Age... an issue?

[Bard]

This is a bit close to the heart for me.. it really depends on the people involved and the life stages they are at..
SO simplly put DESD amd I have a age gap her folks are ok with it as are mine my daughter loves her and I think she is the best thing in my life well next to the before mentioned daughter
yes I am immature but she gets me and it works for us she supports me in my job in the military all around something that my ex who was close to my age never did

I will say I did get kind of offened by reading this but we are all intilted to our own opnions and the lovely safe space to air them

BUT the two most meaning full relationships I have ever had have been with younger Femmes in thier 20s
guess it just works for me or I am just peter pan and ain't never growing up

[PumaJ]

I find this to be a thought provoking conversation.

I have zero age issues regarding the women I am friends with. Their ages range from mid-twenties to mid-sixties. They are all intelligent, mature in their own ways, all have great senses of humor, and all have the ability to be quite playfull. The mix is straight, bi, & lesbian (Femme & Butch), and lest I forget, the one lonely male, a 18 y.o. Bi guy.

That being said, I'm not sure if I would have issues dating someone more than
a few years youngernor older. I did date a quite handsome & much younger
Butch, years ago. We only went out three times, though. Her age was only one of a few issues. Taken by itself, her age wasn't the deciding factor, though to stop dating.

I've been single by choice for several years, now, & have intentionally not been involved with my local Queer community beyond hanging out with a couple of friends every now & then. I've only just in the past couple of months begun to take very small steps to re-engage with the community. I'm not even sure if I am interested in dating. I'll make a decision on that issue if it presents itself.

I know coupleships in which there are age differences. As far as I can see, the age difference hasn't been a significant issue in them. The greatest age difference is 18 yrs. It seems that this is an issue that is highly personal and dependent upon the individuals involved, really.

If I decide that I want to date or get involved in a relationship again, I hope that I'm able to be open minded enough to not miss out on a decent relationship just based on the number of years someone else has been alive. I think that truly good, decent, & stable relationships are hard enough to find in our communities, as it is.

[Bard]

Originally Posted by Bard

This is a bit close to the heart for me.. it really depends on the people involved and the life stages they are at..
SO simplly put DESD amd I have a age gap her folks are ok with it as are mine my daughter loves her and I think she is the best thing in my life well next to the before mentioned daughter
yes I am immature but she gets me and it works for us she supports me in my job in the military all around something that my ex who was close to my age never did

I will say I did get kind of offened by reading this but we are all intilted to our own opnions and the lovely safe space to air them

BUT the two most meaning full relationships I have ever had have been with younger Femmes in thier 20s
guess it just works for me or I am just peter pan and ain't never growing up

Sorry Y'all for my spelling in this I am tired and was ticked off

[AtLast]

It is interesting to me how all of us have a different sense of "how many" years in much of an age difference. 5-7 years either way to me doesn't sound like much.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Corkey

I have issues with age every day.....

Seriously, I never dated out of my generation, too much stuff that is lost in translation. I know 60 year olds who are immature, it has nothing to do with maturity, tho sometimes it does.

Yes, "lost in translation" is a really good way to put it. We do have age cohort dynamics that are significant.

I do have friends that are much younger and older- each is unique in many aspects of their age "group" and relating as friends is great. I enjoy hearing about generational distinctions no matter what the generation. I just don't want my partner of intimacy too far away from my age group.

Yes, lost in translation is a really good way to put this. Not really about maturity at all. As I said before, I know people all over the map as far as maturity level goes. But, developmental phases and "milestones" feel significant to me when I think about all of this.

Also, I'm retired and at tha time of my life that I don't have to be tied to a job/career. and I am no longer professionaly motivated. If I were with a woman that was still very much involved in her work, it wouldn't work for either one of us. Just like being with someone with young children wouldn't work. I don't have to be responsible for my kid any longer- he has his own life.

So much of this has to do with where we are in our lives. I have turned away from dating some really wonderful women because I felt that these kinds of things would make it impossible for me to commit to them. I can't ask someone to change their goals in their work for me. And I am a monogamous person that is pretty traditional in terms of relationships. I like building a home and history with someone. That is not how everyone relates (nor should it be).

Also, I have to say that as I have gotten older, I find that there are many more things I honestly just don't want to deal with that I would when I was younger.

I think where these kinds of discussions get off in negative directions is when we attach any kind of judgement to age difference. To me, its about lifestyle and life stages (and the wants and needs we have) that are the major factors about age disparate relationships. I have my own rule about not dating anyone my son's age or younger, but I am applying that to myself and in way I choose to live at this life's stage.

Why we focus on this issue so much in terms of the numbers instead of looking at what fits with where we are in our lives doesn't make sense to me sometimes.

I'm not sure if I am explaining this clearly.... just wish we could get away from judgement and talk about all the other issues involved with this topic.

Oh, and Corkey- I'm in no way think your post was judgemental- I really like your "translation" idea and I just got off on the rest of my post after letting you know this.... just 'cause that is where my mind went.

