Men with boobs.

[Dylan]

I'd like to weigh in on this whole he/she pronoun thing, because I see it a lot, and it's incredibly frustrating to me also

I was at a party a while back. There was about a 50/50 mix of male ID'd butches and female ID'd butches. One female ID'd butch in particular kept referring to the male ID'd butches as she. My personal opinion is that it kept happening because this particular FIB hadn't been around that many MIBs. We kept mentioning to this FIB about the pronoun thing. Eventually, it got resolved. But here's the thing. Most of the femmes at this party referred to ALL butches as he. So, how are we supposed to have a conversation about 'respecting' male pronouns, when half of the party isn't bothering to respect female pronouns?

After the party, I was talking to one of the attendants, and she (a femme) was going on and on about how upset she was that the FIB wasn't using the proper pronoun for the male ID'd butches. And here's how she went about voicing that upset: "Why does he keep referring to X as she? I don't get it. WHY does he keep referring to all y'all as 'she'? I mean, come on. Why does he keep doing that..especially after we've said something?"

When I brought up numerous times that 'he' was a 'she', this person would just shrug it off with, "Oh yeah, he/she...whatever"

Now, I don't get that. You don't get to pick and choose people's pronouns. And One can hardly defend ThisGroup's pronoun while completely dismissing and 'whatevering' ThatGroup's pronoun. And excuses like, "That's just how I roll" or "I call all butches, he" just don't work. It's disrespectful to all butches. And honestly, I (personally) don't get the hang up here. I mean, if I 'he' a (female-ID'd) femme, she's probably going to get a little pissy and wonder why in the world I'm calling her he...like don't I have eyes? Can't I clearly see she's a she?

Maybe it's just me, but if someone tells me they're male ID'd, I see them as male, and it's not too hard to 'remember' a pronoun...not any harder than remember my step-father's pronoun. If someone tells me they're female ID'd, I see them as female, and it's not too hard to remember a damned pronoun. I will admit, I get messed up on the zie pronouns, and I'm working on that.

Separate story: I used to have a friend who would use whichever pronoun was convenient for ThatPerson's conversation. If ThatPerson was talking to say, people from work where she didn't want to be outed, she would use a male pronoun for whomever she was dating/friends/whatnot. If ThatPerson was talking in a queer circle, and ThatPerson wanted folks to know she was queer, she would switch up to a 'she' pronoun as a means to out her. There was no respect whatsoever for the actual person ThatPerson was talking about...it was all about her own comfort level, and all about what the pronoun choice did for her (whether protecting her from being outed, or outing her if in queer space). Personally, I think this is more disturbing to me, because A) it's obviously disrespectful to the butch being talked about, but B) it's also USING the disrespect for personal gain. I also find it homophobic.

I don't really know why I feel the need to share those stories, but they seem relevant to the conversation right now, and it really bugs the shit out of me. Pronouns are NOT for OTHER people to decide based on their own comfort level. You can't vehemently defend OnePerson's pronoun and demand respect for it, while completely 'whatevering' AnotherPerson's pronoun...especially when you're demanding AnotherPerson respect OnePerson.

But to then take someone's pronoun and pick and choose, so you don't get 'outed' or so you do get 'outed' is just (to me) the hilt of disrespect and laziness.

And I will bet money, if I he'd a great majority of the femmes in the world, there'd be a world of hurt coming my way. And if I were then corrected, and said something like, "Oh yeah, whatever, I refer to all femmes as he", I'd get double the hurt.

So, seriously, WTF? Because, I just don't get it. I don't get how it's any harder to remember SoAndSo's pronoun as it is to remember your mother's or father's pronoun. If you really, truly see me as male, then it's not difficult. And if you really, truly see SoAndSo as female, then it shouldn't be an issue.

Now if you're just switching them up because it's convenient for your own conversations...you're just self-centered.


Dylan

[JustJo]

Responding to Dylan, but not copying the whole thing....

I appreciate that you shared these stories, because this stuff does happen. As I posted earlier, I do check that pronoun spot on the profile bar because I do want to use the correct pronoun. I wouldn't want to be called he...tyvm...and I don't want to do that to anyone else either.

