[Firedance]

So, the thing is…

Since early childhood I have been really invested in having kids and giving them a good start in life. You know, the one I didn't get. I mean, I knew my parents had screwed up, but I thought the model, (Hetero) was the way to go. You know… One Dad, one Mom, both working together to create this safe time and place for the little ones to grow and develop. This is something I had to do. A deep need I have. To nurture life. And yeah, part of it is redemption… righting wrongs, Karmic balance taken into my own hands. A need to prove with my own life, my own actions that humanity IS a beautiful thing. To make that ultimate of optimistic bets, with the highest possible stakes. Life IS a thing of beauty. I had 4 children to prove this to the universe. My ultimate act of defiance. "I WILL bring these precious, helpless creatures into existence, and I will love, nurture, & protect them with every ounce of my strength. And it WILL BE enough.

I am gabling with their lives. I feel this tremendous pressure to NOT FUCK UP!!!

The attempt to fit myself into a mould that wasn't me was warping who I am. I've worked HARD, to put this smile on my face. I am a happy fucking person. I experience joy, and profound meaning in my daily life. Except I wasn't. I found myself expending more and more energy bottling up rage. Constant rage. Instead of knowing joy when I looked upon my children I started seeing little parasites that were going to drain me of myself. Needless to say, it wasn't them. It wasn't the guy I was with, (who may just deserve sainthood). It was me. It was living a lie so I could defy the universe. Except… it wasn't a lie exactly. I didn't know Femme was an option. And so did my best to live this life with all the integrity I could.

Even so…
I was losing me. I paid such a high price for self-hood. So I did it. I struck out on my own, terrified that I was ruining my children's existence. I knew I didn't know how to be a Good Mom on my own. But I knew I wasn't being a Good Mom as I was. And so I doubled down. I bet that I could be true to myself, that I could shatter my Hetero life, that I could rip apart the only family they have ever known, AND be a Good Mom. I bet that meeting my needs would end up being good for them too.

Together, their father and I kept their world together. The only thing I could think to do was maintain stability. They see their Mom and Dad every day. He and I work well together. While I tore my world down to the foundations and reexamined everything, while my life was utter chaos, their world was safe. Not unchanged, but safe, loved. Most of this last year it took every ounce of energy I had to be present. To shelter them … to make good on the bet I was suddenly unsure I could cover.

Now… I smile more, I laugh more. These days my smile is so genuine it stops strangers in their tracks, these days my walk is a dance to the song in my heart. And my kids, My Darling Precious, Gift-From-God Children, are what I see when I look down at their faces. I see the world-shattering gift of their unquestioning trust. My love for them carries all of us through the crying, the fits, the temper-tantrums, the sorrow that comes from learning life's hard lessons. My love for them soars with them in the middle of dinosaur-poop jokes. We fly together in the joy a piece of gum can bring, day after day. All of us, together, creating this family, that looks nothing like I thought it HAD to. Together, we knit together the fabric of FAMILY. Daily I show them what love is. That no matter what the subject, "Some people do, some people don't". that, "Nothing is more important than Family", and even Moms make mistakes, and they apologize when they do. That Nothing, NOTHING will ever stop my love, and that every aspect of who they are is no less than divinely inspired. Daily, I do my utmost to live up to the trust in their eyes.

These days being a Mom delights me, instead of draining me. More and more, I'm proud of the job I'm doing. Less and less, am I afraid of that unforeseeable giant fuck up that will ruin the rest of their lives. I am Emerging, and we are ALL ever so much better for it.

I KNOW there are more challenges in store for all of us in the future. Now, I have a measure of peace about those hurdles life is bound to throw at us. This foundation I am giving them is a good one. Their family is Rock-Fucking-Solid, our love for each other is unshakeable, and the only childhood they will ever know is one where they were loved, nurtured, and protected.

So yeah, you hear that Universe?!?!?
I win this fucking bet.
I am a Good Mom.
Humanity can be beautiful.