This side of Heaven

[Sweet Bliss]

Although sometimes cheesy and sometimes lame,
All my prose is not the same.

When I get the urge to cry,
which feels like needles in my eyes.

You'll always know it's my own words,
that scream injustice on your screen.

When my loins catch fire too,
the world will know I speak of YOU.

Others prose may fit the bill,
but mine are honest, true enough,

Stolen words are weak willed.

[Sweet Bliss]

As my memory trickles down that primrose path
we know so well
Recalling bits of conversations on the phone
On email
texts
letter
I am drawn to hints of connection
missed at the time.

Missed my time, missing time.
Time spent in my head
Not our bed
My head.

[Sweet Bliss]

Not feeling very poetic today.

Big dog pulled me down so hard and fast this morning didn't realize I was down until the pain in my arm from scraping the rough utility rug permeated my dull brain. Then the scary pain in my chest started to rise.

Have been out of it all day. Not a good day.

Sucks living with someone who doesn't give a shit when you are flipping out on the inside. Don't feel safe expressing my fear and pain. More suckage.

Pathetic way to live don't you think?

I lie to myself and say it would be worse if I was alone. Truth is I am always alone. Even when she sits staring at her ipad 4 ft away. Never speaking more than a few disjointed thoughts since 10 pm. It's almost one thirty. Since 2009 I have not met anyone in person that can carry on a conversation when technology is in the same room.

How ridiculous is that? Geezus... Soren and I would read to each other at night. I would crochet, or she would work on carving a walking stick as I read to her. Such a simple act of loving intent. I miss that. Quality time. Sharing ideas, philosophy, personal epiphanies, childhood experiences, fantasy future happenings. Isn't there even one person out there who wants a lover AND a companion? I can live without mind blowing sex, material things, fabulous vacations, nice cars, a house. Don't miss what you've never had. I cannot live much longer without true companionship. I'm just plain fucked aren't I?

[Sweet Bliss]

*Dramatic Golden Flounce deleted by Admin*

[Sweet Bliss]

Well, isn't that interesting.

Last post was the anniversary of my Mother's death in 2008.


Ever noticed that about yourself? The circular motion of our lives?

The constant repetition.


Anniversary of my Father's death will be here in August.



I so miss them both.

[Sweet Bliss]

Well, emptied out 7 storage tubs packed up 4, two bags of trash, and one bag for donations. Taking a hard look at all my craft supplies... think someone else could put them to better use.

Packed up my stained glass pieces.

getting closer to done.

closer to gone.

[Sweet Bliss]

Okay, goofed off all weekend. Time to buckle down.

What a mess I have made. oh well. My mess, my respond ability to clean.

I'm a little cupcake short and sweet,
here is my icing, here is my cake.
Take a little bite dear,
don't be shy,
here are some apples,
let's make pie.

[Sweet Bliss]

I got to bet that your old man
Became fascinated with his own plan
Turned you loose, your mama too
There wasn't a thing that you could do

But I got faith in you
It's a razor love that cuts clean through
I got faith in you
It's a razor love that cuts clean through

You really made my day
With the little things you say
Looking through the window at a silhouette
Trying to find something, I can't find yet

Imagination is my best friend
Got to look out for the greedy hand, greedy hand
Make a living like a rolling stone on the road
There's no place like home, silhouettes on the window

Who was it made your eyes flicker like that
Tell me baby, how'd you get the knack
You came to me with open arms
And I really took you down the track

Now all I've got for you
Is the kind of love that cuts clean through
All I got for you is razor love
It cuts clean through

You really made my day
With the little things you say
Now I'm looking through the window at a silhouette
Trying to find something I can't find yet

Imagination is my best friend
Got to watch out for the greedy hand, greedy hand
Make a living like a rolling stone on the road
There's no place like home, silhouettes on the window

You really make my day
With the little things you say

Razor Love by Neil Young

[Sweet Bliss]

you know that commercial where Grandma falls and can't get up??? That was me this evening. Laid on the floor crying for about 45 minutes.... cats just watching me.... so helpful. Tater ran to get roomie to help,..... but of course she didn't understand why he was just sitting in front of her and looking at her with his big brown eyes.

Sophie, my 85 lb goober girl, laid on the floor with me.... licking away my tears laying her giant body next to mine..... preventing shock I'm sure.

After all the tears and holding my left arm, Sophie wedged her big body under me to hold me up and steady me so I could stand again.... That is love in action...

Just in case you were wondering....

[Sweet Bliss]

So day four of my hospital stay. After all that surgery 8 hours worth in 2012, my bypass grafts are dead or dying. Have one left. barely. so here I sit on the edge of a hospital bed. filled with tears and grief yesterday after receiving the news.... today just acceptance.

cause what else is there but acceptance? nothing.

not a damn thing. can't operate again. can't replace them. stints may cause more damage. so it's just wait and see what tomorrow brings.

that's it in a nutshell isn't it?

see what tomorrow brings.

[Sweet Bliss]

Does it mean anything if your Father does not know your birthdate?

[Sweet Bliss]

[Sweet Bliss]

Got my second opinion today.
Same prognosis
can't repair or redo the surgery..
They are willing to do the stint, just one. one of my artery grafts is stuck to my chest wall, not good.but it is the one keeping me alive today. another graft is shriveled and not working... since my arteries are so small, they will not risk another surgery. I will end up with the same result.
So now I need to decide if I want to risk having the one stint put in my bad artery.
So I will pray on it.
Supposedly it will prolong my life.
Not the news I had prayed for. But it is the news I received, so now comes the fun part
yep
Acceptance.
Say Good night Gracie

[Sweet Bliss]

I'm still alive.... Talking to a nice butch..... As usual a zillion miles from me.... LmAo


Why does this keep happening?