When I first joined the dash site I made friends with a butch who had hy as their designated pronoun on the profile. Okay, great. I called hym hy. When I met hys girlfriend, who also refers to hym as hy online, she called hym she. Now I'm confused. I asked the butch....what do you prefer?
Hy said "oh either way is fine." Ugh. Okay, now I'm really messed up. If I call hym she online, others will eat my head for disrespecting. If I'm talking about hym to her, do I say she? Please know that I'm truly NOT trying to be flippant here (and it's okay, cuz they're friends and we had this conversation already), but it is crazy-making for those of us who do care, do respect that, and do want to call you what you prefer to be called.

And yes, some people do ignore stated preferences...and I find that very disrespectful.

And...Dylan...as a side note, you had me totally stumped with the MIB's and FIB's for a minute....cuz I was seeing MIB and thinking "Men In Black?" Sorry.....my son's favorite movie....duh....

[Martina]

Originally Posted by Dylan

But here's the thing. Most of the femmes at this party referred to ALL butches as he. So, how are we supposed to have a conversation about 'respecting' male pronouns, when half of the party isn't bothering to respect female pronouns?

This gets to the core. The issue is misogyny. It's disrespectful to call a MIB "she," but no big deal to default the other way because that involves an elevation of status whereas calling a he a she is potentially demeaning or humiliating.

Re someone like Atlast who has her pronoun posted and comments in threads about her preferences, the people, often femmes, who persist in using male pronouns are not just lazy. Their behavior is coercive -- and on some level intentional. It makes them feel more comfortable in some way to use male pronouns for butches. They want the butches to present the way they want the butches to present. It's not just hugely disrespectful to the butch. It's an attempt to create a community that conforms to and recreates a conventional gender hierarchy (queered thought it is). The behavior is inexcusable, not just because it is extremely rude, but because it consciously chooses to valorize male ID in principal, in the abstract, as an ideal. i still recall that mistype of one poster who said "female-id vs butch-id." That's what defaulting to male pronouns ANNOUNCES -- that butch means male.

[apretty]

a zillion times yes!

Originally Posted by Martina

Re someone like Atlast who has her pronoun posted and comments in threads about her preferences, the people, often femmes, who persist in using male pronouns are not just lazy. Their behavior is coercive -- and on some level intentional. It makes them feel more comfortable in some way to use male pronouns for butches. They want the butches to present the way they want the butches to present. It's not just hugely disrespectful to the butch. It's an attempt to create a community that conforms to and recreates a conventional gender hierarchy (queered thought it is). The behavior is inexcusable, not just because it is extremely rude, but because it consciously chooses to valorize male ID in principal, in the abstract, as an ideal. i still recall that mistype of one poster who said "female-id vs butch-id." That's what defaulting to male pronouns ANNOUNCES -- that butch means male.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Martina

This gets to the core. The issue is misogyny. It's disrespectful to call a MIB "she," but no big deal to default the other way because that involves an elevation of status whereas calling a he a she is potentially demeaning or humiliating.

Re someone like Atlast who has her pronoun posted and comments in threads about her preferences, the people, often femmes, who persist in using male pronouns are not just lazy. Their behavior is coercive -- and on some level intentional. It makes them feel more comfortable in some way to use male pronouns for butches. They want the butches to present the way they want the butches to present. It's not just hugely disrespectful to the butch. It's an attempt to create a community that conforms to and recreates a conventional gender hierarchy (queered thought it is). The behavior is inexcusable, not just because it is extremely rude, but because it consciously chooses to valorize male ID in principal, in the abstract, as an ideal. i still recall that mistype of one poster who said "female-id vs butch-id." That's what defaulting to male pronouns ANNOUNCES -- that butch means male.

I'd like to piggy back off this and add, that HEAVEN forbid a butch (or transguy) like penetration, I have *personally* have watched femmes *shudder* and wrinkle their nose and say things such as

"eeww"

"what a waste of a butch"

"that ain't right"

because *only* femmes are penetrated because lord forbid a butch or transguy enjoy that kind of orgasm, it automatically puts them in *a bottom role* or a *less than butch* role.... *I* have even had femmes tell me I need to leave someone alone and let them just be what they should be true butches or *Daddy's* .

oy vey...

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'd like to piggy back off this and add, that HEAVEN forbid a butch (or transguy) like penetration, I have *personally* have watched femmes *shudder* and wrinkle their nose and say things such as

"eeww"

"what a waste of a butch"

"that ain't right"

because *only* femmes are penetrated because lord forbid a butch or transguy enjoy that kind of orgasm, it automatically puts them in *a bottom role* or a *less than butch* role.... *I* have even had femmes tell me I need to leave someone alone and let them just be what they should be true butches or *Daddy's* .

oy vey...

