Dating and Race

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 08:24 AM

I am a bit backwards socially, as many of you know well, and I am hoping for support and feedback here. When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone? Being shy and socially stunted tends to leave me seeming uncaring or uninterested because I don't bring up topics that I am unsure they are not appropriate. Like I'm the one the checkout clerks look up and see and think ok here's someone nice and they spill out their business to me right there. I am the type that will not even know how irritated the line becomes when I encourage said checker and practically have a therapy session right there. SO when someone else doesn't approach me with their feelings I am not very good at guess what they may view as the elephant in the room or I am ignoring the obvious... So I really need a group feedback on this... As the non poc in the situation when and who is best to begin the convo. Also just wanna add that to me its very important to know how she feels about it, if ever experienced it and be upfront about it being my first opportunity as no poc has yet liked me enough to pursue or date me.

waxnrope · 09-21-2010, 10:00 AM

Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking?

Corkey · 09-21-2010, 12:55 PM

Dragonfly start at the beginning, your are confusing folks.

dark_crystal · 09-21-2010, 01:15 PM

i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

Ebon · 09-21-2010, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

I think I can understand why this person said this to you.

Ebon · 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM

Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question.

tuffboi29 · 11-23-2010, 08:16 AM

Hope you don't mind me dropping bye...

I read the first post you made Dragonfly, and it reminded me very much of this ya'fa girl I had crushed on so bad in my teen years.

I was raised in...(not an out an out) racist family, but growing up I heard more than enough. As I grew older and met this girl I would get so nervous about my background...afraid something would slip or the issue of race would come up and I would be exposed as the bigots who quietly hated as they raised me. Their views and mine were not one in the same but how can one explain away the actions and comments of their family?

It took me forever to ask this young lady out. And much to my surprise and relief race was the last thing either of us thought about.
We ended up in some very comfortable discussions (about race..ect..) that naturally progressed as we went along.

Glad to see things went well for you!!

Dragonfly · 11-23-2010, 12:39 PM

Thanks for stopping by! I can relate to your experience in a big way. Racism is a brutal cycle that has brainwashing effects in childhood. Our first group outing with her friends we had something come up. Though it was her friend I winced for her, and as she handled it in her own way so did I for that situation. Had it been my friend I would have acted differently. Instead of confronting her and dragging her inside to right her wrong... I walked away and made it right with my own money. When my "date" and I next spoke we had our first convo about racism, her experience and way to handle things and such matters that I will keep personal. Suffice to say that we may be different but we handle these obstacles similarly, with the same attitude.

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 01:18 PM

Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept.

Corkey · 09-21-2010, 01:27 PM

Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.

Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.

PinkieLee · 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone?

Hi Dragonfly...

Is this the question that you are looking for input on?

Two-spirit · 09-28-2012, 03:43 PM

Hello,
I just wanted to put my two cents in. I'm a 100% Native American woman (softbutch).I've mostly dated white woman,mostly because the areas I lived and grew up in,has mostly had a majority of white people there.
I've also dated blacks and a mexican..I had no problems dating or having others date me.My family has no problem dating other nationalities what so ever .They just want me to be happy...

Angeltoes · 01-09-2016, 01:46 AM

I'm very confused about this discussion. What is the thread about? Interracial dating? I definitely would as long as that person didn't expect me to start acting like them. Honestly,a lot about me screams 'total white girl.' I'm not interested in changing myself, the way I dress or the music I listen to. If we had mutual interests then color is no big deal to me.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 05:22 AM

It was a discussion of sept 2012 where a white girl with social anxiety wanted to ask a poc if she dated white girls but since she has social anxiety couldn't really bring herself to the point of asking if she dated white girls (aka round about way of asking if she would be rejected before she asked).

It all ended well. She found out they had already been dating and she hadn't realized it so she didn't have to go through he agony of of possible rejection if she let her desires be known.

The end.

job · 01-09-2016, 11:33 AM

It seemed like she was asking when they should discuss their racial differences?.... though I didn't read the whole thing.
I personally have dated more non white than white folks and have never sat any of them down and said, let's talk about this. Obviously we're different colors, I'm super white, (as in don't really tan).
I can only think of two times that it even came up.
One was in high school when I was hanging out with this guy, (not out yet,) who had racist parents, which I wasn't used to. I mean I was used to racist parents because mine were VERY racist, but I wasn't used to talking to someone with racist parents. The problem in the situation was, where do we hang out or go to relax because neither could take the other home.
The second time was my very first girlfriend. She wanted to meet my grandparents so bad. I told her I don't think that's a good idea. (I don't speak to most of my family. Including the ones who raised me: the grandparents.) She absolutely insisted. She was so excited, "I'm going to wear a dress,"... and be like this and do that....so I said ok, set it up, and she met them. She had an awesome southern drawl and talked so sweet. I, personally thought she was so cute that day. But, they were just like, whatever. Grandpa was the real racist and didn't say one word to her. Grandma would ask her little questions and smile when she answered, but remained pretty aloof. In the end we were like, fuck 'em and that was it. I told her I thought it was really cool of her to care enough to try.
Other than those two times, there's never been an issue.

angelface · 01-09-2016, 11:56 AM

But I only date one type of race and that's the HUMAN race!

