Medical Power of Attorney and Other Informational Help

lyric · 03-15-2011, 05:10 PM

Hi, everyone. I'm searching for any sort of advice from another person who has gone through a medical crisis involving their partner in a state that does not legally recognize domestic partnerships. A few months ago, Toxic's health took a turn for the worse and she has been diagnosed with two brain tumors. We have had power of attorney paperwork completed to enable me to communicate and make some decisions on her behalf when she is unable. (Some days she is great and functions completely normally and others not so much.)

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might be useful to someone navigating a situation like ours? Should we be armed with anything else in addition to power of attorney paperwork? I'm certain there are things I'm not aware of that would be useful, and I'm so overwhelmed at this point. I'd very much appreciate anything anyone is willing to offer either publicly or in private message.

Thanks so very much.

Strappie · 03-15-2011, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyric

Hi, everyone. I'm searching for any sort of advice from another person who has gone through a medical crisis involving their partner in a state that does not legally recognize domestic partnerships. A few months ago, Toxic's health took a turn for the worse and she has been diagnosed with two brain tumors. We have had power of attorney paperwork completed to enable me to communicate and make some decisions on her behalf when she is unable. (Some days she is great and functions completely normally and others not so much.)

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might be useful to someone navigating a situation like ours? Should we be armed with anything else in addition to power of attorney paperwork? I'm certain there are things I'm not aware of that would be useful, and I'm so overwhelmed at this point. I'd very much appreciate anything anyone is willing to offer either publicly or in private message.

Thanks so very much.

Lyric.... I'm sorry to hear about Toxic's health. I wish you both well.

I wish I could help you out. I don't know the answers. I think is a good topic and could help a few people out in their time of need as well.

Good luck to you!

lyric · 03-15-2011, 05:41 PM

Thank you for the kind words, Strappie. xo

princessbelle · 03-15-2011, 05:41 PM

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and my heart goes out to you both.

There is a very legal side to this...as well as, a practical side. I am certainly not a legal representative, but in my years as a nurse i would be happy to tell you my experience and this may in some way help.

First of all, what a great thread. We ALL need our "ducks in a row" so to speak for our relationships and these things need to be determined way before they are needed.

There is a difference between a POA (power of attorney) and a MPOA (medical power of attorney), generally....meaning unless your POA SPECIFICALLY states you can make life deciding medical decisions, you will need an additional paper which is the MPOA. But, the POA paper can include the MPOA.

Also, it gets tricky if there may be family (meaning blood, legal) relatives who may want to fight, question or try and take away your power. If that may be the case...get the POA paperwork notorized. It doesn't have to be, but it is wayyyyy more convincing in an icky situation and usually cannot be overturned.

I want to add this......as far as nurses and doctors, IMO and personal experience, we NEED someone to make decisions and take that lead. You will for the most part be welcomed.

I used to work with AIDs patients and this was when it was new and families turned their backs for the most part, whether the patient was gay or not, families ran a lot. If there was a partner with this "patient" and one that stood by them, i would, and many would, decide this person was next of kin, basically by default. Generally, we would assign them the ID of sister, brother, whatever on paper but it's not like we were trying to defy the relationship and cause more heartache than the person was going through to begin with.

It got sticky when families were around and they didn't approve of relationships and most of them would even say they did not want the "partner" even near the patient, even denying visitation.

Needless to say, I would always find a reason for the family to have to leave the room for an hour or two and sneak the partner in. Point being.....most nurses and doctors won't fight you, it's not like on TV, for the MOST part, and will be happy you are there and will take your opinion and decisions to heart and abide by that.

But, be careful....get a POA that SPECIFICALLY states ....has the right to make LIFE DECISIONS..it has to be spelled out specifically. If not, get a MPOA and spell it out then....both of you sign it...and get it NOTORIZED. File it with your doctors and keep the original to yourself. Then, IMO and in my experience, you should be fine.

Blessing, light and love....

wolfbittenpoet · 03-15-2011, 05:54 PM

Medically surrogacy paperwork too. Notarized and witnessed. Listing you and one alternate who will also abide by Toxic's wishes.

lyric · 03-15-2011, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfbittenpoet

Medically surrogacy paperwork too. Notarized and witnessed. Listing you and one alternate who will also abide by Toxic's wishes.