[Bard]

thank you At Last I think it is the Judgement that gets to me all I know is what I have experienced and my younger femme has brought out much the good in me with out her I would be lost

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Oh, and Corkey- I'm in no way think your post was judgemental- I really like your "translation" idea and I just got off on the rest of my post after letting you know this.... just 'cause that is where my mind went.

Yep, it isn't about judgement, personal experience and translation. If I have to explain every saying that came outta my mouth, I'd get more grey hairs than I have right now. Life is at this point in life is too friggen short to have to go through that every day.
As always your mileage may vary.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I sure hope I didn't offend anyone.

The issue I took, with contemplating dating this younger girl, is mainly because she's still in that "player" mindset, and whether she realises it or not - she comes off as someone who's only interested in one thing. I'm a lady, I have a lot of class (despite what others may assume) and I've just grown out of that. I'm not saying I want a relationship, but I certainly don't want to be "just another girl."

If that makes sense?

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I sure hope I didn't offend anyone.

The issue I took, with contemplating dating this younger girl, is mainly because she's still in that "player" mindset, and whether she realises it or not - she comes off as someone who's only interested in one thing. I'm a lady, I have a lot of class (despite what others may assume) and I've just grown out of that. I'm not saying I want a relationship, but I certainly don't want to be "just another girl."

If that makes sense?

Makes a lot of sense- goes to the life stages and where we just are as people.

I can look back in my life at many things and see that at different times, different situations worked- or just didn't. We experience and learn- about ourselves.

This can be a very sensitive topic, especially for folks that are in relationships with large age differences.

My parents had 11 years between them- although, it was my Dad that was older- usually more accepted. When they met, my Mom was 17, my Dad wad 28. They married at 20 and 31 and were together 47 years until my Dad died. Funny, as my first significant love relationship was with a man 9 years older- I was 16 at the time. I was not sexual with him until I was 18 and had left home. We were together for 10 years- and well later I realized I was queer.

I was with a woman 10 years my junior for a brief time between the break-up of a LTR (21 years) and the last LTR I was in (6 years, ending in her death). I found that for me, the differences we had in our "eras" just didn't work well. But, that is me- other people don't have this experience even when they have 15, 20 or more years between them.

I do think there can be some negative motivations behind age disparate relationships- like trophy wives, etc. Or one's ego being wrapped up in seeing a much younger person. And my guess is that those people have always had problems with relationships that have nothing to do with age variables.

It is the whole judgement thing that I wish we wouldn't get involved with- I really try to just get to know people and not put my personal values on them- they are not me.

[Bard]

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I sure hope I didn't offend anyone.

The issue I took, with contemplating dating this younger girl, is mainly because she's still in that "player" mindset, and whether she realises it or not - she comes off as someone who's only interested in one thing. I'm a lady, I have a lot of class (despite what others may assume) and I've just grown out of that. I'm not saying I want a relationship, but I certainly don't want to be "just another girl."

If that makes sense?

It is not that I was offended I just get cranky when people judge or are in a way condescending of the age difference. to me love is hard to find harder to hold. I have been through a lot with Desd in a way she heals the parts in me that are broken she understands me and judges me not she gets me it is kind of like to lost ships that collided she is a old soul and me I am kind of peter pan.. My daughter loves Desd and yes my kiddo is young only 7. but yes the may - december romance is not for everyone but I have seen enough to know you dont spit in the face of love. so I will walk this path with Desd with my head held high in May of 2012 with both of our family and many friends by our sides we will be bound together and I will commit to her all that I am >>> the poor dear

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I'm not the type of person who judges anyone; I suppose I'm just pretty clear on what I want, whether I'm dating someone or trying to develop a relationship. I've found that in my age bracket, dating someone younger isn't an option for me. At least, not someone who's significantly younger, because I do hold a place in my heart for a girl who's twenty-one <3 I think it just depends on the person, really, but I also believe that someone who's nineteen and doesn't really have a lot of experience with life... wouldn't mesh with me, so to speak

I am getting to know this person who's 29 and so far I just adore her Dating someone who is older than me, has always been a positive experience, and I just see it as what works for me - just as it may not work for someone else. We're all different, hey?

[PumaJ]

This is really such a personal issue, isn't it?

It is my belief that we are each Spiritual Beings inhabiting human bodies living lives over time, in the mundane. As Beings of Spirit we are ageless. However, all too obviously, that is not the case with the human bodies we inhabit and that is where I see the issues of maturity coming into the picture.

For myself, sometimes the daily stuff of life in the mundane overwhelms the knowingness of my self as a Being of Spirit. I hope always that I am never so overwhelmed that my knowingness is obscured so totally that I forget the truth of who I am or become unable to see the truth that others are also Beings of Spirit living human lives.

Those that I've been in intimate relationships with have tended to have a similar view. Not, always, though. But I think that with such a view it would be easier to love across differences in age.

Speculation only on my part at this point, because I don't have any real time experience in the area of big age differences, and I'm not looking for love or an intimate relationship at this time. I can say, however, that in the past, my view has afforded me the opportunity to love across the lines of race, religion, culture and economic background.

