Tell us...I knew I was...

[Ebon]

I knew I was queer when I was 8 and always played husband in our game of house with my little girlfriend at the time. Then when I was 12 I wanted to marry Mariah Carey and be her husband.

[LipstickLola]

Originally Posted by Organicbutch

I knew I was queer when I was 8 and always played husband in our game of house with my little girlfriend at the time. Then when I was 12 I wanted to marry Mariah Carey and be her husband.

I love this story.......my cousin, who was gay, and I used to play bride and groom, he always got to be the bride!!! I miss him so much, he died of AIDS in 1987.

[Diva]

It was 1980 when I actually thought to myself, "I may be a lesbian."

At the time, I was married to a man and about 6 months pregnant. I had had an erotic dream about women...the next day, I wrote it down.....and added to it. <smile>

I held onto it for a few weeks...but then I began to get scared I would be found out and I burned the story in the wood-burning stove and suppressed it for years.

Then, in 1989, I was drug out of the closet in the worst way; but in the long run, with the kind of suppressed life I led, being drug out was the only way it was going to happen, as I was a big, fat coward.

Yes, having the courage to do it myself would have been optimal. Hindsight is 20/20, is it not?

[Cowboi]

In my mind I always felt like I was a boy. I went hunting with my Daddy. Wanted to wear my cowboy boots to church. My poor Momma always had hell trying to get a dress on me!!! LoL

I too was always the "daddy" when we played house. I can remember in grade school, when all the guys had a girlfiend, I didn't know why any of the girls didn't want me a for their boyfriend.

[katsarecool]

I always felt different. A bit of a tomboi with girly girls likes as well. I too loved to play with trucks in the dirt with my brother. I hated getting dolls for gifts. Once my brother and I played Cowboys and Indians and we hung Chatty Cathy from the rafters in the basement. She was our hostage but she talked too much. Boys were for playing on a baseball team with and good for best friends but nothing more. I could never feel comfortable with them in that sexual way and when they tried it as I entered puberty it made me furious!

I had a hard time finding my niche as there was not anyone around that I was attracted too; spent many years not knowing any butches. I finally met one when I was 18, married and very pregnant. When she looked at me I thought I would faint!!! And began being very unsatisfied with my life at that point. I had three kids by the time I was 25. At 29, I woke up one morning and realized that if I was forced to live this way much longer I would end my life. Actually had it planned out. But then I looked at my young children and realized that I could not do that to them.

So I stayed married, even divorced and married again. Numbed myself down for many years till my kids were almost grown. I left them in the care of their father (two already graduated and the youngest almost there) and moved to another state with the intention of making my marriage really work or come out. I never felt close to those two men. There was never any true intimacy. I feel bad about that now. They deserved better than I was able to give them. And though divorced for a long time both men are still angry at my deception. If they only knew that my deception caused me greater pain than they could ever understand. But still I have regrets that I hurt them.

So I finally came out, took sometime to explore who I was and what kind of person I was really attracted to; but I knew it just took awhile to acknowledge it.

Another thing that kept me in the closet for so long and now sounds totally stupid was the myths about lesbians. That you could not have a normal life with family. That you could not have the house with the white picket fence. That all lesbians were immoral, were alcoholics and drug addicts too. And that lesbians could not have a monogamous relationship. So I denied self again till I began the process of coming out and became involved in a large community of lesbians and realized how normal they were and I was so happy.

It took another while to find a butch woman; my first lover who was much younger than I. I was (and still am) in love with her. It was a wonderful first experience as she was so good to me. Unfortunately, she was an alcoholic and refused to stop drinking when I gave her an ultimatim. I wish it had turned out differently because I have not had such a close intimate relationship any where close to that level since.

BTW Butches can still get my heart fluttering and cause me to blush at this ripe ole age!!! k.d.lang can park her shoes under my bed any ole time.

