Setting the bar high? - Page 2

girl_dee · 09-23-2017, 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I
My personal thoughts about "setting the bar high" revolve around the fact that just because we do that, it doesn't always guarantee that you'll end up with the right person.

i agree with this. it does not guarantee a thing. i just know what i like and don't like in a person, there are no guarantees no matter how high you set the bar

Kätzchen · 09-23-2017, 07:45 AM

It's an early morning for me today, but once again I want to pause and reflect and express thanks to members who've dropped by to read other contributions by members in our community.

Thank you Medusa, girl_dee, Ms Tinkerbelly, and imperfect cupcake for your willingness to expand on and discuss what ...Setting the bar high means to each of you.

Here's why I think this topic of discussion and observation is important: Each one of us is at a different stage in our lives. Some of us are young, some if us are in our 30's and 40s, then there's those of us who are in our late 50s (me) and we've got people in our community with considerable life experience who are in the 60s or 70s..... I think it's critical for us to note that life is not static. Life's dynamics includes your physical age, your own experiences in life, and how the experiences shape our world views and inform us on our level or capacity to learn skills which help us to adapt readily, by either adopting an new way to exist in our daily lives or gives us skills to reject or accept any number of things, which shape our lives.

I want to remind readers again, to give this topic your careful attention. I thought to myself the other day, what can we as a community of participants do, to not only share about our own views, but give to ourselves and others around us, in positive productive ways? Which, it led me to think about members in our community who might just be having a moment of personal growth or maybe there's a member who just can't quite "connect the dots." I personally think that sharing our views in communal ways helps each of us to become more articulate in what we want for ourselves and others whom we interact with.

A place where we can learn and grow; by reading and observing how we each have grown by sharing our learning experiences. ...especially as it concerns the topic of Setting the bar high.

I look forward to member participation and reading each persons account on what you thing "setting the bar high" means to you and if doing so, has it improved your chances finding an lasting relationship or not.

I really appreciate girl_dee for posting this morning the number one idea I've had all along about setting the bar high and whether you found your self in a lasting relationship or not: I agree whole heartedly that just because you 'set the bar high' , it does not mean or guarantee you'll find your self in a lasting relationship.

I want to also say that I think Medusa's observation about an system of rewards is exceptional! I'd say that's worth looking at in this bigger scope of "setting the bar high"..... thanks for that gem, Medusa. Good thinking point, indeed.

imperfect_cupcake · 09-23-2017, 06:53 PM

If you mean "changing the bar" yeah, there are things I've changed in the last five years that I thought were really important and found out were actually just icing things.

1) Dress sense. I do find large urban metropolis metrosexual masculine (dandy wear) to be insanely hot. Just do. Sharp urban dress sense can turn my head on the street, it's pretty much one of the only things that can. I used to think that meant a partner needed at least a bit of that.
No, it doesn't, not at all.
As long as they have some fucking clue about how to iron shirt/jeans (even a high quality tshirt) and wearing good clothes (I mean, things that aren't worn out) and *clean,* and know not to wear a fucking baseball hat, hiking boots, or a polar fleece jacket on a date - then I'm good. Just show me you've taken 20 minutes to try? (environment appropriate of course). Because people showing up looking like they popped on something "this doesn't smell yet" isn't hot. My bar is still higher than that. Yes it's happened. A lot. Vancouver, innit.

2) They need to ID as a butch, and have been IDing for at least 5 years.
I remember why I made that rule, and I think at the time it was OK. I was dating purely from the dash site, and thus only from the US, and it was 1999-2003. I think I got very fed up with people discovering they were butches, that a femme desired them, then running off and shagging every femme that moved in their direction.

Being "My First Femme" was pissing me off at that point.

However, when I moved to the UK the whole ID thing isn't the same puddle as it is in the US. So, I had to change it and drop that bar again. Yes, I put my shingle out again as My First Femme, quite a bit, and yes, that did smart, but I started getting teased by friends that "well babs, everyone has a purpose in life... you sure are educating a lot of newbie butchies lolz" :s
I'd just joke back I took my Butch Conversion Kit with me wherever I went.
It doesn't bother much anymore. I don't really care if people shag other folks, I've never cared too much about that. It's the running off and having new primary relationships that has pissed me off.
But that bar has changed - I no longer care too much about other girlfriends anymore either. As long as I don't get Drama By Proxy (DO NOT pull me into any other relationship drama, I'm not interested, EVER, and it will end ours really *fast*). So I think I'm ok with being My First Femme, still. Hypothetically. I'm not out there presently.

So yeah, bars like that shift. Some are icing (like dress sense) and some are really important questions - Do I take up with newbs? What about open r'ships? What kind?

Kätzchen · 09-23-2017, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

If you mean "changing the bar" yeah, there are things I've changed in the last five years that I thought were really important and found out were actually just icing things.

