What is Forgiveness?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Forgiveness is not easy. Not by a long shot. For example, I was falsely accused of raping a woman at work. No lie. She went to management and claimed I put my hands all over her, and I raped her. Well, they took her statement. Next they called me in, and took my statement. It was short and sweet. It read "I was working on the dock. The videotape of me is in security. It verifies my location. In addition, at that particular time frame, I was signing in from Fed. Express the Viagra cartons. The carbon copies are in xyz's in-box." So, it was a bogus claim against me. Do I forgive the woman who did this to me? Yep. I forgive her. But I do not forgive what she said to management and all the other people (gossip). That is going to take a while. I just have prayers to say for her, and leave it at that. She ruined my character and reputation. Why? Who knows why anyone does anything anymore these days.

Andrew

[Jess]

I tend to put my areas of forgiveness in two different areas. Minor and major. The lesser transgressions are easier for me to forgive others or myself for. It sometimes takes a little time and deep breathing techniques, but usually I am able to move on.. make amends to self and others where I can and resume life as usual.

The major ones may take longer and some I admittedly have still not "let go " of yet. Usually these involve breech of trust. Trust is my most difficult thing to deal with. When it has been broken or damaged it is incredibly hard for me to move beyond that into forgiveness. Even when I am able to finally say "ok, I forgive", like Lady Snow said, I still don't forget and still have issue trusting again.

I know that holding on to resentments and ill feelings only serves to make me ill in both spirit and body. I am still working on it.

[Blade]

Originally Posted by hpychick

How can it be that we find it most difficult to forgive ourselves? Is it because we know what goes on in our minds after we thought we forgave someone or a situation, or yes, even ourselves?

I'm fine for a while and then a situation arises or a phone call comes in or a letter in the mail - and all of it comes bubbling back to the surface. Sometimes slowly - at 211 (right before the boiling point) - and sometimes ferociously, like an irate volcano.

There are nights I cry myself to sleep because I can't believe I'm still holding on. I cry because I am not free. I cry because I know, deep inside, there's a reason that I don't forgive.

There is the constant shadow following me, that walks in line with mine. One day I will turn around and it will be gone.

I'm walking that line with you here on the last 2 paragraphs hpychick. Great post!

Originally Posted by Jess

I tend to put my areas of forgiveness in two different areas. Minor and major. The lesser transgressions are easier for me to forgive others or myself for. It sometimes takes a little time and deep breathing techniques, but usually I am able to move on.. make amends to self and others where I can and resume life as usual.Me too Jess, most things that happen are easy for me to forgive. I believe in "this too shall pass" especially on the small stuff

The major ones may take longer and some I admittedly have still not "let go " of yet. Usually these involve breech of trust. Trust is my most difficult thing to deal with. When it has been broken or damaged it is incredibly hard for me to move beyond that into forgiveness. Even when I am able to finally say "ok, I forgive", like Lady Snow said, I still don't forget and still have issue trusting again.
I feel this too Jess, I'm all about some trust and have issues with folks who breach that trust. Forgiveness of this type takes me a while
I know that holding on to resentments and ill feelings only serves to make me ill in both spirit and body. I am still working on it.

I'm working hard in this area, I know what anger and resentment does to me personally in spirit and body. Working on it and making progress feels so good and then there is the day that like hpychick said just something happens out of the blue that kicks you back a few rungs and you almost feel like you are starting all over

[Andrew, Jr.]

Let me explain myself a bit more. It may make better sense.

I believe in forgiveness. That is a gift that I give to myself. I am not so much bitter as I am angry (do I have the definitions of the words wrong?). I do have a very strong desire to heal my heart and soul. Forgiveness is not a stumbling block for me. Forgiveness is a means of letting go. It isn't a one time deal. It is a process that I have done with therapy and on my own. And the one thing everyone seems to forget is that it takes time and patience to deal with the past. But the now and future is brighter and wonderful. Life is good!

[JinxdGirl]

I forgave and forgive..
because if I didn't and don't, you win.
because I refuse to care enough about you to hold on to hate and ill-will.
because you took too many of my years and I'm taking what's left for me.

[AtLast]

What is forgiveness....

