Tell us...I knew I was...

[katsarecool]

I always felt different. A bit of a tomboi with girly girls likes as well. I too loved to play with trucks in the dirt with my brother. I hated getting dolls for gifts. Once my brother and I played Cowboys and Indians and we hung Chatty Cathy from the rafters in the basement. She was our hostage but she talked too much. Boys were for playing on a baseball team with and good for best friends but nothing more. I could never feel comfortable with them in that sexual way and when they tried it as I entered puberty it made me furious!

I had a hard time finding my niche as there was not anyone around that I was attracted too; spent many years not knowing any butches. I finally met one when I was 18, married and very pregnant. When she looked at me I thought I would faint!!! And began being very unsatisfied with my life at that point. I had three kids by the time I was 25. At 29, I woke up one morning and realized that if I was forced to live this way much longer I would end my life. Actually had it planned out. But then I looked at my young children and realized that I could not do that to them.

So I stayed married, even divorced and married again. Numbed myself down for many years till my kids were almost grown. I left them in the care of their father (two already graduated and the youngest almost there) and moved to another state with the intention of making my marriage really work or come out. I never felt close to those two men. There was never any true intimacy. I feel bad about that now. They deserved better than I was able to give them. And though divorced for a long time both men are still angry at my deception. If they only knew that my deception caused me greater pain than they could ever understand. But still I have regrets that I hurt them.

So I finally came out, took sometime to explore who I was and what kind of person I was really attracted to; but I knew it just took awhile to acknowledge it.

Another thing that kept me in the closet for so long and now sounds totally stupid was the myths about lesbians. That you could not have a normal life with family. That you could not have the house with the white picket fence. That all lesbians were immoral, were alcoholics and drug addicts too. And that lesbians could not have a monogamous relationship. So I denied self again till I began the process of coming out and became involved in a large community of lesbians and realized how normal they were and I was so happy.

It took another while to find a butch woman; my first lover who was much younger than I. I was (and still am) in love with her. It was a wonderful first experience as she was so good to me. Unfortunately, she was an alcoholic and refused to stop drinking when I gave her an ultimatim. I wish it had turned out differently because I have not had such a close intimate relationship any where close to that level since.

BTW Butches can still get my heart fluttering and cause me to blush at this ripe ole age!!! k.d.lang can park her shoes under my bed any ole time.

I think my coming out process would have been much shorter and easier if I had lived in the North or at least a large city. I spent most of my life living in small towns in the SE part of the US. So the community was so closeted and scattered. Another note is that lesbians who do not look gay have a hard time connecting and attracting butches especially if they are shy. And I am.

Tommi, great topic and I am loving reading the coming out stories!