1) Dress sense. I do find large urban metropolis metrosexual masculine (dandy wear) to be insanely hot. Just do. Sharp urban dress sense can turn my head on the street, it's pretty much one of the only things that can. I used to think that meant a partner needed at least a bit of that.
No, it doesn't, not at all.
As long as they have some fucking clue about how to iron shirt/jeans (even a high quality tshirt) and wearing good clothes (I mean, things that aren't worn out) and *clean,* and know not to wear a fucking baseball hat, hiking boots, or a polar fleece jacket on a date - then I'm good. Just show me you've taken 20 minutes to try? (environment appropriate of course). Because people showing up looking like they popped on something "this doesn't smell yet" isn't hot. My bar is still higher than that. Yes it's happened. A lot. Vancouver, innit.

2) They need to ID as a butch, and have been IDing for at least 5 years.
I remember why I made that rule, and I think at the time it was OK. I was dating purely from the dash site, and thus only from the US, and it was 1999-2003. I think I got very fed up with people discovering they were butches, that a femme desired them, then running off and shagging every femme that moved in their direction.

Being "My First Femme" was pissing me off at that point.

However, when I moved to the UK the whole ID thing isn't the same puddle as it is in the US. So, I had to change it and drop that bar again. Yes, I put my shingle out again as My First Femme, quite a bit, and yes, that did smart, but I started getting teased by friends that "well babs, everyone has a purpose in life... you sure are educating a lot of newbie butchies lolz" :s
I'd just joke back I took my Butch Conversion Kit with me wherever I went.
It doesn't bother much anymore. I don't really care if people shag other folks, I've never cared too much about that. It's the running off and having new primary relationships that has pissed me off.
But that bar has changed - I no longer care too much about other girlfriends anymore either. As long as I don't get Drama By Proxy (DO NOT pull me into any other relationship drama, I'm not interested, EVER, and it will end ours really *fast*). So I think I'm ok with being My First Femme, still. Hypothetically. I'm not out there presently.

So yeah, bars like that shift. Some are icing (like dress sense) and some are really important questions - Do I take up with newbs? What about open r'ships? What kind?

If that's been your experience in your romantic life, Cupcake, then I don't blame you one iota for removing yourself from the dating and/or relationship pool, because what you've described makes my head hurt!

I can't say that I hear you because your experience is nowhere close to any experiences I've had in life.

But I would like to say, consider this: IF we are given an syllabus of course expectations and standards for a college course, THEN it is plausible to believe that if you have to bring your A-game to the college course to pass the course, then that's what ya gotta do, right?

The example I just gave is the closest example I can think of that lands in the same ballpark as...Setting the bar high.

In other words, if we know we got to bring our A-game to pass the course, then bring it or stay home.

Those other things that play a role in having your A-game to be A-game proper?? You know, things you mentioned above, like knowing who you are (are you butch, femme, trans, bi, queen et al?), being self sufficient of your own accord, having your life in order, not thriving on drama or causing trauma? These things are important to the A-game scenario and contribute to "setting the bar high."

My questions (two of them) to consider were as follows: 1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high) and, 2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I'm no therapist and I certainly don't have any definitive answers, but I do wonder at times about this thing called "setting the bar high."

I sometimes wonder if that's what the majority of people in healthy functioning relationships, relationships which have not devolved into throat punching or divorce or other things that are commonly known as deal breakers, tell themselves when they're in a relationship that is working to the satisfaction of both people in the romantic relationship.

Out of all the few experiences I've had, only one of relationship felt really good to me...did I bring my A-game? Not concsiously, but I imagine I was at the top of my game. They liked me a lot, we got along great. We vacationed together and we're very close with each other romantically. But I never once thought of myself as "setting the bar high." See what I mean?

I don't have any expectations for how this subject of discussion will go or flow, but I do know that in order for some sense of order, I'd like for people who respond to think of the two questions I've proposed. Think only of those two things and what it means to you.

Take what you need as food for thought. If nothing works for you, then pass it along to anyone you know who might be wondering too.

Relationships are not uncomplicated. Relationships, romantic or platonic, are as unique as each individual. Romantic love can be a pain in the ass. Love can also be a blessing. And sometimes, love is not enough.

Thanks for your post imperfect_cupcake, I think you asked some great questions and I appreciate your taking the time to share!

imperfect_cupcake · 09-23-2017, 10:17 PM

yeah, I did respond to those questions but I think you just brought up a different and really good point - expectations and lasting relationships.

I think I have changed my "game" altogether. I am not presently in the game because I have other shit to finish with, not because I don't wanna have a toe in.

When I get finished with that stuff, yeah, I'll be open to accepting offers. But my expectations and my entire game has changed. I no longer expect an escalator relationship. That means, I no longer expect me and A will meet, talk, date, start seeing each other, fall in love, make a promise to each other, move in, raise a dog and go on vacations together.

