Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it

[Cin]

When I hurt someone how I react depends on who the person is. I don’t care to think I’ve hurt anyone really, even a stranger, but when it’s someone I love I will put a lot more effort into making amends and going out of my way so as not to repeat the offense. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think what I said or did was hurtful. My feelings are not really part of the equation. It has not been easy for me to let go of that, I have to admit. When I really meant no offense I want the person to get that and let their hurt go. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. It only adds insult to injury when you try to tell someone they don’t have a right to their feelings. Also, I think inherent in the words “I’m sorry I hurt you” is “and I will try to make sure not to do it again”, at least if you ever expect anyone to take you and your sorries seriously (I know, there is no plural for sorry but I wanted one). Sorry loses its power if you have to keep saying it. I mean after awhile the implication, regardless of your words, is that you are not sorry at all.

When someone hurts me I do try not to take it personally. I have discovered, although it goes against every fiber of my being, that very little in this world is about me. Go figure. Often when someone says or does something hurtful it is not that they are purposefully trying to hurt me, there are usually a ton of extenuating circumstances, triggers, anxiety, stress, sideways anger, passive aggressive behaviors, etc., if I will just take the time to figure out what might be going on everyone wins. Even when they are purposely trying to hurt me, it is rarely just about me. I doubt I would choose friends who would hurt me without reason and I would not marry someone who goes around indiscriminately hurting me, so I need to remember that and take a look at the big picture. Also I have learned that getting pissed off doesn’t convey what I’m really feeling. Anger used to be the only emotion I could express, for me it was the all purpose emotion, but now I know that when someone hurts me, especially someone I love, it’s not anger that I feel. It’s hurt. I’m hurt. My little feelings are broken. And I make sure I tell them that. I don’t want a pound of flesh, nor do I need to hurt them back, I just want to be clear that they hurt me. I want them to be aware of that. I get that it happens, especially in intimate relationships. It’s hard to avoid hurting or being hurt. We are all so sensitive. We are more attuned to our own feelings, not so in touch with the feelings of others. I try to remember I’m just human and so is the other.

[Blade]

I learned at an early age that once it comes over your lips, you can't take it back. So I try to engage my brain before I open my mouth.

Most of the time I don't even realize I've hurt someone's feeling. In my case I think that sometimes what I have said may have been taken out of perspective. Then there are times when I go, crap I need to go make it right with so and so, I shouldn't have said that the way I did. So if I realize I've hurt someone's feelings, I make it right. Which usually consists of me asking them about the situation, them telling me how it made them feel and me apologizing for what I said and explaining what I really meant, or me wanting to kick myself because I can't take it back.

Then there are times, once in a great while when I'll be pushed past my point of no return and I'll let you have it and I don't care if it hurts your feelings or not. So I guess the moral to that story is don't push my buttons because I will, let you have it, if it hurts your feelings or not. You'll die from it or get over it....So build a bridge.

As for my feelings getting hurt, it rarely happens. I'm pretty tough skinned. I'll keep it in my craw and digest on it a bit. Eventually I'll either let it go or confront you about what you said that hurt my feelings. I carry my tools and lumber as well, so I can build a bridge and get over it. For the most part I live by the phrase "this to shall pass" and it normally does.

[Metro]

Over the years, being on both sides of the equation, I've discovered that sometimes I must walk away from a toxic situation or person. In the past this has been, and even now at times, incredibly difficult to do -- particularly for those (like me) who have an inherent urge to "fix" things.

These days I endeavor to live in the present, be positive and supportive (without being a Pollyanna), and also to actively seek out and/or accept the positive people and situations when they are presented.

I am also much better at choosing my battles.

In general, editing my life in this way has helped me to feel both more grounded and vigilant when the really important (and sometimes uncontrollable) life events and disagreements come along.

P.S. Sometimes scorched earth is just that -- and it's better to move on and look for greener pastures.

[Rockinonahigh]

Last night I found out soemthing the upset me bad.A fue months ago I bought a new pool case that cost me in the excess of a couple of hundred bucksm when I bought it I still had the case I was useing so the proshop at my home base pool hall ask why I didn't just leave it there a while to see of it sells to cover some of the cost of the new case so I did that.Now I have inquired a fue times about it but ot was still where I left it.So I had desided as I wsa going to Vegas for the pool tournament I would use the other case cause if it got knocked around I would like it but not worry about it either caues it has a hard shell case.When I went after it the guy at the shop said he had given it away to someone who wanted a case but just couldnt afford it.It pissed me greatly,I didnt say a thing for a while as he was telling me this.I grited my teeth,my eye twitched,I swallows a couple of times.He said he thought he told me about it before but gess he forgot.Yes we are working something out cause I want my sticks retiped plus I need a couple of things incase I need them in Vegas.He knows I am not in the least happy with this situation,yes we are working it out,but u can bet he will never see another dime of my money for anything,there are other places I can go to.I know all the therapy and life stratigies I have had are doing some good..he still lives.

[JAGG]

Here is my rule on it. I don't try to reason with an irrational person. I see they are angry , so I give them a little more forgiveness than normal. I don't pay attention to their "immature" venting style. I filter through it let it roll off me and get to the heart of the issue, try to address what is really upsetting them. I am very thick skinned most things like this don't effect me much. I don't engage in name calling and I avoid using the words always and never. A few things that work for me are, when your loved one is ranting at you , don't get defensive it's not you against her, it's not about who is right and who is wrong, what matters is the person you love is upset . Listen to what she is really saying to you.
Then remind her and yourself that you are on her side, you are on the same side, you are on the same team. There is no need to get so upset if you communicate properly all along.
If you are taking digs at each other you are not being honest about things with each other and you are not communicating very well about how you feel , what you want and expect. It always boils down to honesty, if you can't be honest with yourself and them about all things, problems will always escalate. Just my 2 cents worth.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by T-Rex

Butch Femme Planet > HEALTH: BODY, MIND, SPIRIT > BREAKUPS, LESSONS LEARNED, HEALING

Or here.

Thank you T-Rex

I was unsure as to where to put it when I started the thread and really thought there may have been one of those topics that was heated.

Thank you for placing it in the right place

[Rockinonahigh]

Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

[peachy]

My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man.

He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please.

At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years.

The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either.