TMI - Too Much Information

[Rook]

The first night my Iguana was home {he was young, but big}, the Novelty of his exotic self wore off really fast around bedtime...
We're gettin cozy & frisky, she stops and asks if the bathroom was closed [where I made Zul's bed, tiles and such], I figured I did...She turned the lamp on, and swiped the covers, there's Zul...licking his nose...So, yes, she screams, I try to shut her up, and he races off..I mean, faster than a bullet, his lethal weapon tail smacks me on my nose, and I fall off the bed..my hand lands on something Squishie-Slimy and kinda Ripe....
I peeked, and instant gagging..
Ever seen Iguana shit?....think of pigeon/chicken/Goose shit...but...much much bigger...
All she could say was "eeew -giggle-"....

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As told by my uncle during family gatherings, my father was resting after a rough day, and he was feeding me chocolate...Mum was at work, I was 3...I gave him a gift after squeaky laughing and saying "candy!!", right when he was gonna bite, he sniffed...and realized it was a chunk of poop..
He wasnt a happy camper, both my uncle and mum told him "thats what u get for feeding her raisonettes"

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I was dating a rather lovely lady, we had some good times, nice walks, good chemistry, on the 3rd date, she says she had a surprise for me...
We get to her place, she sits me on her bed, tells me to close my eyes..
I figure sure why not?..I'm expecting Victoria's Secret here...She tells me to open my eyes, I peek, while she's grinning ear to ear {and modelling playfully}, I'm staring in disbelief, almost slackjaw..
Nothing against Strapping femmes, but..
That's not my thing...
'specially not shiny glittery neon pink dicks...
I had to leave, asap...