Caregivers and Stress

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Thank you Tinks!

[kittygrrl]

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day

thanks for the reminder Kitty! i am sorry you have regrets.

i have fought against this very thing because i don't want more guilt when she is gone.

The mom i remember is a lesser version of this one.

i am going to hold on to as much good stuff as i can find though, so thank you

[girl_dee]

Today is the worst that i have experienced with her. She is trying to punish me, and i guess its working.

I woke up with a punch in my gut..

I am very close to not being able to contact her anymore.

Thank you all for your supportive notes. This is SO
hard.

[Teddybear]

Why does it have always be a struggle? My mom is back in the hospital. She had blood work done on Thursday. They called Friday afternoon to tell her that her INR was a 7 suppose to be between 2-4 for her to report o the ER now!!!! She called me in a panic. I told her to go I would be there ASAP( I work an 1.5hrs away with NO traffic in Atlanta), she told me she would wait for me to get there to take her. It was on. She refused to listen to me TG the doctor's office called back and told her to come to their office and retest. They are connected to the hospital.

Her INR is now at an 8. They make her go to the ER. I get there and "discover" stuff is going on other than the INR. They admit her.

Now y'all know it is now a waiting game. She got into a room around 11pm only to be moved again at 5 am.

It is about 3 weeks until my scheduled weekend off so I am making plans s to meet friends from Texas half way. I told her about it and again she has changed her mind about how things are going to work. I had to tell her NO. I was coming back we had someone to stay with her the 1 night I was going to be gone.

Then she told me to move back to Texas she would go live with one of my brothers. Now that stung.

I have offered alternatives so my commute wouldn't be so long daily or weekly. She isn't having no part of it. I'm not sure how to approach the subject without sounding mean.

I so want to tell her I have turned my life upside down to do what needs to be done she needs to give also however I wasnt raised to talk to my mom that way.

I have a laundry list of things she wants me to do around the house while she is in the hospital plus be at the hospital.

I looked in the mirror this morning and still there is only 1 of me. So I'm home doing them she just has to wanted.

Thank you for the forum to vent. It is much appreciated

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Thank you for the forum to vent. It is much appreciated

Thank you for sharing, it definately helps me to unload it here and not feel judged.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Ms Tink

Thank you. She stays by herself for 70 hrs I work from home the other 30+ or so. However she calls me at almost 5 pm daily to see if I have left yet. I'm a salaried employee so there is no such thing as 5 pm leaving. I worked till 8 Thursday night OMG I thought she was going to blow a stack. Once off I had to tell her that there would be days I wouldn't get out tge door at 5 or 530(when I usually leave). I also told her if she did what she said she was going to do I could b home quicker.

We did address that today she flat out refused to leave her home. I can understand that. Her and my dad designed and built this place. It isn't my home. For 14 years I wasn't allowed here. In some ways I hate it.

She is mad at me right now because I am planning on not being here the weekend my gf comes in. It is why my brother has to be here the first weekend of August.

I told my brother last weekend they could alternate. My other brother is 12 hrs away. If he came he would b there with her Saturday until 9-10 Sunday morning. I think they are just thinking I dont want to be with Momma. The truth is THEY need to have this time with her.

My mom told me that she wants to make up for the years I wasn't here. You all know you can't but you can move on and cherish this time together.

Thank you for this outlet. I'm afraid if I didn't have it I would surely let my mouth overload the rest of me.