(Re)Building the trust...

Bubala · 12-13-2015, 07:20 PM

Trust is everything... How is it built? How is it broken? Can it be rebuilt once it's broken? What if the trust is not broken but rather just lost... Can it be found, can it be rebuilt again?

~ocean · 12-13-2015, 08:08 PM

In my own opinion, I think its never lost ~ takes years to rebuild that trust providing it won't be re-tarnished. I live w/ re-tarnished trust. I look at my ex apprehensively in all factors when I deal w/ hym . Best described as "I love you as a person , but theres a wall ~

Bubala · 12-13-2015, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~ocean

In my own opinion, I think its never lost ~ takes years to rebuild that trust providing it won't be re-tarnished. I live w/ re-tarnished trust. I look at my ex apprehensively in all factors when I deal w/ hym . Best described as "I love you as a person , but theres a wall ~

Thank you for the response. I understand the wall you talk about.

My spouse and I are trying to work trough a major breakdown... The worst part is that no one did anything to break the trust, no cheating, no lies... In our case I do not think the trust we once had was broken...it was simply lost...

As his walls grew higher and colder... I built mine...heavily pressurized well hidden storage of hurt and resentment. Now hy can do everything right, but I won't be able to take it for what it is without my own cold hard skepticism, and mistrust that's eating at everything that we've got and everything we are...

Broken trust can be repaired somehow... lost trust on the other hand comes with the added weight... Is there hope?

Damn butches... Why can't they talk about their feelings!? We know you got some! Why the walls always the walls... I hate walls..... lol

Cin · 12-13-2015, 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelai

My spouse and I are trying to work trough a major breakdown... The worst part is that no one did anything to break the trust, no cheating, no lies... In our case I do not think the trust we once had was broken...it was simply lost...

As his walls grew higher and colder... I built mine...heavily pressurized well hidden storage of hurt and resentment. Now hy can do everything right, but I won't be able to take it for what it is without my own cold hard skepticism, and mistrust that's eating at everything that we've got and everything we are...

Broken trust can be repaired somehow... lost trust on the other hand comes with the added weight... Is there hope?

I'm trying to understand the difference between broken trust and lost trust. By lost trust do you mean that no one broke trust by cheating or lying but instead trust just faded because the expectation of how you would love each other, how you would share your lives was not met. You believed that there would be sharing and a connection but instead there were walls and separation. Does lost trust mean not being able to believe in the person any longer because they are not who you thought they were or are not behaving in the relationship in the way that you were led to believe that they would? Is that the idea or is it something else?

kittygrrl · 12-14-2015, 12:51 AM

it depends on the two people involved and if they want to badly enough..if that's true, then together you will take the careful steps necessary to bringing wellness, peace and love back from the abyss..

~ocean · 12-14-2015, 12:56 AM

would a marriage councilor help ? reassurance maybe ? built up defensive walls ~ when u both get over this ~ ur gonna hear fireworks ! after Christmas sales are perfect for purchases ~ just saying

Bubala · 12-14-2015, 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~ocean

would a marriage councilor help ? reassurance maybe ? built up defensive walls ~ when u both get over this ~ ur gonna hear fireworks ! after Christmas sales are perfect for purchases ~ just saying

Lol ~ocean

imperfect_cupcake · 12-14-2015, 01:16 AM

I personally can't imagine trying to work through something like that without a couples councelour. I've gotten a coule Relate books on rebuilding trust in relationships and have found them incredibly useful on my own - Relate books aren't flakey worded or fully of California speak or have inspirational quotes in them, just very practical advice and homework. However, if I was trying to do that with a partner, I'd want to see someone who knows how to guide the process along and give us both work to do - a neutral third party that has expertise in the area.

Every time I have asked a partner to go, they have refused. So I went on my own. They did nothing and expected me to do all the work after that point. So I think if some refused again, that would be the end of it.

I'm pretty bad with expressing how I feel. My Butch partners have usually been better at it than I am. We are all individuals, even butches

Cin · 12-14-2015, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelai

Broken trust can be repaired somehow... lost trust on the other hand comes with the added weight... Is there hope?

I agree with what everyone is saying here about when trust is broken and the struggle to repair it, but the OP is talking about lost trust. She has mentioned nobody cheated or lied but instead the trust was lost. She responded more than once saying that the trust was not broken, but instead it was lost. I am certain she is not talking about leaving it in her other pants or accidently throwing it in the trash. Does she mean misplaced trust, which conjures up a different meaning for me altogether? I understand broken trust but the meaning of lost trust that is not predicated by a betrayal of some kind is not clear at all to me. Perhaps she means a betrayal that is not about lying and cheating? I wish I understood.