And not just penetration. Lately it seems like anything less than stone equals 'less than'


Just Had To Add,
Dylan

[Soon]

Out of how many sites, how many threads, how many years (!)*butch* identity gets discussed/analysed, deconstructed (and put back together again!), it goes on and on.

There have been some awesome people who have started great *Femme* threads, but, constantly, the threads that get the most feedback are about BUTCHES (FIB and MIB) /TG/MEN of our community and their identities.

What is that about their (butch/female and male dependent) identities that make for the most heated (and most interesting!) conversations when femme threads do not get half the attention?

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Out of how many sites, how many threads, how many years (!)*butch* identity gets discussed/analysed, deconstructed (and put back together again!), it goes on and on.

There have been some awesome people who have started great *Femme* threads, but, constantly, the threads that get the most feedback are about BUTCHES (FIB and MIB) /TG/MEN of our community and their identities.

What is that about their (butch/female and male dependent) identities that make for the most heated (and most interesting!) conversations when femme threads do not get half the attention?

So true and I have wondered the same thing. And I have to mention MtF's as well along with stone. I do know a couple of MtF's that used to post on the old site, but just began to feel too alienated. I think there are many different femme presentations and identifications that are shut out here and on other B-F sites. Although, I think as the site continues this will change as it feels very open to me. Then, again, POC members have brought concerns up that they felt have simply carried over.

Maybe because the Planet is fairly new and lots of folks from the old site do not particpate here, these areas just have not developed their voice yet. I hope new folks feel free to begin threads about these, too. Actually, I get really jazzed when I see posts by people I have never seen before. There are so many ideas out there that I have never had an opportunity to learn or hear about. And hell, I'm old!

Since I can't go to the ReUnion () due to economics, I plan on attending the Femme Conference here in the Bay Area that same weekend. Will be my first and I am looking forward to the topics femmes will discuss.

[Gayla]

As to the online vs offline pronoun switcheroo thingy... I use both, offline and off, depending on the situation. I'm not trying to pull a fast one on anyone but yes, there are some people in my life that refer to me as she and others that use he, both online and off.

Thinking back on it, there's a slight possibility that I could be the person June referred to in her earlier post (although I don't think I ever would have commented on her using "she" online because it's just not that big of a deal to me).

My reality is that I do not exist solely in a queer/bf environment. I have a job. I have family of origin. I have friends that are not queer. I interact, both online and off, with a wide variety of people. (And they seem to all be on my Facebook now!) There are a number of people that I met in queer situations, or online, that know me as "he". That's who I am to them. There are also people that know me as "she" and that's who I am to them. There's even some, such as my partner, who know me as both.

Again, this isn't meant to be duplicitous in any way, it's just who I am.

I understand that proper pronoun usage is very much a respect issue for some people, and I've seen it used in very disrespectful ways in the past. I totally get that, understand it, respect it. For me though, it's really not that big a deal. Maybe it is because I've spent so much of my life in a community where things like "sir" and "boy" aren't determined by biology and are considered titles of respect aside from gender. /shrug

[Cyclopea]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Out of how many sites, how many threads, how many years (!)*butch* identity gets discussed/analysed, deconstructed (and put back together again!), it goes on and on.

There have been some awesome people who have started great *Femme* threads, but, constantly, the threads that get the most feedback are about BUTCHES (FIB and MIB) /TG/MEN of our community and their identities.

What is that about their (butch/female and male dependent) identities that make for the most heated (and most interesting!) conversations when femme threads do not get half the attention?

If you have any thoughts to flesh that out I would love to hear them.
What strikes me first is the idea of transgression: of what it means to be female in the case of butch women, and of what gender means in the case of transgender male butches. Transgression and deconstruction of any sort is a very popular meme in the post modern culture which largely concerns itself with dismantling. Perhaps "Femme" is more creationist than deconstuctionist? Just a thought.

Or is it pure misogyny?
Look forward to more on this.

[Nat]

Maybe it's transgression that makes this discussion so much more of a focal point than any discussion involving feminine experience, or maybe it's controversy or maybe it's a masculine topic and therefore deemed more worthy of discussion...