Or hower people have gradual progressive expectations of intimate relationships. I sincerely don't expect mine will last my lifetime. I don't believe that is the statistical average. I think it's extremely rare. So, I don't think it's healthy for me to expect that. I think it sets me up to expect promises that can't be properly kept although sincerely made, and for others to fail on their delivery. It sets up a feeling of failure in my relationships. I think it's unfair and hurtful, those expectations, for me and the other person. So, that's not the game I play anymore, nor is it a bar I am trying to jump over.

That does not mean I don't expect someone's respect, care, loyalty, honesty, and to work at building trust, companionship, and true friendship. I totally expect that. But no, I don't expect the romance and sex to last my lifetime. If it does, that would be awesome.

That also means my A-game - as you put it - with myself has changed completely. What my *self* expectations are are quite different. because I do not expect someone to be there for the rest of my life.

That means I have to be there for me. And it makes accepting other people's ability to only stay three years, five years, or seven years, or nine years a lot easier. Because I have *my* housing sorted out, *my* career sorted, *my* RRSP plans, *my* insurance premiums being paid, *my* friends I love, *my* local community, *my* education plans. So whether someone loves me romantically or not, that is all still there. Nothing falls apart if we decide it's changing to a friendship, or they move to Denmark, or they decide they want to suddenly get monogamously married to my co-worker (seriously, at this point in my life, that wouldn't even surprise me).

So, I have changed my own bar for me. My expectations on what I do, for me.

My first and most important lasting relationship will always be with me. I have to start acting like that's true by taking care of *me* first, by making sure *my* needs are met before I even think of trying to enter into dating again. I don't want to be dating because I'm trying to find security, or affirmation, or stave off loneliness.

So I suppose that's setting my own bar, for me, quite high. and in doing that, I hope to keep certain expectations of certain things from others, low. I still expect honesty, care, companionship. I just don't expect a specific length of time... because how long is a piece of string?

I know that's also not a popular take. I know things that are ok with me are usually deal breakers with others - shag who you want, I don't expect forever, we won't be living together, and I sure as fuck ain't doing your laundry.

But if I like you, it will be utterly sincere, there won't be games, I'm blunt as hell so you'll never have to guess, I'm generous, I'll make you laugh, I'm loyal, and I'll never pressure you. Your decisions will always be yours. I will always respect your privacy. And if you need to talk to me, I will put the friendship between us first, before the romance, always. That's the kind of girl I know I am because those are things I don't have difficulty with and are core to my values.

So I guess, yes. getting to really, really know myself, on my own, has been sorely needed to understand what I need to do for me, so I can bring things that are important to me (deep friendship, independence, self-responsibility, loyalty), rather than what I think most of the population wants (monogamy, promises of long term, interdependence, romance, fidelity, linked security).

Thanks for helping me articulate that.

imperfect_cupcake · 09-23-2017, 10:20 PM

so to answer your second question 2)

No. but the quality of relationship I'm hoping will be much better.

MsTinkerbelly · 09-24-2017, 12:51 PM

Answer to question #1. If I start out with a high bar, users and most losers (in my opinion) are not even an issue.

#2. There are no guarantees in this life...but at least I have given myself a chance to find someone that has qualities similar to mine.

Deborah* · 10-12-2017, 07:31 PM

Yes, I believe in setting the bar high.

I'm consistently working on myself to make sure I achieve my dreams, and I know what's really important is if I want to have a partner, this person will need to be a good fit for me, meaning the same type life goals, lifestyle etc. as myself.

One of my mentors said the five people closest to me color (influence) me the most, and therefore be cautious with choosing friends. How much more so the importance of who I should want for a partner. I know what I'm looking for and I won't settle for less.

Deborah

Amulette · 07-24-2019, 10:58 PM

Setting the bar high:
To establish an expected, required, or desired standard of quality.

To me that sounds like knowing what I want in a relationship. I think that self exploration of what that "bar" is, is necessary, because I would need to know myself intimately to know what I want and need from others.

So setting the bar high would mean to me: being true to myself and the vision I hold for my life. True love would never take me away from that. It would nourish and embellish that, for both of us. On an intellectual even emotional level I say yes, that makes perfect sense.

If only love was that rational. Love is messy. A friend always said to me "we can't control who our hearts choose to love." I have found that to be true. No matter how much someone fits my intellectual vision, if my heart is not 100% in, it's not worth it. If there's not chemistry, it's not worth it. So for me it's the dance of the two. The older I get the more discerning I get. I know myself better.

