to get the good bits. This makes me so sad.

I hope we can all manage to make more loving and caring relationships than this.

Rxx

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Snow, I agree that most females have experienced abuse by the traditional definition of the concept at the hands of other people at some point in their lives.

What I was referring to was this:


About 17-45% of lesbians report having been the victim of a least one act of physical violence perpetrated by a lesbian partner (1,5,6,13). Types of physical abuse named by more than 10% of participants in one study included:

Disrupting other’s eating or sleeping habits

Pushing or shoving, driving recklessly to punish, and slapping, kicking, hitting, or biting (11).

Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).

Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).


These are stats for lesbian-lesbian relationships. Not for women in general. At least one incident of psychological abuse in a relationship by 24-90% of lesbians? Sexual abuse 50% of the time?

This is when I feel like I am living in a parallel universe.

It doesn't read like sexual abuse occurs up to 50% of the time to me. It reads that sexual abuse occurred in UP TO 50% of the cases that sexual abuse from a woman partner was documented. We all know that of the cases that are documented, there are far more that are not. Of the documented cases, there could easily be documented incidents up to half of the reported cases. That doesn't mean that it happened 50% of the time. It would only have to happen at least once in up to 50% of the cases documented.

I haven't gone back so forgive me if I didn't see this but was there a clear and definitive definition of sexual abuse for these stats? Was it including only times when a physical assault actually occurred or does it include times that threats of assault were made but perhaps no definitive, physical assault occurred? Did it include sexual harrassment as sexual abuse? Does it include the fucked up mind games that people often play with one another?

I had a friend in high school who was physically assaulted in a very specific and graphic way. After that happened once, just the threat of that happening again created the same reaction as did the initial assault, so even though.....say the tenth time it happened (the threat), she was not physically touched but the threat of it happening again was very much a possibility.....does that still count as sexual abuse? Is it strictly psychological abuse at that point? For me, I see the various forms of abuse like links on a chain. They are connected and it's difficult to suffer one without another.

As for the psychological abuse stat, I fully believe it. Again, it's all about the definition for me. What you may consider fine or just rude behavior, I might consider abusive behavior. We all view from our individual perspectives and unless there's a straightforward definition of what is being measured, then we're going to have that gray area.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

Some people just do this for fun. Some because they honestly don't know any better and it's simply a pattern from their childhood. Since that movie, a psychological term came about called 'gaslighting' in which one partner slowly and methodically picks apart at the sanity of another by implanting false information and misdirecting to make the other person questions themselves so much, they doubt their own sanity. This makes one of the partner even more vulnerable and easy to control. When they finally blow up or have a breakdown, the abuser can say, "See, I told you she was nuts." It's the most isolating, horrible, mentally-torturing feeling on earth. I've been through it.

I want to address the issues you brought up but I want to do it separately.

Gaslighting is something that is a slow and methodically way to abuse someone. It takes someone who is really dark to put another on this path. I have followed some down that rabbit hole. It HELL to crawl back out and if and when your able to your NOT the person you were before. Its easy to follow the person you love down this path. It isnt like so outrageous that you can spot it a mile away.

It starts off very slowly and deliberate. They test the waters. It could be something as little as moving your keys from where you usually put them at the end of the day to asking where something is that was never there to start with. By time your so deep into it you dont know if your living in reality or in a dream world.

I used to set up little test for myself and didnt tell anyone but I wrote them down so I could check to make sure or I would take pictures with my camera. It was a way for me to know where to find what I was looking for in the am. I found out in short order that I wasnt "losing" my thing they were being moved on purpose. Im surprised that it took me months to finally say enough is enough.

By time I had left these relationships I knew that I had been played but couldnt figure out WHY? Im still asking myself that and I think I may for a long time to come.

I know that some ppl love to do this to others I just cant figure out why and where they really get the "balls" to do it.

Im sure there are others that will comment on this also and I look forward to reading them

[Nic]

Damn. Used to love that movie. Can't really look at it the same way now. What a shitty thing to do to someone.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I also want to address the "abuser versus victim" topic. I've only once considered myself a victim. I don't anymore. I'm somebody who unfortunately gets into a pattern of abusive relationships. I'm no innocent angel either.

I was a VICTIM to my father and to the others I was PREY.