Hello... and thank you! We did have the attorney who created our documents list both a secondary and tertiary individual, just in case. I wonder if this counts, or if medical surrogacy paperwork is something additional? Thanks again for the help!

wolfbittenpoet · 03-15-2011, 06:17 PM

My suggestion is google medical surrogacy for your state. It will tell you or your attourney should know. I always ere on the edge of caution and have both a medical surrogate and medical poa. But I live in a place where wishes aren't always upheld so I'm a bit paranoid.

lyric · 03-15-2011, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfbittenpoet

My suggestion is google medical surrogacy for your state. It will tell you or your attourney should know. I always ere on the edge of caution and have both a medical surrogate and medical poa. But I live in a place where wishes aren't always upheld so I'm a bit paranoid.

Great thinking... I'm on it! Thanks, wolfbittenpoet! xo

Miss Scarlett · 03-15-2011, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyric

Hello... and thank you! We did have the attorney who created our documents list both a secondary and tertiary individual, just in case. I wonder if this counts, or if medical surrogacy paperwork is something additional? Thanks again for the help!

Lyric, I am so sorry to hear this news.
The attorney I work for does HCPOA and POA work.
A previous employer did them for the LGBT community.

While I know the answers to some of your questions, I am not a licensed attorney
and by law cannot give you any legal advice beyond saying
you need to speak with an attorney ASAP.

If you are not comfortable with the attorney who prepared your original documents
then by all means consult with another.

Lambda Legal maintains a list of attorneys who are sensitive to LGBT issues.

I wish you both well.

lyric · 03-15-2011, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Lyric, I am so sorry to hear this news.
The attorney I work for does HCPOA and POA work.
A previous employer did them for the LGBT community.

While I know the answers to some of your questions, I am not a licensed attorney
and by law cannot give you any legal advice beyond saying
you need to speak with an attorney ASAP.

If you are not comfortable with the attorney who prepared your original documents
then by all means consult with another.

Lambda Legal maintains a list of attorneys who are sensitive to LGBT issues.

I wish you both well.

The attorney who prepared our paperwork was great, but she lives out of state. We probably do need to consult with someone in-person, here in Virginia. Thank you for the words of wisdom!

suebee · 03-15-2011, 06:23 PM

Hi Lyric. I'm sorry to be meeting you under such terrible circumstances.

I was going to say that one of the easiest ways to ensure that things go smoothly is to get the family on board. But it doesn't look like you're going to have that option - unless they've had a change of heart that you don't yet know about.

I had major surgery a couple of years ago for a tumour, and although I wasn't with a partner at the time, one thing I made sure of was that all the appropriate paperwork, ESPECIALLY the medical power of attorney was in the right hands. That meant that the two designated people each had a copy, the hospital had a copy for my file and the ICU had a copy right in the unit. You CANNOT over do it in regards to being absolutely sure that the right people have the documentation. You don't want any fussing over the paper work if you need to use your medical POA.

And don't hesitate to change neurologists or neuro surgeons if you're not comfortable with who you're sent to!

I wish you and Toxic the very best in dealing with all this. My heart goes out to both of you.

Sue

lyric · 03-15-2011, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suebee

Hi Lyric. I'm sorry to be meeting you under such terrible circumstances.

I was going to say that one of the easiest ways to ensure that things go smoothly is to get the family on board. But it doesn't look like you're going to have that option - unless they've had a change of heart that you don't yet know about.

I had major surgery a couple of years ago for a tumour, and although I wasn't with a partner at the time, one thing I made sure of was that all the appropriate paperwork, ESPECIALLY the medical power of attorney was in the right hands. That meant that the two designated people each had a copy, the hospital had a copy for my file and the ICU had a copy right in the unit. You CANNOT over do it in regards to being absolutely sure that the right people have the documentation. You don't want any fussing over the paper work if you need to use your medical POA.

And don't hesitate to change neurologists or neuro surgeons if you're not comfortable with who you're sent to!

I wish you and Toxic the very best in dealing with all this. My heart goes out to both of you.

Sue

Thanks so much, Sue. I actually despise her neurologist, but I think Toxic is a bit more resigned because she is just overwhelmed and tired of it all. I have been actively (ok... rabidly) campaigning for a switch (we have an HMO style insurance plan), and I'm slowly getting there... we actually have a consult with someone new on Thursday and I hope this one is more proactive and less medication-happy. One thing we have been told is that this is not cancer. However, it would be nice for her to live a normal life with her vision in tact, no crazy wild seizures, and with an absence of pain. I just want someone who is committed to being part of a team with us achieve that... and I want to be armed with as much legal protection and knowledge as possible, just in case.

