Domestic Violence/Partner Abuse

[dixie]

I saw various threads on abuse, but I didn't see one specific to this issue so I hope I didn't overlook one. Forgive me if I did.

As the manager of a domestic violence shelter and also a survivor of domestic abuse, I feel that this is a very important subject. For many years people have believed that the system was only in place to help heterosexual/straight victims. That mentality still exists in some areas, but so much has changed. There is help and hope for ALL victims who seek it, no matter their sexuality, gender, etc. There are victims in our community who don't even realize that these resources are there. There are also some who don't even realize that they are being victimized. It's my hope that by opening communication in this thread, we can get information and help to those in need.

I will be posting various bits of information in this thread, and hope that others do so as well, whether it's resources, personal thoughts, or experiences that they feel comfortable sharing. The purpose is to show others that they are not alone, and that there is help. Please feel free to PM me with any questions, thoughts, or information. And if there is someone out there who is dealing with this type of abuse, PLEASE feel free to contact me or someone you trust, even if it's just to vent, to voice it, for support or for a shoulder to lean on...





Power and Control in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Relationships

Isolation: Restricting Freedom
Controlling personal social contacts, access to information and participation in groups or organizations. Limiting the who, what, where and when or daily life. Restraining movement, locking partner in or out.

Intimidation
Creating fear by using looks, actions, gestures and destroying personal items, mementos or photos. Breaking windows or furniture. Throwing or smashing objects. Trashing clothes, hurting or killing pets.

Economic Abuse
Controlling economic resources and how they are used. Stealing money, credit cards or checks. Running up debt. Fostering total economic dependency. Using economic status to determine relationship roles/norms, including controlling purchase of clothes, food, etc.

Physical Abuse
Slapping, hitting, shoving, biting, choking, pushing, punching, beating, kicking, stabbing, burning, pulling hair, being hit with objects, dragging or pulling, shooting or killing. Using weapons.

Using Children
Threats or actions to take children away or have them removed. Using children to relay messages. Threats to or actual harm to children. Threats to or revealing of sexual or gender orientation to children or others to jeopardize parent-child relationship, custody or relationships with family, friends, school or others.

Threats
Making physical, emotional, economic or sexual threats. Threatening to harm family or friends. Threatening to make a report to city, state or federal authorities that would jeopardize custody, economic situation, immigration or legal status. Threatening suicide.

Entitlement
Treating partner as inferior; race, education, wealth, politics, class privilege or lack of, physical ability, and anti-Semitism. Demanding that needs always come first. Interfering with partner's job, personal needs and family obligations.

Psychological & Emotional Abuse
Criticizing constantly. Using verbal abuse, insults and ridicule. Undermining self-esteem. Trying to humiliate or degrade in private or public. Manipulating with lies and false promises. Denying partner's reality.

HIV-Related Abuse
Threatening to reveal HIV status to others. Blaming partner for having HIV. Withholding medical or social services. Telling partner she or he is "dirty." Using illness to justify abuse.

Sexual Abuse
Forcing sex. Forcing specific sex acts or sex with others. Physical assaults to "sexual" body areas. Refusing to practice safer sex. In S&M refusing to negotiate or not respecting contract/scene limits or safe words.

Homophobia/BiphobiaA part of Heterosexism. Using awareness of fear and hatred of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals to convince partner of danger in reaching out to others. Controlling expression of sexual identity and connections to community. Outing sexual identity. Shaming. Questioning Status as a "real" lesbian, gay man, bisexual.

Transphobia
Using fear and hatred of anyone who challenges traditional gender expression, and/or who is transsexual, to convince partner of danger in reaching out to others. Controlling expression of gender identity and connections to community. Outing gender identity. Shaming. Questioning validity of one's gender.

Heterosexism
Perpetuating and utilizing invisibility of LGB relationships to define relationship norms. Using heterosexual roles to normalize abuse and shame partner for same sex and bisexual desires. Using cultural invisibility to isolate partner and reinforce control. Limiting connection to community.




"Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality:
If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:

1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence survivors only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" and "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore", a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you're "tied to the apron strings". The abuser will accuse people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: Abusive people will tell you, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry". Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people's children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you want to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a "real" lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many survivors of abuse are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many survivors feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.

14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".