For me is is human growth, peace of mind and detoxification in my life. To harbor resentment only blocks my being able to attain balance. I just won't allow those that have trangressed against me any more of my time or emotional energy. Rather give this to others that have character and practice integrity.

[Corkey]

Forgiveness isn't something you give to another, it is something you allow yourself to partake.

[Laerkin]

What a powerful thread. I feel so inspired by many of these words.

I had to chew for awhile...

Forgiveness is healing, acceptance, compassion.

Forgiveness is surrendering to things outside of your control to allow room for growth and movement forward.

Forgiveness is hard and painful sometimes, but the only way to release yourself from a situation and learn from it.

Forgiveness is more about the heart than the mind, like a salve for the soul.

Forgiveness is something I strive to give easily because I hope others will grant me the room to make mistakes and forgive me my wrongs.

[RockOn]

It has been my experience that, in certain situations, it can be a long time coming. Even so, I feel so much better when I can forgive someone, give them a break.

[MrSunshine]

It's just letting shit go. Either you can or you can't.

[BarbaraRyan]

I think it's about choice, empowerment, and moving forward. It's the part in the process where we can stand up, acknowledge what's happened, and how it's affected us. Then, we choose to say "Okay, I can forgive that - now it's time for me to make my life and to no longer let the event or person have any control."

And it's easier said than done.

[Talon]

Forgiveness is freedom for you...as long as you've taken the lesson from it.

[Ginger]

I don't think forgiveness is always necessary or even beneficial.

Indifference and letting go is where I find peace, when a relationship ends and the dynamic can't be fixed in order for the relationship to morph into something else.

And I also want to say, indifference isn't the same as wishing someone harm, or hating them. It's what happens when letting go reaches a certain ultimate point. It isn't cold or mean, it just is.

On the other hand, if I want to continue in a relationship with a person who has transgressed against me in some egregious way, forgiveness might open the door to trust. It's a way of saying, "I'm not mad at you anymore" but also there is this tacit agreement: "and I trust you not to do that harmful thing again."

If I want to be friends with someone who did something hurtful to me, I can sometimes just avoid the situations in which that might happen again. With family, for example, I avoid certain conversational topics, and don't ask for what I know I won't get, emotionally.

Is that forgiveness? No, I don't think so. It's protecting myself from toxins in order to continue having contact with that person or persons. It's a kind of trade-off, one I've decided is worth the effort.

I guess I just don't like the whole vibe happening around the term "forgiveness." It sounds religious to me, and I'll admit anything with a religious tone turns me off so take that with a grain of salt.

Here's part of what Wiki says:

"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution."

So I guess they're saying forgiveness is the letting go of "resentment, indignation or anger," which I'm all for—(it erodes your health, for one thing, to stay mad), but that doesn't mean, the relationship has to pick up where it left off. It can end, continue, whatever, after forgiveness happens.

Here's what I just realized; forgiveness often implies that the forgiver is somehow morally superior to the person being forgiven. That just bugs me.

[Nat]

I grew up not really knowing what forgiveness was. My mom hasn't been much of a forgiver - she holds grudges for so long only the sands of time can wear them away. Or she'll find an excuse for a person's behavior and just rationalize it away. Which has been my main way of avoiding forgiveness too. Or, I'll blame myself for whatever was done.

I'm stuck on my 4th step in OA because I seriously don't like thinking that I resent anybody. I'd rather excuse people for their behavior and anesthetize myself in various ways. Or take the blame for bad behavior of others.

For a long time, I thought forgiveness was something you gave to another person, like bequeathed to them like a gift. But there's a guided meditation I do sometimes regarding debt, and the person recommends that if you want to get rid of your debt, you need to look at the people you see as owing you, and just imagine them being absorbed in white light and disappearing. A friend laughed when I told her this and said, "I'd rather visualize pushing them down the stairs!" Anyway, it may sound cheesy, but whether or not you visualize a person disappearing into white light, I think it's good to remember we are all human and it's helpful sometimes to just write off the debt instead of carrying it around in the books forever. I don't think forgiveness has to come with trust or even renewed friendship. It *can* but I don't think it has to.

[UofMfan]

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!