Is Marriage for you?

[Glenn]

Originally Posted by Martina

i am not responding to the do i believe in love or longterm partnerships for me or others part of this. In fact, i do.

Legal marriage has never appealed to me. If i were straight, i would not marry. i'd have to desperately need the insurance or something like that.

You can still protect your assets by going to an attorney and signing a non marital co habitation agreement. It's a legal document that protects both of your assets.

[Nadeest]

Given that I am mostly attracted to women, and my 'preop' status, I could get married if I wished. In fact, given that I am living in Texas, it might be rather fun to walk into the Clerk of the Court's office with my partner and request a marriage licence.
At the moment, however, I don't have a partner, and none seems to be appearing over the horizon, either. Still, if it was with the right person, I think that I'd get married again.

[AtLast]

Yes. No reason to explain why it is for me other than to someone I want to marry and shares the same sentiments about marriage.

[tazz]

simply put; i'm not wired for marriage.

[chai~]

Here in Canada, we are free to marry if we choose.

I have never wanted that for myself.

I wasn't one of those girls who made sure my barbies married, never sketched dresses or cut pictures out of magazines for the "big day."

My one and only long term relationship was as married as I cared to be.
Her friends would ask me, "When are you going to change your last name?"
She was butch and I am femme, and all I could think was, "wow, what an assumption! I"M the one expected to change, I'M the one expected to give myself up!!!!"

I was expected to be absorbed by the relationship.

Makes me cringe just to think about it.

This past year I thought I had a change of heart.
Over the summer, in the span of 6 weeks, there were 3 weddings to go to. I thought, "Yeah...maybe I should get married someday."
I seemed to have wedding fever.
The more I thought about it though, I figured out it was only the party I wanted, I wanted to be queen for the day, have all my friends and family in one place to celebrate me and my partner.
I wanted the hoopla and festivities, a romantic beach wedding, barefoot and.....

Then the fever soon passed !

In a way, I guess I'm old fashioned, and I would want to be the perfect do everything super wife and mother.

And I'm afraid that I would eventually allow myself to be absorbed.

I do not believe that 2 people come together to make a whole, or that my partner would be my better/other half.

I do believe that people come together and "accessorize" each other.

Side by side, not one in front of or above the other.

I just want to be happy and balanced, with or without a partner.

Being able to choose as opposed to being told "I am not allowed," is a powerful thing, and I do wish everyone had the choice. Obviously I forgot to mention any accidents that require hospital stays. Being powerless as a person watches their partner slowly wither away and die is devastating.

[Dude]

my state just legalized it this week (55-43)

largely due to this woman's devastating story and what she did with it.

http://www.snagfilms.com/films/search?q=for+my+wife <==

yes, I hope to someday get married and have the right to be with my wife
in the ambulance, hospital or visa versa. definately and without slowing down to show anyone a flippin piece of paper.

[chai~]

Originally Posted by Dude

my state just legalized it this week (55-43)

largely due to this woman's devastating story and what she did with it.

http://www.snagfilms.com/films/search?q=for+my+wife <==

yes, I hope to someday get married and have the right to be with my wife
in the ambulance, hospital or visa versa. definately and without slowing down to show anyone a flippin piece of paper.

I do understand and appreciate the need for these things to change. It breaks my heart to hear this, and what a devastating loss. In the instances such as this, I can absolutely see how equality is needed and it's about damn time. ~bless~

[VintageFemme]

Absolutely.

[Sparx1_1]

I've been married twice.
Once to the wrong person and once to the right person.

Getting married is not that big a deal ... it's finding the right person to get married to - then it's just something you can't not do.

[Ciaran]

I wouldn't rule out marriage per se but what I would rule out, from a personal perspective is a "conventional" marriage, whether straight or gay. By this comment, I mean that I never want to live 24/7 with a partner as I value time alone i.e. I could do 24/5 or something along those lines or live in separate condos in the same building or in nearby homes .... just not 24/7.

I'm certainly not alone in my thinking on this and the more"unconventional" is gradually becoming the conventional.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by claybaby

If I was told tomorrow I could get married, would I want to? Why or why not?
Having that same privilege/right as all others in society would be awesome in and of itself...for a number of reasons.

Understand what you are saying Clay but I don't think awesome is the right word in the context - same rights as others should be expected / normal.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Glenn

Sometimes a prenup won't work. Example: Say your partner signs a prenup and legally marries you, and a few years later you open the business of your dreams and over the next several years you work your ASS off to make lots of $$$$...You put your heart and soul into the business. You're making money, you're giving them the best things in life---cars, clothes,,etc., but then they complain your spending too much time working, so they divorce you for aleiniation of affection or something. Folks, even if the business is not in their name, they can still get 50% of it's earnings because a defense attorney may be able to convince a judge they helped you succeed and they can still continue to earn money from their own career! So, if you're a person that works hard and has money, if you get married, you're gonna lose out to some degree if your partner asks for a divorce. You may not lose 50%, but you'll certainly not MAKE any money from a divorce. Now, just because you signed a pre nup, your still trusting your partner not to put up a fight and just walk away. At the very least, they can still take you to court and that costs time and money.

I guess my thinking about a prenups is being able to protect the assets you have coming into the marriage, rather than protecting the assests you accumulate while in the marriage. This is what I would be most conscious of. Is it really fair for me to get half of the 50K of my partner's inheritance that she came into the relationship with? I say, no. Do we each deserve half of the 50K we have put into one or the other's 401K (retirement plan) while married? Yes, I think so.

