Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by storyspinner70

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.