Crazy about me for now, wants to visit.... Never gonna happen.


Why do I even bother???

1. I crave a kind human voice.
2. Wth
3. Cats know all my stories by heart
4. I get to flirt

That's it.... That's a!l I have for a topic tonight. Say good night Gracie.

[Sweet Bliss]

When am I going to learn to STOP doing more than I should??

Nursing a strained chest again. From lifting plywood half sheets into the bus, omg, ouch.

oh well.

[Sweet Bliss]

Ever just go window shopping?? Was trying on some prescription eye glass frames, omg, I think I actually looked sexy in them. Lol. So for 180 bucks I can look sexy.
Next life maybe. lol.
So shaved my head. Bought eyeliner, shadow, new mascara. Found missing earrings, decided to pack a few baskets/bags and move into Grace with MiMi, Bella, Bink and Zoe and Tater. Order the Carburetor and put it in. Next month I will fill up the gas tank and head out. No, I have no idea which direction. Will depend on the weather. And if I can find some good stoneware clay. To make my ceramic wood burning stove.
Just entering my Feral Life.


Now I'm serious dating material don't you think?
LmAo

[Sweet Bliss]

It's a quiet Saturday morning, rain is falling on the roof, but the sound is coming from the drops hitting the skylight in the laundry room. Tater is digging a hole to China in the love seat, under the quilt, squiggeling to get as close to me as possible. So cute he is, 5 pounds of pure love and adoration. The cats have decided they HAD to go outside.... I have no idea why.

Very few know the mind of a cat. It is not I.

The rain is pounding now, I can hear the staccato through the heavy hurricane windows T had put in a couple of years ago. I have the back den door open so I can see the rain outside the storm door. I love the rain. Hard, soft, gentle, fierce.... it reminds me of our emotions, always changing, sometimes refreshing and cleansing and at times fierce and frightening. We are blessed and cursed with our seasons of moods. At times wanting to go completely numb and others wanting them to never end.... but they do, they always do.... only to recycle and return with a vengeance or a whisper.

As I sit next to little Tater, curled next to my side, MiMi and Bink are hogging the ottoman, curled in classic cat Zen pose is MiMi, and to her right is Bink, grooming her lush black fur, slowly, deliberately, with a single purpose. An oversize mug with dancing pigs printed on the white ceramic too hot to touch sits to my left. I await with morning breath to taste the dollop of heavy cream and pink stuff mixed with Java joy juice washing away the sleepy leftovers of dreams. Restless dreams, moving across an invisible landscape, an impossible journey of the unconscious restless mind.

The rain has stopped and started again....a lone bird cries out to it's brethren hoping to find companionship in the cool weather and grey sky.

Reaching for the steaming mug I am reminded of the heat of love's first embrace. The pull of the heart strings as the chaos of emotions flood my body. The first touch of a tiny hand, gripping my littlest finger like a drowning soul...insisting.. tugging...demanding attention, affection, adoration, as it floods through my heart and soul, spilling into the tiny form I called mine. Mine. All Mine.

Time passes and the realization that the tiny form has evolved into a separate being crashes through my psyche, in disbelief I struggle to maintain what is Mine,. Mine. Mine. Exert control, demands, punishment, love, affection, gifts, ..... it's all for naught. Mine for a time, not forever. Mine to hold for a time, not forever. Mine to love forever. The love is forever. The Mine is temporary.

The Lover's first embrace, full of expectation and delight, hot like a fresh pot of coffee, slowly cooling to a carafe of ..... companionship? regrets? lessons? relief? trust? friendship? truce? Each dissolves over time.... leaving an imprint on my skin. A tattoo if you will. Each telling a story that could be true or not.

The pale brown elixir is now tepid....fitting don't you think? The falling rain calls my name..... come, come Sister, rejoice in the life you live, dance with me.... You are Mine and I am Yours

[Sweet Bliss]

[Sweet Bliss]

Poor Thursday. Passed over on the way to Friday. Never appreciated for patiently waiting to trudge up the hump challenge of Wednesday, the taunts of Tuesday and let us not forget Maudlin Monday, The day filled with the angst of losing the weekend hold to paying bills, providing pet food and treats, a utility bill or two and occasional meal out.

Thursday brings the promise of another two day respite of free time to sleep late, visit friends, long walks with beloved pets, mindless time with a hot cuppa, a pastry or breakfast burrito, and a much deserved NAP or two.

I lift my cuppa today for Thursday, a day without ego, a gift, a promise.

[Sweet Bliss]

No, not gonna happen, it's another of my fantasy stories. I'm still blocked, he is not trying to reconnect.
How can I be so smart and so stupid at the same time? It is so easy. It's a gift.

At 61, still single, still looking for love in all the wrong people, that's the hardest i think. knowing that in all this time still never connecting to that kindred spirit. still not having anyone to kiss goodnight that wants that kiss every night.

The funny part is that in 2009 I stopped looking. I found him. He found me. We knew. We just knew. I'm still not looking. He is it for me. The One and Only.

Fast forward to 2018. He has me blocked on FB. Closed his email. No reason. No rhyme. Just shut and locked all the doors. Not even a fuck off. wtf?

I guess if we don't find it in our 20's or 30's or 40's we are not ever going to have that knowledge, that special bond with someone. The clock has stopped ticking, stopped keeping the pace....

lmao, .... No Virgina, there is NOT someone for everyone.
Even when you believe it with your whole heart and soul.
Like you did at age four.

The end.