There is one more thing that I see play out for all the people I know. Where our hearts are damaged we attract people who force us to find healing. It often happens through pain. We attract the same situations in different flavors over and over again. It's like the movie "Groundhog Day". So I have come to believe that the only way to find that juicy satisfying love is the heal my own heart. Do the work. Make your beautiful heart whole again, then see what love brings you. You can't intellectualize that change.

Kätzchen · 07-25-2019, 09:00 PM

Nearly two years ago, I penned the opening post concerning the social construction of what seems to be a generational type message, most all of us have heard at one time or another in life: The notion of "Setting the bar high." After re-reading posts from two years ago, it dawned on me that I never really answered the two questions I posed. Yet, I did interact conversationally with members who've posted in this thread.

So, once again, here are the two original questions I asked members to think about, concerning the subject of discussion:

1) What purpose is served?

And...

2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?

First Question: I do not think 'setting the bar high' is something I consciously do when it comes to any sort of romantic endeavor. I mentioned in one prior post that when I dated someone I became close with as a friend, I never once gave this type of social constructed idea any place in my mind because I basically don't believe in 'setting the bar high'. I have always taken care to present myself as who I am and that is important to me because I live with myself every day and because I have a conscience, I try to live my life by sets of ideas that are basically core competencies I think are incredibly valuable -- to myself and to others in my life. Core competencies of being kind, thoughtful, respectful and observant and maintaining my own boundaries, even if I have to re-map boundaries to help me feel better or to prioritize for my own safety.

I actually think that the social notion shares ties with another social conception concerning hierarchal achievement we often see in the workplace or that is taught via religious notions, if that makes sense at all. For example, another member suggested that reward systems might be part of the idea of 'setting the bar high', but even if so, then doesn't that itself illustrate the idea that 'setting the bar high' is of hierarchal design?

I'm not fond of hierarchal systems because while organizing and prioritizing for better conditions or results (or what ever one might suggest) seems like a good thing to do, I often wonder if too much of any one thing might keep us from seeing how placing too much emphasis on 'setting the high bar' might keep us from noticing what we need to see and acknowledge, so we can be sure we are seeing ourselves and others in the least biased process possible (this is very important to me).

I say that because of experiences I have had over the years, when it comes to getting to know someone better. I said it before, right here in my own thread, that when I last dated someone very special, neither of us even thought about or even measured ourselves against the social construct of 'setting the bar high.' We weren't even friends, in the beginning. But we were a friend to each other, which led to us creating a lasting friendship, even when we both saw that neither of us could go on in what became a dating relationship, after spending about a year, getting to know each other. Ever once in a while, we see each other at a distance, socially, because we both have mutual friends between the two of us and so while we don't see each other romantically at all, we do value the deep friendship we have still today, even if it never worked out for us at all. He's a pretty cool guy and he thinks the world of me, but it just wasn't in the cards for us, back in that point of time, four or five years ago (2014-2015, gosh time flies).

Second Question: I don't think 'setting the bar high' has any inkling to do with a successful, fulfilling relationship. I really don't. The reason I feel this way, and think this way about it, is because I am responsible for my own life and my own happiness. I like to make responsible choices that will make my life better. And for the past few years, I've not wanted to date or even be in a romantic relationship. And I chalk that up to being mature, placing my own care of self first; and having just turned 60, I don't feel the need anymore to up-end my life with the ever changing dynamics of sharing ones life with another person. I'm quite happy on my own. And it had nothing at all to do with … 'setting the bar high.'

If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.

Amulette · 07-25-2019, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.

Yes Kätzchen it was nice to hear your take on the subject, thanks. I would be interested in hearing how you define the the phrase "setting the bar high". You mentioned social and work structures. Are you talking about social status? Kind of like marrying up in status?

LOL I took the convo to be high expectations of how we expect to be treated and loved, that bar.

Kätzchen · 07-25-2019, 11:31 PM

It sounds like to me like you most likely haven't read the entire thread, from start to finish. I hope you will take the time to read the forum thread in its entirety. Most likely, you will find the answers you're looking for.

Good night and take good care,
--K.

tantalizingfemme · 07-26-2019, 02:37 AM

1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high)

Thinking back over my different relationships, I thought I had set the bar high, but my idea of a high bar today is entirely different then what it was 30 years ago. I have grown, learned and evolved my own sense of self which has set my own personal bar higher and higher. Considering that my initial set bar was based on how I was brought up and the dynamics and beliefs I learned about myself from my family of origin, my bar was set really low. I only knew how to be treated from my family of origin (which I thought was normal) and because there was dysfunction and toxicity my high bar was set at "if you showed me any interest, that was good enough for me". Looking back through my relationships I now realize there was no bar set because I believed I didn't deserve that, that I should be happy anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me. Things are very different now. I now view setting the bar high as a way of honoring and respecting me and how I will and will not be treated (boundaries). Setting the bar high, for me, is a healthy way to ensure that I know what is and isn't important to me when it comes to being in a relationship, and not just knowing, but practicing it. Also, I see this as something that is ever evolving and changing, not stagnant. It is an integral practice that takes what we have experienced and removing what didn't work, and adding what was missing, over and over.

