Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[aishah]

the thing about messiness is...another value that is very important to me personally is growing my friends, family, and community.

so, no, i wouldn't want to make decisions or encourage others to make decisions that might cause discord or cause family or community to break. in the situation with shannon and nick (my friend who set me up with her ex), that actually could have been a big problem because we're all very deeply involved in the same communities locally and they started a community space together that i participate in.

that said, i also know that no family or community can be 100% happy or un-messy or not problematic all the time. to me, avoiding these situations could potentially be more unhealthy than confronting them.

The fact is that rules work until they don't.

yes this!!

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'd be just as upset if Jeff started dating boy of weather, I think it's because my heart is attached, I wouldn't care if Jeff dated TC though, I'd probably invite them to dinner!

Interesting.. I guess right now I can't think of mine being mine cause I like mine and happen to love mine and therefore why it makes me a lil sad to picture boy of weather kissing Jeff, June, Ken, Julie, etc etc kissing them on the neck in that way he do me. Though him taking them to Happy Hour at European Street really makes my head reel. I'd have to call my therapist A LOT!

[*Anya*]

Wow!

Take a several hours off and the discussion heads in fascinating directions!

Awesome! To me, the original intent does not matter nearly as much as the directions this has taken.

It will take me an hour to read all the pages but am headed out to my folks house so it will have to wait.

Thanks all and I have learned a great deal so far.

PS: tonight is the walking dead and dexter so reading all your great posts may take me a while but I will!

[imperfect_cupcake]

for me, utterly: rules work until they don't. I've had some serious eye openers in the last year about situations. I never, ever EVER though I would do polyamorous. Non-monog I didn't want to go back and do again, but I would consider it if pushed. I was recently asked about a poly thing I would have absolutely done. And it shocked the hell out of me.

At the age of 43, I am still shocked at how I can change given situations I had never thought of. Or been in.

I can no longer say "Oh I would *never* do X" because I have finally realised that my weirdo personal god or spirit familiar or talisman or ruling ancestor (all of which I don't believe in but because I don't it's funnier for them, I'm sure) is a Trickster. There is something about my life that resembles a practical joke when I get all up in my own about something. Or make absolutes. I get smacked with a big fat lesson about it. bang.

never ever want to get married cause you don't agree with it? Bang! I'm married. Be absolutely certain, beyond even a shadow of a doubt, that my partner would never, ever cheat or lie because of her high level of integrity? smack! suprise. Never do poly? Bang! guess again. Never do monog? TA DA! Never be the other woman? well look at what you've found yourself in? never EVER do that again!!! Oh *really*??

I could go on and on and on. the only thing I can say now is

"I haven't got a fucking clue what I would do" cause if I'm sure about it, I'll get put in place by that Trickster that follows me around.

And I can be really stubborn and willful. So life has some serious tricks for me up her sleeve.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

As typical for me, I am going against the grain...

Riley and I met because of a mutual friend. They were dating; she and I were friends. He and I barely spoke b/c we do not live in the same city/state-actually none of us did. Their relationship ended and she moved on to a new relationship. He and I became better friends and eventually ended up together.

I am not saying it is right or wrong. But, love happens. And I believe that the further we are from the mainstream, the harder it is for us to find someone. If those in my local community had an absolute hands-off rule regarding an ex, we would all be single. It is unreal how hard it is to find a partner who is gay AND into D/s. One or the other is not easy but add the two and you really increase the difficulty.

We have yet to run into his ex. She is no longer friends with her, by her choice, and I am not taking away from her right to feel betrayed.

I think that there are a huge amount of variables that come into play...

~How long were they together? One month is a lot different from one year.

~Who broke up with who and why? If things ended b/c they just simply did not mesh that is one thing.

~How long have they been apart? Again, one month is a lot different from one year.

~How close were the separate friendships? If Femme W and Femme X were childhood friends that is much different than Femme Y and Femme Z who do not have an extensive history.

I'll walk this road with you, Laney, as I have dated, lived with and loved a sister femme's ex.

I'm gonna name names too, because this person X and person U and person Y stuff makes me beserk and also because this isn't badmouthing/trashing/etc. In fact, it's the opposite.

Arwen and Ebon talked me into it. I was not okay with it at first. But THEY were okay with it and with one another. That made the difference for me. If there was anything romantic or unfinished business or bad blood between them, it would have been a no go. But both of them had great seats aboard the adult train and gave me the chance to ride it with them for a little while.