16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".





WHAT ARE YOUR RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP?
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT…..
• To express your opinions and have them be respected.
• To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs.
• To grow as an individual in your own way.
• To change your mind.
• To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior.
• To not be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.
• And, you have the right to break up and fall out of love with someone and not be threatened.

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED?
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS…..
• Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
• Are you afraid to disagree?
• Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior, especially when s/he has treated you badly?
• Do you have to justify everything you do, every place you go, or every person you see just to avoid your partner’s anger?
• Does your partner put you down, but then tells you that they love you?
• Have you ever been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you?
• Do you not see friends or family because of your partner’s jealousy?
• Have you been forced into having sex when you didn’t want to?
• Are you afraid to breakup because your partner has threatened to hurt you or his/herself?

ARE YOU BEING ABUSIVE?
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS…..
• Do you constantly check up on your partner and accuse him/her of being with other people?
• Are you extremely jealous or possessive?
• Do you have an explosive temper?
• Have you hit, kicked, shoved, or thrown things at your partner?
• Do you constantly criticize or insult your partner?
• Do you become violent when you drink or use drugs?
• Have you threatened your partner or broken things in his/her presence?
• Have you forced your partner to have sex with you or intimidated him/her so s/he is afraid to say no?
• Have you threatened to hurt your partner?
• Have you threatened to hurt yourself if your partner breaks up with you or leaves?



Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Living with a violent partner is dangerous, but leaving one can be dangerous too. Many victims of abuse end up returning to the abusers who hurt them. Often this is because they are forced to leave home suddenly, their lives in danger. With no chance to prepare and no safety net in place, they are likely to return to their batterers.

If you are a victim of domestic violence who is trying to leave an abusive relationship, you will have a better chance of succeeding if you have a safety plan. A safety plan helps you think beyond just escaping - it helps you to prepare for your future. It includes the steps to take before you leave, as well as after.

Here are a few suggestions to help you form your safety plan. If you would like a personalized plan, please contact your local shelter. Or, if your shelter does not serve the LGBT community or is not LGBT friendly, contact us and one of our staff members can assist you.

Important things to bring when leaving:
-Driver's license or other identification.
-Social Security Card
-Domestic Partnership, Civil Union, or other important documents pertaining to the status of your relationship.
-Deeds
-Copy of bills with account numbers
-Credit cards
-Checks and bank books
-Insurance cards
-Title and registration for your car
-Keys
-Money
-Any important papers
-Sentimental items such as photos
-Clothing
-Children's social security cards, school records, immunization records
-Birth Certificates
-Medications

How to keep yourself safe:
-Keep extra money, important documents, car keys, and clothing at a friend's or family member's home or put in a safety deposit box.
-Tell a friend about the abuse and your plans to leave.
-Develop a code word that tells your friends and family that you are in danger.
-Plan escape routes out of your home with several alternatives, if possible.

[dixie]

Resources
There are many resources out there. You can contact your local law enforcement, local domestic violence shelters, local or national crisis lines, and also online support. If you are a victim of domestic abuse, whether physical or emotional, PLEASE seek help...




1.800.799.SAFE
1.800.656.HOPE




Websites on LGBT Domestic Violence

www.projectrainbownet.org
Project Rainbow Net - An initiative of the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence aimed at improving NC’s response to LGBT survivors of domestic violence.

www.survivorproject.org
The Survivor Project - Dedicated to addressing the needs of Intersex and Trans survivors of domestic and sexual violence.

www.avp.org
Anti-Violence Project - Serves lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual and HIV-positive victims of violence, and others affected by violence. Based in New York City.

www.cuav.org
Community United Against Violence - A 20-year old multicultural organization working to end violence against and within lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer/questioning (LGBTQ) communities. Based in San Francisco, CA.

www.nwnetwork.org
Northwest Network - Provides support and safety for bisexual, transgender, lesbian, and gay survivors of abuse. Based in Seattle, WA.

www.thenetworklared.org
The Network/La Red - Ending abuse in lesbian, bisexual women's and transgender communities. Based in Boston, MA.

[Medusa]

Great resources Dixie! I'd love to see this on a resource page here on the site!

