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Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow
My thoughts and feelings on this particular question are this: But first before I type it all out I want to clarify that these *ARE MY THOUGHTS* and they do not reflect nor are they are general blanket statement to all things marriage, butch, femme, queer, etc.
Unless femmes start taking a more aggressive approach on how they want to be viewed in the relationship be it marriage/dating/fucking the feminine part of the equation is going to automatically assumed to be less than and the props/achillades are going to be given to the masculine part of the relationship. Until Femmes/ Feminine folk start saying "hey, I don't want to follow the antiquated ritual of taking on your last name, and insist that thing go their way with their name sake or any other kind of thing then things won't change... Butches/Men/Guys are going to balk at the idea and their machismo isn't going to allow them to see beyond the *I gotta have it, own it, it's mine,* mentality. Until Femme/Women/Feminine folk start insisting that their lineage is just as important if not MORE important than their counterparts this isn't going to change. I feel butches/men/guiys/male identified folk balk at the idea or don't even consider it because we (femmes/women/femininefolk) aren't valued enough and we don't set a standard to how valuable we are. *I* personally do not care how people marry, bond, make a family. It's what makes them happy. As long as it works for them then it's all good in the hood!
I also don't think that butches/guys/men want to take on the Femme's name because it's not deemed as important/ valued/ mainstream and sometimes people don't want to stand out more than they already do so we become complacent.
As Ms Tinkerbelly pointed out, the Latino community doesn't do the last name thing much because women keep their family name, their own name and it's not shaming or looked upon as less than. I am glad I had that choice when coming into my own...
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So to sort of sum it up: Unless we (femmes) voice and take a stand against something that's been ingrained in most of us since we were young, we basically "default" to it?
In psychology we were discussing how there are things we "know" that we can't say how we know, things that were ingrained in us when we were young that we never question. This thread reminds me of that reading.
I obviously can't answer for why butches "laugh" at the option of taking their partner's name. I think it just depends on the person. Same way there are femme's that would prefer to keep their last name. Perhaps some butches view themselves as masculine and equate masculinity in part with retaining their own identity. I can call my wife Daddy all I want and we can have sex using toys resembling phallic symbols that some would scoff at (lesbians? toys that looks like dicks? oh my, say it isn't so! imo - i rather use one that looks like a dick instead of a dolphin, but i regress..), but she is female-identified at the end of day and okay with that. Does that explain why she would consider the option of taking my last name had I suggested it? I don't know. I don't think being masculine-identified automatically means you won't change your last name, but does it mean the majority of masculine-identified won't? I don't have an answer for that.
I think there are other factors to take into account as well, such as if they have a connection to their last name (only sibling with it, family has strong roots and is proud of their name, it's a cultural 'thing'- could not think of the appropriate word here). I just don't think it's as cut and dry as "you're butch/transman/masculine-identified/whatever" and that is why you're less likely to take your partner's name. That might be part of it, might not, but I think there are other factors to look at too.
That is the extent of my picking it apart.