Did it feel awkward and weird at first? Yes. Am I likely to do that again? Most likely not, because those two people are so spectacular, I don't think any other situation like that would work with anyone else.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Thank you all for the great, hard, thoughtful conversation! It's been really great being a part of it mad props to all you great Femmes!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Random

I have another question to pose?

What if a mate has passed away?

Would you mind if your best girlfriend hooked up with your partner if you passed away?

If you wouldn't mind then, then what is the difference between a live ex and a passed away partner?

My thoughts are:

I want my friends happy

I want my ex's (after the period of wishing them to be devoured by flesh eating demons has passed) happy...

Every one of my relationships ended because my then partner and I were not a good match... Why would I want to prevent a possible good match where both my ex and my friend found a life time love? or even just a really good time...

Would it bother me, hurt me? ya, but that's my issue... I have possession issues and if someone was once mine, then they are always mine... But I know that's not real, not healthy, and not true... It's my issue and I deal with it...

The possibility of real ever lasting real mother fucking love is slim... I'm lucky to have tasted real love twice.. I wouldn't want to be the one that stood in two other people's way... even if it hurt like hell...

Oh, for fuck's sake. What am I going to do with you and that brain of yours, girl?

If I'm dead and can't see/feel/know what's going on, it doesn't matter.

If I'm dead and I am able to keep an eye on things and like what's happening and who's dating and doing who(m), then goody goody gumdrops for everyone. I'll make it rain big, fat lollipops.

If I'm dead and I am able to keep an eye on things and I don't like my ex's new girl or guy, I'm totally haunting their asses cuz I'm evil and bitchy like that.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Oh, for fuck's sake. What am I going to do with you and that brain of yours, girl?

If I'm dead and can't see/feel/know what's going on, it doesn't matter.

If I'm dead and I am able to keep an eye on things and like what's happening and who's dating and doing who(m), then goody goody gumdrops for everyone. I'll make it rain big, fat lollipops.

If I'm dead and I am able to keep an eye on things and I don't like my ex's new girl or guy, I'm totally haunting their asses cuz I'm evil and bitchy like that.

i've requested that if i should die, that Syr never date another, because i would come back and cut the bitch.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i've requested that if i should die, that Syr never date another, because i would come back and cut the bitch.

If i die...

I would actually LOVE Bully to re-cohabitate with the whinyest, weirdest, funniest, craziest, big babyish, non normal femme she could find.

She's happy with that.

I'm living proof.

[Medusa]

I have betrothed Jackhammer to one of my girlfriends. She (my girlfriend) doesn't know it yet.

[Martina]

If Adele goes queer, I am first in line.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Martina

If Adele goes queer, I am first in line.

If she is....I think it's a pretty long line already.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

If i die...

I would actually LOVE Bully to re-cohabitate with the whinyest, weirdest, funniest, craziest, big babyish, non normal femme she could find.

She's happy with that.

I'm living proof.

Sorry, you are irreplaceable. Death is not an option.

While I am here... poor boundaries can cause a lot of problems beyond just a couple and their exes. I have seen someone new introduced into a real time circle of friends via dating who had poor boundaries not only with exes but also with friends that caused a lot of issues. When there is a small community the dating pool may be small, but it also makes it even more important to respect those in your friendship and chosen family circle. Otherwise there can be lots of problems. Most of us don't date in a vacuum. There are usually others to consider. So respect and consideration for others is key when starting to date someone new.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Random

I have another question to pose?

What if a mate has passed away?

Would you mind if your best girlfriend hooked up with your partner if you passed away?

If you wouldn't mind then, then what is the difference between a live ex and a passed away partner?

My thoughts are:

I want my friends happy

I want my ex's (after the period of wishing them to be devoured by flesh eating demons has passed) happy...

Every one of my relationships ended because my then partner and I were not a good match... Why would I want to prevent a possible good match where both my ex and my friend found a life time love? or even just a really good time...

Would it bother me, hurt me? ya, but that's my issue... I have possession issues and if someone was once mine, then they are always mine... But I know that's not real, not healthy, and not true... It's my issue and I deal with it...

