Quote:
Originally Posted by Pres
like most who have posted on this thread, i have struggled w/depression for most of my life, starting as a youngster. the first of my strokes didn't help, as it affected the part of the brain dealing w/emotions. now, in addition to situational depression, i have to deal w/intense depression that comes seemingly from nowhere and departs as mysteriously as it came.when younger, i was a cutter. that helped where no drugs and no psychotherapy did. i started almost by accident after finding out that ascratch on marm made me feel not better but in less psychic pain. from that i progressed to knives and finally to a razor blade. then cutting became dangerous, as i gradually lost my inner "stop" instinct. the cuts on my arms became deeper and more suicidal. i truly did not care whether i lived through them. one day,for no reason i can discern, i simply stopped cutting. the periods of depression still came and went, as intense as ever. no drugs touched them, nor did talk therapy. i looked back on cutting with an ache like that of missing a lost love. it WORKED in a way that nothing else did. still i did no cut, nor do i now. lately, however, in my darker days, cutting has regained its viability. i still do not do it, but it has become a possibility again. will i someday pick up mu razor blade again? i don't know but i could. i could.
pres 
|
Pres - Thank you for sharing so bravely. The first thing I would like to recommend is a good therapist, if you don't already have one. I know it may sometimes feel as if it does no good but I believe it does. I was in therapy for years, feeling like I was making no progress but the growth was so subtle that I could not see it at the time. Eventually, all my efforts accumulated and caught up with me, making the change joyfully evident. Plus, you just need to have someone neutral to talk to. And talk honestly!
I would also recommend a specific type of therapy to look into or ask your therapist about
: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that helps you literally re-train your brain and emotions to have healthy responses to stress and trauma. It's a lot of work but well worth it.
In the meantime, if you are feeling the urge to self-injure: set yourself up with alternatives in advance. Think of some safe things you can do to release instead of cutting. For a time, I regularly beat the shit out of a pile of cinder blocks in my back yard with a tree branch (I had to keep replacing the tree branch)! Make a list and write it down - so when your are in that head space you don't have to do anything but remember you have a list with options.
Above all, be kind and gentle with yourself - you deserve it. I wish you healing and comfort.
~ Ms. Meander