[mariamma]

I am scared of my Calling and have been actively avoiding it since I was 24. I'm scared because I'm alone in it (not really, *waves at fellow alien claybaby*) and I feel destined for a life of no money, no partner, no way out but writing and pulling myself up and hoping someone pays me for writing. Not writing what said person wants me to write (as in a job as a copywriter) but in writing what my spirit guide needs me to write.
It's in part because I want to be part of the Lesbian Intelligencia (the smart dykes club). And to be accepted, you have to earn money. Otherwise, you're invalid, a stay-at home mom, living off of someone else. Yet I am Priestess and have to live off what is freely given. That's how that system works. One cannot demand payment in currency. It has to be an energetically clean exchange of goods for services since I get info from spirits and as long as I have a smooth, clean connection, things work. If I'm stressed about money, trying to earn a certain amount a month, etc. that hormonal change decreases psychic connection and clarity of info. Specific, activation of the HPA axis and a spike in cortisol T unbalanced by other hormones.
It is my Calling to do the work of another, to collect info and write in honor of MamiWata (and GiftingMother), to bring back Shamanic tradition in women since connecting to the Source works via E (other hormones too but mostly E), to connect women to ourselves and all life thru promotion of energy work, to remind women of ancient Amazon traditions that we are still battling today (energy exchange, deforestation, global climate change, slavery, dishonoring of E and fear of E violence against LGBTQI people, exploitation versus fair-trade/organic/sustainable culture, etc.).
Most are here already. A daily spiritual practice (walking, yoga, meditation, dream work, dance, art, music, sex, etc.) is fundamental and many have a daily spiritual practice. Some have autoimmune diseases and need to become Rei Ki, Prana, energy practitioners in order to heal. A few will produce too much energy and feed spirits and demi-gods (and maybe they want to do other things with their energy).
I'm scared of my Calling because the first Goddess to claim me is MamiWata. She is twinned-souled, a mirror Who reflects back to you what you give Her. The second is Athena Who appeared from a crack of light before me, stepped out and sliced off my head with a huge sword, claiming "You are My woman! This (the head) is Mine. That (the body) is yours."
I'm scared yet I love MamiWata and Athena more than I can love a person. And They and my spirit guide who directs my life love me stronger than anyone ever has (I am one of those people who was unloved by my mother. luckily I was loved by my older sister. no one has come close to loving me as deeply as the Source, the Universe, the Goddess, MamiWata , Erzulie, Papa Legba, Black Athena or any other Godds I've met).
It is my Calling to finish GiftingMother's work. It's mine only in that I am threading together information into a narrative and spiritual practice. The info is and has been out there for years but discredited. Now modern neurobiology is a booming enterprise and what was poo-pooed is now coming accepted truth.
I trust the Godds more than I trust living humans. Humans lie for pride, profit, because they can't be wrong, etc. Humans tolerate dishonor as where spirits who lie, cheat, steal are not good and avoided at all costs (or hunted). The Godds cannot. Which is why They are Godds and we are lowly humans.
I'm scared of being alone in my Calling but this is my destiny. I cannot change my life. The Secret doesn't apply to me. I'm almost 43 and whenever I try to change my life, my spirit guide keeps me on her track. We're supposed to be in charge yet that doesn't apply to me. I am what one might call...pwned. I have to do my Calling in order to free myself, emerge into the woman I'm supposed to be. Maybe I should look forward to the good part. I can't see that far ahead though. But how else can I accept my Calling?