The possibility of real ever lasting real mother fucking love is slim... I'm lucky to have tasted real love twice.. I wouldn't want to be the one that stood in two other people's way... even if it hurt like hell...

yanno, i often suspect that if i died people would find themselves breathing a secretive sigh of relief because they were safe at last. or is that free at last? (scratching head) either way. i say date whomever you like. life is short. i mean, i'm dead so obviously my life was shorter than yours but you get my point, yes? what?! you want i should come back and haunt you until you have no other way to be rid of me but to date? oy! date already! (shaking head) so much narrischkeit. you dont have enough to worry about alive without getting verklemptisch over who dates who when you're dead?! personally, i say if you find someone who can make a decent knish and doesnt talk about their colon too much you should marry 'em! everything else is window dressing.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm a micromanager so when I had surgery recently I stopped to think about my property, I'd not had that thought regarding boy of weather and I was like . So we sat down and I made the arrangements I know who I leave him with will love and protect him pretty close to what I do, plus he'd have reinforcements at anytime because I'd ask my family be it chosen or not to please always make sure everything ok. I'm not clutching to my property out of a selfish need, where ever whenever I'll know that if mine need something anything from a hug to a safe place to sleep mine will have it. If mine find another I'll rest better knowing that a good sniffer will guide mine safe. The happiness and safety led me to this decision, I went into surgery knowing everyone in my pack was safe and that I loved them.

As a Sadist I secretly wish I could come back and scare the fuck out of my slaves while in some form of service so they'd fuck it up and either restart or have a lot of explaining to do.

That though may belong in the BDSM zone!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Or maybe the listening thread

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm a micromanager so when I had surgery recently I stopped to think about my property, I'd not had that thought regarding boy of weather and I was like . So we sat down and I made the arrangements I know who I leave him with will love and protect him pretty close to what I do, plus he'd have reinforcements at anytime because I'd ask my family be it chosen or not to please always make sure everything ok. I'm not clutching to my property out of a selfish need, where ever whenever I'll know that if mine need something anything from a hug to a safe place to sleep mine will have it. If mine find another I'll rest better knowing that a good sniffer will guide mine safe. The happiness and safety led me to this decision, I went into surgery knowing everyone in my pack was safe and that I loved them.

As a Sadist I secretly wish I could come back and scare the fuck out of my slaves while in some form of service so they'd fuck it up and either restart or have a lot of explaining to do.

That though may belong in the BDSM zone!

Holy heck Snow, this is one of the most impacting posts i've ever read.

[Mike]

Can someone give me the list of who I can date? At this point i think its gotten shorter, I had to scratch off Snow and Weatherboi, Jack and Medusa, June and Kat.

[julieisafemme]

I applaud you for this Lady Snow. It is very hard for for people to plan for what might happen if they were to die or become incapacitated. I would hope that Greyson would move on and find love if something were to happen to me (G-d forbid). Taking care of those we love to me means thinking of all enventualities, be it financial, spiritual, emotional or anything else.

I think that I have experienced the hurt of watching someone I loved move on without me. As I age it hurts less and those breakups have brought me to where I am now and that is a very happy place!

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm a micromanager so when I had surgery recently I stopped to think about my property, I'd not had that thought regarding boy of weather and I was like . So we sat down and I made the arrangements I know who I leave him with will love and protect him pretty close to what I do, plus he'd have reinforcements at anytime because I'd ask my family be it chosen or not to please always make sure everything ok. I'm not clutching to my property out of a selfish need, where ever whenever I'll know that if mine need something anything from a hug to a safe place to sleep mine will have it. If mine find another I'll rest better knowing that a good sniffer will guide mine safe. The happiness and safety led me to this decision, I went into surgery knowing everyone in my pack was safe and that I loved them.

As a Sadist I secretly wish I could come back and scare the fuck out of my slaves while in some form of service so they'd fuck it up and either restart or have a lot of explaining to do.

That though may belong in the BDSM zone!

[Soft*Silver]

good luck to chrissy if I should die. He may date or fuck or sub to anyone he would chose, but to do so in honor of my love for him. I dont want him out there doing destructive stuff. I want him to be happy and saited and safe.

I am changing my deed to my house. It is going to have him on it as part owner and I am taking my daughter off as the person it goes to if I should die. If you follow my posts you will know why. She would never care for him and would sell the house out from under him and render him homeless if I pass before him. This will not happen if I can help it. I suggest everyone look into property matters NOW for your loved ones...