Blade · 12-13-2015, 08:36 PM

For me I guess it depends on how that trust is broken. I don't give trust instantly, and don't expect to be given it instantly. I believe in building a strong foundation, and working from there. If there is a crack in you're foundation or any level above that, it requires repair to move forward. If it can't be repaired or isn't worth the work, and the trust will never be restored. It's best to move on.

Great topic!

Bubala · 12-13-2015, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blade

For me I guess it depends on how that trust is broken. I don't give trust instantly, and don't expect to be given it instantly. I believe in building a strong foundation, and working from there. If there is a crack in you're foundation or any level above that, it requires repair to move forward. If it can't be repaired or isn't worth the work, and the trust will never be restored. It's best to move on.

Great topic!

Thank you.

Broken trust can be repaired...but in most cases it can never be the same. In best conditions it is never fully repaired but rather patched. Some wounds patch better than others, some patch worse... some don't patch at all...

But what if the trust built well was never broken... just lost... faded away... Could it ever be found... is it worth searching for...?

Gemme · 12-13-2015, 09:01 PM

Using Blade's analogy of a cracked foundation, any weak spot is always going to be a weak spot, even if it's repaired well. Trust can, in situations where all parties are genuinely and fully invested, be repaired but it cannot be replaced or ever exactly as it was.

What can take milliseconds to destroy can take years to rebuild. It's possible though, as most things are.

12-13-2015, 07:20 PM	#1
Bubala Member How Do You Identify?: Lady Sunflower Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Join Date: Dec 2015 Location: San Fran Posts: 844 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 463 Thanked 1,669 Times in 615 Posts Rep Power: 9338275	(Re)Building the trust... Trust is everything... How is it built? How is it broken? Can it be rebuilt once it's broken? What if the trust is not broken but rather just lost... Can it be found, can it be rebuilt again?

12-13-2015, 08:08 PM	#2
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,121 Times in 4,736 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	~ In my own opinion, I think its never lost ~ takes years to rebuild that trust providing it won't be re-tarnished. I live w/ re-tarnished trust. I look at my ex apprehensively in all factors when I deal w/ hym . Best described as "I love you as a person , but theres a wall ~ __________________ ~ Always, ocean

12-14-2015, 12:51 AM	#5
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: witchy Preferred Pronoun?: b. grrl Relationship Status: xoxo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Lavender haze Posts: 8,841 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,395 Thanked 21,413 Times in 6,752 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	it depends on the two people involved and if they want to badly enough..if that's true, then together you will take the careful steps necessary to bringing wellness, peace and love back from the abyss.. __________________ "All cruelty springs from weakness" Seneca

12-14-2015, 12:56 AM	#6
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,121 Times in 4,736 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	would a marriage councilor help ? reassurance maybe ? built up defensive walls ~ when u both get over this ~ ur gonna hear fireworks ! after Christmas sales are perfect for purchases ~ just saying __________________ ~ Always, ocean

12-13-2015, 08:36 PM	#10
Blade Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: TG Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: once in a while someone amazing comes along...and here I am! Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Down on the farm Posts: 5,492 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,850 Thanked 14,401 Times in 4,049 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	For me I guess it depends on how that trust is broken. I don't give trust instantly, and don't expect to be given it instantly. I believe in building a strong foundation, and working from there. If there is a crack in you're foundation or any level above that, it requires repair to move forward. If it can't be repaired or isn't worth the work, and the trust will never be restored. It's best to move on. Great topic! __________________ Yeah so what if I'm triple dipped in awesome sauce? The best way to predict the future, is to create it.

12-14-2015, 01:16 AM	#8
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,726 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I personally can't imagine trying to work through something like that without a couples councelour. I've gotten a coule Relate books on rebuilding trust in relationships and have found them incredibly useful on my own - Relate books aren't flakey worded or fully of California speak or have inspirational quotes in them, just very practical advice and homework. However, if I was trying to do that with a partner, I'd want to see someone who knows how to guide the process along and give us both work to do - a neutral third party that has expertise in the area. Every time I have asked a partner to go, they have refused. So I went on my own. They did nothing and expected me to do all the work after that point. So I think if some refused again, that would be the end of it. I'm pretty bad with expressing how I feel. My Butch partners have usually been better at it than I am. We are all individuals, even butches

12-13-2015, 09:01 PM	#12
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,589 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,212 Thanked 108,770 Times in 25,661 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	Using Blade's analogy of a cracked foundation, any weak spot is always going to be a weak spot, even if it's repaired well. Trust can, in situations where all parties are genuinely and fully invested, be repaired but it cannot be replaced or ever exactly as it was. What can take milliseconds to destroy can take years to rebuild. It's possible though, as most things are. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.