2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I do think that setting a bar high guarantees bettering my chances at a lasting relationship. I know what I do and don't want and if I were to start dating again it will help me weed out those who do and do not fit the bill. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Been there done that and I deserve what will make me happy. Now is my bar set in stone, nope. Are there some hard stops? Yes. But there are some things that float in the gray area. I have yet to figure out where the highest setting is (if there really is one) but the more experiences I have, the more I learn about me in a relationship, the more changes will be made and the more I will solidify some ideals already there. And with all of this, I expect whomever I may end up being in a relationship will have also set their bar high and I am a fit for them, and they are not just settling, just as I refuse to settle.

kittygrrl · 07-26-2019, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high)

Thinking back over my different relationships, I thought I had set the bar high, but my idea of a high bar today is entirely different then what it was 30 years ago. I have grown, learned and evolved my own sense of self which has set my own personal bar higher and higher. Considering that my initial set bar was based on how I was brought up and the dynamics and beliefs I learned about myself from my family of origin, my bar was set really low. I only knew how to be treated from my family of origin (which I thought was normal) and because there was dysfunction and toxicity my high bar was set at "if you showed me any interest, that was good enough for me". Looking back through my relationships I now realize there was no bar set because I believed I didn't deserve that, that I should be happy anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me. Things are very different now. I now view setting the bar high as a way of honoring and respecting me and how I will and will not be treated (boundaries). Setting the bar high, for me, is a healthy way to ensure that I know what is and isn't important to me when it comes to being in a relationship, and not just knowing, but practicing it. Also, I see this as something that is ever evolving and changing, not stagnant. It is an integral practice that takes what we have experienced and removing what didn't work, and adding what was missing, over and over.

2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I do think that setting a bar high guarantees bettering my chances at a lasting relationship. I know what I do and don't want and if I were to start dating again it will help me weed out those who do and do not fit the bill. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Been there done that and I deserve what will make me happy. Now is my bar set in stone, nope. Are there some hard stops? Yes. But there are some things that float in the gray area. I have yet to figure out where the highest setting is (if there really is one) but the more experiences I have, the more I learn about me in a relationship, the more changes will be made and the more I will solidify some ideals already there. And with all of this, I expect whomever I may end up being in a relationship will have also set their bar high and I am a fit for them, and they are not just settling, just as I refuse to settle.

Wise words tantalizing...

07-25-2019, 09:00 PM	#30
Kätzchen Member How Do You Identify?: As a very feminine woman. Relationship Status: Unavailable (on hiatus). Join Date: May 2010 Location: Near smoke signals in the sky. Posts: 16,191 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,503 Thanked 33,605 Times in 10,705 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	My Thoughts on the subject of "Setting the bar high?" Nearly two years ago, I penned the opening post concerning the social construction of what seems to be a generational type message, most all of us have heard at one time or another in life: The notion of "Setting the bar high." After re-reading posts from two years ago, it dawned on me that I never really answered the two questions I posed. Yet, I did interact conversationally with members who've posted in this thread. So, once again, here are the two original questions I asked members to think about, concerning the subject of discussion: 1) What purpose is served? And... 2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship? *First Question:* I do not think 'setting the bar high' is something I consciously do when it comes to any sort of romantic endeavor. I mentioned in one prior post that when I dated someone I became close with as a friend, I never once gave this type of social constructed idea any place in my mind because I basically don't believe in 'setting the bar high'. I have always taken care to present myself as who I am and that is important to me because I live with myself every day and because I have a conscience, I try to live my life by sets of ideas that are basically core competencies I think are incredibly valuable -- to myself and to others in my life. Core competencies of being kind, thoughtful, respectful and observant and maintaining my own boundaries, even if I have to re-map boundaries to help me feel better or to prioritize for my own safety. I actually think that the social notion shares ties with another social conception concerning hierarchal achievement we often see in the workplace or that is taught via religious notions, if that makes sense at all. For example, another member suggested that reward systems might be part of the idea of 'setting the bar high', but even if so, then doesn't that itself illustrate the idea that 'setting the bar high' is of hierarchal design? I'm not fond of hierarchal systems because while organizing and prioritizing for better conditions or results (or what ever one might suggest) seems like a good thing to do, I often wonder if too much of any one thing might keep us from seeing how placing too much emphasis on 'setting the high bar' might keep us from noticing what we need to see and acknowledge, so we can be sure we are seeing ourselves and others in the least biased process possible (this is very important to me). I say that because of experiences I have had over the years, when it comes to getting to know someone better. I said it before, right here in my own thread, that when I last dated someone very special, neither of us even thought about or even measured ourselves against the social construct of 'setting the bar high.' We weren't even friends, in the beginning. But we were a friend to each other, which led to us creating a lasting friendship, even when we both saw that neither of us could go on in what became a dating relationship, after spending about a year, getting to know each other. Ever once in a while, we see each other at a distance, socially, because we both have mutual friends between the two of us and so while we don't see each other romantically at all, we do value the deep friendship we have still today, even if it never worked out for us at all. He's a pretty cool guy and he thinks the world of me, but it just wasn't in the cards for us, back in that point of time, four or five years ago (2014-2015, gosh time flies). *Second Question:* I don't think 'setting the bar high' has any inkling to do with a successful, fulfilling relationship. I really don't. The reason I feel this way, and think this way about it, is because I am responsible for my own life and my own happiness. I like to make responsible choices that will make my life better. And for the past few years, I've not wanted to date or even be in a romantic relationship. And I chalk that up to being mature, placing my own care of self first; and having just turned 60, I don't feel the need anymore to up-end my life with the ever changing dynamics of sharing ones life with another person. I'm quite happy on my own. And it had nothing at all to do with … 'setting the bar high.' If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way. __________________ “The way someone treats you is not a reflection of your worth: It’s a reflection of their emotional capacity,” — Jillian Turecki. “The smartest people are clearly the best listeners,” — Audible. I’m doing my part, as an American citizen, who is concerned about losing our Democracy: I boycott agencies and businesses and service providers who do not support the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Support Democracy: Vote Blue

