I wish there was a support group for lesbian partners of FTM

Quintease · 01-07-2012, 08:39 AM

We had a situation recently and I could have really used it. I can go online and find a support group for every other facet of my life, why not this one?

sanee66 · 01-07-2012, 09:32 AM

i am willing to be the second member and here to listen and try to help if needed.

Quintease · 01-07-2012, 12:59 PM

So now there's two of us, that's almost a group!

Elijah · 01-07-2012, 01:29 PM

I bet you could find several individuals here that understand what you're going through, hopefully this will bring them out. Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

We had a situation recently and I could have really used it. I can go online and find a support group for every other facet of my life, why not this one?

JoSchmooze · 01-07-2012, 01:34 PM

Perhaps if you verbalized the situation,
many of us might chime in....
I would surmise that if there is a "situation"
one of us has found ourselves in it....

Jest saying....

Corkey · 01-07-2012, 02:27 PM

There is here's the link.

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...read.php?t=976

Quintease · 01-07-2012, 06:18 PM

Some things you just don't want to rant about in such a public space

The_Lady_Snow · 01-07-2012, 06:35 PM

Well I believe as long as it's not trans phobic and your partner is cool with it then here is a pretty safe space (mind you it's the worl wide webz) to discuss or ask others who fuck date own or are partnered with a fella..

Or you could do a blog or start a private chat or live journal about things

iamkeri1 · 01-08-2012, 12:12 AM

Q
I have many years experience partnering with FTM's and I consider myself to be a lesbian. Please feel free to contact me by email if this forum seems too public.
Smooches,
Keri
PS I would also be interested in being part of any "group" that grows out of your thread, as long as we don't refer to ourselves as SOFFAs. I ain't no F***ing couch!

1ladyface · 01-11-2012, 02:10 AM

I only dated butch women until my last partner who was FTM identified and well into transition. It took some adjustment on my part! And his as well since he had only dated straight girls and I was initially resistant to giving up my lesbian id. I now consider myself a queer femme, which is more accurate for where i'm at now. There were also little assumptions on both sides and small...cultural differences between the queer culture I was used to and the straight dating world he was accustomed to. And the invisibility of our queerness that came with dating a passing person was a HUGE shift for me. Yeah, there was a lot to deal with.

Anyway, I'm excited to have stumbled upon this thread! I'm curious to hear what other peoples experiences have been. What's coming up for you ms. thread starter? (sorry, I should have copied the name of the person who started this thread...)

And what the heck is a SOFFA? It sounds like an Ikea couch with plastic legs.

Quintease · 01-11-2012, 05:35 AM

My story was a bit different to that, in that I had dated all types of women, yet they were all female-identified (bar one who was early transition). I remember telling someone once that while I was attracted to FTM's, I wouldn't be able to date one as I am a lesbian.

Well. Obviously I am married to one now. It was difficult, I was 100% gay and most of his girlfriends were bi or queer identified. I still consider myself gay, yet accept that to the wider world I have turned my back on such things. Socially it's been awkward as well, as my social circle is nearly entirely gay and I don't feel comfortable in straight bars. Luckily for me he's comfortable 'outing' himself to gayers and gayers seem to accept him into the fold as soon as they know he's not cisgendered (until recently). Obviously if it's a women-only event I leave him at home.

The biggest shock I guess have been the straight people around me. They are all so happy that I am married to a man, my mother (who knows about his gender) has covered a wall in her house with photos of our wedding! My straight friends were never much interested in my ex-partners, but fell over themselves to meet him. Perhaps it's the novelty of me being with a man, who knows.

The first I knew of SOFFA was when the husband told me. He said 'Look up Soffa online' and I was like 'What? Look up what? Sofa? Are you kidding?' I think it means something but what I don't know ???

EnderD_503 · 01-11-2012, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

We had a situation recently and I could have really used it. I can go online and find a support group for every other facet of my life, why not this one?

There are actually a lot of support groups and support forums for SOs of transpeople. Virtually every major forum for transpeople also has a forum section and/or chat support group for SOs.

Laura's Playground is probably the most organised as far as supportive chatrooms and forums, with designated people/moderators who are there specifically to help people.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm

http://www.lauras-playground.com/for...p?showforum=32

Susan's Place also has such a forum section dedicated to SOs:

http://www.susans.org/forums/index.p...gep3q3fprcmdq6

Susan's Chat also has a channel for SOs:

http://www.susans.org/chat/

More at Susan's:

http://www.susans.org/Significant_Others/

There's also a section on TQNation for SO's (not sure if you can access it without signing up first):

http://www.transqueernation.com/foru...istForCategory

TQNation also has a number of social groups you can become a member of, and fairly certain they have a few for SOs.