Every once in a while, I find myself reading (perhaps imagining?) a certain strain within this type of thread that feels like this to me:

The masculine folks demanding more respect from the feminine folks than they already get while at the same time being less than respectful toward feminine folks who get it "wrong." I see masculine folks complaining about femme "laziness" and "apathy" and such for not always getting things right. Most femmes I know have bent over backwards for the butches they know or have known in an attempt to understand and be respectful of them. I even see masculine (and feminine) folks blaming the behavior of feminine folks for the behavior of masculine folks who send mixed messages about their own IDs - which I think is actually the most infantilizing, demeaning assertion regarding masculine community members that I've seen in this thread.

I really want to be on board with whatever I need to be on board with to be an ally to every member of this community, and when I read about how femmes are being perceived as so lazy and apathetic, I feel exasperated, frustrated, helpless and disrespected as a femme. It's soooo sexist to call a butch by the wrong pronoun, to misinterpret their gender or to misrepresent them to the heterocentric world, but complaining about how femmes aren't being nurturing, attentive, understanding or respectful enough toward masculine folks - that doesn't hint at misogyny?

You know what I don't see a lot of? I don't see a lot of feminine people here in threads talking about how lazy or thoughtless the masculine folks here are for not understanding and respecting the feminine folks enough. Do you think it's because we (feminine folks) feel like we always get respect from the masculine folks?

I have been guilty of defaulting to different pronouns in the past. To me there are two different main types of default. There is the default pronoun used in hypothetical situations and then there is using a default pronoun with a specific person, regardless of how they ID. I have mostly been guilty of the first type of default, but I know there are times I have slipped with the second.

Guess what? It's freaking hard. It's hard to remember, it's hard to keep track. Some of the masculine folks I've known from this community have even changed pronouns and identities sometimes more than once over a matter of months or years. It's hard to keep track, it's hard to always get it right. To me, it does become a laundry list, and at some point, the amount of psychic energy it takes to remember every single masculine member of the community's preference becomes too much.

How much time and energy does a masculine member of the community feel they need to spend talking to an individual femme about their gender experience, identity, pronouns, etc, before they consider her apathetic and disrespectful for not knowing their stuff? Do they know her stuff? Are they invested in her, or do they just expect her to be invested in them no matter how much or how little they respect or even think about her?

It seems like many of the masculine folks here want all this "respect" and really sometimes I feel like the respect which is being demanded is actually being confused with male privilege. And if male privilege does exist on this site, then maybe working toward dismantling it together would be the better option than demanding to receive equal share in it.

PS. I am mutilating the English language by purposefully using "they" and "them" as gender-neutral singular pronouns in the above post. As odious as this is for my poor English major brain, I think I'm going to make it a habit. I just didn't feel like writing "her/hir/hym/him" a hundred times. Sorry, my dear English.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by Dylan

And not just penetration. Lately it seems like anything less than stone equals 'less than'


Just Had To Add,
Dylan

don't get me started on how stone doesn't even exist.

[Nat]

I spent most of the day reading, re-reading and gathering quotes from the earlier parts of the thread in order to best respond to people who responded to my post regarding femme expectations, etc. Unfortunately, the thread is getting away from me while I've been at it.

Now it's past my bedtime. If, by the time I finish writing a response, it is in any way appropriate to where the thread has gone by that time, I will post it. I do want to thank the people who replied to me and I do hope I have not irreparably offended anyone. I have of late avoided controversy because it stresses me out and so I have been kinda put out with myself for writing what I wrote even though it spoke to my own feelings at the time. It's just emotionally hard to handle - especially if I feel like my words have wounded or even further frustrated anybody at all whatsoever.

Before I go to sleep, I wanted to say something about the info I've gathered - which is still only from pages 1 - 14 of this thread. I am not a natural at categorization or organization, but as I gathered quotes, I tried to fit them into some sort of category. Most overlapped or could have been categorized in more than one way. I just wanted to provide a list of the categories I came up with based on the quotes. I'd include the quotes too, but I'd basically be reposting the entire first 14 pages of the thread.

I think the sheer amount of issues we are simultaneously grappling with is really pretty amazing within this one topic.

The categories I saw were:

- The Treatment of Masculine Women in the World and in this Community
- Gender Hierarchy (within the butch identity and within the world)
- Issues of Shared Space within the Butch Identity
- The Personal/Individual vs ? (Political? Community standards? Ideology?)
- Butch Pronouns
- Influence of the Dash site
- Femme Troubles and Trouble with Femmes (Troubles voiced by femmes and troubles voiced regarding femmes)

Are there others I'm missing?