The abusers HUNT us. They set their sights on us and trap us. I like others i think use the word victim cause it is acceptable and it is how people outside looking in see us.

I have or I am working on taking that target OFF of me. It isnt an easy road by no means but its one Im traveling.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I'm no innocent angel either. However, I can say with complete honesty that I have never in my life gone out of my way to harm somebody in a premeditated fashion. Have I reacted out of anger, fear, frustration or confusion in the moment? Yes. Absolutely. Has my inability read and understand social cues hurt people indirectly without my being aware of it? Yes. Absolutely. And once I figured out what I had been doing, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent several months tracking people down to apologize to them. (Which, unfortunately, got me back together with my ex).

I think there is something to be said about intent. (Yes, it's my favorite word.) An abuser, in my opinion, is someone who clearly knows they are physically or psychologically harming another. Once they find out from their partner that they are being hurtful, they purposefully use that information to continue to hurt their partner. That, in my opinion, is the definition of an abuser.

Someone who has a mental/developmental disorder and has a temper that they have difficulty controlling or difficulty understanding social expectations may display abusive behavior but may not, in fact, be an abuser. Someone who comes from an abusive background and knows no other way to behave may exhibit abusive behavior but may not be an abuser if they had therapy and/or education about more appropriate behavior.

I agree that two people just may be a bad fit for each other. They bring out the worse in each other but when they are with other people, their behavior and conduct would be considered within the norm. Every case is different. There are always grey areas.

I too have NEVER set out to hurt anyone intently that doesnt mean that I havent or wont in the future. However I have to say that being human we all hurt each other in some way or another. But that doesnt meet the definition of abuse. We hurt others feelings when we may or may not be who or what they want us to be.

Being with someone with mental health issues is a horse of a different color. I for one understand that no matter what they try sometimes they just cant control it.

I was with someone who refused to get help for her mental illness. She is now and Im thankful for that. We have just recently reconnected and the change in her is amazing. I know we wont ever be a couple again cause she will stop getting the help she needs.

INTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AN abuser is FULL of intent. Now to hear them tell it they arent doing anything wrong nor have they.

Im not going to go down that road. To me they get their kicks by DESTROYING their prey

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Gemme

It doesn't read like sexual abuse occurs up to 50% of the time to me. It reads that sexual abuse occurred in UP TO 50% of the cases that sexual abuse from a woman partner was documented. We all know that of the cases that are documented, there are far more that are not. Of the documented cases, there could easily be documented incidents up to half of the reported cases. That doesn't mean that it happened 50% of the time. It would only have to happen at least once in up to 50% of the cases documented.

I haven't gone back so forgive me if I didn't see this but was there a clear and definitive definition of sexual abuse for these stats? Was it including only times when a physical assault actually occurred or does it include times that threats of assault were made but perhaps no definitive, physical assault occurred? Did it include sexual harrassment as sexual abuse? Does it include the fucked up mind games that people often play with one another?

Gemme, you ask some very pertinent questions and show some excellent critical thinking skills.

Perhaps if you actually read it, some of those would have been answered and even more generated.

Same goes for the math. Read it. Then venture an opinion based on fact, not arbitrary conjecture.

Would love to discuss it further, once we are working with the same data.

Have a nice day

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Gemme, you ask some very pertinent questions and show some excellent critical thinking skills.

Perhaps if you actually read it, some of those would have been answered and even more generated.

Same goes for the math. Read it. Then venture an opinion based on fact, not arbitrary conjecture.

Would love to discuss it further, once we are working with the same data.

Have a nice day

Kobi, your response feels dismissive and condescending. The pat on the head for my 'critical thinking skills' especially.

I will read Snowy's post that she contributed to the thread to see if there are, in fact, definitive descriptions for what the study considers to be sexual abuse and perhaps I will find the answers to my questions.

Having said that, you completely missed the point I was making in regard to your response to Snowy. I don't feel you're reading the statistics properly. They are absolutely within reason. I'm fine with leaving it as an agree to disagree thing, however.

Have a nice day.

[*Anya*]

Impact on Children

A study published in the November 2003 issue of Child Abuse & Neglect found that children exposed to abuse on their mothers -- but not mistreated themselves -- also display increased behavior problems. The research was compiled by the University of Washington-Seattle and the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center. The study surveyed 167 Seattle women, all of whom had children between 2- and 17 years old.