Obviously I have a preference for the adult female gender of the species, who rock very well the femme identity but that where my discrimination stops.
Yes there are certain likes and dislikes with reference to their character that may or may not be appealing, but to make my decision on whether to date someone solely based on their pigmentation is as shallow as the colour (aka color) on the skin.

Actually call me an International Lover

I understand the original purpose of the thread was to ascertain whether two different skin tones would date, so I say if two people are attracted to one another...go for it!

09-21-2010, 08:24 AM	#1
Dragonfly Member How Do You Identify?: Queersexual Female Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: smiling real big Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: My Own House Illinois Posts: 330 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 871 Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts Rep Power: 645437	Dating and Race I am a bit backwards socially, as many of you know well, and I am hoping for support and feedback here. When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone? Being shy and socially stunted tends to leave me seeming uncaring or uninterested because I don't bring up topics that I am unsure they are not appropriate. Like I'm the one the checkout clerks look up and see and think ok here's someone nice and they spill out their business to me right there. I am the type that will not even know how irritated the line becomes when I encourage said checker and practically have a therapy session right there. SO when someone else doesn't approach me with their feelings I am not very good at guess what they may view as the elephant in the room or I am ignoring the obvious... So I really need a group feedback on this... As the non poc in the situation when and who is best to begin the convo. Also just wanna add that to me its very important to know how she feels about it, if ever experienced it and be upfront about it being my first opportunity as no poc has yet liked me enough to pursue or date me. __________________ Stay Gold.

09-21-2010, 12:55 PM	#3
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,299 Times in 6,640 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Dragonfly start at the beginning, your are confusing folks. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

09-21-2010, 01:15 PM	#4
dark_crystal Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: jenny Preferred Pronoun?: babygirl Relationship Status: First Lady of the United SMH Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 5,445 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,532 Thanked 26,589 Times in 4,691 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person __________________

09-21-2010, 01:24 PM	#7
Ebon Senior Member How Do You Identify?: With my souls eyes. Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: lol Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Here Posts: 3,476 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,524 Thanked 11,145 Times in 2,755 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question. __________________ In Lak'ech Ala K'in I'm a Soul Rebel http://wannabereverend.wordpress.com/ Spirituality is not a belief system or ideology, it is the surrender of one's ego to the infinite wisdom and knowledge that is the universe.

11-23-2010, 08:16 AM	#8
tuffboi29 Member How Do You Identify?: Queer..in the queer deffinition of the queer meaning of the queer word... Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. SuperTuff Relationship Status: Things happen... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 483 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 894 Thanked 684 Times in 293 Posts Rep Power: 93005	Hope you don't mind me dropping bye... I read the first post you made Dragonfly, and it reminded me very much of this ya'fa girl I had crushed on so bad in my teen years. I was raised in...(not an out an out) racist family, but growing up I heard more than enough. As I grew older and met this girl I would get so nervous about my background...afraid something would slip or the issue of race would come up and I would be exposed as the bigots who quietly hated as they raised me. Their views and mine were not one in the same but how can one explain away the actions and comments of their family? It took me forever to ask this young lady out. And much to my surprise and relief race was the last thing either of us thought about. We ended up in some very comfortable discussions (about race..ect..) that naturally progressed as we went along. Glad to see things went well for you!! __________________ "Today we would pass through the scenes of our youth like travelers. We are burnt up by hard facts; like tradesmen we understand distinctions, and like butchers, necessities. We are no longer untroubled - we are indifferent. We might exist there; but, should we really live there?" ~Erich Maria Remarque "All Quiet on the Western Front" http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot..._4605968_n.jpg

09-21-2010, 10:00 AM	#2
waxnrope Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 5/27/2011 Preferred Pronoun?: hy ho, hy ho; he, she, it, whatever Relationship Status: Going slow ... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: in her orifices ... la frontera Posts: 1,433 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,414 Thanked 2,958 Times in 953 Posts Rep Power: 0	Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking?

