Question for other femmes...

[introverted1]

Hello, my lovelies...
In my experience, I have found that if I want to get a romance going, I generally have to initiate. I have to be the first person to introduce myself, ask for contact information, express romantic interest, etc.

Do most of you find yourselves initiating romances?

[introverted1]

Butches, feel free to chime in...I'm so curious!

[homoe]

Originally Posted by introverted1

Butches, feel free to chime in...I'm so curious!

I can only speak for myself..so here goes

I often times have had no clue a femme woman was a lesbian! I just 'assumed' she was a straight woman and went about my business.

When I worked at the video store I was lucky in the fact that if they rented some lesbian title that was a bit of a tip off and after that I always looked at them in a different light......it didn't necessarily mean they were gay but at least they were open minded and maybe even curious!

[Bootsandheels]

Originally Posted by introverted1

Hello, my lovelies...
In my experience, I have found that if I want to get a romance going, I generally have to initiate. I have to be the first person to introduce myself, ask for contact information, express romantic interest, etc.

Do most of you find yourselves initiating romances?

In my experience, I think out in the 'real world' this is entirely true that most butches or butch appearing/more masculine presenting lesbian/dyke women may not really have much of a clue especially if you are very feminine and straight looking as I am.

The invisibility cloak as I call it is pretty hard to see through sometimes and I have had butches (usually younger ones especially) tell me as much.

In answer to your question introverted1, YES...I have often had to at least initiate conversation whether it was for friendship interest or more which is not always easy for me because I personally identify as more OFOS but am certainly not rigid on that obviously if I am initiating a convo.

However...I am not shy to say Hi and make new friends and the butches that I have initiated convo with have seem to have been pleasantly surprised or even shocked...LOL. It's so awesome when you catch them off guard and surprise the shit out of them...heehee! It also validates THEM and makes them feel good I think because I SEE them even if they couldn't SEE me!

For me when they realise that I have no personal agenda and I am not a stalker and genuinely just want to make a new friend, it works well. Rarely does it ever turn into mor, but friends first and if I want to chat I jump right in and say Hey!

[Shystonefem]

Ok so.... Today, this butch woman came into my work. She was very polite but not flirty at all. I think it was my eyes - but it's a normal thing for me if I am friendly, my eyes get all friendly .... It was hilarious to see. Suddenly her face lit up and she was laughing and smiling..... Then my straight boss came by and flirted with her. I really thought my boss was going to invite her to the house tonight lol

I don't make the first move but I believe Butches are looking for that.... Or at least some type of sign that you are a femme lesbian. Idk

I feel like if they already know that you are a Femme and they don't ask for your number, etc..... They really aren't that into you.

That is only my perspective, as a Femme

[Clyde]

Speaking for myself, of course, I think there are several things at play: firstly, we are socialized as female (generally), and therefore not generally accustomed to making the first move. Secondly, it can be dangerous to make a move when you are a butch. Lastly, I have no interest in straight women, so yeah, if I assume/think someone is straight, I keep my energy to myself.

Overall, I do think that knowing that the opening is there, so to speak, allows me to feel comfortable expressing interest. No opening, no interest.

[Bootsandheels]

Originally Posted by Shystonefem

Ok so.... Today, this butch woman came into my work. She was very polite but not flirty at all. I think it was my eyes - but it's a normal thing for me if I am friendly, my eyes get all friendly .... It was hilarious to see. Suddenly her face lit up and she was laughing and smiling..... Then my straight boss came by and flirted with her. I really thought my boss was going to invite her to the house tonight lol

I don't make the first move but I believe Butches are looking for that.... Or at least some type of sign that you are a femme lesbian. Idk

I feel like if they already know that you are a Femme and they don't ask for your number, etc..... They really aren't that into you.

That is only my perspective, as a Femme

Thank you Shy, I love those hilarious moments!

I agree with you that a butch who knows you are a femme and doesn't really show any interest beyond being a friend or acquaintance by asking for your number is not that into you.

I do not initiate with everyone...it just really depends on the energy that I pick up on from them.
Very hard to do that here online, but intuition is key for me at least. Yes...I also agree that they do perhaps look for some indication of interest from us.

[Bootsandheels]

Originally Posted by Clyde

Speaking for myself, of course, I think there are several things at play: firstly, we are socialized as female (generally), and therefore not generally accustomed to making the first move. Secondly, it can be dangerous to make a move when you are a butch. Lastly, I have no interest in straight women, so yeah, if I assume/think someone is straight, I keep my energy to myself.

Overall, I do think that knowing that the opening is there, so to speak, allows me to feel comfortable expressing interest. No opening, no interest.

Thank you for chiming in Clyde! I so appreciate your insights about being socialized as women-so true.

I think I understand but am curious to hear your thoughts as to why it is dangerous for a butch to make a move?

I really appreciate you sharing about the 'opening' that allows you to feel comfortable to express interest.

What kind of 'opening' is preferable and most appreciated by you? I hope other butches will join this thread and share as well!

