Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

[imperfect_cupcake]

Violette, your words resonate best with me.

I think the understanding of the difference between a want and a need in a relationship it kind of what Kobi is talking about.

Perhaps Kobi meant by bells and whistles, those things that are wants, not needs.

I know the difference. My list of needs is not short. Mainly because I have dated, been sex friends with, had committed relationships with a fair many people in my sexually active period of 14-46. That's 32 years. I wasn't very discriminatory with people in affairs of the heart (casual sex? Very discriminatory. But it's a different criteria). Whomever got my heart butterflies going, I'd accept. I didn't know any different. There was a whole world to love.

Now I know better. I have a list of needs. And they *do* have to be met. Or I will become sick, depressed, unhappy and non-functional. The wants are all things that would be nice but don't affect my mental health and well being and therefore aren't necessary. Like, I'm a total geek/nerd, I would love it if someone was too. But it's not vital. What it vital is that they are willing to come along to museums and galleries and learn with me.
I HATE team sports and fishing. sitting and watching a game on tv with someone is like asking me to watch paint dry. But I'm happy to go to a baseball/hockey game with them if they buy me hot dogs and teach me. Or turn the TV game into a kinky sex game.

I'm just never going to go fishing with someone on a little boat. Ever. For some people, that's a need. Just like for others with a deep enjoyment of ball room dancing, they need someone who wants to be their partner in dance and is willing to learn at least some steps.

I think understanding the difference between a want and a need is kind of what is being asked?

[storyspinner70]

I think you do yourself a major disservice by even thinking of it in the terms of a must have/musn't have list. Life doesn't work that way. People aren't a laundry list of traits for you to shop for. When you do that, you lose out on people that could have the best contribution to your life.

It's a limiting way to live your life and you deserve better than that. If you click with someone, give them a chance. You'll find out soon enough if you're compatible enough to live your life together or just to have fun for awhile, or if you need to run very quickly the other way.

Everyone has things they won't accept: abuse, etc. That's basic. But if you aren't open, if you never give someone a chance because they don't meet but 6 out of 12 requirements on your list, you never know who you let go by you. How do you know those 6 aren't enough? What if they have 6 others you never even knew you wanted - or could want?

To me, it's just limiting yourself in a way you never should be and it's not fair to yourself. If I wasn't open, I'd never have spent the last almost four years with my butch, because she is like no one I've been with before. And I'm very glad I never had those limits. She is more than worth it.

[storyspinner70]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

[BullDog]

I have plenty of qualities that I like in a partner, boundaries, and the obvious things I wouldn't tolerate- drug abuse, dishonesty, etc, but I never had a whole list of things that someone had to meet or must meet 7 out of 10 or something. Obviously there are things that are really important and deal breakers, but really it's the interplay with someone- the chemistry, communication and how our qualities and values work together that tells me whether someone is potentially a good partner or not for me. I also could have never figured out in advance many of the ways that my partner and I click in addition to the things that I really wanted and needed in a partner. So I do think it is good to be clear on what you want and need, but not too rigid or you could miss out on someone special- however to each their own.

One other thing, in the opening post it talked about people perhaps "settling" or just deciding to go for comfortable co-existence because they were having a hard time finding someone who would meet all of their criteria. Why not just cultivate good friendships instead of thinking you have to compromise when it comes to a partner? They would still have the companionship wouldn't they? That's the part I really don't get.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by storyspinner70

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

[Violette]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

Yes Yes Yes! Thank you, IC.

Grocery lists and understanding yourself well enough to know what is healthy for you and what is not are two separate things. We all have irreconcilable differences in all of our relationships if we go deep enough. And some of those are, or become too, unhealthy for one or both of the partners. Others are things/qualities you can live with. That's what time together reveals.

[kittygrrl]

let me clarify..bells & whistles=all the things I need and want..not so much a list..more what inspires me to feel loved.. boundaries...
are another thing entirely. (imo)