11-23-2010, 12:39 PM	#9
Dragonfly Member How Do You Identify?: Queersexual Female Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: smiling real big Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: My Own House Illinois Posts: 330 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 871 Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts Rep Power: 645437	hey Thanks for stopping by! I can relate to your experience in a big way. Racism is a brutal cycle that has brainwashing effects in childhood. Our first group outing with her friends we had something come up. Though it was her friend I winced for her, and as she handled it in her own way so did I for that situation. Had it been my friend I would have acted differently. Instead of confronting her and dragging her inside to right her wrong... I walked away and made it right with my own money. When my "date" and I next spoke we had our first convo about racism, her experience and way to handle things and such matters that I will keep personal. Suffice to say that we may be different but we handle these obstacles similarly, with the same attitude. __________________ Stay Gold.

09-21-2010, 01:18 PM	#10
Dragonfly Member How Do You Identify?: Queersexual Female Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: smiling real big Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: My Own House Illinois Posts: 330 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 871 Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts Rep Power: 645437	okay Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept. __________________ Stay Gold.

09-21-2010, 01:27 PM	#11
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,299 Times in 6,640 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer. Who knows, ask the person you are interested in. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

09-28-2012, 03:43 PM	#14
Two-spirit Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Native American Preferred Pronoun?: soft butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 76 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 257 Thanked 238 Times in 69 Posts Rep Power: 1745518	Hello, I just wanted to put my two cents in. I'm a 100% Native American woman (softbutch).I've mostly dated white woman,mostly because the areas I lived and grew up in,has mostly had a majority of white people there. I've also dated blacks and a mexican..I had no problems dating or having others date me.My family has no problem dating other nationalities what so ever .They just want me to be happy...

01-09-2016, 01:46 AM	#15
Angeltoes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Nunya Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Bernlandia Posts: 1,740 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,286 Thanked 5,525 Times in 1,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	I'm very confused about this discussion. What is the thread about? Interracial dating? I definitely would as long as that person didn't expect me to start acting like them. Honestly,a lot about me screams 'total white girl.' I'm not interested in changing myself, the way I dress or the music I listen to. If we had mutual interests then color is no big deal to me. __________________ Now say you're sorry for ushering in the fourth fucking reich- anonymous

01-09-2016, 05:22 AM	#16
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,727 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	It was a discussion of sept 2012 where a white girl with social anxiety wanted to ask a poc if she dated white girls but since she has social anxiety couldn't really bring herself to the point of asking if she dated white girls (aka round about way of asking if she would be rejected before she asked). It all ended well. She found out they had already been dating and she hadn't realized it so she didn't have to go through he agony of of possible rejection if she let her desires be known. The end.

01-09-2016, 11:33 AM	#17
job Junior Member How Do You Identify?: butch Join Date: Mar 2015 Location: Vegas area Posts: 47 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182 Thanked 160 Times in 35 Posts Rep Power: 644257	It seemed like she was asking when they should discuss their racial differences?.... though I didn't read the whole thing. I personally have dated more non white than white folks and have never sat any of them down and said, let's talk about this. Obviously we're different colors, I'm super white, (as in don't really tan). I can only think of two times that it even came up. One was in high school when I was hanging out with this guy, (not out yet,) who had racist parents, which I wasn't used to. I mean I was used to racist parents because mine were VERY racist, but I wasn't used to talking to someone with racist parents. The problem in the situation was, where do we hang out or go to relax because neither could take the other home. The second time was my very first girlfriend. She wanted to meet my grandparents so bad. I told her I don't think that's a good idea. (I don't speak to most of my family. Including the ones who raised me: the grandparents.) She absolutely insisted. She was so excited, "I'm going to wear a dress,"... and be like this and do that....so I said ok, set it up, and she met them. She had an awesome southern drawl and talked so sweet. I, personally thought she was so cute that day. But, they were just like, whatever. Grandpa was the real racist and didn't say one word to her. Grandma would ask her little questions and smile when she answered, but remained pretty aloof. In the end we were like, fuck 'em and that was it. I told her I thought it was really cool of her to care enough to try. Other than those two times, there's never been an issue.

01-09-2016, 11:56 AM	#18
angelface Timed Out - Identity Issues How Do You Identify?: Butch Lesbian Join Date: Feb 2015 Location: Europe Posts: 179 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 199 Thanked 596 Times in 150 Posts Rep Power: 0	Call me a RACIST.... But I only date one type of race and that's the HUMAN race! Obviously I have a preference for the adult female gender of the species, who rock very well the femme identity but that where my discrimination stops. Yes there are certain likes and dislikes with reference to their character that may or may not be appealing, but to make my decision on whether to date someone solely based on their pigmentation is as shallow as the colour (aka color) on the skin. Actually call me an International Lover I understand the original purpose of the thread was to ascertain whether two different skin tones would date, so I say if two people are attracted to one another...go for it!