I think my coming out process would have been much shorter and easier if I had lived in the North or at least a large city. I spent most of my life living in small towns in the SE part of the US. So the community was so closeted and scattered. Another note is that lesbians who do not look gay have a hard time connecting and attracting butches especially if they are shy. And I am.

Tommi, great topic and I am loving reading the coming out stories!

[pajama]

Hmmmm. Well I can remember pre-puberty practicing with my two best friends. Kissing and rubbing on each other. Honestly I don't remember being attracted to them, just more practice for when we would have boyfriends.

In High School I enjoyed fantasies about Coach Oldacre (male) and Mrs. Linton. Mrs. Linton was my senior year and those fantasies were very sexual. I should also mention that she was very feminine and very controlling. With long nails and low-cut tops. Now that pattern has continued into my adulthood. LOL

I honestly thought at the time that it was a stage I would outgrow. Not because it was bad or because anyone told me that, just because I figured it was my sexual curiosity. By this time I was having sex with boys and liked it quite a bit.

I didn't have my first sex with a woman until I was 19 and it was just an opportunity. Nothing romantic or love, etc.

I still actually consider myself bi, just because I don't find men offensive or anything. But as I have progressed and dated women mostly, I no longer feel comfortable dating men. The social aspect of it, not the physical. I like being a gentleman outside the bedroom. I like taking care of my girl, opening doors, sending flowers, etc. Most guys aren't too into that. LOL

So that's my story. Nothing very exciting...but probably a lot confusing.

A

[diamondrose]

Originally Posted by softness

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

I feel the same way

[Sachita]

4th grade I had a teacher that was really pretty. I didnt understand what was happening at the time but I knew I liked being near her and smelling her perfume. I had no interest in boys, at all. By 6th grade I still had a crush on my 4th grade teacher and often came up with excuses to see her. I climbed ropes and got a funny sensation between my legs. As I climbed towards the top I clenched my thighs imagining myself wrapped around her with my head shoved between her breast. I am pretty sure they were orgasms because I was addicted to them & climbing those ropes until my best friend Patty showed me how to masturbate. Then I showed my step sister. We talked about being with boys and what we would do but we never did. We just practiced on each other. lol

I dated a few boys and even got married. I thought maybe I was bi. I cheated on my husband with girls until he finally say me down and told me I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew this but it seemed too hard to be gay. There were years i didnt want to be queer and fought it but then my libido would go into overdrive and sex with a man wasn't the same.

When I was 26 I fell madly in love with her. She was a masculine and feminine. We fought, we fucked, we had the most unreal passion I think I've ever had. I knew my life would never be the same.

[Lady Pamela]

Ok..before I tell you my tale..you need to know i was a straight laced lil mormon girl who did nothing that would make me go to hell..lol And the words Gay,Butch or Lesbian..were never spoke in my home. So I didn't know what they mean't..Nor do I ever recall now meeting one..ha

Ok my first crush was at 3..I was at the public swimming pool and seen this woman walked out as though she was a model..lol That one ..in secret of course..stayed into my head for quite sometime...that was untill Olivia Newton John presented herself..lol OMG she was the bee's Knee's in my little world..ha

When I was 15 the first time a REAL girl kissed me ..I responded by smacking her...oops..It shocked me so bad I didn't know what to do...but later made up for it...lol

The first time I met a butch..I was like omg what is that?..Kinda freaked my lil world out...she had this huge growth in her back pocket..with a hanging chain..pocket knife and a mullett..not to mention ..a leather biker jacket..lol
Btw, 20 years later...I spent seven years with that person...smiles And we are still friends.
Needless to say I am not in hell...but I sure thought it would have put me there when I was little.

My first long term relationship with a female was at 21 though...before that I was still doing what I call the mormon shuffle..YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED TO A MAN OR YOUR DAMNED..that is another story as well..ha

[Tommi]

Lady Pamela,
What fun...Yep--those butch's will knock your socks off,and then, rub your feet.... Glad you found the lifering at the end of the rope.