I kinda feel like we are, too. I also am starting to feel a little schizophrenic because I'm having a number of conversations about this in different places. I would encourage those of you PM'ing me to post here because I think it would lead to some good conversations. (Not to mention, make me look a less crazy.)

At the core, I think we all have certain assumptions about what b-f community is and who is a part of it. My assumption is that the active members of this site will primarily be butch or femme and that their primary attractions will be to butches or femmes. I also assume that there are a number of people here that may not currently ID as butch or femme but have had some type of history with the community, or history of a b-f identity, to feel a sense of belonging here.

I do not assume that there are a significant number of heterosexual cis men actively participating here or that they are here in search of heterosexual cis women to partner with. I guess I'm trying to figure out if you're saying that we should assume that or that we should just not have assumptions about anything ever here.

Just for the record... yep except it wasn't really about straight men, but a response to you're questions why does the community use the word "transman" instead of man when referring to men of trans experience and also why femmes may be attracted to transmen but not cis straight men.

Ok, that's outta the way...

.... the continuation...
 

I would be more suspect, even if the cis het man said he was exploring (questioning) his cis het male status and it would have zero to do with "who's welcome here" or not.

I don't like that it's that way but considering the history of online sexual predators of which the vast majority are male (I think it's like 99% but know it's like upper 90th percentile), coupled with men who find lesbianism, or female queers arousing, add the plethora of porn available depicting the rapes of lesbians and the history of violence against women by males... etc. etc. etc. I believe there's adequate well documented reasons for more concern as to why a cis het male would be cruising for these sites.

I think it would be a bad idea for us to just put our guard down and swing our arms open and hey, meet ya for coffee type interaction we more normally are able to enjoy with each other.

If he did say he was questioning I would absolutely be welcoming, but I would be have a good deal of caution in my mind whether I like it or not. The society we live in has shown extremely clearly over and over why we should be more cautious of men, as a female, than I would around other females.

It's unfortunate yes, especially if he's really questioning, It's not pretty but I don't think it's sexist, we're not responsible for that type of reaction to the situation. Other men who've perpetuated the violence and created that history and hence ingrained reaction are responsible.

I want to make clear I responding to why a cis het man would "be more suspect" than a cis het female or responded to perhaps differently. Not whether they should be welcomed on the site.

*Sam... not to be completely derailing... to you're OP. I personally don't have any issues with transmen who feel a connection to this community dating within it but yeah I'm sure some do.

To me it should be obvious that in that connection is the reason for their being here and belonging here just as much as anyone else with that connection.

I hate the "who belongs here" conversations (not in this context Sam ;)) because I think that's for the individual to decide for themselves whether the feel a part of it, it's a personal thing and not up for anyone else to say what anyone is or feels.

Sorry you've had that experience.

Metro

Great Post!!!!

this is a great dialog because you are NOT narrow minded. I truly wish there were more people out there that actually could stop and think about ID's.

We all ID as someone, be it trans, male, butch, femme, queer and SO ON...

But the community has a foundation, and we all need to connect in the way our minds want to connect.

To me this is a no-brainer-

Why do people do anything we don't understand? I don't understand certain relationship dynamics and choose not to participate in them, but not much surprises me these days. This is not to be obnoxious, I promise... I am not into the diaper fetish-not my cup of tea, but I've poked around on some sites because over the years because I'm oddly intrigued by what the "draw" is...

Also, I have some het friends who have asked me numerous questions over the years about me/my community/my identity. I have of course, dialogued with them...but I also have told them about the site(s) I participate in and who knows maybe they joined to educate themselves? I am taking the greater good side, here...and I am sure there are weirdos who join the site for some creepy fetish or to be an asshat.

Ditto this. Sometimes I feel like we go around and around doing the:

What if ________?
What about _________?

Of the 1200 members of the site, what if ONE person was offended by the word: PINK; are we going to ban the word PINK because one person might fly off the handle? When it is not a word that has ever been thought of as offensive? Or even the word Gay. Some don't like it, some might even feel it is offensive, but what does the MAJORITY feel? We get so much into the "one in a million" conversations that to me, it becomes pointless. I'm not saying we shouldn't be sensitive and recognize our behavior and language, but this "extreme case" kind of dialoguing is so laborious.

As I've been thinking about this more over the last couple of days, I think for me it just gets back to that question of belonging. Looking back at the original post, it does kind of come down to that. "Do I belong here if..."

For so long, many of us, have felt excluded from so many different communities that there is a regular (if not constant) need for validation that I fit here and can claim this community as my own. I also think that we work so hard at being inclusive of every different ID that it starts to sound "bad" if we exclude anyone. The just plain truth of the matter is that, in my opinion, this site is not a place where straight, cis gendered men belong.

I'm not naive enough to think that they would never be here, whether that's just in passing, lurking or actually creating a user account and participating on some level. The anonymity of the Interwebs allows anyone to be anything and I'm sure there are some guys who come here thinking it's a porn site and decide it would be fun to stick around. The thought is a little creepy to me because I tend to think everyone is who they say they are but, again, I'm not naive enough to think it doesn't happen. I also think that if someone where to out themselves as a straight, cis gendered male that we would be respectful of whatever situation brought them here and, if nothing else, point them in directions that may more closely resemble what they were looking for in the first place.

But, I don't think I would go so far as to welcome them and try to convince everyone that we should be inclusive of them in some way. And I think that's perfectly ok.

For me there is a difference..

A cis het woman who is married may be questioning her sexuality and may be here to learn, to see if this is her community..

I used to be one of those, so to me her coming to question makes sense..

A cis het guy could not say the same thing in the same way... I would question a cis het guywho was questioning his sexuality joining a site where the predominate members are gay/queer woman (cis and trans) or guys who were born biologically female. I would think that he would visit male gay sites.

I would have issues with a cis het guy coming in and demanding space here.. I mean, left freaking face it.. The world is their playground.. Our space is pretty precious to me...