07-25-2019, 11:31 PM	#32
Kätzchen Member How Do You Identify?: As a very feminine woman. Relationship Status: Unavailable (on hiatus). Join Date: May 2010 Location: Near smoke signals in the sky. Posts: 16,191 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,503 Thanked 33,605 Times in 10,705 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	@ Amulette It sounds like to me like you most likely haven't read the entire thread, from start to finish. I hope you will take the time to read the forum thread in its entirety. Most likely, you will find the answers you're looking for. Good night and take good care, --K. __________________ “The way someone treats you is not a reflection of your worth: It’s a reflection of their emotional capacity,” — Jillian Turecki. “The smartest people are clearly the best listeners,” — Audible. I’m doing my part, as an American citizen, who is concerned about losing our Democracy: I boycott agencies and businesses and service providers who do not support the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Support Democracy: Vote Blue

09-23-2017, 07:45 AM	#22
Kätzchen Member How Do You Identify?: As a very feminine woman. Relationship Status: Unavailable (on hiatus). Join Date: May 2010 Location: Near smoke signals in the sky. Posts: 16,191 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,503 Thanked 33,605 Times in 10,705 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	It's an early morning for me today, but once again I want to pause and reflect and express thanks to members who've dropped by to read other contributions by members in our community. Thank you Medusa, girl_dee, Ms Tinkerbelly, and imperfect cupcake for your willingness to expand on and discuss what ...Setting the bar high means to each of you. Here's why I think this topic of discussion and observation is important: Each one of us is at a different stage in our lives. Some of us are young, some if us are in our 30's and 40s, then there's those of us who are in our late 50s (me) and we've got people in our community with considerable life experience who are in the 60s or 70s..... I think it's critical for us to note that life is not static. Life's dynamics includes your physical age, your own experiences in life, and how the experiences shape our world views and inform us on our level or capacity to learn skills which help us to adapt readily, by either adopting an new way to exist in our daily lives or gives us skills to reject or accept any number of things, which shape our lives. I want to remind readers again, to give this topic your careful attention. I thought to myself the other day, what can we as a community of participants do, to not only share about our own views, but give to ourselves and others around us, in positive productive ways? Which, it led me to think about members in our community who might just be having a moment of personal growth or maybe there's a member who just can't quite "connect the dots." I personally think that sharing our views in communal ways helps each of us to become more articulate in what we want for ourselves and others whom we interact with. A place where we can learn and grow; by reading and observing how we each have grown by sharing our learning experiences. ...especially as it concerns the topic of Setting the bar high. I look forward to member participation and reading each persons account on what you thing "setting the bar high" means to you and if doing so, has it improved your chances finding an lasting relationship or not. I really appreciate girl_dee for posting this morning the number one idea I've had all along about setting the bar high and whether you found your self in a lasting relationship or not: I agree whole heartedly that just because you 'set the bar high' , it does not mean or guarantee you'll find your self in a lasting relationship. I want to also say that I think Medusa's observation about an system of rewards is exceptional! I'd say that's worth looking at in this bigger scope of "setting the bar high"..... thanks for that gem, Medusa. Good thinking point, indeed.

