(Re)Building the trust...

[Bubala]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

In my own opinion, I think its never lost ~ takes years to rebuild that trust providing it won't be re-tarnished. I live w/ re-tarnished trust. I look at my ex apprehensively in all factors when I deal w/ hym . Best described as "I love you as a person , but theres a wall ~

Thank you for the response. I understand the wall you talk about.

My spouse and I are trying to work trough a major breakdown... The worst part is that no one did anything to break the trust, no cheating, no lies... In our case I do not think the trust we once had was broken...it was simply lost...

As his walls grew higher and colder... I built mine...heavily pressurized well hidden storage of hurt and resentment. Now hy can do everything right, but I won't be able to take it for what it is without my own cold hard skepticism, and mistrust that's eating at everything that we've got and everything we are...

Broken trust can be repaired somehow... lost trust on the other hand comes with the added weight... Is there hope?

Damn butches... Why can't they talk about their feelings!? We know you got some! Why the walls always the walls... I hate walls..... lol

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Lorelai

My spouse and I are trying to work trough a major breakdown... The worst part is that no one did anything to break the trust, no cheating, no lies... In our case I do not think the trust we once had was broken...it was simply lost...

As his walls grew higher and colder... I built mine...heavily pressurized well hidden storage of hurt and resentment. Now hy can do everything right, but I won't be able to take it for what it is without my own cold hard skepticism, and mistrust that's eating at everything that we've got and everything we are...

Broken trust can be repaired somehow... lost trust on the other hand comes with the added weight... Is there hope?

I'm trying to understand the difference between broken trust and lost trust. By lost trust do you mean that no one broke trust by cheating or lying but instead trust just faded because the expectation of how you would love each other, how you would share your lives was not met. You believed that there would be sharing and a connection but instead there were walls and separation. Does lost trust mean not being able to believe in the person any longer because they are not who you thought they were or are not behaving in the relationship in the way that you were led to believe that they would? Is that the idea or is it something else?

[kittygrrl]

it depends on the two people involved and if they want to badly enough..if that's true, then together you will take the careful steps necessary to bringing wellness, peace and love back from the abyss..

[~ocean]

would a marriage councilor help ? reassurance maybe ? built up defensive walls ~ when u both get over this ~ ur gonna hear fireworks ! after Christmas sales are perfect for purchases ~ just saying

[Bubala]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

would a marriage councilor help ? reassurance maybe ? built up defensive walls ~ when u both get over this ~ ur gonna hear fireworks ! after Christmas sales are perfect for purchases ~ just saying

Lol ~ocean

[imperfect_cupcake]

I personally can't imagine trying to work through something like that without a couples councelour. I've gotten a coule Relate books on rebuilding trust in relationships and have found them incredibly useful on my own - Relate books aren't flakey worded or fully of California speak or have inspirational quotes in them, just very practical advice and homework. However, if I was trying to do that with a partner, I'd want to see someone who knows how to guide the process along and give us both work to do - a neutral third party that has expertise in the area.

Every time I have asked a partner to go, they have refused. So I went on my own. They did nothing and expected me to do all the work after that point. So I think if some refused again, that would be the end of it.

I'm pretty bad with expressing how I feel. My Butch partners have usually been better at it than I am. We are all individuals, even butches

[RockOn]

Trust is a major issue with me. Today, I cannot imagine opening my soul up again to a woman. I am happy being single. I have never been one to have to be in a relationship in order to be complete or feel good about me. I was usually in a relationship from the time I came out at 20 years old. After a break-up, I always needed some time (maybe a year or so) before I jumped back in.The last almost 12 years now really hurt me to the core. Maybe I will venture out again and get hooked up when I am 80. LOL! Until then, I have my dogs and I love them more than anything in the universe. Job is good and outside work, I enjoy staying busy with my wood and gadgie projects. There are so any things I want to make. Keeps my mind occupied and excited thinking about them. I am really just a nerd. Heh Heh!

[Shay McGee]

Every time I have had my trust broken an imprint is left, that can never be erased. Only a portion of what was before can ever be brought back. I usually stick my neck out there and have those hard conversations. I really respect people who will reach out, with the intention of repairing trust.

[*Anya*]

Trust has two meanings for me when we are talking monogamy. I fell in love wth my long-term ex and both of us agreed to monogamy. In retrospect, I think it was a more important value of mine, then hers. Then, out of the blue, my ex cheated. The sense of betrayal was so profound (no one had ever cheated on me-or that I had ever known about).

The first time she cheated was what you may be calling broken trust. Instead of breaking up, because I loved her and because I got a lot of tears and promises of "I'll never, ever do it again". I worked really hard on rebuilding that with her. I had a mantra of forgiveness in my brain 100 times a day.

Just as a tiny bit of trust was being rebuilt, she fucking did it again. Trust gone, never to be seen in regards to her again and it never will be again. We are now no more, 19 years of partnership and love down the drain.

Current partner made vow of faithfulness and I have total trust with her. Monogamy is just as an important value to her, as it is to me. If my trust were ever to shatter with her, there would be no rebuilding. The betrayal would be too deep.

[Jane Bond]

Originally Posted by Shay McGee

Every time I have had my trust broken an imprint is left, that can never be erased. Only a portion of what was before can ever be brought back. I usually stick my neck out there and have those hard conversations. I really respect people who will reach out, with the intention of repairing trust.

It occurred to me that (for me) trust can be broken and repaired among family, friends and romantic partners if it didn't involve betrayal.
For example, if I loan a friend $100 and she promises to pay it back next week, then 6 weeks later I have to ask her about it, then she hems and haws, I might not trust her enough to lend her more money, but I don't see the friendship ending over 100 lousy bucks.

When my heart is involved and a woman with whom I share a commitment, sleeps with or romantically carries on online with someone whose emails and texts she has to delete lest I catch on to her, that's different. That's broken trust, that usually includes lies by omission, denials, jealousy, arguments, promises that may or may not be true, etc. Broken vows IMHO destroy the trust for good.
I have remained friends with most of my exes, but with the ones who cheated it took many years before it stopped mattering to me. I have cheated myself a couple of times (a long time ago) and as I recall, they chose not to remain friends.
I broke up with a very nice woman after a LTR because I had met and fallen for the woman who is now my ex wife. But I broke it off with the ex before I started sleeping with (or even kissed) the one I married, because I respected the ex, and wanted to start the new relationship fully available and single.
The ex was pissed off that I started seeing the new one so soon, but she said at least I never cheated on her. I still felt guilty but I kept that to myself.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Lorelai

Broken trust can be repaired somehow... lost trust on the other hand comes with the added weight... Is there hope?

I agree with what everyone is saying here about when trust is broken and the struggle to repair it, but the OP is talking about lost trust. She has mentioned nobody cheated or lied but instead the trust was lost. She responded more than once saying that the trust was not broken, but instead it was lost. I am certain she is not talking about leaving it in her other pants or accidently throwing it in the trash. Does she mean misplaced trust, which conjures up a different meaning for me altogether? I understand broken trust but the meaning of lost trust that is not predicated by a betrayal of some kind is not clear at all to me. Perhaps she means a betrayal that is not about lying and cheating? I wish I understood.