[easygoingfemme]

I usually am open enough to at least "out" myself as a femme and not to be confused with a straight person. I try to to that with being a little extra friendly/attentive- and usually crack corny jokes. Even if I'm not flirting- if it's a butch in a super straight zone- I want them to feel a little less alone.

Then, once the light goes on- If I were single, I would wait to see if they carry the line with me. I may or may not be interested. They may or may not be interested. But at least the door in question is open. I'm not likely to make the first move though, after the "are you family" question is answered.

[introverted1]

Thanks to all for replying.

I'm talking about instances where it's known that I'm a lesbian. People I ended up with, but always had to make the first move, or relay that I was attracted to them first, etc. It was clear in these instances that there was chemistry between us.

I asked my last gf when she would have asked me out...and she said maybe after knowing me for a year, lol. She was intimidated by me.

I think Clyde is absolutely correct about being socialized as females, and I get that. I guess my take is that somebody has to get things moving...I just wish for somebody else to be the initiator once.

I think I will just embrace my identity as an intrepid femme.

[Lyte]

I think someone already said something along the lines that approach is a multifaceted issue. It certainly is for me.

For example, it can be difficult sometimes when at a store. Is femme female chatting me up because she's providing good customer service or she diggin me... my look... the simple fact that I'm family... or... she's regardless of either option... she's simply bored. I'm not always sure! Iol Even so... I usually don't mind the attention and will ... usually... respond on kind.

If they are family and "interested" ... then a bunch of other factors come into play.

It's been a while since I've just come out and asked a gal I've just met for her number. I prefer to get to know them at least a smidge first. Such as... see them at the same location a few times.

It def can be awkward and potentially dangerous for a butch to misread a gal ... and... respond too strongly or too overtly. It's just as important to "read the room" as it is to read the gal.

[homoe]

Oh so you meant you were somewhere, like a lesbian function, and nobody approached you??????

[Lyte]

Oh...well... in this instance... lol

No one likes to get shot down ... aka rejected... so perhaps the butches you've encountered are of a more cautious nature and would like feel more assured of what they think is happening. Or... perhaps... they're just a lil more patient.

I say... whatever works!

Originally Posted by introverted1

Thanks to all for replying.

I'm talking about instances where it's known that I'm a lesbian. People I ended up with, but always had to make the first move, or relay that I was attracted to them first, etc. It was clear in these instances that there was chemistry between us.

[introverted1]

Originally Posted by homoe

Oh so you meant you were somewhere, like a lesbian function, and nobody approached you??????

I'm talking about several meetings/dates with a person who was very aware that I'm a lesbian. And we had undeniable chemistry.

And finally, after a few meetings, I broach the topic of finding the other person attractive, and do they feel the same way about me? When it's pretty obvious that we had chemistry.

[introverted1]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Oh...well... in this instance... lol

No one likes to get shot down ... aka rejected... so perhaps the butches you've encountered are of a more cautious nature and would like feel more assured of what they think is happening. Or... perhaps... they're just a lil more patient.

I say... whatever works!

This feels correct, LOL!

[Lyte]

I'm so glad!

Two other thoughts come to mind... very likely unrelated but ... you know I still must share!

If I find that I'm then one who's initiating the interactions ... twice... even if she responds favourably... then I take that to mean that she's not interested in interacting even on a friendly level. I respect that message and take my leave. My point being... is that interaction should be initiated on both sides.

Second thought...

In this day and age... with all the kooks out there ... particularly online... perhaps the most courteous thing a butch could do is let the femme dictate the level and manner of contact she's comfortable with... and ... to let her dictate it when she's good and ready to do so!

Originally Posted by introverted1

This feels correct, LOL!

[introverted1]

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm so glad!

Two other thoughts come to mind... very likely unrelated but ... you know I still must share!

If I find that I'm then one who's initiating the interactions ... twice... even if she responds favourably... then I take that to mean that she's not interested in interacting even on a friendly level. I respect that message and take my leave. My point being... is that interaction should be initiated on both sides.

Second thought...

In this day and age... with all the kooks out there ... particularly online... perhaps the most courteous thing a butch could do is let the femme dictate the level and manner of contact she's comfortable with... and ... to let her dictate it when she's good and ready to do so!

Oh, trust me...I am the one who says "I find you attractive...do you find me attractive?" There isn't any guess work involved.

I don't believe in game playing, I am always up front.

I guess I am the direct one, and will continue in this manner. No matter how much I wish some butch would come along and say the same thing to me. Just once!

It's cool, I guess I'm the driver.

[introverted1]

Perhaps I'm a butchy femme? LOL!!!

[Lyte]

Nothing wrong with this either!

Originally Posted by introverted1

Oh, trust me...I am the one who says "I find you attractive...do you find me attractive?" There isn't any guess work involved.

I don't believe in game playing, I am always up front.

I guess I am the direct one, and will continue in this manner. No matter how much I wish some butch would come along and say the same thing to me. Just once!

It's cool, I guess I'm the driver.

[JDeere]

If its obvious that you're a lesbian then I would make conversation. However in my past experiences my exs always initiated the romances. I honestly have no clue how to initiate much for fear of rejection.