Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

~ listen to warnings from friends ~
~

Ocean, I snipped your post to highlight what I think helped me the most, during my last romantic involvement with someone I met at the nursing home last year, after my work related accident. I saw nothing, in the beginning, that even remotely seemed like a deal breaker issue, when I first was dating my "Cuban Sugarman" (Juan --- who is not a member in our community, here). But after I was released to recover at home, we had numerous supper dates. About seven weeks into dating, nearly all my close friends noticed something about him that I couldn't see. Long story short: Because I've known my close friends for many many years, I was able to hear what they observed in the person I was seeing romantically. So, I began to observe, in a brief series of dates we had back in February, that my what my friends had the nerve to tell me about Juan, was true. I broke up with him on March 3rd, just not too long ago. It hurt my heart to do that, but I won't settle for less than I know I deserve. Listening to the friends in your life who know you really well can be the best decision you could ever make.

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

This turned out to be exactly the case about my former romantic interest (Juan). I came to see that the way he treated me was a larger part of an anger problem, that had nothing to do with me, but I'm guessing has been a huge problem for him all along.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

The anger is only part of the cycle of violence. Power and control is also part of the cycle of violence.

Just leave?

If only it were that easy.

I was physically abused by my ex-husband before, during and after my two pregnancies.

Where do you go if you have no family or friends close by? Have babies? I know that I went to the police and they did not arrest him.

Even today, with stricter laws about domestic violence and shelters for women and children-the psychological after-effects make many women (and men) almost paralyzed emotionally. Because I was tied in with him financially and emotionally and because of my children-when the making up and calm stage happened: I wanted to believe-needed to believe; that it would never happen again.

But, of course, it always did.

This cycle below simplifies a very complex pattern of behavior:

"Cycle of Violence

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear."

http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Anya has some great information in her post about the cycle , the vicious cycle of abuse. I recently called the national dv phone number to find out how I could steer my mother to safety, find resources for her. Thanks for this useful post, Anya.


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I also want to say that because it's not easy to know if the person you are seeing, dating, romantically involved with has some sort of behavioral issues related to emotional, sexual, or violence type of abuse.

It's the number one reason why I won't consider long-distance or online dating.

If I date anyone at all, it's because it's someone I have met, right here at home.

It takes time to get to know someone. I introduce anyone I date to.my close circle of friends. They're my screening committee. They know me, like and love me, and care about me. They will nearly almost always see something I do not readily see, as far as deal breakers go. I cherish the years long friendships I have with people I've known for many, many years.