Basically go to most trans forums and you'll find support for SOs. In irl, most places that offer trans support also offer support for SOs. It's quite common.

Quintease · 01-11-2012, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

most places that offer trans support also offer support for SOs.

You would think that, wouldn't you. I did and it fact it was the first places I looked.

Unfortunately my sexuality proved to be a problem for some people. That's kinda how I ended up here. I'd been on BFT forums before, of course as I'm F and I'd dated B before, but this one was new to me.

iamkeri1 · 01-11-2012, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

The first I knew of SOFFA was when the husband told me. He said 'Look up Soffa online' and I was like 'What? Look up what? Sofa? Are you kidding?' I think it means something but what I don't know ???

SO = significant other
F = friends
F = family
A = allies

= total yuck as an acronym (IMHO)

EnderD_503 · 01-12-2012, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

You would think that, wouldn't you. I did and it fact it was the first places I looked.

Unfortunately my sexuality proved to be a problem for some people. That's kinda how I ended up here. I'd been on BFT forums before, of course as I'm F and I'd dated B before, but this one was new to me.

That's odd. Kind of the opposite over here since more trans support centres are tied to lgbt centres.

But anyways, I'd check out the links I gave, then, since you can't find anything irl around you. I've occasionally looked around the SO boards in a lot of those places in the past, and haven't seen any negative approaches to lesbian partners from what I saw.

aishah · 01-24-2012, 10:42 PM

i don't id as lesbian (i'm queer/pansexual) but i'm happy to listen and share support here. my partner is ftm.

1ladyface · 01-25-2012, 10:05 AM

Oh geez. I haven't visited this thread in a while. Hi Quintease! How are you doing?

Quintease · 01-29-2012, 09:10 AM

I'm good. I'm still wondering why there isn't a partners group as I have questions like 'Am I allowed to contribute to trans discussions on Facebook, now that FB have changed their privacy policy (which means I could accidentally out my husband)' or 'Why do I feel disconnected from the lesbian community even though we are both still queer'

But other than that I am very good!

The recent Cynthia Nixon debate really brought home to me how much I have evolved since falling in love, from lesbian-segregation-all-the-way to live-and-let-live-and-what-is-gender-anyway?

How is every one else on this fine day? I say fine but actually it is raining where I am..

aishah · 01-29-2012, 10:57 AM

re: facebook - i usually just ask my partner. i have a lot of friends who are trans as well though so i was used to participating in discussions about trans issues before we started dating. my partner is pretty out about being trans at this point so it hasn't been a huge deal. both of our facebooks are kind of locked down to anyone but friends, though.

i'm still sick with a cold. *whine*

Quintease · 02-01-2012, 12:33 PM

^

I hope you are better now!

My partner is out to most people and not out to some, it's awkward especially since most of my friends and family know, but some don't. So we just don't mention it... except that I'm still at that stage where I want to talk about it, particularly since I feel invisible at times.

Since I wrote that however he has told me that he does not want to be outed *overly dramatic sigh*

01-07-2012, 08:39 AM	#1
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	I wish there was a support group for lesbian partners of FTM We had a situation recently and I could have really used it. I can go online and find a support group for every other facet of my life, why not this one? __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

01-07-2012, 09:32 AM	#2
sanee66 Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: ms Posts: 139 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 173 Thanked 306 Times in 95 Posts Rep Power: 3766493	here for you i am willing to be the second member and here to listen and try to help if needed. __________________

01-07-2012, 12:59 PM	#3
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	So now there's two of us, that's almost a group! __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

01-07-2012, 01:34 PM	#5
JoSchmooze Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He, hym, mister or "sir", like I get called by strangers! Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Right here, surrounded by technology Posts: 1,830 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,267 Thanked 10,989 Times in 1,627 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	*Perhaps if you verbalized the situation,* *many of us might chime in....* *I would surmise that if there is a "situation"* *one of us has found ourselves in it....* *Jest saying....* __________________ *Live your life in such a way that* *when your feet hit the floor* *in the morning,* *Satan shudders and* *says, "Oh God, he's up!"*

01-07-2012, 02:27 PM	#6
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,299 Times in 6,640 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	There is here's the link. http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...read.php?t=976 __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

01-07-2012, 06:18 PM	#7
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	Some things you just don't want to rant about in such a public space __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

01-07-2012, 06:35 PM	#8
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,120 Times in 15,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	Thinkin' Well I believe as long as it's not trans phobic and your partner is cool with it then here is a pretty safe space (mind you it's the worl wide webz) to discuss or ask others who fuck date own or are partnered with a fella.. Or you could do a blog or start a private chat or live journal about things __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden Last edited by The_Lady_Snow; 01-07-2012 at 07:04 PM.