[Softhearted]

Derailing here:

But I'm a bit perpexled when I see the word "sie" perceived as neutral...

Must be 3 trimesters of german (years ago) that makes me go UH?

In german:

sie (without a capital s) is used either as: 3rd person singular for genus femininum (she) or for 3rd person plural for all genus (maskulinum/femininum/neutrum).

When capitalized, Sie is consider the formal form of you (the equivalent of "Vous" in french).

Done with my derail...

[Heart]

I believe "per" comes from Marge Piercy's amazing book, "Woman on the Edge of Time." It stands for "person."

[firie]

Originally Posted by Nat

I spent most of the day reading, re-reading and gathering quotes from the earlier parts of the thread in order to best respond to people who responded to my post regarding femme expectations, etc. Unfortunately, the thread is getting away from me while I've been at it.

Now it's past my bedtime. If, by the time I finish writing a response, it is in any way appropriate to where the thread has gone by that time, I will post it. I do want to thank the people who replied to me and I do hope I have not irreparably offended anyone. I have of late avoided controversy because it stresses me out and so I have been kinda put out with myself for writing what I wrote even though it spoke to my own feelings at the time. It's just emotionally hard to handle - especially if I feel like my words have wounded or even further frustrated anybody at all whatsoever.

Before I go to sleep, I wanted to say something about the info I've gathered - which is still only from pages 1 - 14 of this thread. I am not a natural at categorization or organization, but as I gathered quotes, I tried to fit them into some sort of category. Most overlapped or could have been categorized in more than one way. I just wanted to provide a list of the categories I came up with based on the quotes. I'd include the quotes too, but I'd basically be reposting the entire first 14 pages of the thread.

I think the sheer amount of issues we are simultaneously grappling with is really pretty amazing within this one topic.

The categories I saw were:

- The Treatment of Masculine Women in the World and in this Community
- Gender Hierarchy (within the butch identity and within the world)
- Issues of Shared Space within the Butch Identity
- The Personal/Individual vs ? (Political? Community standards? Ideology?)
- Butch Pronouns
- Influence of the Dash site
- Femme Troubles and Trouble with Femmes (Troubles voiced by femmes and troubles voiced regarding femmes)

Are there others I'm missing?

I would add homophobia, and transphobia, and sexism.

Which kind of interlace a few of your categories and from all sides, perhaps.

I have to admit, and I apologize in advance if this post is long, but when I first started reading the thread I had a real bratty, privileged response in my head, and diminished heart's points by getting really frustrated by our community giving credence to hollywood (I hate that somehow queer actors, or any actor for that matter, all the sudden gets to be a spokesperson for us) and I also really personally hate Sex and the City, as I find it entirely sexist and, well, quite classistly vapid. It's also entirely stereotypical in its portrayal of gay men in the fashion world, but that's an entirely another thread.

So I dismissed heart's bringing Nixon's "men with boobs" comment here, because my first response was purely personal and so therefore all about me. I apologize, heart, truly I do. I didn't post this fuckery, thankfully, and if I had, would have deserved a verbal reality check.

Because after reading for days now, I have had to call myself on my own initial thinking above, and quite a bit. I think it is privileged of me to assume this is not a worthy conversation to be had, and Dylan and I have had quite a few conversations about our initial responses in saying that Cynthia Nixon is an idiot and well not worthy of listening to. Well, sure, that may be true, but it is privileged of both of us to say that butches or even further, this community, not discuss/criticize/breakdown the implication of that here.

I am perturbed at myself. I want to say I am sorry to butches, honestly, and have been thinking about a number of ways that I am so very privileged in my pronoun. And it has really hit me of late that I don't have any issues there--no one ever grapples over my pronoun, I never face anything dangerous or awkward because of it, no one confuses it, makes me pay more money for it for things like licenses, birth certificates, etc; no one requires that I go to court over it, get harassed in a bathroom over it, no one expects me to deal with them and their issues around my pronoun, nor does anyone ever expect me to bend in my pronoun over their discomfort at it. I should likely also apologize to femmes who do have issues with their pronouns. That "sorry" to you all is not because something so insignificant could alleviate all the bullshit you experience around pronouns, but just simply to say, fuck, it hit me, and well, I am going to do my best to not perpetuate any of that bullshit, because it's undue to you, and you shouldn't have to deal with it. And you shouldn't have to dismiss it, or not talk about it, or cater to those who don't get you, because well, that's perpetuating the bullshit.

