When I hurt someone how I react depends on who the person is. I don’t care to think I’ve hurt anyone really, even a stranger, but when it’s someone I love I will put a lot more effort into making amends and going out of my way so as not to repeat the offense. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think what I said or did was hurtful. My feelings are not really part of the equation. It has not been easy for me to let go of that, I have to admit. When I really meant no offense I want the person to get that and let their hurt go. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. It only adds insult to injury when you try to tell someone they don’t have a right to their feelings. Also, I think inherent in the words “I’m sorry I hurt you” is “and I will try to make sure not to do it again”, at least if you ever expect anyone to take you and your sorries seriously (I know, there is no plural for sorry but I wanted one). Sorry loses its power if you have to keep saying it. I mean after awhile the implication, regardless of your words, is that you are not sorry at all.
When someone hurts me I do try not to take it personally. I have discovered, although it goes against every fiber of my being, that very little in this world is about me. Go figure. Often when someone says or does something hurtful it is not that they are purposefully trying to hurt me, there are usually a ton of extenuating circumstances, triggers, anxiety, stress, sideways anger, passive aggressive behaviors, etc., if I will just take the time to figure out what might be going on everyone wins. Even when they are purposely trying to hurt me, it is rarely just about me. I doubt I would choose friends who would hurt me without reason and I would not marry someone who goes around indiscriminately hurting me, so I need to remember that and take a look at the big picture. Also I have learned that getting pissed off doesn’t convey what I’m really feeling. Anger used to be the only emotion I could express, for me it was the all purpose emotion, but now I know that when someone hurts me, especially someone I love, it’s not anger that I feel. It’s hurt. I’m hurt. My little feelings are broken. And I make sure I tell them that. I don’t want a pound of flesh, nor do I need to hurt them back, I just want to be clear that they hurt me. I want them to be aware of that. I get that it happens, especially in intimate relationships. It’s hard to avoid hurting or being hurt. We are all so sensitive. We are more attuned to our own feelings, not so in touch with the feelings of others. I try to remember I’m just human and so is the other.
|