Caregivers and Stress

[Kobi]

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Kobi

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.

Kobi

Thank you for this insight. I myself find myself feeling resentful for changing my life completely. I was exiled for 14 years and now I'm the sole care giver. I pushing my brothers to come one weekend a month so I can have time but mostly so they can have time with her.

One brother has a family the other doesn't. My mom tells me she KNOWS they don't want to be here with her. I hate she knows that and I hate they show her that. After she is gone if you act like she didn't matter to you ok she would never know but it's wrong to be doing it now.

I know it weighs on her knowing she is in frail health and is doing everything she can to hold on to who she was 6 months ago. I don't know how to help her be even who she was before she got sick. It's a work in progress that for every one step forward there are 10 backwards.

I wish that I had been better prepared for this part of my life.

[girl_dee]

i called my mom after church yesterday... was not a good idea, but i don't know when it IS a good idea to call her, and i want to call her. i don't know WHY i want to call her. Why do i expect that one of these days we will have a normal mother daughter conversation.

She said she need $600 to move BACK to the other place where she was miserable and hated it. She said there is nothing to do where she is and she's just sitting around waiting to die.

i don't have it to give her, and i gave her money i couldn't spare for this move.

It was hard to end the call without a solution for her. She just has to tough it out.

this is very new as i have always had a solution for her

[Teddybear]

Update.....

Took Momma to her cardiologist for follow up from her being in the hospital over the weekend. This is a new doctor her old doctor is retiring at the end of the month.

He took time to really talk to us. He told Mommai don't know why you come here your son knows about your condition.

We talked about her medication and my concerns. He agreed and changed her meds. We also have a plan now to treat her Afib. He also agreed they should have done something before now.

She is going to take the new meds for 6 weeks then they are going to evaluate her to have cardio conversion. They have tried chemical conversion but it didn't work so they are going to put the paddles to her.

She got to hear how my brother talk to me and she FINALLY set them straight. YAY!!

So today was good.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Update.....

Took Momma to her cardiologist for follow up from her being in the hospital over the weekend. This is a new doctor her old doctor is retiring at the end of the month.

He took time to really talk to us. He told Mommai don't know why you come here your son knows about your condition.

We talked about her medication and my concerns. He agreed and changed her meds. We also have a plan now to treat her Afib. He also agreed they should have done something before now.

She is going to take the new meds for 6 weeks then they are going to evaluate her to have cardio conversion. They have tried chemical conversion but it didn't work so they are going to put the paddles to her.

She got to hear how my brother talk to me and she FINALLY set them straight. YAY!!

So today was good.

yay ! a good day is a wonderful thing ...

[girl_dee]

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's new to me.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's new to me.

Oh I know this behavior. I have tried to get my mom to go to senior center to meet others. Oh she acts like a 2 yr old when it is even brought up.

She has friends from work however she doenst want anything to do with them?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am baffled at where this came from but to hear her tell it she has no friends outside of work and doesn't want any. We have had to talk about the fact she thinks she should be enough for me to socialize with. NO IT ISNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok today is a day full of work and running. NEXT weekend I get off and I am going out of town. Watch out Vicksburg

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's not new to me.

So after all the commotion to move away to be with my aunt, the honeymoon period lasted about a week.

She wants to go back to the place she hated before.

and wants me to help her get there.