The Femmes That Love You...

[DaddysKitten]

Daddy and I talk about this often. It was mentioned in another forum I created a while back, that there is so much out there about how Femmes need to be so understanding of their trans partners, but there is little about the support or understanding for the Femmes themselves. Though I am not agreeing or disagreeing, because I don't find it my place to I am curious.

I find myself madly in love with a trans man, for 3 years now. Having never really dallied in any sort of queer relations before, there is still so much understanding I have yet to find. I understand him, categorically, every detail of what makes him tick, because he is my lover. And I have made it a huge part of my life with him to understand him.

But I am curious about the Femme side of things, and what we have come across in life as difficult or challenging when standing beside our protected loves. I find myself, even as his babygirl, extremely protective of him. I am quick to put someone in their place for staring at him. I am almost vicious in the sense, when I think about how such things harm him, even in the simplest way that might just elicit an eyeroll from him.

In my eyes, it is no one's right to make him feel even the least bit uncomfortable out in public. I wish this was an ideal world where everyone is understanding and accepting, but they are not, sadly. I find myself connected at his hip, eager to kiss, touch, caress, and hold if anyone even so much as flinches at him. Because my pride is untouchable when it comes to me being his. I just smirk back at the looks, but... I know it effects him.

This is just one thing I have run across, there are a few more, but I would actually like this to just be an open forum, for us femmes to sort of share, help, or understand what we undergo during our support of our transmen.

I'd love to see this remain a positive thread of shared experiences, so that everyone in this situation can take something from it to help us in our day to day tribulations as their partners.

[DeviantDaddy]

Wonderful idea, sweetheart. I would love for you to meet other femmes who have their own experience when being involved with a trans man. I can only imagine how many questions may come up here and there that I am unable to give input on. Being your first queer relationship, I will say, that you have done absolutely amazing. You have made me feel so incredibly accepted, understood and supported. Which has been so incredibly wonderful. I have dated femmes who have been in the "life" for years and have had experience with trans men in relationships - yet you have gone far and beyond in attempting to truly see life through my eyes and understand me.

Thank you, for all that you do.

[Gemme]

I understand that need to protect that comes from within, Kitten. I've felt that as well.

Transguys, butches and all the lovely shades of that side of our rainbow (mainly, not femme or feminine) have had the stares and remarks, usually, for all or most of their lives. They develop a thicker skin because of it, in most cases. I think it explains the 2x4 phenomena as well. They've lived in their skin for all that time and we, as their partners, have only been their partners for a frog's hair worth of that time. We're more sensitive to it because it's newer to us and we don't have that coping mechanism of obliviousness that many of them do. You mentioned the getting all fired up and your Daddy just rolling his eyes. Been there, done that!

I think this is a very nice topic and could make for a lovely discussion.

[DeviantDaddy]

Originally Posted by Gemme

You mentioned the getting all fired up and your Daddy just rolling his eyes. Been there, done that!

There have been many things such as that which have upset her... chuckles. I have always wondered about the things that femmes (or anyone who is partnered to a butch/transman) have to endure.

There is something absolutely amazing about a femme's ability to sooth the troubles of the world away. But I wonder what that does to them from their side of things.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by DeviantDaddy

There have been many things such as that which have upset her... chuckles. I have always wondered about the things that femmes (or anyone who is partnered to a butch/transman) have to endure.

There is something absolutely amazing about a femme's ability to sooth the troubles of the world away. But I wonder what that does to them from their side of things.

I am almost sure this is for femmes partnered with butches as well as transmen/FtMs, so i wanted to comment if that's ok. If i am out of place, just tell me...no problem.

As far as your comment on "what that does to them (femmes) from their side of things" i wanted to say a couple of things on that.

Many of us do recognize that there are so many things that the more masculine folks have to go through than the more femme ones do. For me there is a tremendous amount of pride that i feel when walking with my butch. I truly am so proud of her for so many, many things. From her first understanding of her gayness and masculinity to the wonderful butch she is today. I really do feel honored to walk beside her knowing what she has been through, the things in life she has had to overcome, the hate she faces in the news, from all walks of life and the risk she takes every single day she walks out into this world.

So, if i see a glare, or a mean stare or god in heaven forbid anyone say anything to her, seeing red is an understatement. I want to be her advisory along with being her partner. I want to be her defender along with being her baby girl. I want to be her saving grace from this prejudicial world that sees only race or sex or classism or perceived sexual orientation.

It is the path "we" choose to walk with our partners and any hurt feelings or anger or shock that we face from the public, families and even friends is so minute compared to the loving relationships we have with "ya'll", it is SO worth it all.

[Quintease]

I used to get all fired up about trans issues and then wonder why he didn't care.

He'd be like 'I've been living it for the last 5 years, now I just want to be a man.' I would get really annoyed and we had plenty of debates.