[daisygrrl]

I truly empathize with Dixie’s post. I am more attracted to “older” partners; and it has always been. When I began college, my parents laughed and said that I was going to marry one of my professors. Since then, three of my partners and I have shared approximately 22-24-year age gaps.

True, “maturity” (a term that is subjective) is not defined by age; however, I do agree that many experiences come with age—simply by virtue of time. However, everyone is different—and has encountered different experiences, some of which “mature” our outlook “earlier.”

As for the retirement issue, I would also like to mention that is also an issue of socioeconomics. Sadly, not everyone has the luxury to retire. And, like Puma, I have dated and befriended individuals from various cultures, classes, etc.; I firmly believe that “differences” do not necessarily have to be gaps to conquer—but actually can be appreciated (and this goes for age and experiences).

Some relationships work, and some do not; I can see where some issues that may be age-related may make a relationship less successful—but those situations are going to depend on the individuals (her/his/hys/ze’s wants, needs, goals, etc.).

Just a few of my thoughts

[princessbelle]

I pretty much have always dated older people. Not way older but roughly my age or a couple of years older. Younger is ok to. I guess i pretty much think 5-6 years either way is really close enough to be considered "my age".

But more than that.....it would be more of a cultural difference that i would be more worried about than anything. Music, movies, sayings and memories of even political events would be lost and it would feel weird to say, explain to someone what watergate was or whatever.

So, IMO 6 either way ok. Anything more? Would have to really be something special.....really, really, really special.

[Daywalker]

Age was not an issue in my last relationship...until she made it one.

Almost 13 years older than I, she began to convince herself that she was too
old to hang out with our friends anymore, etc, etc. I rode out the Menopause
issues (hers) for a year n a half. She never crawled out of the icky parts of it.

She took anti-depressants, and a few other medications for various things.
After dealing with lack of intimacy for almost a year and a half ~ we became
estranged and I could no longer handle the 'reasoning' behind her not taking
action to improve the lack of intimacy. There was a pill she could take to
improve what the other pills were killing, her sex drive.

She said 'I already take so many other pills...'.

That one hurt me inside. I slept on the couch for over a year.

All in all, it began with her making our age difference...an issue.

I wish her well n stuff, but she made it an
issue and allowed it to dwindle us from there.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Daywalker

Age was not an issue in my last relationship...until she made it one.

Almost 13 years older than I, she began to convince herself that she was too
old to hang out with our friends anymore, etc, etc. I rode out the Menopause
issues (hers) for a year n a half. She never crawled out of the icky parts of it.

She took anti-depressants, and a few other medications for various things.
After dealing with lack of intimacy for almost a year and a half ~ we became
estranged and I could no longer handle the 'reasoning' behind her not taking
action to improve the lack of intimacy. There was a pill she could take to
improve what the other pills were killing, her sex drive.

She said 'I already take so many other pills...'.

That one hurt me inside. I slept on the couch for over a year.

All in all, it began with her making our age difference...an issue.

I wish her well n stuff, but she made it an
issue and allowed it to dwindle us from there.

This brings up something I have been thinking about- I wonder if the "older" person has more "issues" around age difference?

This could just be part of all that goes with aging. For example, I have heard from older friends that started dating someone quite a bit younger 9talking 15-20 + years right now) that they don't trust in the relationship because "she will eventually find someone younger and leave anyway." Or, they feel (LOL, as we do realize our bodies are changing) that there will be serious differences in physical activity levels as time goes on, including sexual desire, etc. Then, there are the life stage issues I brought up- getting to a different place in terms of work/careers and how we want to spend time as we age. And, as you bring up, Daywalker- menopause! It ain't fun 9for either partner) most of the time.

I think that are also "social norms" that can be involved, too. How many times have you heard a person make a negative remark about a couple with many years between them- like "look at that old fart with that young thing." On the other side, the younger person can be put down because she is a "gold digger." Then there are the women that have been dumped by men in het marriages after many years when the husband takes off with the young secretary. just people making remarks about how they don' get why the younger person could possibly touch the older one- people are pretty cruel and judgemental.

How these kinds of things cut across our B-F dynamic could differ, but there is a "age" thing in our culture that isn't very accepting of relationships with huge age differences.

With all of the points we are bringing up, it seems to me that yes, it is really a personal choice and we all have things we would accept or not. But, I bet in general, the older person has many more issues with the age difference- and insecurities about how it will work out. I could be very wrong- so I'd like to hear from others about this.

[MsTinkerbelly]

My ex-husband is the same age as I am, and my Kasey is 8 1/2 years older. Age isn't a problem; although, I personally am not attracted to younger people than myself.

[Blue_Daddy-O]

Age isn't an issue until issues come up! LoL. But as long as each person is commited to working through whatever may come up, the age gap doesn't have to be an issue.

[citybutch]

Just wait until you are getting your AARP card... THEN you will feel like you are 24!

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I'm 24 years old, and I feel a lot older spiritually, if that makes any sense

[wolfbittenpoet]

I want my aarp card. It has such beautiful discounts.