[ScandalAndy]

I love the thought of marriage as I interpret it: A public, ceremonial, legal bond between two (or more) individuals who love and respect each other, and wish not to be parted. It seems very romantic to care for someone so much that you give them the gift of yourself, and accept the gift of themselves to you in return.

That being said, I am never going to find anyone who can put up with my ass from now until eternity, so I'm just content with the thought of it.

[aishah]

Originally Posted by claybaby

I have been reading all the posts...and some excellent posts....again, TY MsTinker...excellent thread!!!
Just some FYI....I was with my "wife" for 15 years. When she was diagnosed with stage IV terminal cancer in 2007, we made all our legal papers and had them signed, and notarized!
Upon her death in 2009, I took said will and Five Wishes, that were also signed, and notarized, to Probate Court, paid my $10 fee, and was told..."that is all you need to do" and "this is legal".
Imagine MY surprise when 6 months later, I find out quite by accident that the sister had gotten ALL 3 buildings of our belongings...and the life insurance monies. HOW did she do this? My state does NOT recognize same sex relationships and we had never had any sort of ceremony, being bound by our hearts and our committment to one another!
MY POINT: do not depend on POA's, DM POA's, and Wills....I was told, much after the fact, if we had done things in a TRUST..it would have been unbreakable..by anyone. This is what I was told..and I am in NO WAY dispensing any sort of "legal advice" JUST MY own experience! I had no money to hire a lawyer, and things were already done and over with...sooo

THANK YOU so much for posting this.

i haven't been through this situation with a partner, but i lost both of my parents when i was 17 and neither had a will. my step-parents took EVERYTHING - the life insurance, my parents' houses, my mother's car, all of my possessions that were still in my parents' houses. even though they had acted as though everything was fine before my parents died and made promises to my parents as to how things would be handled (spending life insurance to pay off the house so my stepdad, my older sister and her kids, and i could live there if needed; splitting the remaining life insurance to help me with medical bills and my sister with getting through school with kids; etc.). my father and i had worked on a troop carrier wwii history project together for years and my stepmother and father's family had no part of it, but they stole all of the materials we worked on together and i had no access to anything (which included a library of priceless primary source material). my extended family on both sides basically abandoned me, my sister, and my nieces right after, and we were destitute. i don't care how much you trust your family or your partners - people go fucking nuts when somebody dies. TAKE CARE OF YOUR LEGAL STUFF. write your will, put it in a trust, whatever you have to do. if you want your assets to go to your partner(s) or kids when you die, do whatever you have to do to make ABSOLUTELY certain that that will happen, because if you don't, those people (including your children) have NO RIGHTS whatsoever. this is one case where trust (even in a decades-long relationship) is NOT enough.

[Okiebug61]

As long as any form of the Government has a legal foot in marriage Red and I are out. We are suppose to be guaranteed the separation of church and state. Seeing as marriage is considered to be a religious ceremony the states the feds need to back off.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Okiebug61

As long as any form of the Government has a legal foot in marriage Red and I are out. We are suppose to be guaranteed the separation of church and state. Seeing as marriage is considered to be a religious ceremony the states the feds need to back off.

i agree, what does the government care who we sleep with/marry?

BUT that ceremony gives us rights to things we want and need.

[aishah]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree, what does the government care who we sleep with/marry?

BUT that ceremony gives us rights to things we want and need.

it upsets me that it's either/or. there are plenty of other ways the government can provide those rights without taking such a religious, moralizing stance on who deserves to receive them and who doesn't. imho it would be better to reform the way those benefits are allotted altogether and separate them from the romantic commitment or religious aspects of marriage - i.e. provide civil unions/domestic partnership benefits to people in committed relationships regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or monogamy/nonmonogamy - then leave it up to individual churches, temples, and other religious institutions or people who perform civil ceremonies as to whether they choose to perform the ceremony for a certain couple.

[Dude]

I have read the opening post again and simmered down a bit.
No , I would not get married tomorrow just because I could as
I am single and would need a long ( a few years) engagement prior.

It would require a lot of thought and the right person for me of course.
I dont believe in the complete each other crap and know how much
work long term relationships can be.
If it was based in reality and not the fantasy of it , yes , I would.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by claybaby

I have been reading all the posts...and some excellent posts....again, TY MsTinker...excellent thread!!!
Just some FYI....I was with my "wife" for 15 years. When she was diagnosed with stage IV terminal cancer in 2007, we made all our legal papers and had them signed, and notarized!
Upon her death in 2009, I took said will and Five Wishes, that were also signed, and notarized, to Probate Court, paid my $10 fee, and was told..."that is all you need to do" and "this is legal".
Imagine MY surprise when 6 months later, I find out quite by accident that the sister had gotten ALL 3 buildings of our belongings...and the life insurance monies. HOW did she do this? My state does NOT recognize same sex relationships and we had never had any sort of ceremony, being bound by our hearts and our committment to one another!
MY POINT: do not depend on POA's, DM POA's, and Wills....I was told, much after the fact, if we had done things in a TRUST..it would have been unbreakable..by anyone. This is what I was told..and I am in NO WAY dispensing any sort of "legal advice" JUST MY own experience! I had no money to hire a lawyer, and things were already done and over with...sooo

I inherited a great deal of liquid assests upon my Mother's death, and even with our "legal" marriage we have a trust. You never know who or what is going to happen.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Okiebug61

As long as any form of the Government has a legal foot in marriage Red and I are out. We are suppose to be guaranteed the separation of church and state. Seeing as marriage is considered to be a religious ceremony the states the feds need to back off.

There are many people who feel the same way