[chefhottie25]

when i was living in upstate new york...i found myself in an abusive relationship. it all happened subtlety, and gradually. once my friends and family helped me to see it, i found some help. i utilized the local lgbtq center. i ended the relationship with the support that i found there. it services the gay community in the hudson valley area. i attached their link.
www.lgbtqcenter.org

[rainintothesea]

Until I was in an abusive relationship, I had no real clear idea of how easy it is to miss the signs of a battering personality that dixielady posted. It was only in hindsight that I realized how much I had rationalized or dismissed or simply didn't recognize for what it was. I was frankly startled to find myself in that situation because I've always been a strong, independent person... it's shockingly easy to lose perspective.

[Nat]

Thanks for this thread. Thankfully I have never been in a relationship in which I was battered, though I have experienced most of the stuff listed - though not all in the same relationship.

I guess what I found interesting reading these lists is looking at my own behavior.

I can be jealous, I can be a sulky bitch when sexually frustrated, and I have constrained a person during an argument before. Twice I grabbed a lover by the forearms in an attempt to stop upsetting behavior and get their attention. The second time I left bruises.

The first time, it was the wee hours of the morning, we were on the 2nd floor and the person was throwing boxes on the floor. I didn't want to antagonize the downstairs neighbor, and I automatically grabbed the person by the forearms while saying reassuring words.

The second time was less justified. The time I left bruises was during the day and I don't remember what was being said but the person was possibly leaving or just ranting and pacing. I again grabbed the person by the forearms while saying what I thought were reassuring words. I was unconscious of the strength I used until afterwards. Anyway, it was informative to read this:

17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".

Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. Though I felt bad for leaving bruises on this person, I never thought what I was doing was battery because my intentions didn't feel abusive to me.

And looking further back, I know there was also a time I grabbed my vaccuum cleaner out of a friend's hands during an argument, we had a tug of war and I fell on my ass when that person let go. That also probably falls under item 17. At the time I thought I was the injured party and that I would never get my vaccuum back otherwise.

But I was using force during an argument.

These threads come up every once in a while, and I usually see all the things that have been done to me. But I guess I am in a safe enough place now that I am more able to look at myself and my own behavior with greater clarity.

I do think I have control issues. I spend a lot of time controlling myself. Just to get up in the morning seems to require a great deal of self control. I overeat, overinternet, overspend, occasionally overdrink to control my feelings and thoughts. I think abuse in general is about control, at least that's what I've heard. I don't know how to not be controlling at least with myself. With the above stuff, all I know how to do is to commit to controlling myself more when it comes to these issues - making new, stronger rules regarding my relationships because I definitely don't want to do anything that could be even questionably abusive to anybody.

A lovely friend wrote something recently for coming out day. She's straight, but she wanted to write something in support of her LGBTQ friends. Part of what she wrote was, "Henry David Thoreau said 'All good things are wild and free.'" I don't feel wild and free. Do other people? But whatever prison I have locked myself inside, I don't want fellow prisoners. Looking over my past, it's clear to me I need to have more respect for the wildness and the freedom of others and that some of my own behavior has worked against this.

Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Nat

Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.

please don't feel nervous! the fact of your being self-aware and secure enough to admit to a mistake actually makes you the complete opposite of the kinds of offenders this thread is about!

[Kenna]

I will not apologize; not for finding my strength in 1996, and not for my courage and strength now.....I also will not be isolated and silenced as an Advocate and Mentor to other individuals that may benefit from my Voice, guidance and non-shaming support.

[Kenna]

Many of the victims I have worked with have left their impression on my heart...especially when they say they "can never do or say anything right...they always get blamed for stuff they didn't do...or they are afraid of setting the abuser off, because they are afraid they will be the target or blamed for the abuser's random "bad temper"...they are afraid of walking on egg shells...

A comment made in a support group reminded me of this quote...

[JDeere]

Thank you for posting these!

I need to hear these and stop being in denial about it being my fault!

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Thank you for posting these!

I need to hear these and stop being in denial about it being my fault!

You're welcome!! Each person that goes through any kind of abuse has their own individual journey. While you are walking yours, know you're not alone.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Kenna

You're welcome!! Each person that goes through any kind of abuse has their own individual journey. While you are walking yours, know you're not alone.

I am now seeing that I am not alone. I agree while I am walking mine, I know someone else is walking theirs!