Each woman had police-reported or court-reported intimate-partner violence such as physical, psychological or sexual abuse. Each woman also filled out child behavior checklists by phone or mail. Researchers considered the surveyed child to be abused if any report triggered an investigation -- regardless of the findings of that investigation. This definition allows a "more sensitive measure" of mistreatment, and takes the difficulties of prosecuting abuse cases into account, according to the report. Investigators then compared the survey results from a Seattle sample of children with a nationally representative sample of children used to develop the checklist. The Child Behavior Checklist included questions on internalizing behaviors (depressive, withdrawn or anxious behavior) and externalizing behaviors (aggressive or delinquent behaviors).

The results were stronger among the children who had been abused -- but those only exposed to their mothers' abuse were also affected -- they were 60 percent more likely to show externalizing behaviors. They were 40 percent more likely to test in the borderline to clinical range for total behavioral problems.

(Source: University of Washington-Seattle)
Children who suffer family violence are at risk of perpetrating domestic abuse themselves once they reach adulthood, finds to a study that followed over five hundred families for 20 years.

Researchers at Columbia University say three factors are the strongest predictors: "serious behavior problems in adolescence, exposure to domestic violence, and power punishments by the parents—harsh discipline.” Being subjected to physical abuse as a child was most likely to connect to violent romantic relationships later in life. The study found no gender difference among the violent. Both men and women are equally likely to commit acts of physical aggression. More than 20 percent of both genders reported being violent with their partner; 5 percent of this violence brought injury to the partner.

Researchers at Columbia first contacted 543 randomly selected children back in 1975. They, along with their parents, were interviewed in 1983, 1985 and 1991. The final survey, done in 1999, asked about aggressive behavior, romantic history and recent life changes.

(SOURCE: August 2003 issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology)
Children under the age of 12 resided in 43 percent of the households in which domestic violence was reported between 1993 and 1998.

(Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). May 2000. Intimate Partner Violence. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice.)
Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under the age of 12.

(US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics Factbook: Violence by Intimates, March 1998)
Boys who have witnessed partner violence are much more likely to become batterers in their adult relationships than boys who have not had exposure to partner violence in their families. The data is mixed for girls.

(Hotaling and Sugarman, 1996)
A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.

(Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, APA, 1996)
Children exposed to partner violence exhibit symptoms similar to children who are physically and sexually abused, including the perpetuation of violence.

(Davidson, 1995)
In a national study of more than 6,000 American families, 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.

(Murray A Strauss, Richard J. Gelles, and Christine Smith. Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families (New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers, 1990), 407-409)
Men who as children witnessed their parents' domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

(Murray A. Straus et al., Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers, 1990)

75% of boys who witnessed domestic violence have been found to have demonstrable behavior problems.

(Jaffe, et al., 1987)
Children exposed to partner violence condoned it to resolve relationship conflicts more readily than did control groups.

(Jaffe, Wilson, and Wolfe, 1986)
Between 3.3 and 10 million children witness domestic violence in their home each year.

(Carlson, 1984)
Studies show that children are being physically abused in approximately half the families where the mother is a known victim of domestic assault. Similarly, studies show that mothers are being battered in approximately half the families where her child is a known victim of physical abuse.

(Jeffrey L. Edleson, PhD, The Overlap Between Child Maltreatment and Woman Abuse)

http://www.caepv.org/getinfo/facts_stats.php?factsec=10

[Rockinonahigh]

When I was a kid I had this friend that was so terrified of her father it was unreal,he was the most abusive mean s.o.b.I ever knew.She had three brothers and a sister that felt the same way,the older brother was so much like the old man that he didn't catch fall out but the rest of them did.Once her younger brothers skipped school one day,they were 12 & 14 at the time,when the old man found out about it he beat both of them bad enough to put them both in the hospitial for a while one of the boys was hurt so bad he never was the same again.Mentaly his mind ended up at about age 8,he was choked so bad it damaged his vocal cords to the point he could barely speak,the other brother had to have his face reconstructed bit by bit over a few years but he left home as soon as he turned 18.The two girls either married or just left home.Where was the mother during all this?Well she just told anyone who ask her about the issue hat he was the father and had the right to make sure the kids behaved by whatever means he wanted,everyone knew she was scared of him cause she got her share of the hits as well.Back then we didn't have laws like we do now cause the police did a investagation on the matter but nothing came of it.When the old man died there wasn't a hand full at the funeral.I will never figure out how or why people didn't do something but it was the way of the times,if he had killed one of them he would have been in jail but only for that.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Kobi, your response feels dismissive and condescending. The pat on the head for my 'critical thinking skills' especially.