09-23-2017, 06:53 PM	#23
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	If you mean "changing the bar" yeah, there are things I've changed in the last five years that I thought were really important and found out were actually just icing things. 1) Dress sense. I do find large urban metropolis metrosexual masculine (dandy wear) to be insanely hot. Just do. Sharp urban dress sense can turn my head on the street, it's pretty much one of the only things that can. I used to think that meant a partner needed at least a bit of that. No, it doesn't, not at all. As long as they have some fucking clue about how to iron shirt/jeans (even a high quality tshirt) and wearing good clothes (I mean, things that aren't worn out) and clean, and know not to wear a fucking baseball hat, hiking boots, or a polar fleece jacket on a date - then I'm good. Just show me you've taken 20 minutes to try? (environment appropriate of course). Because people showing up looking like they popped on something "this doesn't smell yet" isn't hot. My bar is still higher than that. Yes it's happened. A lot. Vancouver, innit. 2) They need to ID as a butch, and have been IDing for at least 5 years. I remember why I made that rule, and I think at the time it was OK. I was dating purely from the dash site, and thus only from the US, and it was 1999-2003. I think I got very fed up with people discovering they were butches, that a femme desired them, then running off and shagging every femme that moved in their direction. Being "My First Femme" was pissing me off at that point. However, when I moved to the UK the whole ID thing isn't the same puddle as it is in the US. So, I had to change it and drop that bar again. Yes, I put my shingle out again as My First Femme, quite a bit, and yes, that did smart, but I started getting teased by friends that "well babs, everyone has a purpose in life... you sure are educating a lot of newbie butchies lolz" :s I'd just joke back I took my Butch Conversion Kit with me wherever I went. It doesn't bother much anymore. I don't really care if people shag other folks, I've never cared too much about that. It's the running off and having new primary relationships that has pissed me off. But that bar has changed - I no longer care too much about other girlfriends anymore either. As long as I don't get Drama By Proxy (DO NOT pull me into any other relationship drama, I'm not interested, EVER, and it will end ours really fast). So I think I'm ok with being My First Femme, still. Hypothetically. I'm not out there presently. So yeah, bars like that shift. Some are icing (like dress sense) and some are really important questions - Do I take up with newbs? What about open r'ships? What kind?

09-23-2017, 10:17 PM	#25
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	yeah, I did respond to those questions but I think you just brought up a different and really good point - expectations and lasting relationships. I think I have changed my "game" altogether. I am not presently in the game because I have other shit to finish with, not because I don't wanna have a toe in. When I get finished with that stuff, yeah, I'll be open to accepting offers. But my expectations and my entire game has changed. I no longer expect an escalator relationship. That means, I no longer expect me and A will meet, talk, date, start seeing each other, fall in love, make a promise to each other, move in, raise a dog and go on vacations together. Or hower people have gradual progressive expectations of intimate relationships. I sincerely don't expect mine will last my lifetime. I don't believe that is the statistical average. I think it's extremely rare. So, I don't think it's healthy for me to expect that. I think it sets me up to expect promises that can't be properly kept although sincerely made, and for others to fail on their delivery. It sets up a feeling of failure in my relationships. I think it's unfair and hurtful, those expectations, for me and the other person. So, that's not the game I play anymore, nor is it a bar I am trying to jump over. That does not mean I don't expect someone's respect, care, loyalty, honesty, and to work at building trust, companionship, and true friendship. I totally expect that. But no, I don't expect the romance and sex to last my lifetime. If it does, that would be awesome. That also means my A-game - as you put it - with myself has changed completely. What my self expectations are are quite different. because I do not expect someone to be there for the rest of my life. That means I have to be there for me. And it makes accepting other people's ability to only stay three years, five years, or seven years, or nine years a lot easier. Because I have my housing sorted out, my career sorted, my RRSP plans, my insurance premiums being paid, my friends I love, my local community, my education plans. So whether someone loves me romantically or not, that is all still there. Nothing falls apart if we decide it's changing to a friendship, or they move to Denmark, or they decide they want to suddenly get monogamously married to my co-worker (seriously, at this point in my life, that wouldn't even surprise me). So, I have changed my own bar for me. My expectations on what I do, for me. My first and most important lasting relationship will always be with me. I have to start acting like that's true by taking care of me first, by making sure my needs are met before I even think of trying to enter into dating again. I don't want to be dating because I'm trying to find security, or affirmation, or stave off loneliness. So I suppose that's setting my own bar, for me, quite high. and in doing that, I hope to keep certain expectations of certain things from others, low. I still expect honesty, care, companionship. I just don't expect a specific length of time... because how long is a piece of string? I know that's also not a popular take. I know things that are ok with me are usually deal breakers with others - shag who you want, I don't expect forever, we won't be living together, and I sure as fuck ain't doing your laundry. But if I like you, it will be utterly sincere, there won't be games, I'm blunt as hell so you'll never have to guess, I'm generous, I'll make you laugh, I'm loyal, and I'll never pressure you. Your decisions will always be yours. I will always respect your privacy. And if you need to talk to me, I will put the friendship between us first, before the romance, always. That's the kind of girl I know I am because those are things I don't have difficulty with and are core to my values. So I guess, yes. getting to really, really know myself, on my own, has been sorely needed to understand what I need to do for me, so I can bring things that are important to me (deep friendship, independence, self-responsibility, loyalty), rather than what I think most of the population wants (monogamy, promises of long term, interdependence, romance, fidelity, linked security). Thanks for helping me articulate that.

