To Write Love on Her Arms

like most who have posted on this thread, i have struggled w/depression for most of my life, starting as a youngster. the first of my strokes didn't help, as it affected the part of the brain dealing w/emotions. now, in addition to situational depression, i have to deal w/intense depression that comes seemingly from nowhere and departs as mysteriously as it came.when younger, i was a cutter. that helped where no drugs and no psychotherapy did. i started almost by accident after finding out that ascratch on marm made me feel not better but in less psychic pain. from that i progressed to knives and finally to a razor blade. then cutting became dangerous, as i gradually lost my inner "stop" instinct. the cuts on my arms became deeper and more suicidal. i truly did not care whether i lived through them. one day,for no reason i can discern, i simply stopped cutting. the periods of depression still came and went, as intense as ever. no drugs touched them, nor did talk therapy. i looked back on cutting with an ache like that of missing a lost love. it WORKED in a way that nothing else did. still i did no cut, nor do i now. lately, however, in my darker days, cutting has regained its viability. i still do not do it, but it has become a possibility again. will i someday pick up mu razor blade again? i don't know but i could. i could.
pres

[Ms. Meander]

Originally Posted by Pres

like most who have posted on this thread, i have struggled w/depression for most of my life, starting as a youngster. the first of my strokes didn't help, as it affected the part of the brain dealing w/emotions. now, in addition to situational depression, i have to deal w/intense depression that comes seemingly from nowhere and departs as mysteriously as it came.when younger, i was a cutter. that helped where no drugs and no psychotherapy did. i started almost by accident after finding out that ascratch on marm made me feel not better but in less psychic pain. from that i progressed to knives and finally to a razor blade. then cutting became dangerous, as i gradually lost my inner "stop" instinct. the cuts on my arms became deeper and more suicidal. i truly did not care whether i lived through them. one day,for no reason i can discern, i simply stopped cutting. the periods of depression still came and went, as intense as ever. no drugs touched them, nor did talk therapy. i looked back on cutting with an ache like that of missing a lost love. it WORKED in a way that nothing else did. still i did no cut, nor do i now. lately, however, in my darker days, cutting has regained its viability. i still do not do it, but it has become a possibility again. will i someday pick up mu razor blade again? i don't know but i could. i could.
pres

Pres - Thank you for sharing so bravely. The first thing I would like to recommend is a good therapist, if you don't already have one. I know it may sometimes feel as if it does no good but I believe it does. I was in therapy for years, feeling like I was making no progress but the growth was so subtle that I could not see it at the time. Eventually, all my efforts accumulated and caught up with me, making the change joyfully evident. Plus, you just need to have someone neutral to talk to. And talk honestly!

I would also recommend a specific type of therapy to look into or ask your therapist about: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that helps you literally re-train your brain and emotions to have healthy responses to stress and trauma. It's a lot of work but well worth it.

In the meantime, if you are feeling the urge to self-injure: set yourself up with alternatives in advance. Think of some safe things you can do to release instead of cutting. For a time, I regularly beat the shit out of a pile of cinder blocks in my back yard with a tree branch (I had to keep replacing the tree branch)! Make a list and write it down - so when your are in that head space you don't have to do anything but remember you have a list with options.

Above all, be kind and gentle with yourself - you deserve it. I wish you healing and comfort.

~ Ms. Meander

[Andrew, Jr.]

I suffer from clinical depression since childhood. It is because when I was younger I realized I didn't have male body parts, and was female bodied. It tormented me. Plus add on the stress of having a very abusive, disfunctional family.

I had a younger brother who took his own life at 15 yo. My Grandparents and mother (mainly) have depression. Now I can sit back and observe my adult nieces and nephews. I see who is struggling with this disease, and some have come to us to talk about it. So there is a genetic or family history to this disease. I also have an older sister who is schizophrenic, and bi-polar. Thank God I am not bi-polar. I have lived with her and her mental illnesses growing up, and saw what it did to her. Beyond eye opening.

What I will never understand is the society put downs on those of us who take meds for depression. It is like being diabetic. Would you deny a diabetic insulen? No. So why deny a depressed person an anti-depressant? And why the negativity? I just am not understanding this what so ever.

Now I struggle with situational depression. I have OCD, ADHD, and a host of other neurological disorders from a head injury I sustained as an infant when I was dropped on my head by my older brother.

I wish more research was done on depression. It is a horrible disease. I would not wish this on a soul.

[Apocalipstic]

Anything that draws attention to depression is a great thing. So many of us suffer from it and its os great to see all the suppport here. Yes, a couple of people don't like it, but depression is like that isn't it?

[Andrew, Jr.]

I wish others would post about their experiences and feelings with depression. I heard on TV that it is the leading cause in the US of the use of anti-depressants and anxiety medicines.

[Starbuck]

I too have been diagnosed with major depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I have a long history of cutting my wrists as well, not to kill myself, but to feel something other than the anger in my soul. I've used razor blades 6 times to cut myself to the point that I've needed stitches to sew my gaping wounds back together. I didn't just scratch myself like some people like to do. I wanted to see blood rolling down my hand. My anger would block out the physical pain and I knew that when I saw the blood dripping, that's when I could stop. I'm not writing this to bullshit anyone, or to gross anyone out, this is my story of depression and PTSD.

My left wrist is just down right ugly. I had a large area of skin that almost died because it lost blood supply. Luckily the stitches closed it up well enough. My right wrist looks a bit better with only two parallel lines from one side of my wrist all the way across to the other side of
my wrist each...I did those on the same night. I was very angry that night. I'm left with permanent reminders of what I've done to myself and I wear bracelets to try and hide my scars.

You see, I didn't know how to express my emotions other than to hurt myself.
That is, until I went to a residential 6 week women's program for PTSD and depression. Therapists there used DBT, ACT, individual therapy, group therapy, and other methods to help me learn how to deal with my problems. Now I'm
not saying they're gone, but they are way better managed!

I still deal with situational depression and urges to cut, but my therapist reminds me that just
as the urge to cut comes in like a wave, it will flow out like a wave...and that helps me. I'm proud to say that this February will mark a two year anniversary since I last cut. My therapist and I have a "toolbox" or a plan of action to take to distract me when I have these urges to cut or when a depression come on. Usually all I need is someone to remind me what is "in my toolbox"; that way I don't have to think when I'm depressed...you can't think when you're like that!

Most everything in my toolbox is a right-brained activity. Something that requires you to be creative. I like to paint or do puzzles, word games like sudoku, etc. Those are perfect. I find that once I get started on one of those, my mind is fully enveloped in that activity and I forget what I was upset about.

I hope I haven't bored anyone with this story or triggered anyone, I did leave a warning up top In my mind, there is nothing wrong or bad seeing a therapist when you need to and there certainly isn't anything wrong with taking an antidepressant! Depression is as real a disease as heart disease or
diabetes. I go to the Veterans Hospital for my care, as I am a Veteran, and I love their mental health slogan: "It takes the strength of a soldier to ask for help".