Domestic Violence/Partner Abuse

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by Heart

Not all bad relationships are abusive, although all abusive relationships are bad.
Not all bad things we do in a relationship means we are an abusers.
High conflict relationships are not necessarily abusive.
Healthy relationships include conflict and fighting.

So how can you tell if it's a lousy relationship or abuse?

Abusers seek control and are willing to use coercive tactics, including violence, to achieve and maintain control in a relationship.

Abusers engage in patterns of escalation and de-escalation that the victim has no control over, (even when they think they do).

Victims experience fewer options and choices, and growing fear and danger, over time.

For more about lgbtq partner abuse check out: www.nwnetwork.org

I tried the link. It does not work, Heart. When I worked in the field we used this a lot.

[Heart]

I fixed the link. It's the Northwest Network of Bi Trans Lesbian & Gay Survivors of Abuse.

[katsarecool]

This topic has brought back memories I thought I had put to rest forever and it has haunted me since I read this thread. I have never talked about this to anyone.

Back in 2004 I had a relationship with a person who had a quick temper and reacted badly when anyone disagreed with her or did not do as she said. She reacted violently at times. Then it was my turn. On three different occaisions I had to ask her to leave my home and then ended up calling the police for help. Each time she ended up taking the phone from me and talking her way out of it.

On a vacation trip to the beach with others she blew up at me. In the car on the way home (a hundred miles from home) we argued about what happened. She reached across the car and grabbed my wrists as I tried to get out of the car (she had pulled over to the side of the road).

The last straw is when she restrained me in front of my family and the police took it seriously. It has taken years for me to get over this. And get over the shame and humiliation too.

I only had one more relationship after that and a year later I gave up and decided to work on me and have been alone ever since (Mar 2006). So I have trust issues. And trying to work on that too.

Thanks for bringing this subject in out of the dark.

[sylvie]

thank you so much for starting this thread, and all the information.
and big thumbs up to you all who share your situations, because yes it does & possibly will help people who could be in the same situations.. but i also know how hard it is to revisit or share, so i really do admire you all for doing so.

i, too, am a survivor.. but i've bottled most up for years & years - and have yet to really deal with those things, and not sure i truly ever will.. keeping it bottled and stuffed down within me seems to work for me.. the few people in my life who helped me out of the situation tell me it's very unhealthy to keep it in, however.. and they could very well be right.. i have just started counselling, recently but this topic has not come up, i'm not ready to go there..

at any rate, a girl like me really appreciates threads like this.. sometimes i don't say much, but i do read and process for myself, and love seeing resources around for those who also need them..

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

You know, I had this long reply all typed out... and then the damn school computer decided to freak out on me, and closed out everything. Grrr.

Anyway, I don't feel like reiterating what I said, but basically, I was with an emotionally abusive alcoholic, and... she's still my love (and I'm still hers), though we're not together right now... I just hope she'll find a way to love herself, because she has so much anger and self-hatred to cope with. She's a beautiful person, but it's all buried underneath the damage. The booze turns her into a monster, and I hope someday she can find her way out of the wreckage and be herself again <3

xoxo.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Exactly.

When she drinks, it's like the woman I know just... checks out, and a demon takes over. It breaks my heart

[Goo]

Thank you for all the information about abusive relationships.