01-08-2012, 12:12 AM	#9
iamkeri1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme woman Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 821 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 1,944 Times in 584 Posts Rep Power: 14065934	Q I have many years experience partnering with FTM's and I consider myself to be a lesbian. Please feel free to contact me by email if this forum seems too public. Smooches, Keri PS I would also be interested in being part of any "group" that grows out of your thread, as long as we don't refer to ourselves as SOFFAs. I ain't no Fing couch!*

01-11-2012, 02:10 AM	#10
1ladyface Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: loved and loving Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: SF Posts: 86 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 65 Thanked 279 Times in 66 Posts Rep Power: 3368879	I only dated butch women until my last partner who was FTM identified and well into transition. It took some adjustment on my part! And his as well since he had only dated straight girls and I was initially resistant to giving up my lesbian id. I now consider myself a queer femme, which is more accurate for where i'm at now. There were also little assumptions on both sides and small...cultural differences between the queer culture I was used to and the straight dating world he was accustomed to. And the invisibility of our queerness that came with dating a passing person was a HUGE shift for me. Yeah, there was a lot to deal with. Anyway, I'm excited to have stumbled upon this thread! I'm curious to hear what other peoples experiences have been. What's coming up for you ms. thread starter? (sorry, I should have copied the name of the person who started this thread...) And what the heck is a SOFFA? It sounds like an Ikea couch with plastic legs. __________________ xoxo -ladyface http://www.1ladyface.blogspot.com

01-11-2012, 05:35 AM	#11
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	My story was a bit different to that, in that I had dated all types of women, yet they were all female-identified (bar one who was early transition). I remember telling someone once that while I was attracted to FTM's, I wouldn't be able to date one as I am a lesbian. Well. Obviously I am married to one now. It was difficult, I was 100% gay and most of his girlfriends were bi or queer identified. I still consider myself gay, yet accept that to the wider world I have turned my back on such things. Socially it's been awkward as well, as my social circle is nearly entirely gay and I don't feel comfortable in straight bars. Luckily for me he's comfortable 'outing' himself to gayers and gayers seem to accept him into the fold as soon as they know he's not cisgendered (until recently). Obviously if it's a women-only event I leave him at home. The biggest shock I guess have been the straight people around me. They are all so happy that I am married to a man, my mother (who knows about his gender) has covered a wall in her house with photos of our wedding! My straight friends were never much interested in my ex-partners, but fell over themselves to meet him. Perhaps it's the novelty of me being with a man, who knows. The first I knew of SOFFA was when the husband told me. He said 'Look up Soffa online' and I was like 'What? Look up what? Sofa? Are you kidding?' I think it means something but what I don't know ??? __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

01-24-2012, 10:42 PM	#16
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,437 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	i don't id as lesbian (i'm queer/pansexual) but i'm happy to listen and share support here. my partner is ftm.

01-25-2012, 10:05 AM	#17
1ladyface Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: loved and loving Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: SF Posts: 86 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 65 Thanked 279 Times in 66 Posts Rep Power: 3368879	Oh geez. I haven't visited this thread in a while. Hi Quintease! How are you doing? __________________ xoxo -ladyface http://www.1ladyface.blogspot.com

01-29-2012, 09:10 AM	#18
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	I'm good. I'm still wondering why there isn't a partners group as I have questions like 'Am I allowed to contribute to trans discussions on Facebook, now that FB have changed their privacy policy (which means I could accidentally out my husband)' or 'Why do I feel disconnected from the lesbian community even though we are both still queer' But other than that I am very good! The recent Cynthia Nixon debate really brought home to me how much I have evolved since falling in love, from lesbian-segregation-all-the-way to live-and-let-live-and-what-is-gender-anyway? How is every one else on this fine day? I say fine but actually it is raining where I am.. __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

01-29-2012, 10:57 AM	#19
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,437 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	re: facebook - i usually just ask my partner. i have a lot of friends who are trans as well though so i was used to participating in discussions about trans issues before we started dating. my partner is pretty out about being trans at this point so it hasn't been a huge deal. both of our facebooks are kind of locked down to anyone but friends, though. i'm still sick with a cold. whine

02-01-2012, 12:33 PM	#20
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	^ I hope you are better now! My partner is out to most people and not out to some, it's awkward especially since most of my friends and family know, but some don't. So we just don't mention it... except that I'm still at that stage where I want to talk about it, particularly since I feel invisible at times. Since I wrote that however he has told me that he does not want to be outed overly dramatic sigh __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.