We did make several copies, had them all notarized, and in addition to holding onto several copies, ourselves, we mailed copies to the primary care physician as well as my sister and an aunt (the other individuals listed in our documentation).

Thanks again!!

lyric · 03-15-2011, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by princessbelle

But, be careful....get a POA that SPECIFICALLY states ....has the right to make LIFE DECISIONS..it has to be spelled out specifically. If not, get a MPOA and spell it out then....both of you sign it...and get it NOTORIZED. File it with your doctors and keep the original to yourself. Then, IMO and in my experience, you should be fine.

princessbelle, thank you very, very much for this, because I wasn't aware there were two different types. (See? I AM clueless when it comes to this!) I just did a quick check in the folder and our papers do, indeed, read as you say and are labeled "medical power of attorney" and we did have them notarized just in case. She has not had much contact with immediate family in years because they are not exactly on board with the fact that she is gay, but this does not mean they won't pop up sometime in the future.

With the exception of the neurologist, everyone has been fantastic. When she was hospitalized initially, it was on an emergency basis and during that experience and the subsequent inpatient hospitalization, the hospital staff was wonderful to both of us... and we did not even have that paperwork at that point. During our follow-ups, the neurologist gave me a blank stare everytime I tried to speak up and sort of ignored me (even though Toxic really isn't able to relate what happens during her seizures due to memory loss) so that has left me a little frustrated. I'm not sure how to "make" them listen to me, if that makes sense. Luckily, we're seeing someone else for a second opinion on Thursday and I hope this guy is better.

Your reply was awesome and I really appreciate that you took the time to respond. Thank you!!!

princessbelle · 03-15-2011, 06:03 PM

You are so very welcome. You are getting a lot of great advice here and that totally makes me smile.

There is something else i wanted to add...as June mentioned. State by state things are different. This is not a "Federally governed legalatity" or so i have exerpienced. Find out what you need from your specific state.

I am glad that you have the MPOA and that it is notorized.

You are on the right track. You are doing great. Kudos to you for taking care of things NOW.

*hugs.

lyric · 03-15-2011, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

Get everything notarized!

Power of Attorney
Medical Power of Attorney
Right of Remains
Make a will if one of you has property/belongings you want to go to the other, because I don't care how much your family loves you or appears to love them, money/property/possessions make people get real weird.

Also, there is something else, and I can't remember what it's called, but it gives someone the right to pull the plug on you. Someone else will know what that is, it's different than Medical POA. At least here in Oregon.

Adding all of this to the list, June... thank you!
I do know the document you're talking about, but the name is escaping me at the moment. If I weren't trying to think of it, I could probably name it. Go figure.

Thanks again!! xo

03-15-2011, 05:10 PM	#1
lyric Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: quiet and content Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Springfield, VA Posts: 88 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 161 Thanked 303 Times in 56 Posts Rep Power: 3971633	Medical Power of Attorney and Other Informational Help Hi, everyone. I'm searching for any sort of advice from another person who has gone through a medical crisis involving their partner in a state that does not legally recognize domestic partnerships. A few months ago, Toxic's health took a turn for the worse and she has been diagnosed with two brain tumors. We have had power of attorney paperwork completed to enable me to communicate and make some decisions on her behalf when she is unable. (Some days she is great and functions completely normally and others not so much.) Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might be useful to someone navigating a situation like ours? Should we be armed with anything else in addition to power of attorney paperwork? I'm certain there are things I'm not aware of that would be useful, and I'm so overwhelmed at this point. I'd very much appreciate anything anyone is willing to offer either publicly or in private message. Thanks so very much.

