Setting the bar high?

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

If you mean "changing the bar" yeah, there are things I've changed in the last five years that I thought were really important and found out were actually just icing things.

1) Dress sense. I do find large urban metropolis metrosexual masculine (dandy wear) to be insanely hot. Just do. Sharp urban dress sense can turn my head on the street, it's pretty much one of the only things that can. I used to think that meant a partner needed at least a bit of that.
No, it doesn't, not at all.
As long as they have some fucking clue about how to iron shirt/jeans (even a high quality tshirt) and wearing good clothes (I mean, things that aren't worn out) and *clean,* and know not to wear a fucking baseball hat, hiking boots, or a polar fleece jacket on a date - then I'm good. Just show me you've taken 20 minutes to try? (environment appropriate of course). Because people showing up looking like they popped on something "this doesn't smell yet" isn't hot. My bar is still higher than that. Yes it's happened. A lot. Vancouver, innit.

2) They need to ID as a butch, and have been IDing for at least 5 years.
I remember why I made that rule, and I think at the time it was OK. I was dating purely from the dash site, and thus only from the US, and it was 1999-2003. I think I got very fed up with people discovering they were butches, that a femme desired them, then running off and shagging every femme that moved in their direction.

Being "My First Femme" was pissing me off at that point.

However, when I moved to the UK the whole ID thing isn't the same puddle as it is in the US. So, I had to change it and drop that bar again. Yes, I put my shingle out again as My First Femme, quite a bit, and yes, that did smart, but I started getting teased by friends that "well babs, everyone has a purpose in life... you sure are educating a lot of newbie butchies lolz" :s
I'd just joke back I took my Butch Conversion Kit with me wherever I went.
It doesn't bother much anymore. I don't really care if people shag other folks, I've never cared too much about that. It's the running off and having new primary relationships that has pissed me off.
But that bar has changed - I no longer care too much about other girlfriends anymore either. As long as I don't get Drama By Proxy (DO NOT pull me into any other relationship drama, I'm not interested, EVER, and it will end ours really *fast*). So I think I'm ok with being My First Femme, still. Hypothetically. I'm not out there presently.

So yeah, bars like that shift. Some are icing (like dress sense) and some are really important questions - Do I take up with newbs? What about open r'ships? What kind?

If that's been your experience in your romantic life, Cupcake, then I don't blame you one iota for removing yourself from the dating and/or relationship pool, because what you've described makes my head hurt!

I can't say that I hear you because your experience is nowhere close to any experiences I've had in life.

But I would like to say, consider this: IF we are given an syllabus of course expectations and standards for a college course, THEN it is plausible to believe that if you have to bring your A-game to the college course to pass the course, then that's what ya gotta do, right?

The example I just gave is the closest example I can think of that lands in the same ballpark as...Setting the bar high.

In other words, if we know we got to bring our A-game to pass the course, then bring it or stay home.

Those other things that play a role in having your A-game to be A-game proper?? You know, things you mentioned above, like knowing who you are (are you butch, femme, trans, bi, queen et al?), being self sufficient of your own accord, having your life in order, not thriving on drama or causing trauma? These things are important to the A-game scenario and contribute to "setting the bar high."

My questions (two of them) to consider were as follows: 1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high) and, 2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I'm no therapist and I certainly don't have any definitive answers, but I do wonder at times about this thing called "setting the bar high."

I sometimes wonder if that's what the majority of people in healthy functioning relationships, relationships which have not devolved into throat punching or divorce or other things that are commonly known as deal breakers, tell themselves when they're in a relationship that is working to the satisfaction of both people in the romantic relationship.

Out of all the few experiences I've had, only one of relationship felt really good to me...did I bring my A-game? Not concsiously, but I imagine I was at the top of my game. They liked me a lot, we got along great. We vacationed together and we're very close with each other romantically. But I never once thought of myself as "setting the bar high." See what I mean?

I don't have any expectations for how this subject of discussion will go or flow, but I do know that in order for some sense of order, I'd like for people who respond to think of the two questions I've proposed. Think only of those two things and what it means to you.

Take what you need as food for thought. If nothing works for you, then pass it along to anyone you know who might be wondering too.

Relationships are not uncomplicated. Relationships, romantic or platonic, are as unique as each individual. Romantic love can be a pain in the ass. Love can also be a blessing. And sometimes, love is not enough.



Thanks for your post imperfect_cupcake, I think you asked some great questions and I appreciate your taking the time to share!