Re: men with boobs. I think the ripple or tidal effect of this statement may not mean much to Cynthia Nixon at all, or her partner, but it impacted us in a way to then weave through all sorts of discussions that continuously need to be had here. I don't think we can ever talk enough about the implications these things have on our daily lives, despite what stupid or not so stupid person may have said them.

I just wanted to really thank everyone here for the epiphanies I have had reading this discussion.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Dylan

I'd like to weigh in on this whole he/she pronoun thing, because I see it a lot, and it's incredibly frustrating to me also

I was at a party a while back. There was about a 50/50 mix of male ID'd butches and female ID'd butches. One female ID'd butch in particular kept referring to the male ID'd butches as she. My personal opinion is that it kept happening because this particular FIB hadn't been around that many MIBs. We kept mentioning to this FIB about the pronoun thing. Eventually, it got resolved. But here's the thing. Most of the femmes at this party referred to ALL butches as he. So, how are we supposed to have a conversation about 'respecting' male pronouns, when half of the party isn't bothering to respect female pronouns?

After the party, I was talking to one of the attendants, and she (a femme) was going on and on about how upset she was that the FIB wasn't using the proper pronoun for the male ID'd butches. And here's how she went about voicing that upset: "Why does he keep referring to X as she? I don't get it. WHY does he keep referring to all y'all as 'she'? I mean, come on. Why does he keep doing that..especially after we've said something?"

When I brought up numerous times that 'he' was a 'she', this person would just shrug it off with, "Oh yeah, he/she...whatever"

Now, I don't get that. You don't get to pick and choose people's pronouns. And One can hardly defend ThisGroup's pronoun while completely dismissing and 'whatevering' ThatGroup's pronoun. And excuses like, "That's just how I roll" or "I call all butches, he" just don't work. It's disrespectful to all butches. And honestly, I (personally) don't get the hang up here. I mean, if I 'he' a (female-ID'd) femme, she's probably going to get a little pissy and wonder why in the world I'm calling her he...like don't I have eyes? Can't I clearly see she's a she?

Maybe it's just me, but if someone tells me they're male ID'd, I see them as male, and it's not too hard to 'remember' a pronoun...not any harder than remember my step-father's pronoun. If someone tells me they're female ID'd, I see them as female, and it's not too hard to remember a damned pronoun. I will admit, I get messed up on the zie pronouns, and I'm working on that.

Originally Posted by Martina

This gets to the core. The issue is misogyny. It's disrespectful to call a MIB "she," but no big deal to default the other way because that involves an elevation of status whereas calling a he a she is potentially demeaning or humiliating.

Re someone like Atlast who has her pronoun posted and comments in threads about her preferences, the people, often femmes, who persist in using male pronouns are not just lazy. Their behavior is coercive -- and on some level intentional. It makes them feel more comfortable in some way to use male pronouns for butches. They want the butches to present the way they want the butches to present. It's not just hugely disrespectful to the butch. It's an attempt to create a community that conforms to and recreates a conventional gender hierarchy (queered thought it is). The behavior is inexcusable, not just because it is extremely rude, but because it consciously chooses to valorize male ID in principal, in the abstract, as an ideal. i still recall that mistype of one poster who said "female-id vs butch-id." That's what defaulting to male pronouns ANNOUNCES -- that butch means male.

Both of you bring so many points out here that are important and I personally thank you both. yeppers butch can mean male, female, TG, IG, et. all!

The other thing that just makes me feel good is Dylan pointing out (even though you were whatevered.. major eye-roll) to this femme that she was doing the same thing! I have been in situations like this in which both has happened and someone needed to hear that it is important to use appropriate prounouns for all of us.

You might be right in that the FIB just isn't used to this. Hopefully, she will think about it more and develop awareness. And why the femme just didn't get that it is equally respectful to use female pronouns is beyond me!

Argh.... I almost (have to say this, as I know I dodged a big bullet!) dated a femme that not only insisted on calling me he, him, etc. (yes, even after I corrected her many times), but wanted to give me a more male sounding first name!!! She even called me with a list of butch names I might want to use!!! I was quite attracted to her (at first), but must say after this, my libido fizzled rapidly... as in flat-lined!!!

And I am working on zie pronouns too.... I will get there, I promise!!!