09-23-2017, 10:20 PM	#26
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	so to answer your second question 2) No. but the quality of relationship I'm hoping will be much better.

09-24-2017, 12:51 PM	#27
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,902 Times in 5,017 Posts Rep Power: 0	Answer to question #1. If I start out with a high bar, users and most losers (in my opinion) are not even an issue. #2. There are no guarantees in this life...but at least I have given myself a chance to find someone that has qualities similar to mine.

10-12-2017, 07:31 PM	#28
Deborah* Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: single and not looking Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Texas Posts: 354 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 304 Thanked 420 Times in 180 Posts Rep Power: 2658955	Yes, I believe in setting the bar high. I'm consistently working on myself to make sure I achieve my dreams, and I know what's really important is if I want to have a partner, this person will need to be a good fit for me, meaning the same type life goals, lifestyle etc. as myself. One of my mentors said the five people closest to me color (influence) me the most, and therefore be cautious with choosing friends. How much more so the importance of who I should want for a partner. I know what I'm looking for and I won't settle for less. Deborah

07-24-2019, 10:58 PM	#29
Amulette Member How Do You Identify?: Ma chérie, a sweet thing. Preferred Pronoun?: feminine Relationship Status: Following the scent of flowers. Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: La vie bohem Posts: 489 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 544 Thanked 796 Times in 232 Posts Rep Power: 0	Setting the bar high: To establish an expected, required, or desired standard of quality. To me that sounds like knowing what I want in a relationship. I think that self exploration of what that "bar" is, is necessary, because I would need to know myself intimately to know what I want and need from others. So setting the bar high would mean to me: being true to myself and the vision I hold for my life. True love would never take me away from that. It would nourish and embellish that, for both of us. On an intellectual even emotional level I say yes, that makes perfect sense. If only love was that rational. Love is messy. A friend always said to me "we can't control who our hearts choose to love." I have found that to be true. No matter how much someone fits my intellectual vision, if my heart is not 100% in, it's not worth it. If there's not chemistry, it's not worth it. So for me it's the dance of the two. The older I get the more discerning I get. I know myself better. There is one more thing that I see play out for all the people I know. Where our hearts are damaged we attract people who force us to find healing. It often happens through pain. We attract the same situations in different flavors over and over again. It's like the movie "Groundhog Day". So I have come to believe that the only way to find that juicy satisfying love is the heal my own heart. Do the work. Make your beautiful heart whole again, then see what love brings you. You can't intellectualize that change.

07-26-2019, 02:37 AM	#33
tantalizingfemme Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 4,184 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,957 Thanked 3,984 Times in 822 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high) Thinking back over my different relationships, I thought I had set the bar high, but my idea of a high bar today is entirely different then what it was 30 years ago. I have grown, learned and evolved my own sense of self which has set my own personal bar higher and higher. Considering that my initial set bar was based on how I was brought up and the dynamics and beliefs I learned about myself from my family of origin, my bar was set really low. I only knew how to be treated from my family of origin (which I thought was normal) and because there was dysfunction and toxicity my high bar was set at "if you showed me any interest, that was good enough for me". Looking back through my relationships I now realize there was no bar set because I believed I didn't deserve that, that I should be happy anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me. Things are very different now. I now view setting the bar high as a way of honoring and respecting me and how I will and will not be treated (boundaries). Setting the bar high, for me, is a healthy way to ensure that I know what is and isn't important to me when it comes to being in a relationship, and not just knowing, but practicing it. Also, I see this as something that is ever evolving and changing, not stagnant. It is an integral practice that takes what we have experienced and removing what didn't work, and adding what was missing, over and over. 2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship? I do think that setting a bar high guarantees bettering my chances at a lasting relationship. I know what I do and don't want and if I were to start dating again it will help me weed out those who do and do not fit the bill. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Been there done that and I deserve what will make me happy. Now is my bar set in stone, nope. Are there some hard stops? Yes. But there are some things that float in the gray area. I have yet to figure out where the highest setting is (if there really is one) but the more experiences I have, the more I learn about me in a relationship, the more changes will be made and the more I will solidify some ideals already there. And with all of this, I expect whomever I may end up being in a relationship will have also set their bar high and I am a fit for them, and they are not just settling, just as I refuse to settle.