03-15-2011, 05:41 PM	#4
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,503 Times in 5,201 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I am sorry to hear about your situation, and my heart goes out to you both. There is a very legal side to this...as well as, a practical side. I am certainly not a legal representative, but in my years as a nurse i would be happy to tell you my experience and this may in some way help. First of all, what a great thread. We ALL need our "ducks in a row" so to speak for our relationships and these things need to be determined way before they are needed. There is a difference between a POA (power of attorney) and a MPOA (medical power of attorney), generally....meaning unless your POA SPECIFICALLY states you can make life deciding medical decisions, you will need an additional paper which is the MPOA. But, the POA paper can include the MPOA. Also, it gets tricky if there may be family (meaning blood, legal) relatives who may want to fight, question or try and take away your power. If that may be the case...get the POA paperwork notorized. It doesn't have to be, but it is wayyyyy more convincing in an icky situation and usually cannot be overturned. I want to add this......as far as nurses and doctors, IMO and personal experience, we NEED someone to make decisions and take that lead. You will for the most part be welcomed. I used to work with AIDs patients and this was when it was new and families turned their backs for the most part, whether the patient was gay or not, families ran a lot. If there was a partner with this "patient" and one that stood by them, i would, and many would, decide this person was next of kin, basically by default. Generally, we would assign them the ID of sister, brother, whatever on paper but it's not like we were trying to defy the relationship and cause more heartache than the person was going through to begin with. It got sticky when families were around and they didn't approve of relationships and most of them would even say they did not want the "partner" even near the patient, even denying visitation. Needless to say, I would always find a reason for the family to have to leave the room for an hour or two and sneak the partner in. Point being.....most nurses and doctors won't fight you, it's not like on TV, for the MOST part, and will be happy you are there and will take your opinion and decisions to heart and abide by that. But, be careful....get a POA that SPECIFICALLY states ....has the right to make LIFE DECISIONS..it has to be spelled out specifically. If not, get a MPOA and spell it out then....both of you sign it...and get it NOTORIZED. File it with your doctors and keep the original to yourself. Then, IMO and in my experience, you should be fine. Blessing, light and love.... __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

03-15-2011, 06:23 PM	#11
suebee Member How Do You Identify?: TOWANDA! Preferred Pronoun?: Queen Bee Relationship Status: Good 'n married. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Eastern Canada. But if I make a wrong turn at the lights I get stopped by a border guard. Posts: 1,499 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,355 Thanked 2,759 Times in 820 Posts Rep Power: 16450091	Hi Lyric. I'm sorry to be meeting you under such terrible circumstances. I was going to say that one of the easiest ways to ensure that things go smoothly is to get the family on board. But it doesn't look like you're going to have that option - unless they've had a change of heart that you don't yet know about. I had major surgery a couple of years ago for a tumour, and although I wasn't with a partner at the time, one thing I made sure of was that all the appropriate paperwork, ESPECIALLY the medical power of attorney was in the right hands. That meant that the two designated people each had a copy, the hospital had a copy for my file and the ICU had a copy right in the unit. You CANNOT over do it in regards to being absolutely sure that the right people have the documentation. You don't want any fussing over the paper work if you need to use your medical POA. And don't hesitate to change neurologists or neuro surgeons if you're not comfortable with who you're sent to! I wish you and Toxic the very best in dealing with all this. My heart goes out to both of you. Sue __________________ "Compassion, in which all ethics must take root, can only attain its full breadth and depth if it embraces all living creatures and does not limit itself to mankind." -Albert Schweitzer

03-15-2011, 06:03 PM	#14
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,503 Times in 5,201 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	You are so very welcome. You are getting a lot of great advice here and that totally makes me smile. There is something else i wanted to add...as June mentioned. State by state things are different. This is not a "Federally governed legalatity" or so i have exerpienced. Find out what you need from your specific state. I am glad that you have the MPOA and that it is notorized. You are on the right track. You are doing great. Kudos to you for taking care of things NOW. *hugs. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

03-15-2011, 05:54 PM	#5
wolfbittenpoet Member How Do You Identify?: Typewriter Boy Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: FL Posts: 534 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 891 Thanked 1,578 Times in 402 Posts Rep Power: 7303677	Medically surrogacy paperwork too. Notarized and witnessed. Listing you and one alternate who will also abide by Toxic's wishes.

03-15-2011, 06:17 PM	#7
wolfbittenpoet Member How Do You Identify?: Typewriter Boy Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: FL Posts: 534 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 891 Thanked 1,578 Times in 402 Posts Rep Power: 7303677	My suggestion is google medical surrogacy for your state. It will tell you or your attourney should know. I always ere on the edge of caution and have both a medical surrogate and medical poa. But I live in a place where wishes aren't always upheld so I'm a bit paranoid.