Quote:
Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy
Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.
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Hi Prox...
I think it was softness who said that alcoholics can say they love you, but it isn't what you think it is. I believe that.
The part I highlighted in red speaks very loudly to me.
I had a person in my life for a number of years who was completely toxic. She's not on this site, just for the record. In retrospect, I know that she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with...and to this day I don't know whether it's a substance problem or a mental illness or what...
What I do know is that for several years, she dominated my life...all the time telling me that she loved me, needed me, couldn't function without me. I would drop everything for her...leave important work events to take her calls...talk to her for hours every night...listen to craziness you cannot imagine. I cared about her...and I believed it was mutual.
Reality is that she cared about herself, and the drama she was living inside...and that was all.
We were not lovers...but she also wouldn't leave any space in my life or emotions or psyche for anyone else either. She didn't want to be with me...but she did want me to always be available to her and caught up in her "stuff."
When I started putting limits on her, and setting up some boundaries that were healthy for me...she exploded.
When I persisted with the boundaries...she suddenly announced that she couldn't deal with having me in her life in any way. We never spoke again. We went from constant conversation that she couldn't live without....to nothing.
Just for me, someone who wants to dominate your life and leave you no emotional space to love someone else....but doesn't want to be with you themselves...doesn't really love you. That's control...not love...at least in my view.
You've had good advice here...be with friends, go to an Al-Anon meeting (or a bunch of them), talk to a counselor, take some time just for yourself. Block her calls...and if she still texts...change your phone number.
I wish you luck.
