[Plato]

Originally Posted by adorable

Some people do not have moments of clarity. In order for someone to change they have to understand the wrong. Just because SOME people have that ability doesn't mean that all do. I'm sure that in recovery you've heard "The capacity to be honest..." Not every addict or alcoholic has it. Everyone will eventually walk away from them and they will end up institutionalized, in jail or dead. This stems from CHOICES that they made.

With mental illness there is no choice to be made. Nor is there in developmental disability or some brain injuries or some disorders. That motivation to change that you speak of only comes with the ability to understand the underlying need for change - a level of self awareness that comes with the ability to rationalize and understand behavior and an ability to control that behavior. Also known as hitting bottom. It can be relative to the person that you are dealing with for lots of different reasons. Not everyone is aware and I promise that all the yelling in the world will not make someone able to understand when that ability doesn't exist. I think it's self centered to think that because I am enlightened - that I get it - everyone else must too so they must be making a choice to piss me off, annoy me, not act right.....then I can take that one step further and hold the world accountable to MY standard of right and wrong.

I have the luxury of choice. I can wake up tomorrow and CHOOSE how I will conduct myself in public. How I will interact with people, how I will wear my hair and what color my nails will be. I will choose to walk out the door just once. But what if I wake up tomorrow and believe that if I don't walk out the door perfectly 15 times that I will die? What if I can't walk out the door perfectly? What if you think that is stupid? Is it better to scream at me that it's stupid, cause me internal panic and conflict then force me out the door anyway because YOU know and that shit ain't gonna fly with you? People can and do kill themselves to stop the torment.

What if I believe that there are people who are trying to kill me? There is no uncertainty. I know it. I hear people that I know whispering that in my ears. I can smell the fear in a room. I see smoke. It's real to people who feel it, who see it. That is their reality. Go ahead and tell them they have a choice to come out from behind the couch. That it's not true. That no one is trying to kill them - it's all make believe. Then, come back and let me know how that worked out for you. I can tell you how it ends.

Or tell someone who is really 13 years old, even though she looks much older that she needs to put down her cell phone and get back to work. Tell her 30 times. Hell, go ahead and tell her 100 times. Treat her the same as everyone else. Rules are rules. Fire her for not listening like a 25 year old should listen because YOU said so. Sorry. That doesn't work for me. She is not 25, her brain doesn't function at the same level. There are rules for our society. By our societal standards she shouldn't even have a job. She can't even chew with her mouth closed. Not because she doesn't know she should, but because her brain can't focus on chewing AND keeping her mouth closed. That isn't funny. That is her reality. I celebrate her ability to have a job at all. I focus on what she does right. I will tell her and try to guide her, but telling someone all about themselves and their shortcomings when they don't have the ability to understand - seems abusive. Who really gets something out of that?

I wouldn't give someone making a choice to do something destructive a pass in the same way. I am talking about the ability to think, understand, comprehend and possession of a critical thinking ability. Not everyone has it. It's rather easy and privileged to think everyone should.

To me it similar to thinking everyone should just speak English or just move out of the projects if they want a better life. It IS that easy right? Wouldn't the world be a better place if people just "got it" and didn't live to annoy the rest of us people with all of our smarts and reasoning?

You're right. Not everyone has the capacity to be honest, or even kind, for that matter.

When in the company of someone who has a very different reality than mine, I do not insist on what is right or what is wrong. In fact, I take great effort to listen to their voices, see what they see, and understand what is real for them. That's not giving a pass. That is compassion and empathy.

Like water, the world seeks balance, not turmoil. Turmoil is caused when one person's/group's needs/desires are seen as more important, or more right, than all others.

Why would I insist on making someone chew with their mouth shut? If I know they are unable to perform a societal norm, my insistence would only be to make myself more comfortable. That would be me creating turmoil and not balance.

I choose to uphold my boundary and not face them when we eat together. (Gee, does this sound like an actual situation???)

If, during a moment of clarity, should such person ask me why I move or not sit facing them, I would say "Because I don't like to watch the food mush in your mouth".
My boundary remains intact and I have not made an insistence that they do something differently to make me more comfortable.
Their dignity remains intact because the asked question has been answered honestly.
To reply, "Oh do I?" or "No I don't" would be disrespecting the human being that they are. THAT is a pass/head-patting!!!!

... and why, oh why would I EVER act like I was okay with ANYONE who is abusive???
What am I demonstrating to our children when I do such a thing???