Of course he couldn't help getting sucked in. As my friends met him, often the first trans person they'd ever met, they became more interested in trans issues. Plus I had a close friend who was early transition who just couldn't stay away and brought all his enthusiasm with him. Now the hubby is involved in all sorts of things he had originally written out of his life... I know, I'm evil. He often wonders what he did to deserve a rabidly political lesbian wife.

But it was really hard for me. Even harder knowing that the things I was worrying about (loss of visibility, having people think I'd 'gone straight') weren't as bad as the things he feared (being 'outed' at work, future surgeries, a shortage of testosterone, losing his family). At times I felt really lonely, like I couldn't talk about our problems, either because I worried what people would think or I worried as they didn't know he was trans.

It was tough, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It helps that he is absolutely gorgeous (and he really is gorgeous, I wish I could post a pic of him online as he is the best looking person I have dated). I often look at our wedding photos and remember how lucky I am!

[DeviantDaddy]

Originally Posted by Quintease

I used to get all fired up about trans issues and then wonder why he didn't care.

I cannot speak for him, of course. But at least from my experience when she does get fired up and so worked up while I just shrug it off or roll my eyes... it isn't really about not caring. It is more about, as sad as it may sound, it's more about getting so used to it that it doesn't effect you the same as someone who has not experienced it before.

I actually feel a bit saddened by her having to see such things and experiencing them vicariously through me. But it is incredible to be loved by a woman who will stand by your side through it all.

[DaddysKitten]

Originally Posted by DeviantDaddy

I cannot speak for him, of course. But at least from my experience when she does get fired up and so worked up while I just shrug it off or roll my eyes... it isn't really about not caring. It is more about, as sad as it may sound, it's more about getting so used to it that it doesn't effect you the same as someone who has not experienced it before.

I actually feel a bit saddened by her having to see such things and experiencing them vicariously through me. But it is incredible to be loved by a woman who will stand by your side through it all.

Don't ever feel saddened by that. Of all the trials and tribulations we have been through, this is a walk in the park to deal with. It is no burden whatsoever. I know how ugly the world is, this is just another aspect of it, I am experiencing first hand, versus through just knowledge and disgust in general.

[Kent]

Just a little bump...

[Nomad]

i'm really nervous about posting this question because i dont want to offend anyone but i'm so amazingly shaken by an experience i had last night that i want to ask people, especially femmes who might have had this experience, for their advice. the two most significant relationships in my life have been with transguys. one died recently and the other i love very much and speak to whenever we have a chance but our lives are separate for a myriad of reasons. i dont have a butch/femme or queer community outside of the planet. (i'm on the east coast). right now i'm surrounded by friends who identify as 'lesbian' and i love and respect them. i just dont feel like one of them. i dont use the word lesbian as my i.d. and i dont feel i'm being disrespectful because of that either. i i.d. as a femme. it's the word that's the rightest for me. sometimes it makes me kind of invisible and i hate that but there's nothing i can do about people's eyesight so i try not to worry about it so much when i know it's not ill intentioned.

last night, because i said i didnt i.d. as a lesbian i got a boatload of anger heaped on my head by 3 women (none of them members of the planet, which is how the conversation started in the first place because i was telling one of them about it when she said she was having a hard time finding people to date) who were so outraged at my 'blatant betrayal of women by reinforcing stereotypes that gay women really just need a good man' and how it was 'a slap in the face to the hard work' they'd done in the community 'to make being gay a safe and accepted lifestyle'. i was blown away by their hostility and by their assumptions and maybe especially by the use of the word lifestyle!

i'm the sort of person who kind of loves everyone. i dont really have any issues with anybody unless they're an asshole and that's usually something we can talk about and sometimes it turns out that i'm the one being the jerk. i dont have any issue with people of any variety. but when it comes to dating i dont date people. i date an individual. i dont want to date a cis-male. i have them as friends but that's it. i love femmes. i have them as friends but that's it. i love butches. i have them as friends and i'd date a couple of them if asked and the time were right. heres the hard where i want to remind people of my disclaimer. i swear to G*d i dont mean to be rude or dismissive and i really apologize if i'm being an ignorant yutz or hurtful without seeing it. but whenever i've been hit on by a female identified butch i typically dont feel chemistry. it just doesnt happen for me. and i dont get why that's wrong. the same 3 women aggressively criticized me last night for 'fetishizing masculinity in women' and i was so stunned and hurt that i actually cried in public which is something i despise doing.

i want to open up my brain to the idea that i'm being a jerk and i need to learn and grow and change and do whatever work is involved in that but i dont honestly feel that i'm turning anything or anyone into a fetish. to me that's like saying i'm turning someone into an object or that my feelings for them arent sincere or based in actual love. i love whoever i love and i'm thrilled by whoever thrills me right? isnt everybody? is there something wrong with me if i'm only attracted to what i think of as queer masculinity? do the angry women have a point? am i guilty of gender discrimination or fetishizing people or do i just know what powers my flower?

oseh shalom