I will read Snowy's post that she contributed to the thread to see if there are, in fact, definitive descriptions for what the study considers to be sexual abuse and perhaps I will find the answers to my questions.

Having said that, you completely missed the point I was making in regard to your response to Snowy. I don't feel you're reading the statistics properly. They are absolutely within reason. I'm fine with leaving it as an agree to disagree thing, however.

Have a nice day.

Gemme, I wasnt intending to be dismissive, condescending, or patting anything. You were asking the same questions I was asking myself after reading it.

I see conclusions and I am trying to figure out how they got there.

It is a compilation of studies. Did each study use the same definition or were there different definitions? Did each study touch on all the potential areas of abuse or only specific ones? Were the definitions of abuse the same or reasonably compatible? What was the sample size? Was the sample size statistically significant? Were the statistics based on occurrences of events or the number of people who experienced the event?

I was looking thru the studies used, most of which are from the 1990's. I cant find anything current or updated. I find lots of books but no studies.

As for the statistics, we can agree to disagree but I'm thinking once you have read it, we would be better able to discuss it. It appears, they are talking about the number of people who have experienced something abusive not the number of times. To say up to 50% could mean one person would mean your sample size was 2 people. Yes?

Because it is a compilation, I expect to see variations i.e. 24-90% of the lesbians surveyed, depending on which study, reported at least one undefined act of psychological abuse. That's a huge variation. Is it statistically significant? or it that indicative of something else?

Critical thinking is a good thing.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss it further. I am interested in what you think about it and why.

[Dude]

Public humiliation is a big sign ( for me)

[StrongButch]

I am only speaking for myself.I find a therapist can help also dont speak to abuser. If you have unfinished business get a friend to talk to them have no contact Take your life back. Move on with your life dont let them take up space in your head.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.

For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?

I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.

As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.

If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.

I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.

If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.

Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.

For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?

I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.

As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.

If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.

I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.

If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.

Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.

I have been thinking about this post and I am not really sure if I have any answers for ME or anyone else. I am going to try and explain what is working for ME.

I have now made a rule that whomever I am to date, if I date anyone again, they will know that I need to be able to resolve conflict. It is a mutual thing, one person doesnt get to say ok I have said what I need to say its done and walk away. Im just as important and I need to be able to voice what and how Im feeling about whatever issue has come up.

I am willing to have time so long as its a set time. I need to be able to get answers not just questions.

It is hard for me not to put the other person first and Im working on that. I have found that I do this way to much and I get left out in the cold so to speak.

I have tried to have "I feel" talk and some how it gets all twisted around to where its all about them and how IM doing xyz to them and how Im doing so and so to hurt them. To me communicate is the key.

Im a talker maybe too much but at least Im not holding it in and making anyone guess what is going on. I know I will shut down when I try to talk to who Im dating and repeatedly get told NOT now. I have asked many times for us(whomever I was dating at the time) to lets make time for said conversations only to be told over and over again that they didnt want to talk about it it wasnt important to them to just drop it. I can tell you that if there is an issue with one person in the relationship there is an issue with both ppl.

Im working on figuring out how to approach subjects with whomever Im with. Let me tell you that is not easy.

I know that I must respect them and their wishes however my needs need to b met also.

I need to sometimes put me first which is like telling the sun NOT to shine during the daytime. Funny we cant tell the moon that we can see it during the day and nite. I dont see myself as the moon it isnt all about me but I want to be the sun and shine when its time and I want whom Im with to be the sun also when its their time to shine.

I am trying to take the target off me my KNOWING who and what I want what I am and am NOT willing to do in a relationship this is a huge step and I hope I can and will be able to take it in time